Next year is a plan, Plans go wrong i know but im going to do my best to get out of here. I can't stay here anymore. I can't walk around and act like what they do doesn't hurt me, like what they do dosen't affect me. When i go into court, it will be with my head held high. i hope to god however, that i walk out with emancipaition papers. i hope that i have someone to stand beside me when i walk out. i can't live like this, live the way you want me to. I won't live in seclusion, i won't wilt in the darkness. I am done. Soon i am free.

Where do those memories go when we forget? Times when we can’t remmeber a song but it comes back later. When we walk into a room and can’t remember. I like to think Our memories float around bases on what you need when you think of something recent you pull a memory from the front of the line. But when you remember as a child You pull from the back of the line. The ones in the very back, never to be rememberd Those memories that you can’t seem to grasp, those ones that are just out of reach. The ones that youu've locked in a box, the ones that you try to forget, the ones that hurt the most.

I sit againt my parents closet door, tears endlessly escaping my eyes. its hurts to much to imagine the thought of them gone, the nightmare i had made sure of that. i hear her voice calling out to me, i'm gasping through my tears wiping away the residue but i can't catch my breath. My lungs have emptied and refused to be filled with what i need. i can feel their hands on my back, their words garbeled. my gasps fill my hears, blod rushing to my head. my lungs seem to slow down taking a little of what they so despratly need. i can her her singing. Her melodoic voice in my ears.

for i can't help falling in love with you

my breath comes in short sporatic gasps as both of my mothers try to calm me down. tears that have been endlessly flowing from my cheeks slow down. i lean forward my heard in her lap as i cry. cry for what i could've lost. cry for what could've been taken from me.

I think of you when it rains, when the dropless hit my face as im going in the house i think of your soft lips kissing my skin, your voice in my ear. I think its you over my shoulder whispering your kisses from far away. i watch as it rains from inside, huddled in a blanket sick. The droplets surround me, temptation pulls but i know you would stop whispering your kisses, so i sit back and admire from afar. Your droplets kiss the glass in place of me, i watch mesmerised by your droplets.

i can hear the thunder as i cry, i cry for you are not beside me but far away beside your family. i hear the thunder shout and scream to show i am not alone. i sit on the porch a blanket around my shoulders as the thunder sounds watching as it lights up the sky with mesmerising patterns. my tears slow as the cold wind encases me like a blanket with oppisite intentions. my eyes frozen on the sky as one last time thunder claps and its gone, as are my tears.

its snowing i watch as the white flecks fall from the sky this time with no tears. im not missing you, for you are finally right beside me. we watch the sky become white i see white flecks in her hair. finally she is beside me once again.

“do it” she murmurs her dark hair flowing in the wind from an open window

“No” she said back.

“JUST DO IT,” she screamed. she aimed the gun at her own head her fingertips brushing against the trigger her soft brown hair stuck to the tears on her face. standing in her room gun in hand, her fingers brushed against the trigger once more. “Just do it” She murmured softly to herself. she closed her eyes in defeat as her finger came to rest upon the trigger.

“Mei! m-mei-mei?” She heard the voice of her 4 year old sister question what was happening, her voice quivered as if she could feel the sadness and tension in the room.

“Close the door Eva” She murmured shakily refusing to open her eyes too see such a sad scene playing before her eyes. she heard the door shut quietly and the soft patter of feet.

Her eyes snapped open at the pounding footsteps up the stairs her door burst open and she saw two of her very own terrified looking parents.

“Melinda w-what are you doing?” she heard the shaky voice of her mother. which was different from her usual melodious tone “What everyone wants mom.“she smiled sadly. “I don’t want this baby, don’t do this to me. don’t make me lose my baby girl.” Her dad cried, his blue eyes filled with tears unbelieving that his daughter would resort to this. “I don’t want this either, Mellie. i want you to live and get married a-and give me some grand babies.” Her mother said her original soft brown hair messily thrown into a ponytail.

“I-I’m gay, lesbian however you want to say it” she said quietly, she flinched at the anger in her fathers eyes “I-I d-didn’t mean t-to be, m’sorry” She hiccuped, fresh tears making its way down her face. she gripped the gun tighter her finger moving from its resting spot on the trigger “Give me the gun” Her father said sternly. “No” She shook her head rapidly, taking a step back.

her mother took a step forward, “Mellie i don’t care who you love as long as you love uncondinally. give me the gun, honey. just put it in my hand, and it’ll all go away. i’ll make it go away just like i did when you were 9, i made the monsters go away right, baby?” Seeing Mellie nod she continued “I’ll do it again, i’ll make them go away, baby” she said as her own tears made their way down her cheeks.

“Y-you promise? Y-you W-won’t let them h-hurt me again?” She hiccuped, rubbing her tears away with her free hand like a child. “No baby they’ll never touch you again.” Her mother took another step forward, Getting closer by the minute.

“p-promise, mommy” she said quietly staring into green eyes that matched her own. “I promise baby. i 100% promise they’ll never touch you again.” Mellie squeezed her eyes shut before releasing the death grip she had on the gun. it now hung loosely from her hand as she placed it in her mothers. her mothers hand quickly handed the gun to her husband as she collapsed with sobs. she fell to the ground catching mellie, brushing her locks of hair away as she cried murmuring her own apologies

she hated herself for loving woman. she thought the world would be better without someone like her. she hated herself because of something she couldn’t control. now she has to learn to love herself or let it destroy her.

535 words

how is it possible to hate Everything about yourself? To not like one singular thing, i hate everything, i hate my hair, i hate my face, i hate my eyes. Yes Hate. a strong word that tells you how i feel about myself.

I won’t bore you with the nights i spent crying wondering why i could be prettier or more skinny. but i will tell you what I’ve done to try and get skinny. I’ve gone a week with little to no food, I’ve forced myself to throw up I’ve done it all and hated what i saw in the mirror. I am the type of person who researches things before they try them and that precisely what i did.

Bulimia gives you heart problems, you can create a tear in your throat, you can destroy your teeth with acid, Etc.

Anorexia you have low everything honestly. you bruise easily, your organs can fail, you can randomly die one day.

i know it all and i don’t care, i just know i need to be a certain way to be pretty. skinny, tall and i defiantly need a pretty face which i dont have. i hate everything about myself. not one thing i like, sometimes i look into the mirror and imminently burst into tears wondering why i couldn’t look like my sister. most of the time i have to avoid mirrors. so that doesn’t happen.

I’ve effectively made you bored with my story i give you free rein write whatever you want happy, sad, glad, mad. until next time reader

she cherished talking, she’d talk everyday, talk to her mom, her dad, her sister. she’d Always be chatting. Then she met him, she liked the way his hair flew with the wind, His Enticing velvety voice. she relished when he whispered in her ear his warm breath on the shell of her ear. Every time he did that she’d become Silent, hanging on every word he said. begging her heart to feel something. She’d always hang on to every tempting word he’d say.

she’d prattle on and on to him, she’d text him, call him, go to his house all to tell him the latest gossip. but one thing that she never got was that He’d tell her he loved her.

they’d been dating only 4 months so she’d never say it back it always seemed so fake, too...impossible.

Then that one Autumn day he told her ”You talk too much” she didn’t feel anything no heartbreak, no tears. Everyone always told her she talked to much but they weren’t like he was. but he looked her in the eyes and told her she talked to much. that was the end of a one year relationship.

so she stopped talking, she’d wake up and her mother would say “Good Morning” but she never said it back. she could see her mothers face twist in concern. but she’d give a shy smile and hide behind her hair. everyone expected her to talk within the week. there was no way she could stay quiet that long right?

Wrong.

It was 3 weeks later and she still hadn’t said anything, her mom took her to the doctor, her dad took her on rides. her sister told her she was glad she stopped talking. she didn’t know her sister was using reverse psychology trying to get her to fight back. It didn’t work, if anything she sunk further into her depression. her mother had beautiful blonde hair and green eyes, her dad had brown hair and brown eyes. She took after her mother her sister has her moms hair and her dads eyes.

She always hated looking in the mirror, why she didn't know. but it always seemed so draining every time, it made a feeling bubble up in her, she never knew what it was until now. Hatred. She missed when she was a kid, when everything was simple now she was the blonde bimbo who cheated on her boyfriend. He wanted her she didn't want him. simple right? No. he had to go spread lies about her because he couldn't get what he wanted.

February, 23, 2018 was the day she first came home with bruises. she'd worn a short sleeve white shirt and some black jeans. What a mistake that was. Kicking, slapping, shoved into lockers. She got shoved into an open locker and something stabbed her in her side. luckily a teacher stopped the boys and she continued on with class. sitting through 3rd period, 4 period, and 5th period with blood slowly soaking through her shirt. when the bell rang the last time for the weekend she pulled on her black jacket and zipped it up, she was freezing. always freezing, always so cold.

she walked home practicality shivering in the 75 degree heat. She knew the bruises would be horribly dark already, it had been nearly 5 hours since it happened. she walked into the coldness that was her home and stripped off her jacket. when she finished she heard the familiar deep voice of her father behind her. "What the hell are those?!" He growled roughly snatching her arm and examning her bruises. "David?" She heard her mothers enchanting voice call out. "WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING?!" her mothers usually enchanting voice yelled her sock padded feet thumping against the hardwood floor. "WHAT" she just hid her face behind her hair and bit her lip to stop the flood of tears 'So caring for someone so undeserving' she thought in her head. The next thing she knew she was in the back of her dads car and on the way to the hospital. now she's scared would they know she hand't been eating? would they know whats been happening at school?

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You don't understand what it feels like to be the way i am. you don't understand the sleepless nights, the nightmares. You don't understand when i cry, you don't understand when i can't breathe, and you certainly didn't understand when i tried to kill myself.

i don't think you'll ever understand so i write you this, the nightmares are...horrible. The sleepless nights i can take who needs 8 hours of sleep anyways. The crying is painful the tears that fall from my eyes onto my stoic face, the only way you know i'm hurt is because of the tears. Without them in stoic, un-moving, unfeeling. Is it bad to say i don't remember that day i tried to kill myself? i can't remember a lot of things now, i usually had the best memory, the memory of an elephant you said. But now? i can't get up, if i drop something a few seconds later i don't remember where i dropped it or if i heard it hit the floor.

You don't understand what you've done to me. How you've broken me, it seems that the laws in your eyes and paper thin, absolutely meaningless. don't worry, i won't leave you to tell everyone what you did. i'll leave a note for them too, telling them everything, god knows you'd lie to save your ass.

The day you have to bury my lifeless body in a flowing blue dress, in the casket you hate. underneath the ground, is the day you'll finally understand what you've done to me.

why does it all seem like a choice?

do we choose to be depressed?

do we choose to be happy?

do we choose for anything?

No. while it seems harsh its the truth.

we don't choose, for some it may seem we never choose anything, that our path is laid out in front of us. for others they belive to they control they're own life which they do they control it they dont choose it.

we don't choose to be rapeed,

we don't choose to be beaten,

we don't get to choose who we are born to,

we don't get to choose if they keep us.

but just once, Just once i wanted to choose for myself.

Get Away

a choice that i don't have.

she found out and took them away,

so everytime my deoms come out to play,

i have no one who will stay,

they won't hear my last words,

they'll never know how hard i cried,

they'll only know the pain i had,

what my dad did,

how he hurt.

the ways he made me burn,

i still have the scars,

so endless on my body now,

until i can leave,

i'll never be safe.