Oh look, Puppies!
Hard to see the things that used to be so clear.
Where's my keys?
Where's the dog?
Where's my phone?
Where did my body go?
Where's the beef?
My shape has shifted.
Everything that was "up" is "down"!
My body shifted from large to super size without the fries!
From auburn to gray, boohoo.
Oh look, puppies!
What was I saying?
What was I doing?
Where was I going?
Who was I doing it with?
Don't say that!
Don't say this?
Don't give me that look!
Oh look puppies!
Celestial Queue
Thank you for your faith. Your prayers are very important to us. Prayers will be answered in the order in which they were prayed.
Due to heavier than usual supplicant volume, you may experience longer wait times. Please enjoy this celestial choir while you wait.
Thank you for your patience. Listen carefully to our menu, as the options have changed:
Press 1 if you are ill.
If you cannot wait, please call 9-1-1.
Press 2 if you have fallen into financial hardship.
If you cannot wait, you can temporarily suspend your usual tithes while you finish the application for the new credit card for which you have been pre-approved. Remember, certain restrictions apply.
Press 3 if you need to be hired for a certain employment position that will certainly change your life.
If you cannot wait, please contact your state's unemployment office for community college opportunities in other professions. And you can temporarily suspend your usual tithes.
Press 4 if you're experiencing a crisis of faith.
If you cannot wait until I can re-proselytize you, please review the Christopher Hitchens videos on YouTube or, alternatively, consider Islam, Judaism, or any other religion, except for Scientology. (Don't get me started!)
Press 5 if you are consumed by a breeder reactor of unpayable student debt due to incessantly accruing interest.
If you cannot wait, please transfer your debt service to the new card for which you have been pre-approved. Remember the promotional interest rate is temporary.
Press 6 if you are depressed.
If you cannot wait, please consume your larger-than-usual daily requirement of chocolate and ask your doctor if SSRIs are right for you.
Press 7 if you are in pain.
Remember that higher numbers on the analog pain scale receive priority.
Press 8 if you just want to talk.
If you cannot wait, please call back. I'm kind of busy.
Press 9 if you just can't catch a break and enjoy our celestial choir.
PLEASE BE ADVISED that due to
--current conflicts,
--natural disasters,
--epidemics,
--famines, and
--genocides,
...we are experiencing longer than usual wait times. For your particular stupid, clueless concern, consider just dealing with it and call another time. Thank you for your faith.
[CLICK!]
First Day: That’s All Folks!
HR Manager During New Employee Orientation: Welcome to ACME Incorporated's state of the art factory! You should feel proud to work here because ACME is the exclusive supplier of coyotes, roosters that sound like Kentucky Colonels, hunters with speech impediments, narcissistic ducks, and two foot tall red haired bandits everywhere! It's a great place to work! Oh, now don't listen to the rumors about employee turnover. We value our employees at ACME and consider each of you as more than workers, we consider you family!
Let me assure you that the quality control workers at ACME are the foundation of the company and we pay you accordingly! What other employer offers its employees 100 paid days off, a company car, clothing allowance, and free chef currated meals and $10,000 an hour? Now, I can take a question or two from the new hires.
Cartoon Mouse: Do you offer health insurance?
HR Manager (sweating): No, but the pay alone makes health insurance a small consideration!
Cartoon Cat: I really like the life insurance policy, I mean $10,000,000 for accidental death or dismemberment, that's amazing.
HR Manager (with a smile): I told you that ACME takes care of it's workers.
Cartoon Cat: That's great, but when I went to fill in the spot for beneficiary, ACME Incorporated was already there.
HR Manager (taking the cat's life insurance application): Now, I thought those monkeys in clerical fixed this typo! I'm gonna get this fixed as soon as we're done here! Now, does anyone else have any questions?
Cartoon Dog: Yeah, the job discription's a bit vague. Exactly what'll we be doin' here at ACME?
HR Manager: GREAT QUESTION! Your job here is to test our products as they come off the assembly line to make sure that they work as designed and it doesn't take any special training. The process is simple. To test each finished item all ya gotta do is just tap each product on the detina.....er.......top with a wee hammer as it comes off the assembly line and answer one question on the form attached to your clipboard. Does it explode?
Numbers the By
Numbers the By
At 10pm, I left for good.
At 9pm, we took a break. I stood outside in the light rain. She continued the argument, alone, in the kitchen. She broke a few dishes, cursed my name, and took a knife to our honeymoon photo.
At 8pm, She wanted me gone. She wanted me to remain. She wanted her pound of flesh. She wanted every drop of my blood. By this time, I had no recourse. I exhausted all of the reasons, without a single one holding fast.
At 6pm, we began the shouting match. What I did was wrong. What she did was equally wrong. Why either one of us knew what the other did was pure happenstance. Both of us claimed the moral high ground that neither of us were qualified to stand. My remorse for my actions surpassed my anger for hers. By her tone, I understood she held an opposite position.
At 5pm, the pizza delivery guy arrived. I paid for and tipped him for his service. The box seemed a little on the light side. None-the-less, I set our dinner on the table. She opened the box and wished she hadn’t. It contained a series of color photos of my last affair with her sister and my wife’s affair with my cousin. Needless to say, somebody has a flair for the dramatic.
At Noon, I asked her to leave because I had to clean the apartment before my wife returned from her business trip. She told me I should have a backbone and tell her our marriage was over. As much as I wanted the beautiful creature laying naked on the silk sheets, I wanted less drama in my life more. She knew what I was about to say. I knew she knew. Her departure coincided with one last kiss and the ominous whisper of a warning of events yet to come.
One week ago, my cousin arrived in his new convertible to pick up my wife for their conference in Vegas on Monday. I asked her why she did not fly out on Sunday for she already had the tickets. She told me she wanted to experience the drive across the desert while she had the chance. I should have known better as I bid them well, but I had other events on my mind and my calendar for the weekend suddenly opened up.
One Little Letter
"Next!" it called out.
I stepped forward, looking forward to the simulation. I had spent considerable time scripting exactly what I wanted to experience virtually.
The booth door opened and I donned the vibrasuit and panohelmet. After inserting my paychip, I lay supine on the floor, because I would be overcome by a bevy of beauties, scantily clad, and ready to please me in... well, I had set the free-range imaginometer to 10. (I would have set it for 11 if it went that high!)
Suddenly two large cops burst through the door and began tasing me mercilessly. I was jolted up rudely and began swinging my arms defensively. They were relentless.
"More? Ya want more?" one shouted.
"Fine, dude, we'll turn our tasers up to 11."
Just then the concierge came in and shooed the cops out.
"I am so sorry," he apologized as I lay catatonic--except for the trembling. "You had chosen Simulator, but someone, unfortunately, sent you into Stimulator. Would you like your Simulation now, or do you want to get cleared by the hospital Emergency Department first?"
I started taking Prozac and now I can’t write
In the comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes," there's a comic where Calvin is prescribed medication and it erases his imaginary friend, Hobbes, and just shows Hobbes as a regular stuffed animal - no longer his best friend, just stuffing held together by thread.
I started taking Prozac a month ago and it has made me not want to write - my imaginary world, kind of - gone.
Here's something: I was at the mall the other day and walked into a shoe store selling Doc Martens. I did it on a whim. The sales lady was really working me, telling me certain styles of Doc Martens would go well with the dress I was wearing. But I only had eyes for the classic fit. I wanted them, and I bought them. A simple transaction.
But it's how the Doc Martens made me feel. It's how they gave me a new persona, like I could be someone cool, worth knowing.
And I guess that's what writing was for me (is for me?). The act of creating a persona that people might want to know, an act of image, of creative outlet.
And as I sit here, full of Prozac, I have to wonder how I can recreate myself in this image. One of health, one of wholeness, one of newness.
My whims turned into prose, and not erased by pills.
Genetic Roulette — Luck of the Draw
It was pure luck that ovum # 102,364 was released via ovulation from my mother on that exact day in that exact year and was waved down the ciliated tube to meet a suitable suitor. It could've been any of the other hundred thousand eggs she was born with and, if so, I wouldn't be me.
It was pure luck that spermatozoon #43,438,822 was the exact vehicle to deliver the right exact half of my father's DNA. Had it been any other swimmer, then I just wouldn't be me.
And I really do like me, so I am very lucky.