I died as I lived, and lived as I died. Look away; the pain is still trapped in my eyes.I loved as I hated and hated my love, I cursed and I cried at the God up above. You know me as someone who never had sense, but beneath this insanity, I see through your lens. I'm scared of myself and the world's scared of me. I'm probably scared of just who I could be. Oh, the things I could do! The words I could say! It's such a shame that I wasted my days. 

I cried as I laughed, and laughed as I cried. My words spilled over and I choked as I lied. You didn't believe me. I saw it in your eyes. I killed everything I loved, everything died. I choked up the ink I used to print out my books, I shelved my emotions with the effort it took. I stored them in cabinets, neat little nooks. At night I'd have freak-outs and rip them all down, I'd swim in my bathtub in hopes that I'd drown. I'd wake up in the morning and find my works destroyed, and blame them on feelings and wishes and boys. I changed myself to turn away from the lies, I tried as I failed and failed as I tried. I shut off the light to make room for the dark, I hid my fearful, fast-beating heart. You may not believe me, think I'm made of lies, but I died as I lived and lived-as I died.

You are unparalleled,

You've repeatedly said,

On many occasions,

Filling me with dread.

Lord and master,

Supreme being to all,

I'm a mere subject,

Completely banal.

Worshiping the ground,

Wherever you go,

Grasping thrown crumbs,

You decide to bestow.

Just remember this,

As you continue on high,

I will rejoice,

The moment you die.

No invention in my head, will ever construct peace out of casualty.

We are no longer quite ourselves, we've embraced the propensity in blasphemy.

Taken upon ourselves to stand for another mans society. I stood atop the mountain as they chanted the worlds eulogy.

The love of ideals is thriving, while the heart of man is dying.

<p>I could tell something was off just as soon as I walked in. The bar looked normal, a typical half-hearted vibe of a Tuesday night. But hanging just below the dull murmur of idle conversation was something… unsettling. I scanned the bar searching for the source of my disposition and my eyes came to rest on the Stranger. In a town this size an outsider sticks out like a cat at a stock show. He was alone at the front counter draped in a long brown trench coat, hunched over as if trying to drink off a hard day. I made up my mind to mosey on over and see what I could see about this passerby. I grabbed the stool next to the Stranger and tried to make myself comfortable. For some reason I was suddenly feeling agitated. I tried to shake the sensation as Tom came around. I told him to grab something from bottom shelf. No point in emptying the pockets for a Tuesday night pit stop. I stole a glance at the Stranger when Tom left to take care of my order. His coat hung off of him like pestilence. The thing looked old enough to crumble to dust, though I somehow felt like it was an artifact that would outlast my unborn grandchildren. I didn’t realize I’d been starring till Tom came back with my drink. I tore my eyes away and pretended to be fascinated with the dark liquid Tom was pouring into my cup. “Thanks.” I muttered once my glass was full. He nodded then went off to a corner to polish his glass because I guess that’s what they teach you at bartender school. I picked up my glass, took a swig, and winced. It tasted like goat piss. Don’t ask how I know what that tastes like, that’s a different story altogether, but when you need a drink booze is booze. I looked over at the Stranger again meaningfully this time. He had the face of a wraith. Like something walking the fence between living and dead. I wouldn’t say he was ugly though. I don’t really judge guys but I’d say he had one of those mugs that my teenage daughter would swoon over. It was hard to tell how old he was. I wanted to say he was a little older than my oldest but the next moment I was sure he had to be much older than I am. All the while the Stranger just stared straight ahead never blinking never moving. He clasped his drink with hands made for strangling but I hadn’t seen him drink anything yet. “Konrad.” I said introducing myself. I was going to go for a handshake but decided on the traditional gruff introduction of the scene. I waited for the Stranger to respond. He didn’t. I took another swig of my drink. The 2nd gulp went down a bit easier. “It sounds like comrade” I continued, “That’s how a lot of folks remember it, my comrade, Konrad.” The Stranger’s silence seemed to echo is the base of my ears. I cleared my throat loudly and took another drink. The sound of his silence was deafening enough to rupture my eardrums. I kept talking if for no other reason but to block the sound. “It was one of my old workers that started the whole comrade thing. Might have been from Russia or something; he did have a bit of an accent. Good guy though. He stuck around about five years or so then he went off to bigger and better things I guess.” I stopped rambling and downed the rest of my cup. Choking down the last dregs I slammed down my empty cup harder than intended. Tom, waking from his glass cleaning stupor, thought I was signaling another round. Before I knew it my glass was full of the same awful stuff. I thanked Tom again as he left. Like I said booze is booze. Tom’s tip jar might be taking a hit tonight though I thought to myself. I turned my attention back to the Stranger, as I lifted my new glass and took a sip. His cup ensnared by both hands was still filled to the brim. His drink was the color of negroni but it was hard to tell without leaning into the Stranger’s personal space. No doubt it was better than the crap I was drinking. I took a hard swallow and put my drink back down. “You’re not from around here are you Stranger?” I asked him. Going with the theme of the night I wasn’t really expecting an answer so when he responded several long seconds later I almost choked on my drink. “No I’m not.” He said simply. The Strangers voice was the sound of a thousand heartbreaks mixed with the last prayers of a crew lost at sea. I put down my drink and stared at the Stranger thinking if I waited he would say more. When it seemed that wasn’t the case I went on probing him. “Well what brings you to these parts Stranger?” The Stranger turned ever so slightly. Just enough to fix me with eyes that knew nothing of mercy. “Business.” He said shortly. Then he resumed staring into the void. “Oh...” I wanted to interrogate him further and asked him what type of business but his last word contained a weight that sounded like that was the end of the matter. I went back to my drink and proceeded sipping in silence turning my thoughts to what my wife probably made for dinner tonight. I was surprised when I heard the Stranger speak again. “Tell me Konrad, what exactly is it you do?” I turned to the Stranger who was still looking directly ahead. “Me? I run the lumber yard on the East side of town. Been there almost twenty years. You might have passed it on your way in. It’s hard to miss cause there not much else out that way.” “Tell me about your family Konrad.” The Strangers words were sweet poison. I felt an unexplainable desire to answer his every question. “Well I’ve got a lovely wife of 29 years. And we have three kids 2 boys and a girl. My oldest son whose 24 is off studying at the University. My daughter just turned 17 and my youngest is 13. They both still live with us of course.” The Stranger responded with silence. I’d never experienced communication as inviting as the Strangers indifference. I tended to my drink wondering if I was speaking to much or perhaps not enough. “Konrad what do you love most?” The Stranger suddenly asked. I was taken completely off guard. “Umm that’s a difficult question.” “It is not a difficult question Konrad. It is a simple, straightforward question. What do you love most?” I stared into my glass thinking. Almost a minuet passed before I answered. “My family.” “That is not a valid answer.” declared the Stranger. I stared at the Stranger staring at nothing. “Why not? ’ I asked dumbly. “I asked you, what do you love most. As in greatest degree. A family that is composed of many bodies cannot adequately answer such a question because it combines serval entities and presents them as a single solution. I asked you for one answer but you gave me four. So let me ask again Konrad, what do you love most?” I felt like I was both floating on and drowning under the Strangers speech. Hearing the Stranger talk for so long was slightly overwhelming. “Oh.” I said. It was all I could manage. We sat for a few minutes without saying anything. Once again I could feel the silence pressing on my eardrums, then the Stranger spoke again. “If you insist on your previous answer, you must tell me who you love the most in your family, your wife either of your sons or your daughter.” “I love them all the same.” I responded quickly. “Don’t ever lie to me!” The Stranger thunder quietly, in a voice that would cause a tornado to run for cover. The one eye he now had fixed on me had the force of a meteorite, and the breath of his order/warning promised consequences on a biblical scale if disregarded. I sat immobilized for several long moments until the Stranger returned his gaze forward. I suddenly felt breath in my lungs. I hadn’t realized I wasn’t breathing. Time seemed to stop while the Stranger had his eye on me but I was feeling so dazed I wasn’t certain if my mind was playing tricks on me. I watched the Stranger’s mouth twitch as he asked again quietly. “What do you love most Konrad?” The Stranger’s question hung suspended in the air a moment, before slowly wrapping me in an invisible cocoon. As I tried to think of how to answer his question I felt the cocoon grow steadily tighter and tighter till I feared I might lose my breath again. “I... I don’t know.” I finally muttered. I felt the cocoon release immediately. “That is an honest answer.” The Stranger said to the wall. Again we sat in silence. I drained the last of my drink and set the glass down softly. This time I broke the silence. “Why would you ask me that question?” I asked him. As ever the Stranger was slow to respond. “I asked you because I wanted an answer.” The Stranger said simply. “Oh…” I said for the 12th time that night. “Why?” “Humanity vexes me.” The Stranger responded. “If you ask them what is precious to them they will respond nobly with answers like people, friendship, love, peace, values, and yes family is common too. It’s more disgusting to me that they actually believe their own answers. In truth almost anyone would throw away these things for money, pleasures, comforts, or convenience.” The Strangers eyes burned hotter than a furnace and I was thankful that he continued to face forward as he spoke. “That’s not even including what humans value above all else, their own lives.” The Stranger concluded his prose and a chorus of anguish immediately ceased. “I don’t think all people are that way.” I told him. “Konrad, you could not even answer a simple question. Do you really think you understand humanity? Do you even really know yourself?” The Stranger’s words were a dirge. “Konrad if I told you, you would die unless you picked a member of your family to take your place, any one of the four would work. Would you do it? I wanted to respond right away. It was such a ridicules question but I remember the Strangers warning and tried to think hard about a real situation. Then I responded. “I wouldn’t sacrifice any member of my family; I would die 1st.” The Stranger turned slightly fixing me with the force of his one eyed gaze. “What if I told you I would kill you here, tonight? What if I told your death would be more brutally violent and painfully agonizing than what your mind is capable of understanding? Would you still choose your own death over any of theirs? In the Strangers eye I saw my body break, burn, and wither away. I barely got the word out choking on the horror I’d just seen. “Yes.” I whispered. There was a moment long pause then, the Stranger took his eye off me and resumed his normal position. He let out a sigh that set a ripple through the room. “Perhaps answers lie in the things long forgotten, like a simpler more honest soul.” The Stranger seemed to be speaking more to himself than to me, which was just as well because I didn’t know where to start to respond to what he just said. I picked up my cup but then realized it was empty. So I put it back down. Here have this. The Stranger pushed his glass with a finger and it glided to a halt in front of me. Though it was still full to the brim not a drop spilled out. The Stranger stood up and gave that ancient trench coat a shake. “I suppose I’m not that thirsty after all.” I looked from the Stranger to the drink and back. “If you don’t mind me asking sir, just who are you?” For the 1st time the Stranger tuned his head and that man smiled a smile that was deeper than darkness. “Just a passerby he said. Have a good night Konrad.” And with that he turned on his heels and walk out of the door. I stared at the door even after he’d gone trying to discern if that experience was really real or if Tom gave me some type of crazy juice. Then I remember I still had a drink. I didn’t thank him. I thought as I picked up the Strangers glass and tipped it back into my mouth. It was good! No that's an understatement. It might have been the best thing I'd ever tasted! I downed the glass in a few quick gulps. I put the empty cup down smacking my lips to the delicious taste. “Hey Tom what was that guy having? Give me another round of that!” “Seriously?” Tom walked over with his polishing glass. “I can't believe your actually drinking that crap. Its literally the worst stuff in the house.” “Not that!” I said in disgust shoving aside my old empty cup, “this” I said picking up the Strangers cup. “What the other guy was drinking.” “What other guy?” Tom asked. “The guy in the trench coat” I said impatiently “the guy I've been talking to all night.” “Umm you’ve been sitting alone all night.” Tom said puzzled. “I.. what!?” I ask incredulously. “But I was talking to, to...” I trailed off. “This might be past it's date” Tom said trying to read the date of the dusty black bottled he'd been using to pour my drinks. “Sorry bout that, here let me get you something on the house.” “No no I'm fine.” I said standing up quickly. I should probably be heading home. My body felt like it was moving through molasses but I made it to the door. Once outside I took in a huge gulp of fresh air and let it out slowly. I wonder if I really did just dream up that whole exchange with the Stranger. If so, stranger things have happened. If not well, that's a different story altogether... </p><p>

</p>

First Encounter

It was Friday night and I was out with my best friend who literally dragged me here to this club very famous with its drinks and deeds.

Here I was dancing my butt out singing every song with a dizzy head.

Wearing our sexiest outfits grinding our asses to whomever come behind us trying to find some release from our miserable lives.

After a song or two I decided to take another shot of poison and walked to the bar.

Bruno the owner of the place and the bartender as well gave me a smile and poured me another shot of tequila. I shot the drink I wiped the remaining from my chin with the back of my hand.

I pulled my brunette hair off my shoulders and knot it in a messy bun on my head. As soon as I raised my head I met with the most beautiful eyes I ever saw in my entire life. I looked at the owner of the eyes with admiration. The guy sitting next to my bar stool is the sexiest men on the earth. I gasped when I recognized his smirk and amusement in his eyes. He was wearing a black shirt, arms folded showing his bulged muscles beneath. He was breathtakingly handsome.

Danger and lust was pouring out of his every cell and he was approaching me like I was his prey. I shrank on my stool rolling my shoulders inwards in fear. His face came close to mines and spoke lightly with a voice to die for. I can feel my core dripping with the proximity he held I got nowhere to move and no desire, too.

"Are you feeling alright? You seemed out of space and consumed too much" he whispered in my ear. I blushed head to toe thanks to my pale skin. I was about to come right there when his teeth touched my earlobe seductively. I was dead and sent to hell. A moan escaped my mouth involuntarily. He chuckled huskily which made me recover quickly. I pushed him away and licked my lips instinctively.

"I am quite alright thanks" I said. Looked at him long enough and hopped off the stool waving him goodbye I slowly swayed my hips and winked at him temptingly and went to back to dance floor. I was not sure if he would follow me, although I found him quite intimidating he was infatuating at the same time which confused me how to act towards him. I slightly turned my back and raised my hands above my head and caught the rhythm of the music. Imagining this very handsome man behind me, holding my body against his and enjoying the dance with me.

All of a sudden a hand gripped my arm and pulled me back to a chest hard as a rock. "you are not leaving my side unless I say so, and for your information you cannot whore around when you are with me" the owner of the hand growled. This was not some kind of reaction I was expecting from him. That only infuriated me. How dare he hurt my arm and demand things from me!

I was not a wallflower or a toy that he could keep with himself and obviously I was not a robot to obey his commands. If I wanted to leave somebody I definitely do so, if I wanted to grind my hips I would find someone hot guy. I was beyond pissed and this gorgeous eyes piercing through mines didn't help the temperature to decrease. I tried to free myself but I failed because he was bigger and stronger than me, he captured me in his arms and seemed like not to let go soon.

"You cannot tell me what to do or who to f*ck" I gritted my teeth.

He grinned. "You don't know who you are dealing with"

"I don't care who the f*ck you are" I clenched my jaw.

"Your mouth is very dirty for a pretty girl like you" he dismissed my comment. "I make sure to teach you some lessons but for now let's leave this shitty place" he said nonchalantly.

I was still leaned on the rock chest looking at the hand that was holding my arm like a claw. As I slowly came to my senses I tried to rip myself off him but he didn't let me go.

"Please. You're hurting me" I whined but he didn't seem to mind what I say and squeezed my waist with his other hand.

"Let's make a deal. I will let you go for now if you come to my place tonight"

"Why would I do that?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Both of us can enjoy each others company giving some pleasure to each other physically..wait wait what was that?" he paused momentarily as if he was thinking about the right words to match. "Yes. We can f*ck" he excitedly smiled showing his lickable dimples.

"What if I don't want to?" I challenged him with the least of courage that remained in me. Because everytime I tried to move in his arms the friction caused by my wiggling was only increasing the need to be loved and touched by this man.

"Then I have to force you to come with me and believe me it won't be hard to do so" he smirked.

"Why do you want to force me to go with you though you may get plenty of other girls here willing to obey you?" I was trying to be reasonable with him. Even he was hot as f*ck I was irritated by his act of dominance which was not something I could tolerate in my life. No one dares to ever force themselves on me.

"I've been watching you for quite sometime and even before the minute you sat on that bar tool I've decided to take you tonight and that doesn't give you much chance doll face." He inhaled deeply while examining my face closely and fanned my face with his breath for the second time tonight. "Let's cut the crab and get going. Shall we?" He asked like a polite gentleman he is. As if he can ever be.

Without listening my answer he dragged me with him to a backdoor exit. "Wait" I squealed "I need my purse and.." my ID, money, phone every possession I have was in that purse.

"You won't need them" He interrupted me while pushing me inside the passenger seat of a black sleek car.

I know what is next to come. He will take me to a hotel, if I am lucky enough maybe drug me before he rapes me. If he does not drug me I will probably die from the fear and thrill of loosing my virginity to a total stranger and a psychopath. I could've scream when we were outside the bar but there was only darkness and nobody to hear me besides he pushed me inside the car within minutes that I hardly had time to comprehend what was going on.

I am a smart girl and I always find a way out of trouble all I need is a little time to observe my surroundings and quietness to peruse my enemy in the situation. Actually this was the case at home while I was in the middle of a prank caused by my brother or when I was in deep trouble with my parents.

I've never been kidnapped before for f*cks sake. Maybe I should cry my eyes out or beg him to release me. I am not that type of woman as well, I am known to be tough and cold hearted when it comes to sensitive subjects and I never do such kind of things even when I am threatened.

The car stopped in front of a high building, He immediately get off the car to my door. Opened it and held me in his arms like I am his lover if an outsider look at us they only see a couple in love.

So I did the unexpected and buried my face in his neck and breathe in and out there. He freezed still holding me tightly and pushed my head back to look at my face questioning my sudden change in behavior. In that instant I raised my knee to his groin and hit as hard as I can. After I my knee touched his balls with force I pushed myself back and headbutt his nose. His hold loosened and I instantly freed myself from him and attempt to run to a subway entrance which I spotted earlier when the car came to a halt.

Somebody yanked my hair and pulled me backwards until I fell into two strong arms. I began to scream but my voice only blared for a second and a big palm covered my mouth. In a blink of an eye I was inside the building riding the elevator for the penthouse still wrapped with his arms around me and his palm on my mouth. The receptionist at the entrance of the building not even tried to help me and connivance the situation that I was in.

When my kidnapper opened the door to the house he let go of me and I fell on the marble surfaced ground with a thud. I was on my fours. I turned my head and looked behind to exactly find a way to get the hell out that damned place. He grabbed my arm once again and stood me up. My arms were in bruises and hurting but he didn't seem to mind much.

He took me in his arms in bridal style and marched through the long hallway until he stopped by a door and opened it with a kick and once we were inside he throw me on a big bed. I bounced a little. He stared at me from above for a while and then he f*king grinned. His teeth flashing daylight framed by plump pink lips, his grin forming his cheeks to wrinkle with two dimples on each side. He was delectable. His black hair is brushed to a side showing off this beautiful face. I was mesmerized by his guise forgetting the condition that I was in. He inclined his body over mine brushing his lips like a feather to my left cheek and then to my jaw causing goosebumps on my skin. Finally his lips landed on mine softly and between small kisses I heard him whisper.

"So beautiful and mine."

--------------------------------------------------

Great Escape

I was trying to control myself and think fast while he was tormenting me with his light touches and kisses starting from my earlobe to my collarbone exposed by my strapless dress. When his hand approach my zipper on the left side of the dress I held his hand in place his gaze turned from being full of lust to confused. I cleared my throat and muttered "I need to go to bathroom"

His gaze still on me I slowly raised from the bed and observed two doors across the room which one of them I assumed to be closet and the other bathroom.

I hurried to the door and when I get inside I sighed with relief which I know that will last for little time. I needed to come up with a plan, the least of it all I should somehow reach the lobby downstairs without him acknowledging my escape. I stayed behind the door for a couple of minutes more hoping that he would forget me.

His husky voice startled me. "Doll face are you OK? You need anything?" He sound so normal like a loving man worried for his newly wed on their honeymoon. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he wasn't a psycho? He was hot, handsome with a drool worth body. Why couldn't he ask me out like a normal human being and see how it goes? Why should he kidnap me? If he didn't force himself on me I maybe consider him as someone I would like to see sometime. All he wanted was to have sex with me and he couldn't follow the universal rules of getting in to pants. Maybe I encouraged him by acting very experienced and seduced him yet It shouldn't be a reason for him to snatch me.

I turned the doorknob walked back to room. He was nowhere to be seen. I opened the room's door and sneaked to the hallway. I walked on my tiptoes with my heels in my hand and noticed that the sight was clear which was something very absurd. I opened the front door and reached the elevator. When I was at the ground floor the receptionist aka traitor looked at me in fear, cringing.

"Hey I know you don't want to involve in this situation but I will really owe you big if you can just call me a cab" I begged.

He shook his head and whispered "Sorry I can't. He will be downstairs soon and I don't want my brain to be bashed by him"

"At least give me your phone you coward." I whisper yelled.

"No can do mam" He was such a stubborn a*swhole.

"Just give it to me dammit" I greeted my teeth. My fists clenched ready to throw a punch on his face.

"Fine" He was finally defeated. I quickly dialed my bestie's number.

"Katie it's me Emily you have to help me please" I was praying that she was not wasted.

"Hey where have you been I was really worried about you Emily?"

"Katie listen I am in trouble you have to come get me quick I don't have my purse, money or anything. When you save me from this hell I will tell you everything please just hurry I don't know how much time I have" I gave her the address and tossed the phone back to traitor and head outside of the building. The moment I stepped out to dark pavement I heard him yelling to the receptionist. Oh my god he followed me. I hided between the columns of two windows making sure my shadow not to give me away.

He sounded frantic running through the open glass door outside looking for me. He was shouting profanities to somebody from his phone and ordering them to come search for me.

"Doll face" he shouted. I jumped in my place but still remained where I was, praying that he would eventually give up and go back inside.

As he just started to walk to the opposite side from me a cab approached in front of the building I ran to the door of the car like my life depended on it and it literally was and get in the car exclaimed to the driver to drive as fast as he can leaving a sweaty furious man behind looking like ready to break the rear window of the cab with two bulky men beside him.

"Oh my gosh Emily! What the hell happened to you?" Katie squeaked.

I was a mess. My hair felt like a bird nest on top my head. My dress hiked upwards exposing more thighs one of my heels missing probably I dropped it running for my life to the cab.

I looked at my friend and finally gave in and started to sob.

When we arrived at our apartment I quickly took a shower and changed in to my comfortable pyjamas. I sat on our couch. Everything about our little home warmed me inside feeling safe after like 4 hours marathon of horror.

I sipped my hot chocolate that Katie has prepared for both of us and began to tell her everything that I've been through that night not leaving a simple detail out.

As I finished my story Katie's face turned sourish.

"What if he comes after you?" she asked suspiciously.

"He doesn't know my name or where I live. I won't be going out to any night club or a bar for along time to make sure that I am not under his radar" I assured her.

"What about your purse?" she whispered in fear. Her question made me gasp.

"Katie you should go back to Bruno and get my purse from him. I gave it to him to keep it safe as usual while I was dancing. He always puts my belongings under the bar. Please can you do this favor for me? You know I cannot go there, if he finds me I don't want to imagine what he could do to me." I pleaded her.

"Fine I will go there tomorrow noon just for you cause I swear to God I cannot stand that Bruno moron you know."

"Yes I know and I am truly sorry for causing too much trouble for you" I muttered.

"Don't be silly I am just joking what friends are for" She chirped.

I was grateful to have a friend like her. I thanked god million of times that night that I was able to free myself from the hot psycho.

------------------------

The Goddess

Damien's POV

I was furious. She was gone.

In the middle of our -my- making love she asked to go to bathroom. I let her. I am not a patient man. I easily cross the line of anger yet I calmly waited for her. And she didn't come out for about ten minutes. The moment I was about to lose my s*it my phone went off. My right hand man who was supposed to be solving a couple of issues at the warehouse shouted at me like his world was falling apart as if he was dying. So I ran to my office downstairs shut the door and tried to understand what kind of s*it he was into. Once I figured out the situation through his blabbering I had to make some calls to clear out the mess caused by my one and only rival Sinigibskiy the Russian mob. After half an hour I stepped out of my office and headed to my bedroom where my goddess was waiting for me except she was not there.

I ran around at the house in circles but came out empty handed. I picked up the intercom directly connected to lobby to ask the receptionist to ask my girl's whereabouts but he was talking gibberish like a busted ratter. I ran to the elevator and passed through the lobby hoping she would be there. I called my men to gather a search party in case I could not do it myself. I was shouting like a lunatic who lost his first love whom he never had to chance to own in the first place but she was mine or she will be soon. Because I knew I had to have her the moment I laid my eyes on.

When I put my feet in that loser's bar that night my sole purpose was to collect the debt he owed me and have some fun afterwards. After business was dealt I leaned on the bar and searched the crowd to find a quick f*ck. All the blondes and brunettes in skimpy clothes with artificial faces with fake boobs disgusted me. I swallowed my whisky on the rocks and continued my search until I saw her. She was swinging her hips, arms above her head, moving her body smoothly with the music. Her long brown hair reaching her waist covering her naked back. And when she turned around I saw her baby face too beautiful and cute to be true. She was sexy and innocent, a total stunning combination. I watched her couldn't able to take my eyes off her.

She slowly approached the bar and sat on the stool next to me. She swallowed the shot Bruno the bartender gave her wiped the spilling remains of the drink from her chin with the back of her hand and bowed her head to knot the wavy hair and flung her head back. Our eyes met. And that was the exact moment that I assured myself to have her not only for tonight but for a long time.

Here I was sitting in my living room with my men trying to find her. All silent, working on their computers or on the phone talking to someone who might have known her.

One of the men Sal my second hand in command held his phone out from his ear and called out for me.

"We found her purse boss."

I jumped from my seat and told him to follow me.

As I drove my chest was aching with anxiety and excitement like a child who is upcoming to his prize and yeah she was my prize to be.

When I got her purse first thing I did was to search for her address. I took out her ID and examined her picture traced my finger over her face and I headed to her apartment immediately.

She was living in a middle class region of the city with old apartments and old curious people sneaking through their curtains. This was some kind of a place where rumor ruled the world and I hated. I had to save her from those pathetic losers and give her the life she deserved. The life only consists of me and my passion together with the luxury I can provide her. I was infatuated with her but to be honest I couldn't tell for how long because I was an unstable man doing illegal things for a living and sometimes my life wasn't all lights and stars.

Here I was standing in front of her door listening to her voice speaking on the phone that I assume with her friend who were to pick her purse from the bar for her how unfortunate that I was holding in my hand.

I knocked the door strongly. She opened still the phone at her ear eyes wide and thrilled.

I swung the purse a little and smiled.

"Are you looking for this doll face?"

--------------------------------------------------

Undeniable Facts

He was standing by the door with my purse in his hands and smiling. He was f*cking smiling. His expensive dark suit with black shirt was emphasizing the darkness within his soul in contradiction to his jocosely beautiful face. The sparks in his eyes were mischievous and adorable. His toned body and his upright stance were radiating strength and dominance.

I extended my hand for my purse but he upheld it to stop me to reach it. I hopped and tried again only to fell forward into his chest which was shaking with laughter. The heat radiating from his body trembled my every internal organ. His closeness shivered me. This could not be happening I shouldn't be feeling anything for this psycho but on the contrary I was ready to melt in his arms. The sudden effect of my fell into his chest caused an impact of indescribable, uncontrollable desire. I felt his hands holding my waist slowly reached my hips steadying me and pulling me closer to his body. His nose at the crook of my neck inhaling and exhaling, sending goosebumps to every cell on my body. I wanted to touch him, his chiseled face his toned arms, chest and didn't want to resist this unbearable desire to kiss him. So I moved closer. There was no space left between our burning bodies and I could feel his every muscle rising the need of feeling more and more inside me. I needed him to fulfill me, to complete me. His roaming hands all over my hips to my waist and arms burning me with pleasure. His soft lips kissing my neck with tender was melting me and making me moan in a way that I never ever heard myself before. I was holding on to his biceps which were filling my palms perfectly as if my life was depended on him. He moved his legs now we were hip to hip. I felt his hard on and gasped. I grinded on it like a horny teenager. The pressure between my legs was causing my head whirl.

I gave him more access to my neck and collarbone which earned a grunt from his throat, his lips started to suck and lick my sensitive skin, my legs were wobbling and if it wasn't his hand on my waist holding me I would fall down. He turned my chin with his other hand and touched my lips with his own like a feather, murmuring something I was not capable of comprehending. Then he pressed his lips to mine harder but yet still soft and gentle. I lost myself under the spell of those lips. This overwhelming feeling, bursting from my heart to my stomach completely blocking the upper side of my body that keeps me logical and reasonable, captured me. Even if I hated to admit, I was ready to be his now and then. He pulled away this dream from me by removing his killer lips from mine. Our foreheads touching, our breaths mingling, he managed to verbalize something with his sexy and husky voice that I couldn't form into anything meaningful cause my conception was corrupted.

I raised my head and looked at him in the eyes.

"Fuck" he whispered. "You are fucking beautiful and I want you now"

I whimpered with his words.

"Go pack some essentials for yourself, and meet me downstairs I will be waiting in the car" He commanded.

Here comes the reality and my brain that gratefully decided to function.

"No way! I am not going anywhere with you, give me my purse back and leave for forever!" I snapped back.

"Doll face don't you see that I won't? Can't you understand that there are undeniable facts? I will follow you wherever you go I will pursue every step you take and make you mine in the end?" he tsked. "I will never leave you until you're completely mine, capisce? he said with cockiness that is crowned by his infamous smirk that I want to rip away from him.

I pushed his chest away and removed myself from his hold. As soon as I was away from his touch I felt cold.

Coldness was good for my brain.

"No you're wrong" I yelled. "I don't and will not belong to anybody especially you, you cannot force me to do anything. I even don't know your name for God's sake!"

"Is that your problem? Oh it is easy to solve then" He grinned.

"My name is Damien Maxwell mademoiselle" he bowed his head with exaggeration.

"Fuck off" I was beyond furious, my anger level reached a point that cannot be measured without precaution.

"C'mon." He whined. "I am tired of your stupid shows and escapades. Be a little good girl and come with me maybe I reward you later" he suggestively winked and I blushed. I fucking blushed with embarrassment as if I wanted to be rewarded but ashamed to ask. Oh my f*cking life.

I collected myself up, straightened my composure "Mr. Matthews I am sorry but you have to leave before I call the cops" I said with determination.

He burst into laugh. Holding his hand to his stomach. "Darling go ahead and call and ask them about me and then when you have your answers, do as I tell and pack your things." He shooed me.

Of course he was not afraid of the cops, the man looked like a walking police department on his own, a danger to all kind of specimen in the universe. I bet he was what they call "capo" or something in Mafia. Wait are there still mafias in the world? The ruling system must have been changed since we were in technological century right?

"Yeah Mafia still exists doll face and is more powerful because of that technology. Don't beat your brain with stuff like this, I take care of the business." He said in boredom.

Did I say all that out loud?

Wow that was some news.

I felt defeated. There was nothing I could've done but listen to him. I looked at him one more time sizing him up and down. He was not that bad. He was a good kisser. Why not go with him huh? He must be rich judging by his appearance and he had a penthouse which was adequately nice as far as I remember. 'Hold it there Emily! You're not a materialistic girl, you never judge by the looks and count people's money' I told myself.

I should've admitted that he was good looking. This was a plus yeah?

'What about the inner look?' I was sure that he was not successful in that department. 'Fact.'

I turned around and go straight to my room. I was feeling a hunch on my back slowly enervating me. How I wish to be at home with my father and my brother right now. I was lonely in this city struggling with my studies at the college and fighting my past which was a burden as well as my being. I missed mom and her smell. Her tenderhearted words to calm me whenever I was provoked by my brother while playing games. I wished her to tell me what to do right now, how to escape this craziness caused by the delirious man outside my apartment to take me away to god knows where and how long. But she was no longer with me.

I couldn't, I wouldn't do it.

I could not surrender with despair. This was just not me. I needed to fight and oppose to whatever comes my way evilly, in this case it was Damien Matthews. I was determined and self confident eventhough I didn't know how to manage to get away from this nightmare.

Yet.

----------------------------------------------------

Despite the Resistance

I was sitting on an unfamiliar couch in a living room of a mansion I never knew that existed, harking back those good old days with my brother at the backyard of our two stories house that had a porch full of flower pots in all color. My eyes were fixed at a point on the Iranian carpet full of complexed designs, each knot keeping a different sad story of the weaver. The red rose that I was focused on was faded at the ends of the petals as if the veins that are rooted in the heart of the stem couldn't carry any more life and gave up on the last pieces. Just like my soul which my heart slowly trying to sacrifice to survive its basic routines of living and nothing much, like it has been willing to give up on life and live as a simple root.

How did I end up here? In this room I've never been before?

I surrendered. He looked impatient when he entered my room to find me still sitting on my bed in deep thought. He yelled to pack my things. I obeyed his wishes automatically not that I had this smart plan to escape and was pretending to be in his command. I was totally surrendering maybe because I gave up on my life, or his tone of voice was directive enough and woke up the slave inside me that I never recognized before, or the fact that I could see the bulge just beneath his waistband hinting a gun with a potential of shooting any part of my body.

Whatever.

It didn't matter anymore. Cause I was here. He was standing by the fire place playing with the tong, swinging it like a sword. He had a glass full of amber liquid in his other hand. I guess he was talking to me but I was so lost in the story of that carpet that I was not paying any attention.

He put back the tong and staggered towards the couch and almost fell on it. Was he drunk? He lifted my head by my chin and got closer, I could smell the alcohol.

"Are you drunk?" I murmured.

"Yes doll face but not because of alcohol, purely cause of you." He sighed.

"Why do you do this to me?" I felt encouraged by his soft expression.

"Do what?" He lifted his one eyebrow mockingly asked.

Back to square one.

I sighed and stood up. "Where can I sleep? I am tired" I really was tired. Exhausted by his manhandling and mind games, unsure of what the future hold for me. There were so many questions in my head that I want to throw up at his face but I was too numb to ask them away. How long was I going to stay with him? Till he gets bored with me? Then what will happen? How about my school? I will miss my classes and my chance to keep my scholarship. What about my family when they couldn't hear from me what would they do?

Yes I was tired.

He took me by surprise by rising to his feet and hugged me. My arms on my sides without any emotionI waited for him to finish what he started. He pulled me closer until my body was lined with his, the heat radiating from his every hard muscle to my soft body, sent a sudden jolt of sensation directly to my core. He started kissing my neck feverishly sucking my soft spot just below my earlobe causing me to moan. I unwittingly raised my arms and hold onto his neck and inhaled his toxic smell, citrus and spice mixed with his manly skin odor. I could get used to it if he kept on consuming me at this rate.

He lift his head a little to meet my lips and kissed them for the second time today but this time with more haste and possessiveness. He bit my lower lip which caused me to gasp allowing his tongue to invade my mouth. I could taste the whiskey on his tongue. My whole body swimming in haze ignited with desire to fulfill my needs that I was never aware of.

He pulled away slowly and put his attention back to my neck savoring by licking sucking. I parted my legs instinctively in order to satisfy my need burning me and my core between my thighs causing all my panties wet and sticky and grind on his hard on. He growled vibrating me and pressed himself more. I want this thick hard thing inside me I craved for it.

"Not here love" he breathed out to my neck. "I want to f*ck you in my bed"

His husky voice sent me to moon.

"You're a virgin after all I don't want to ruin my couch" said still in a husky voice.

That was enough for me to come to my senses. I couldn't believe my ears. Was he for real? Was he mocking me or was it really my blood on his couch that worried him at the moment? He was an ass*ole. I pushed him away tears stinging my eyes because of humiliation.

"Don't ever touch me again" I hissed anger flooding from my every pore.

He chuckled. "Not that shit again" he humored me.

"Yes that shit again and I am going to bed. WİTHOUT YOU" I yelled.

I rushed to the stairs assuming that bedrooms are upstairs leaving a psychopathic hot man behind.

-----------

I found a room that I thought was for guests like me. Note the sarcasm. No erase that, hostages like me.

I laid on the bed with my clothes on which were a tank top and jean shorts, too exhausted mentally and physically to change into something more comfortable for bed.

I strained myself to prevent from crying blinking my tears back and tired to fall asleep.

I woke up with a smell of alcohol. Damien was hovering me with his body. His chest was bare.

The room was dark except a small beam of light was leaking through bathroom.

I couldn't see his face completely but feel the spark of his eyes filled with lust focused on my face.

"Damien" I whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to get what is mine" he answered with confidence evident in his voice.

He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me temptingly. I shivered under his body. His bare chest almost touching my breasts causing my nipples to harden. I arched my back while his hand started its roam from my waist to my left breast, rubbing, playing with my nipple over my thin shirt. A moan escaped my lips when he pushed his tongue to my mouth a sudden flush of wetness covered my whole p*ssy. His other hand lingered on my waistband and unbuttoned my shorts and discarded them together with my pants to the floor.

I whimpered by my nakedness. I've never been this naked in front of anybody else. I crossed my legs to prevent exposing my private parts. He was on his knees looking at me in an unsatisfactory mood.

He reached over my tank top and pulled them up my arms revealing my satin bras. Still not quite happy with my look he discarded my bras as well with his skilfully hands. I was too mesmerized to realize what was going on and busy watching his delicate face, broad shoulders and abs. Reality hit me when he lowered his body onto mine separating my legs with his knees positioning himself between them.

"No" I hardly whispered. My throat was dry.

"Shh" he began to kiss my collarbone down to my left breast, his hand squeezing the right one. I arched my back when he twirled his tongue around my pink hard nipple. I heard him chuckling quietly enjoying my body's reactions. My traitor body was betraying my mind to stop this craziness.

His other hand traveled down more until it reached my p*ssy lips causing my mind to blur and my body to tremble with need. His talented fingers caressed my folds spreading the wetness dripping from my core to all over my p*ssy. His thumb found my nub circling, rubbing. I was somewhere I've never been before, experiencing some kind of a pain deliciously bearable and the need to explode was pushing my body to this edge I was unfamiliar with. "Give into me baby" I heard his voice from afar. I was not myself anymore I was somebody else with the need to come undone. And I exploded with his last stroke.

I was shivering and trying to overcome the sensation that just left my body. Damien on the other hand hard as rock began to move hips and thrusted my core with his c*ck still covered by his boxers. He got rid of them in a swift motion. I was rigid despite the fact that I had my first orgasm I was terrified by the idea to give my virginity to this man I hardly new. I tried to rise up and push him away. He held my wrist with one hand and pushed me back.

"My turn" He growled.

I glued my legs together but he was bigger and stronger than me.

"If you continue to behave like this it will only seduce me more and enhanced my need to fuck you harder"he growled and pushed my legs apart.

I was shivering with fear and couldn't hold my tears longer. Once he pushed his thick member inside me I shrilled with pain. This was not how I dreamt of my first time. No love, no candlelight no music. Pure lust. As my pain subsided he quickened his thrusts and with an final groan he came inside me. I sobbed harder when he moved away looking at me from where he was standing and lift the comforter over my naked body. He caressed my face with the back of his hand, I swatted it away. He gripped my hair into his fist and lift my head from the soft pillow. I whimpered in pain. "Let go" I hissed through my clenched teeth. He forcefully pulled and pushed my hair again causing my head to throb. I screamed this time and freed myself from his hold and jumped up the bed on the floor next to him.

"Who the fuck are you to treat me like this, to take my virginity without my consent? Who do you think you are?" I shouted with tears falling down my cheeks uncontrollably.

"I am the capo, I own this town I own the people. This is who I am" He roared. "However, you are just a slut to fulfill my desires until I get bored of you, just a toy I temporarily own."

I put my hands on my head to diminish the pain I was feeling and closed my eyes to block out the humiliation. His words replaying in my ears causing more tears to fall.

When I managed to calm down a little I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"Temporarily?" I asked smoothly like I was afraid to lose my last hope of freeing myself from this slavery.

-----------------------------------------

Lovelessness

"I love you"

My mom used to say and kiss my forehead while I pretended to sleep, after telling me a fairytale about the frog and the princess. The story always convinced me that every ugly thing hides a beauty underneath.

I waited where I stood until he left the room and I headed to the bathroom to wash away the shame plastered on my skin. I washed my body until my skin turned red. I found a shirt and shorts from my suitcase and went to bed to sleep. It took ages to fall asleep somehow I managed.

I woke up with a push rather than polite and opened my eyes. I was still tired but the woman at the head of the bed didn't seem to understand that.

"Get off so I can change the sheet"

I stood up and examined her. She was older than me but not much, maybe only mid twenties. You cannot call her ugly yet there was something in her eyes told another story.

She changed the sheets quickly. After she finished the job she glared at me before speaking menacingly.

" I will bring your breakfast. You will stay in this room until you told otherwise. The boss' orders."

I squinted my eyes. I could not decipher her but still agreed since I was at the enemy's territory.

She brought my food after ten minutes later still holding on to her hostile attitude.

I was the one kidnapped and raped but she hated me.

I withdrew all my thoughts about her and ate my breakfast like there was no tomorrow while she was watching me in disgust.

When I was finished she left the room with the tray. I was all by myself. I walked to the window and looked outside and observed a grand garden full of flowers and neatly arranged lawns. I sat there by the window on a lovechair and waited for my destiny to outbreak.

After a couple of hours the door which I never bothered to check whether it was locked or not, opened widely revealing the devil himself in his dark suit. His gaze on me made me uncomfortable but I didn't even shift in my position. He came closer until he was standing by me.

"So" he muttered. "I will explain some rules that you have to obey during your stay" he said.

I waited for him to continue cause I was really exhausted to either object or defy him.

"You will stay in this room and are not allowed to leave unless you've been told otherwise. The maid will bring your food and other necessities that you may need. I come to you when I am in need of f*cking you and when I do come you have to listen to me and do as I tell you and satisfy me, if you are lucky enough I may give you a couple of orgasms in return" he smiled genuinely.

What sort of sociopath smiles after that kind of a speech was beyond my comprehension, so I just nodded my head and looked away to the garden.

"Can I go and take a tour at the garden sometimes?" I whispered almost I even couldn't hear myself.

He chuckled. "You have to earn that privilege" I nodded again without looking at him because I knew that if I ever looked him in the eye it would hurt like hell. I still felt the soreness and pain between my thighs caused by his harshness previous night.

He untied his tie and slowly took of his jacket. His shirt followed cause I felt his movement beside me.

"Remove the shorts and pants and lay on the bed" he commanded and I followed his orders. I slowly removed my shorts and pants and laid on the bed.

"Spread your legs wide"

I obeyed him and opened my legs exposing my p*ssy and remained emotionless because there left non.

He got rid off his pant and boxers and kneeled between my legs, laid over me and without any warning he pushed his c*ck inside. I cringed with pain but didn't make a noise. After a few more thrusts he slipped out and stood up still looking at me with a look that I couldn't describe. He dressed up and left to room living the door ajar.

As soon as he left the witch of a maid entered. She lifted me off the bed and I caught a glimpse of pity in her eyes but it changed as it came. She pushed me towards the bathroom and ordered like her boss.

"Shower"

I did.

I did the same thing for about 13 days. Yeah I counted the nights and the noons he came to the room. I was a lost soul and didn't know how to find where my soul has disappeared. All I did was to pray that his infatuation as he mildly expressed would come to an end free me from this nightmare.

------------

Bad Memories

It has been a week since he didn't come to my room. Did that mean that he's got bored of me?

I felt left out and drowned since noone else but the witch of a maid has contacted me during meal times.

I heard a laughter outside my room past at midnight. I was waiting for him to claim me so I was still awake. I tiptoed to the door and opened it ajar to see what was going on. Yeah that was the farthest I have ever gone out of the room for weeks. Call me pathetic call me pavlov's. I don't care. I looked through the room and recognized two bodies entangled laughing loudly and making out in between. There was a blonde wrapped around his arms and kissing. I felt a sting in my heart. The feeling that long ago I dismissed to feel. The feeling that I forget to feel. Guilt accompanied by loneliness. Eventhough the circumstances did not match, the feeling was familiar.

I caught him cheating on me. When he realized what has he done he let go of the girl and came rushing back to me with regret. I would have left him there if the storm wouldn't have intervened. Somehow I ended up in his truck driving back to home. I was crying my eyes out while he was silent like a desert. Out of blue he started to speak out his mind out and tell me why he kissed the bitch of the school and my bully. I was furious because of his excuses and began to yell at him to stop. He was holding the steer wheel tightly with one hand and other was trying to calm me down. I pushed his hand away and he lost control. In a blink of an eye we flew directly to a tree. I watched every moment of the accident where we flew and the tree hit him on the head breaking through the roof of the car like a thin paper. His eyes wide as shocked his mouth opened to say the words he repeated and dead. I opened my door in panic and called the first person came to my mind.

"Mom"... I cried out "something terrible happened and he is dead."

Mom was frantically shouting at me asking me my whereabouts. She told me that she was on her way to home from work and advised me to call 911 immediately. She said that she would try to find us and command me to stay put right next to the car. I remember doing everything she told me and dialed 911. Good lord how would I know that the same ambulance that was supposed to help us was carrying my moms body in it.

The guilt never left me. While looking out that room I felt cheated and terrified with the thought that if I ever reacted the same way I did that night, ugly things would turn out on me again. I slowly closed my door burying the pain inside my heart.

When I woke up the next morning I decided that I won't be the victim of my faith anymore caused I suffered a lot for years.

After I showered and wear my shorts and tank top I headed out of the room and went downstairs where the loud laughter and talk can be heard. I raised my head high and enter the room which I presumed to be the kitchen. Couple of men and a few maids were splintered around the area. I walked to the coffee machine in confidence until a hand reached for me to stop. I looked at the hand holding my wrist and then to the face of the owner. I saw no one other than the witch herself.

I raised my eyebrow and looked at her asking for an explanation. She withdrew her hand and glared. I smiled and continue to my task to have a coffee. I poured down some coffee to my cup and leaned on the counter and sipped my coffee in victory. A temporary victory.

However I had enough time to count and examine the bodyguards that were supposed to keep me locked in the mansion.And then I started small chat with them naively believing that would be a gate to my escape, never occurred to me that would cause my worse punishment as well.

----------------------------------

Storm

After a couple of minutes of conversation with one of Damien's men Sal, I understood the amount of danger those men are in constantly. I was on a thin ice asking questions and trying to remain on the safe side and getting some answers.

"You mean that Damien has an army of men dealing with drugs, weapons and all kinds of trafficking? Isn't he too young to be the leader of such kind of an organization?"

"You are asking too many questions." Sal was amused by my curiosity and I think he liked my company too. He was tall broad and blonde with bright green eyes. "We educate and train our men at early ages. Damien is the stepson of the capo and started his training when he adopted him at the age of 8. So he's been into this for 20 years. That does count a lot huh?" His amusement approached his lips and smiled to my shocked face.

"Can I ask you a question beautiful?" He imitate my posture. I laughed. I f*cking laughed after two weeks and I felt fine and relaxed. Sal made me relaxed and carefree, I loved that feeling.

"Yeah shoot" We both laughed this time at my stupid choice of word.

"Why are you here downstairs instead of your room? As I remember Damien strictly ordered you stay there." He was serious. Not a bit of any fun left in his expression.

I straightened myself off the counter, put my mug in the sink.

"I was bored and I thought that I might find someone to talk to cause all I have is I mean was Damien and I haven't seen him for a week, and the witch of a maid is not someone you would like to share anything. That's why I am here Sal. Is that a bad thing?"

He looked sad, his green eyes lost his spark for a second showing the despair he felt for me and it suddenly made me feel secured. At that exact moment of sharing that look with this big man I had this feeling that I might trust him with my escape. But I was not stupid to tell him soon. I got to know him better.

While we were exchanging glances, the front door of the mansion opened with loud bang and I couldn't see the person entering but I could hear his voice that made my blood cold. I scurried to the stairs and ran for my life to the room I live.

He was behind me when I opened my door and stepped inside.

"What do you think you are doing doll face?" he sounded calm. Calm before the storm.

He grabbed my elbow and turned me around. I grimaced with pain.

"Damien. Please you're hurting me" I whined. But this was not some kind of a lovers fight, this was his rage oppressed with passion towards me. He pushed me so hard that I fell on the carpeted floor. As I was trying to get up an unexpected slap hit my cheek causing me to fall back.

And then another to my other cheek following with kicks and fists. I think he lost his control at some point cause his growls and insults continued never ending.

"You slut defied me." fist on my head.

"How could you flirt with my men?" kick to my stomach.

"Are you that much addicted to f*ck huh?" slap

"Do you want me to fuck you every -slap - f*cking- slap- day- kick?"

I passed out.

I felt arms carrying me to somewhere I couldn't recognize.

I woke up in a white room with fluorescent light. I blinked my eyes couple of times to adjust to the light. I was laying on a bed that seemed like litter. I checked my arms and hands and saw an IV cord lurching from my elbow. My head was dizzy. I tried to remember the reason why I was here and his face flashed in front of my eyes, furious and full of rage, I didn't remember any kind of hatred though. I knew that I had to pay for my escapade's debits, I was aware that my plan had a price but never imagined it to go this far. My possessor was a lunatic mad man with a beautiful face and dark soul. He was the kind of man who would hit a woman without hesitation.

And the worst pathetic thing was I missed that guy the other day. I missed him in my bed, I missed his closeness, his touch, his rock body over me, behind me, under me. The sex was not always great but some nights when he was in a good mood he would take me to clouds like he once promised and those nights were the best of my life here in that mansion. Cause at those nights he held me close to his body after the sex, he hugged me, smelled and caressed my hair like I was his girlfriend as if he cared for me. On those nights sometimes he fell asleep cuddling me with a smile on his face, all his features softened. Yes I missed those nights.

The door to the infirmary opened and revealed a doctor at the age of forties. He was wearing glasses that are big for his face and he held a genuine small on his wrinkling face.

"How is my little patient doing?" he asked happily.

My throat was dry even though I tried to speak my voice didn't come out.

He gave me a plastic cup. I sipped the water with difficulty and gave it back to him.

"Where am I?" My voice was wheezy but hopeful that I might be at a hospital so that I could get help to be freed of my slavery.

"You're in the infirmary of the mansion. You were fainted when boss brought you here." He smiled proudly as if Damien aka boss was some kind of a knight in shining armor.

"But I checked you and there is nothing to worry about, a few bruises here and there, you will be fine in a couple of days. You don't have concussion I think you passed out because of anxiety. I prescript some medicine for you. Boss's men will bring them soon."

A few bruises? This man was crazy. My whole body was aching and my head was dizzy. I was beaten for god's sake by a man too strong for me to fight back, by a man who could've killed me in an instant.

I took a deep breath to calm down.

"How long do I have to stay here?" I asked as calm as I could be.

"Just a couple of hours to make sure that your head does not cause any trouble in the future, you know to check any concussion that may occur. "

I nodded and decided to continue my sleep and closed my eyes.

"No no no" he was alarmed. "You cannot sleep, I have to check you every half an hour"

I nodded again and turned my face to the ceiling and wondered how my life will proceed from now on.

-------------------------------

Forgiveness

I opened my eyes slowly with the feeling of caressing on my face and my hair. I blinked couple of times to identify the owner of the hand.

Damien was looking at me with his enthralling eyes full of emotion consisting care and tenderness.

"I am so sorry doll face" he murmured. I looked at him perplexed. He was the one who beat me to death with rage and hatred. What was this? How was I supposed to act now? He noticed my confusion and continued on his affectionate touch.

"I am a fucked up man. I lose my sh*t easily. That was what happened yesterday when I heard your voice talking to one of my men warmly, laughing with him. I lost it. You defied my orders, you went out of your room without my permission just to seek out a hint to make up a plan to run away from me. And you were friendly with him going beyond your purpose. " He was disappointed in me I could feel the vibes, while he was emphasizing his each word. But who was he to blame me?

"I am an unstable man with a lot of issues. Business, family..." he faltered. "you" "They are all too much of a burden to me. And I find relief in you however being aware that the minute I unlock the door you'll run away annoys the hell out of me and forces me to keep you here eventhough I know you are not happy with me".

He lightly wiped the tears escaping my eyes.

"I never want to relive yesterday and you are the one to prevent it. I cannot trust myself for my actions yet either you. Please behave" He kissed my forehead.

I pushed myself up a little with the help of my elbows avoiding the pain of my sore body and move away from him slightly to give enough space between us. Because this closeness was suffocating me, blurring my mind and causing me to be fooled by his words.

"I - I don't want to be here anymore" I tried to control my voice since I didn't talk for hours it was coming out a bit hoarsely.

"I know, love. I know" He sighed. "But you are in it now and I cannot take the risk of letting you go, cause I am sure that the moment you leave this premises you will not be safe anymore. You will either act stupid enough as might be expected and go to police or be kidnapped by my enemies."

I widened my eyes in shock and anger.

"I will go to cops for sure what is so stupid about it? It is the wisest thing to do"

He barked a laugh. "Oh love" he looked at me sympathetically "Cops would do no good for you trust me, they will bring you straight back to me in case you are lucky, if not you will be delivered to my enemy."

"I am stuck" realization hit me hard.

"Yes" he assured.

He stood up and held my hand. "I am glad that we overcome with this misunderstanding. I am sure you will not do anything to jeopardize your safety anymore." The satisfaction was flooding from him irritatingly.

"Get well soon". he said before turning around to leave.

"I will never forgive you" I whispered.

"I am not asking for it." He shrugged. "All I am expecting from you is to obey my orders and be a good girl." "Forgiveness is for the ones who are in faulty behavior. And I did nothing wrong."

"How long do you think you will imprison me here?" His unawareness of his actions, recklessness, believing that beating up a woman for an excuse which was justified by his sick reasoning is inevitable and eventually natural, was driving me crazy.

"Sweetheart" he mocked. "This is not a prison, this is heaven. You have everything, ask for the maids for food, clothes and anything a beautiful woman like you desires for. I can give you whatever you wish" How he doesn't know me didn't surprise me at all. I was never after those things like any other woman might pursue with passion. I want simple things in my life. After two years of struggling to overcome my losses, I found my content in my small apartment and my college life with a life long friendship.

"I want my freedom" I was exhausted by his rant.

"You will enjoy your freedom here within the confines of my living conditions and it will eventually satisfy you, trust me."

"How long?" I insisted.

He seemed bored. Anyhow he still answered my question.

"As long as I want"

"Then what? When you get bored of me and find a new toy to play with what will happen to me? I was terrified with the possibility of dying.

"If" he emphasized looking in to my eyes insistently. "I ever get bored of you, you will be sent to one of my houses of..." he paused seeming to find the right words to say loud.

"House of what?" I interrupted him showing the terror in my eyes.

"One of my houses" he trailed off still finding difficulty to form a sentence. "Mainly aim to satisfy men"

"A whore house" I whispered in horror. "I am a whore for you after all. Nothing more nothing less" I concluded.

He didn't answered back, his gaze held a kind of remorse and confusion. He straightened his shoulders and turned back to door once again.

When he was about to leave. "I will never forgive you" I whispered.

He paused for a second and then left without saying anything else.

I closed my eyes, tears drying on my cheeks and drifted away to sleep.

-------------------------------

Belonging

I was healing quicker than expected. My bruises were still visible but fading dramatically.

After Damien told me that I could get whatever I wished for. I ordered books of all kinds and movies. A DVD player has been launched on the table beneath a flat screen TV mounted on the wall across my bed.

I spent my days in my room reading, watching movies and sometimes admiring the garden whilst sitting on my lovechair.

Benefiting the advantage of being wounded and vulnerable I asked Damien to change my maid. Surprisingly he agreed to replace the witch with someone older and merrier than her. Her name was Dorothy. We immediately clicked with each other.

Dorothy was not the only merrier one. Damien was much more affectionate towards me during the process of healing. He accompanied me while eating, he liked to cuddle while watching sappy movies with me. He was ordering around as if whatever I asked for was a command needing to be done right away. I was flattered and felt spoilt. I was smiling more often. Especially whenever Damien enters the room I couldn't hide the joy I was filled with, the way his eyebrows cock when he is amused by my overreaction to his appearance, the way he smirks at my sudden blushing as he makes silly dirty jokes, his intense stares, the way he laughs with me, stealing kisses from my cheeks while I was not paying attention. All of these change of attitudes started to make me feel like I belong to him, to this place, I felt like he cared about me.

The day he brought a bouquet of daises from the garden smiling widely, his eyes shining with happiness I realized that I was falling for him and at that moment it didn't really scared me because the enthusiasm I feel was blinding everything else around it.

My long gone freedom was forgotten. I even dismissed the thought of my family and Katie whether they were worried about me. If they perceived that I was kidnapped shouldn't have tried to reach for me one way or another?

The only thing that bothered me was sex. I knew that Damien was addicted and I was aware that our cuddling sessions would not be satisfactory for him. Although he stayed with me during the days for hours he never attempted to spend the nights.

Knowing that he was touching some other woman gashed my heart, causing insufferable sting deeply.

After the fifth day we spent together I decided to ask him to stay with me since I was completely healed.

He kissed my forehead lovingly caressing my hair as usual, before he left for the night. I reached for his hand and grabbed his wrist.

"Stay" I murmured. He stared at me in shock.

"Doll face" he sighed.

I was terrified that he would reject me.

"I can't" he whispered while leaning forward and kissing my neck.

"Why not?" I was fighting with my tears to fall. My heart was on the table and he would eat it carelessly.

He exhaled slowly sending shivers to my body. His warmth covering me, causing me to crave for more, more of him more of everything.

"I - I have a dinner meeting that I can't postpone" he stuttered for the first time since I've met him.

"Take me with you" I pleaded.

"Sorry love, it's too dangerous to show you off, you may get attention easily and I can't let that happen." he said staring directly into my eyes trying to convince me.

"So does that mean you are going alone?" I was digging a grave I shouldn't. The possibility of his going with another woman and spending the night with her, fucking was tearing me apart and my eyes were showing it all. I threw my pride at his feet and waiting for him to walk on it.

When did I get this clingy? After he beat me or after he healed me? Ironic. I was pathetic. He has every right to treat me like a slut. I was begging him to have me, to love me, forgetting that I refused him, defied him more than once at the beginning. And he disciplined me and converted me into some kind of creature worst than a dog.

He cleared his throat, freed his wrist from my fingers.

"I will go with an acquaintance. S-she is a friend" he said stuttering for the second time.

"Are you going to spend the rest of the night with her?" I asked couldn't bare to look at him I fixed my eyes on the floor.

"Listen why don't you call Dorothy and have a night with her while I am at this boring meeting? And I promise that I will take you to the garden tomorrow. How about it huh?" He tried to sound enthusiastic, cocking an eyebrow.

He was avoiding my question but this didn't stop the sorrow that was burried in my heart. My eyes were brimmed with tears and I was hardly holding them back to prevent from falling.

I shook my head still looking down.

"I am tired" I whispered. "Besides, I don't want to occupy Dorothy with my silly business."

He narrowed his eyes.

"It's okay, really. Go to your meeting. I'll be fine" I assured him raising my voice a little bit higher for the sake of my dignity.

"Don't you wanna go take a walk around the garden tomorrow?" He asked suspiciously.

If he asked me this question last week I would be in raptures. The seeds of jealousy planted in my heart restrain this act moreover it brought more grief and desire to stay in darkness.

"No. Not anymore." I shook my head.

"Why not?" he caringly whispered.

"It doesn't matter. I think you should go" I insisted in my denial though there was a severe storm in my heart, I kept it low outside.

He took my face between his hands and raised my head to look at him.

"Listen doll face" he said impatiently. "I will go to this meeting and spend the night somewhere else, come tomorrow morning and will take you to that walk. Understand?" He was hypnotizing me with his blue eyes and commanding me once again, not asking. I scoffed to myself in my head. As if he ever asked my opinion on anything before. Who was I kidding? I was the captive here, I was the slutty slave. Those five days of delusion soon to be over and I never admitted it to come and turned blind to the possibility that this was all part of an act, warm the water up to prepare me slowly so that I would never realize that it boiled at the end. I disguised it willingly and pretended as it was a part of my sappy novels where the delinquent finally falls in love with the innocent and they live happily ever after.

I nodded.

As soon as he left the room I went weak at the knees and sank into my lovechair allowing my tears to fall.

-------------------------------------

Likelihood of Love

Damien didn't come to walk around the garden as he promised the previous day. I sulked in my room trying to focus on my reading.

When Dorothy came in to bring my meal at noon I started a chat with her in the hope of finding Damien's whereabouts.

"Hello Dorothy!" I chirped.

"Hello Darling" she smiled. I was fond of her communication skills contrary to the witch who used to manipulate me rudely. Dorothy was always polite to me.

"Did you see Damien today?" I asked hiding my excitement.

"No darling, he was supposed to be here this morning but probably something must have interfered and I haven't heard anything about it" she cut me off before asking anymore questions.

I sighed and sat back on my chair and started to eat. I knew that Damien spent the night with one of his flings and wouldn't care about me for a minute. But I built a dream world for myself to ignore the recent conditions of my living and pretend to be a girlfriend who was loyal to her lover in every way and receiving the same treatment in return. It was a f*cked up way of living, like a mentally ill person I created my own fantasy life. Maybe my brain was damaged and its functions altered in a psychopathic way caused by Damien's hitting. Maybe I really lost it as a result of a mental torture enforced by him. Still it didn't matter anymore.

So I turned towards Dorothy who was folding some clean laundry and placing them in my drawer, and asked her whether I could have a gown purchased and delivered for tonight.

She looked shocked at my demand.

"A gown?" she questioned.

"Yes" I squealed. "A red long one" I clapped my hands in happiness. "Wouldn't it look gorgeous on me with a slit on one leg and must have a deep cleavage" I looked up to ceiling as if picturing my dress in my mind. "Yes" I jumped from my seat and twirled around like I had the imaginary gown on me.

"Sure my dear. I will tell Sal to buy you one." She said gingerly.

"Oh and makeup sets. Lots of lots of colors. And a perfume. Candy by Prada yes I definitely want it." I was acting as if I was in a 50's movie dancing around ordering my demands enthusiastically.

She waited until my rant finished. "Of course"she said exhausted with my high energy.

When she came back after a couple of hours later I was sleepy and bitter for waiting.

She put all the packages on my bed and started to open them one by one explaining the contents of each.

I wearily took the gown and held it in front of me. It was beautiful just like I imagined it. I went to bathroom and took a shower, shaved my legs and trimmed my p*ssy. After shower I lotioned my body and stepped out to bedroom to find it empty.

I was kind of relieved that Dorothy was no longer in the room cause my mood swings suffocated me and I don't want to torment her with my attitudes.

I put on the gown. It was more beautiful on me showing enough cleavage to seduce. It was pure satin so I decided not to wear any undergarment. Plus this made me feel more sexy and daring.

I curled my hair in soft waves and began to apply my make up which I decided to emphasize my eyes and leave my lips nude to prevent cheap look. Cause red lips with red dress would show me like a slut and there was no place for sluts in my fairy tale.

I put on my black strap heels and I examined myself in the mirror, the reflection satisfied me and I smiled to myself. I sprayed my Candy-Prada as a final touch.

I decided to wait for my prince charming sitting on my lovechair, it was dark outside, the night has fallen over the mansion, only moonlight brightening the room through window.

I couldn't estimate the time I stayed there, wasting it by looking out of the window, watching the leaves of the oak trees beyond the garden, dancing with the wind, making illusions playing with the moonlight. After an indefinite period of time I fell a sleep.

I woke up with a thud of the door. Someone sneaked in and closed the door. They moved to the bed and searched for something. I quailed on the chair waiting for an attack that never came.

"Dollface" Damien whispered.

I stood up and looked for him in the dark. "I am here" I whispered back.

"Why are you sitting in the dark instead of sleeping?"

"I waited for ..." I was embarrassed for endeavoring to get Damien's attention and grossly failing.

"You waited for what dollface?" He inquired.

"You?" I questioned his reaction.

He switched on the lamp beside the bed. Everything came to light including me. He gasped.

He slowly eyed me from head to toe approvingly, the light blue eyes turning darker with each look.

"Let's make it worth the wait then" he said mischievously and stepped forward to me.

I anticipated in awe until he came closer. He held my waist and pulled me to his chest to remove any space between our bodies. He squeezed my buttock and buried his lips to my neck, sucking, licking kissing. I threw my head back to give him more access and moaned. He bit my earlobe which sent a sudden shiver through my spine directly to my core. I was beyond wet, I could feel the cream on my thighs. He slowly removed my straps to fall on my arms revealing my bare breasts for his feast. He groaned and lowered his head to suck my already hardened nipple. I arched my back and screamed in pleasure. His hand on my waist moved up and started to squeeze and rub my other breast. Then his hand moved to south between my thighs through the slit of my dress and met my bare p*ssy. He growled. "Dollface you are killing me" He slowly stroke my c*lit making me squirm and rubbed my wetness to the folds until his finger touched my entrance. He suddenly pushed it in whilst his thumb continued to rub my nub.

I couldn't stand anymore I wanted him there and then.

"Damien" I moaned. "Please..."

He licked my nipple one more time and looked up to me in lust adding another finger in me and pushing. I inhaled sharply.

"What do you want love?" he asked huskily

"Take me" I exhaled.

"No say the words" He was playing with me but I was at the edge of loosing control and all I wanted was to feel him inside me.

"F*ck me." I demanded. "I need your c*ck" I added bravely.

He threw me on the bed and slide my dress up to my waist. My p*ssy was on display and I didn't give a damn about it. He quickly got rid of his clothes while looking at me in hunger.

After getting completely naked, exposing his delicious body for my eyes he lay over me supporting his body with his forearms and started to kiss me. I kissed him back in the same awe and hunger our tongues battling with each other tasting, sucking playing. He slide into me with one thrust without any warning which caused both of to gasp and hold our breaths for a second, I wrapped my legs around his waist. He sucked my neck, smelling me, his thrusts on the some slow pace like enjoying each one of them inspite of the desire to reach the climax. He was making love to me. The love I craved for, the love I sacrificed my dignity and pride in the name of sex. We women give sex in return of love and that was what I was doing at the moment. For each thrust I was hoping for love.

When I couldn't hold it anymore I came screaming his name. After a few more thrusts he joined me groaning, spilling his seeds inside my womb.

We laid breathing heavily for a couple of minutes without exchanging any words.

He turned his face to me and caressed my hair.

"That was amazing dollface" he murmured.

"Yeah" I managed to say.

He pulled me in his arms wrapping his hand around my waist. I put my head on his chest just above his heart, listening to his beatings like a lullaby, smelling his manly odor and fell asleep peacefully.

----------------

Fell Out of Love

I have never craved for love this much. I knew that I was not a ugly girl except my high school years when I suffered dots and pimples, a nerd with baggy clothes studying to get a full scholarship in college. When I got to get out of my own hometown for college I bloomed into something else, who was aware of her appearance. Couple of guys came after me but my education always got the priority and I dismissed all offers.

I sipped my wine and enjoyed the taste on my tongue. Yes Dorothy gave in to bring some for me tonight most probably recognizing the agony in my eyes caused by Damien.

I woke up in an empty bed, my dress wrapped around my waist absurdly leaving the rest of my body naked, after the night we spent in each others arms and never saw him the whole day.

The love I begged silently from him went tossed out only remains of sex left behind which caused me to yearn for more.

Maybe I was wrong to ask for love from him but who could blame me? As far as I counted I've been in this house for 6 weeks and all I ever communicated with were Damien, the witch and Dorothy and Sal only for once.

My dad never forgave me for what I have caused after that night and my brother was not the same loving one towards me anymore. I was alone and now I am suffering the same faith once again. Maybe it had to be this way.

I simply denied to fall into this trap of emotions after my third glass and decided to look for Damien. When I reached the door of the room to open it and determined the explore the floor to search for Damien's room, I heard footsteps on the hallway. I opened my door and saw Damien staggering.

"Hey" I chirped suddenly startling him.

He turned around and gazed at me.

"Why aren't you in your bed?" he mumbled.

"Are you okay?" I ignored his question yet something about his stance irked me.

"Yeah. I am going to bed" he murmured.

"Damien" I whispered afraid of angering him. "I wanted to talk to you"

"About what?" he snapped.

"Us?" I questioned quailing.

"Yeah about us" He sighed in despair. "Listen." he said. I didn't want to hear it. I somehow sensed that what he was going to say soon would be something I would hate to hear but I still stood there waited for him to continue.

"There will be a wedding next month. And I..." he trailed off with sorrow sank in his eyes.

"What about it?" I whispered, terrified to hear the answer.

"I will be marrying this.. the sister of Russian mob" he sighed.

I could not count the number of the daggers stabbing my chest, cutting it into pieces, blood flowing from each whole causing my breath to stick in my throat, choking me.

"Emily" he was panicked and it was the first time he called me by my name and I despised it. He was going to marry some girl and he didn't bother to tell me last night when he made love to me.

I calmed myself after a few seconds despair replaced with fury. Fury for this son of a b*tch to took my life away from me, imprisoned, used and abused me and at the end he's gone far too long to marry someone else. I hurled myself onto him hitting his chest while screaming profanities. He wrapped his arm around me to control my attacks and when he managed, he slowly moved his hand on my back to soothe me whispering sweet nothings to my ear.

When I gave a shake to my pensiveness I looked him in the eye.

"What now?" I asked wondering whether his answer will cause more pain than already I felt or not.

"I want to keep you with me in this house." he said decisively.

"But you will have a wife here" and it will not be me I wanted to yell at him. "She will not approve my presence"

"Mafia woman are used to mistresses, you still can be one of my mistresses" He concluded.

I was shattered when I heard him saying that he will marry but calling me one of his mistresses, an object like a cup he puts on a shelf killed me. I slowly moved myself out of his reach and didn't go on arguing with him, knowing that it will be futile. I nodded my head and stepped in to my room without even saying goodnight.

I cried all night. He didn't bother to come to check on me.

When I woke up next morning or noon apparently, I was surprised to find the witch folding laundries near my bed.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I screeched.

She didn't stop what she was doing. "I am doing the laundry as I am supposed to" she answered sarcastically.

"Get out" I yelled.

She laughed to herself. "You are not to give orders here. You knew that your time would come to an end, yes?" she raised one eyebrow mocking me. "When the lady of the house finally arrives I will take my revenge on you for being a spoiled brat" she spat. "Though I won't need to do anything, everyone talks about your transfer to "redhouse" at he end of this week. I will get rid of you sooner than I dreamed of." She snickered.

"Where is Dorothy?" I ignored her words.

"Downstairs preparing lunch for boss" he shrugged.

I jumped out of the bed, headed to bathroom to refresh myself. I looked like a trash. I splashed water to my face, brushed my teeth, combed my hair and put on my rob and went out of the room to find Dorothy. I walked on tiptoe to prevent any attention and approached the kitchen door which was opened ajar.

I heard two people talking. I guessed them to be Sal and Dorothy. When I was about to open the door I heard Dorothy's words.

"I hate that brat, always asking for this and for that. I am tired of her. If it wasn't for the money Damien has paid me I wouldn't stay with her more than a minute." she huffed.

"Yeah lucky us Damien got tired of her and found a noble wife for himself" said Sal.

"She will be transferred to the red house they say?" she questioned.

"Where else? All the ex-whores of boss ends up there. Anyway she's got nobody to lean on. Her father accepted the money Damien offered him and never searched for her daughter and his brother is another issue that Damien solved and the boy easily gave up on her. What a family. It is for her best to go to that whore house" as soon as Sal finished his words I ran to my room, tears blinding my way. When I finally reached my room I tumbled in my bed sobbing.

I hated them all. Damien, witch, Dorothy, Sal, my father, my brother and even my friend Katie.

Love never existed anymore. At least not for me.

---------------------------

Say Goodbye to It All

I sat on my chair looking out of the window watching birds flew by mocking me. I hardly ate anything that Dorothy brought though she never said anything about the leftovers on the tray, yet I still caught a glance of pity from her eyes not that I minded anymore. I believed all them to be fake since I heard her conversation with Sal the other day in the kitchen.

Damien never came to look for me as usual guessing he was busy with the wedding preparation.

I felt lost.

The more I tried to reason with myself to stay stable the more I realized it to be ridiculous. I didn't want to go anywhere else I would call home and for sure neither this place nor the whore house was sounded home to me. I felt weaker every passing day yet came to the same inevitable conclusion I crossed every time. My end.

After the fourth day nearing my transfer to that whore house which was still a rumor by the way, because nobody told me personally to pack up, I felt to urge to reveal the truth beneath it. I had to ask Damien. So I waited for him for hours to show up on the hallway and I listened every footsteps. Somehow his were differed from others just like how a boss walks around. When I sneaked outside the room he looked puzzled to see me standing there.

"Emily" he whispered.

I did not take his worried face in consideration and straightforwardly asked him the question in my mind.

"Will they take me to a whore house tomorrow?"

He cleared his throat before answering.

"Listen babe" he sighed.

I didn't want to listen but still I obeyed. Again.

"It is only for temporary, only for precautions. After the wedding and the honeymoon I will bring you back here." He said nonchalantly.

"Why don't you just set me free?" I pleaded for the last time.

"I don't want to and I can't" he sighed again.

"Okay" I nodded and turned back to go to my room but he stopped me holding my hand.

"Emily" he whispered. God I hated my name spilling from his lips.

I raised my eyebrows questioningly.

"Can I come in?"

I was losing another battle that no one cares, with one look at him and seeing the hurt in his eyes as if they meant something real, I felt drown to him one more time. But I didn't care for the honest words or lies his eyes told me at that moment. I just wanted to savour him for the last time.

I held his hand and pulled him inside my room.

We slowly stripped each others' clothes without separating eyes. We laid on the bed side by side. He caressed my face as if I was a porcelain doll. His doll face. I couldn't believe that in a short span of time he invaded my life, broke me, tamed me and claimed me. I stared at his handsome face. So beautiful and sharp. I put my trembling fingers on his forehead and slowly drew a line to his jaw. His piercing blue eyes were penetrating my soul.

After staring each other for a while he raised to his knees below my feet and grabbed one foot in his hand, started to kiss toe by toe. Then my ankle followed by my calf. I watched him kissing me inch by inch not able to prevent my tears to fall generously. He was worshiping my body. Every kiss sending me irresistible emotions that I could not define.

Once he finished his sacred ceremony of revering my body he leaned closer to my face holding himself on his elbows and began to kiss me with unruffled motions causing my heart to beat faster. This was not what I expected for tonight. It was more than f*cking, even more than making love. This was not just sex. It was for forgiveness. It was a goodbye from him shattering the remaining solid parts of my heart as if there was any left.

No tongues included in those kisses, making me more sensual than before. I wished him to slap me, beat me, fuck me, but this soulful act wounded me.

He slowly slid into me keeping up the same pace as he started, like a rhythm of a slow song until I screamed his name an came undone with blurred eyes because of my tears. He came with me groaning.

Then he left without a word, putting a final kiss on my forehead.

I didn't sleep all night. My body was weak from lack of nutrition and sleeplessness added another notch.

When the daylight sneaked through my window I dragged myself to the bathroom. I slid the glass doors of the shower and grabbed my razor. I tore it apart to retrieve the blade.

I sat on the tiled floor and brought the blade to my inner forearm and inscribed the letters patiently, ignoring the pain, the blood and the tears. I proceeded with the other arm following the same pursuit.

The blood flowed out the cuts shivering me cold at first, then a sudden warmness surrounded me, engulfing me into tranquility which once upon a time I found in my mothers arms. The light over my head started to dim. Then faded to black. I thanked God smiling.

-----------------------------------------

Alive in a Dead Body

Damien's POV

This union of two the Mafias to end a war that had been ongoing for three years, was getting on my nerves whenever I needed to work on the contract items.

The first obligation was to marry Sinigibsky's sister Natalia. She was my sidekick for a while, she was both a good f*ck and an informer to me. I guess when her brother found out about our affair, being a smart man as the Russian Mob he came to that conclusion which marriage would be the perfect solution for both sides, so that he would be saving his family, too because I had become a big threat for them lately.

This arrangement was beneficial for me either. I would have a new family and when I got rid of the brother I would become the ruler of two families.

After the wedding we were demanded to have a child to be raised as the heir of the family. So I started to f*ck her without protection a while ago so that I wouldn't have to worry about it later.

There was one more woman that I didn't use any condoms. And it crossed my mind that she might knocked up, too. If she was pregnant than I had to keep them away from Russians for their own safety.

Emily thought that I was sending her to redhouse to force her to become a whore. I couldn't stand the thought of some as*hole touching and f*cking her. I planned on taking her to the secure part of the house where I sometimes stay. However she didn't have to know those details. Fear was always the best tool to keep people ready to take orders, to obey you. I manipulated them with fear and it always worked with her. Eventhough I hated to see it in her eyes I did what I had to do.

The scream echoing from upstairs jerked me from my thoughts. Sal and I looked at each other for a second and ran out of my office to upstairs to find the source of the commotion.

Emily. It was coming from her room. I pushed the door wide open with my gun in my hand to finish off whomever dared to harm my woman.

Dorothy was standing frozen staring at the same spot on the bathroom floor. I shoved her and entered the bathroom. There was blood everywhere on the floor. There lied my angel, doll face lifeless. I wrapped my hands on her cold body and shouted for the doctor, I was not sure whether she was dead or not. I tried to hear her heartbeat but couldn't hear anything besides mine which was beating like a mad man's drum.

Doctor of the mansion arrived breathlessly obvious that he rushed too. He examined her difficultly because I held her to my chest tightly shaking and trying to wake her up. I was not aware of the tears falling from my eyes, until I saw my reflection through full length mirror hanging on the opposite wall. Doctor held my shoulder.

"She has lost a lot of blood. There is nothing I can cure here in the mansion. You should call 911 or take her to the hospital Damien, you hear me?" he strongly shook my arm.

I hurried out of the room and ran downstairs shouting my men to prepare my car and a driver.

When I scurried outside there was a SUV waiting, I hurriedly carry her to the car and we took off for the hospital.

It was blur to remember what happened after we reached the hospital. I never examined her body to find the reason of bleeding. When the paramedics were running her on a litter and asked about what caused her condition I simply gawked because I had no f*cking clue. Did she harmed herself or someone attacked her? I never thought about it when I brought her here. I just wanted to save her.

After they took her to ER I sat on a bench outside the room at the corridor and tried precisely to find out the facts of the events that occurred in my house which was more secure than the white house.

Sal came over and sat beside me handing me a coffee that tasted like sh*t but I drank it anyway.

"Do you have an idea what happened back there?" I asked.

"I think she tried to kill herself"

I gasped. "How come?"

"She was supposed to go your brothel today. She was terrified with it. She was a virgin before you brought her in the mansion, yes?" I nodded. "She is as innocent as the day she stepped into the house. Damien although you f*cked her p*ssy that doesn't mean that you should f*ck her brain too" I silently stared at him to continue with his theories.

"Well, when you brought her beforehand she hated you. Then you f*cked her used your charm or whatever sh*t you did, it worked. It was inevitable man." he raised his eyebrows to make me realize something he was talking about but my stare was blank as a white board.

"What the f*ck are you blabbering about?" I hissed.

"She is in love with you. And you're getting married with another woman that you f*cked as well, whilst you showered your dollface with "love". " he air quoted the last word. "And as a final straw you decided to send her to your brothel which she thought she'd be a whore for any men and you even went further and promised to bring her back as one of your mistresses"

I was flabbergasted. I f*cked her literally and metaphorically. I never considered things to become out of control. I had seen her at a bar, claimed her and made her mine. That was simple as a basic math equation.

I was raised to be the man I was now. When my father adopted me and saved me from that s*thole of a house called orphanage I was grateful for the scary big man and while he treated me like his own son I promised myself to do anything he ordered me and become anyone exactly he asked me to be.

While I grew up I was surrounded by men with guns on the belts and blood on their hands. Even before I reached my puberty I was taught that women are for men to use. They should oblige and serve us whenever wherever we want because of their anatomy, the way god created them they should aim to please men. I was never taught that women may need love. Love was something I felt when I torture an enemy or a scumbag, the love I knew was something that I felt when I first killed a man. I never received love from anybody and never expected it because I was not the one to define what it was in the first place, just appreciation and proud words. When I became a man enough to stick my c*ck I met with the feeling of lust and pleasure. Love didn't exist in my world. As my father interpreted "love was for the weak and the dumb"

So what I did to Emily was something as natural as eating a dinner for me. I never once in my life rejected by women. She was the first to defy me and acting like a spoiled brat who resisted my wishes, she made herself my trophy. A prize to be won. I never thought that my actions would effect her that much to end her life.

Yes it was different with her, whenever I f*cked her, I had this weird feeling lingered in my heart even after for hours I left her in the bed.

When she defied me in front of my workers on that particular day I clearly remembered the fury I felt. I needed to teach her a lesson not to disobey me again. I beat her. I hit her hard to cause her to pass out. I had done that before to my whores and never felt any remorse. But when I saw her laid on the litter in the infirmary of the mansion afterwards, I felt a stab in my heart and promised myself to never repeat the action again. She was more vulnerable than the other women I had.

I always tried to protect her in my f*cked up ways. I was aware that the minute I let her out, Russians would go after her for revenge even if she wouldn't mean anything for me. I bribed his as*hole of a father and provided enough drugs for her brother to pretend that she was concealed loss. Her friend though never gave up looking for her. I tried to persuade her so many times yet never succeeded to change her mind so I blackmailed her to kill Emily if she once more declares her to be investigated.

After that union sh*t brought up by the scumbag Russian I knew that the moment Emily comes to the light, she would be desired and asked to be shared by them. That was out of question, she was mine and mine only.

As I sat there deeply contemplating, a doctor emerged from ER and approached me whilst taking his gloves off.

"The patient in the ER is your relative?" he asked

"Yes" I stood up anticipatory.

"She cut her sleeves more than once. There were too many cuts on each arm. She lost a lot of blood, mostly %40 which is more than adequate to let the brain shut all her system at once. She died for two times during intervention and we managed to bring her back with electroshock. We are returning 8 units of blood to her. And unfortunately she lost her baby, too. She is still unconscious and I frankly cannot give you an exact time when her brain decides to wake her body up or must I say if it decides to wake it up ever." he was sad beyond, staring into my eyes to receive any reaction but I was speechless. She was still alive but in a dead body.

I nodded my head as if I absorbed all his words. "Can I see her now?"

"Yes, sure"

I followed him into a room where a nurse stood by her bed and checked on her vitals.

I coughed and the nurse quickly left the room when she realized my presence.

There laid my doll face, chords attached to her. Sleeves were covered with gauze. Why several cuts? She was too much desperate to leave me and my life so she cut herself more than once to make sure that she would die. I touched her cold fingers. I was exhausted and felt mortified with what I have done to her, to her life.

She was pregnant and now lost it, too. Did she know that when she committed suicide? That was something to be investigated later.

She was asleep and the time of the awakening was unknown. I didn't want to think about the possibility of her dying.

But it was still there in the open, that she might.

I signed all the necessary documents and paid the bills after I left her in the room sleeping. "Sleeping" I assured myself.

I made sure that she would be transferred to the best room available in the hospital and bribed the doctor to call me personally when her condition changes in any way.

I left the hospital in the hope of coming back to see her lively again. Meanwhile I had my wedding to attend to and a wife to knock up.

--------------------------

Wedding

Damien's POV

It was my wedding day. The one I pledged my loyalty to the woman I knew for a short time as my informer. She was dancing with his brother who was my rival from the start and they were having the time of their lives. I laughed inwardly knowing that this won't last long.

Natalie was a beautiful woman with long legs and blonde hair. Her breasts were small in comparison to Emily's which were fulling my palms satisfactorily. Her eyes were green but cold even when she smiled, it never reached her eyes. It might have been a consequence of growing up around a Russian mob. I didn't really care. All I think of was that, the woman dancing in her bride gown to be my key to my next conquer. And Emily. As I stared at the dancing couple visions of Emily were emerging out of nowhere. She, in a white gown her brown hair falling in curves to her waist, smiling genuinely, the light of her smile reaching up to her blues eyes brightening them with sparks. I was losing my mind and control of my severity. She was still asleep at that hospital while I was celebrating my marriage with that woman.

The feeling that I had was torturing me. It was seducing me with mortification. That girl was never supposed to be in that condition, she was supposed to have a simple life but thanks to me she was suffering a brain damage and the possibility that she could never survive was enough to send me to the edge of insanity but I still held on my composure, grinning widely to my approaching bride and his son of a b*th brother.

I held her hand up and kissed it while looking at her cold green eyes. "Let's dance" I announced never really meaning with my heart but still acted on.

When she was in my arms I closed my eyes and the vision came back. Her smile spreading all to her face lightning her adorable eyes, her pink lips curving upwards ready to be savored.

I pulled Natalie in my arms and buried my nose in the crook of her neck desperate to smell the only scent I was yearning for. Emily's. However the strong aroma of her perfume hit my nose. I pulled away unwittingly causing a furrow on her eyebrows. I smiled and swirled her around for a couple of times to get rid of the suspicion caused by my sudden action.

When the song was over I retrieved to my place and left her with her relatives.

I shot couple of drinks to calm myself.

My right hand man Sal was doing the same thing, beclouding himself within my misery.

I turned and gazed at him. He straightened himself and began to slur, blaming the shots he had I gave him my full attention and listened to him.

"If I were you, I would never ever marry that slut to defeat Russians, instead I would marry the one I love most, the one I find peace and tranquility. The war between the families never ends but the love you hold in your hands slips away so quickly that you never succeed to secure it there. I am sorry for you man. Frankly. I only feel sorry for you. I wish I could have done something to prevent this masquerade. " He shot another drink after his words.

I shoved him off with rage.

"You are not me!" I huffed.

He laughed at my face. "I am glad that I am not"

That night I never found peace in anything. Even fucking the Russian slut didn't ease my annoyance.

It had been 4 f*cking weeks since she was sleeping. I never revisit her after I left the hospital that dreadful morning. I missed her like crazy. The idea of her giving up on her life and never coming back to me only infuriated me to the maximum to destroy everything on my way.

Natalie was one of them always crossing me, demanding things and asking for interest. Whenever I pushed her away she became more bitchy than ever. The maids hated her. I could see that in their eyes. I knew that they were comparing her to my dollface and she was winning the competitions yet she was not here to celebrate. Even the maid she used to call "witch" was whining about my baby's whereabouts. They were all informed that Emily was living in one of my brothels at the moment and they were all frustrated about it eventhough while she was here in the mansion they treated her as sh*t. Go figure what was Natalie like to them.

Once we were back from our honey/torture moon Natalie embraced all house issues by heart leaving me with my sanity for a while but then everything started to change dramatically. Her relatives filled the house unannounced, staying over and using all the futility in the house. I was exhausted from this commotions. I missed my days laying on my dollface's stomach silently.

And I needed peace to put my mind in business, that was to plan the death of Nicolia Sibinisgsky.

I was heading to my office to find a kind of serenity when my phone went off. I looked at the number to see Doctor's name on the screen. I answered immediately.

"Mr. Carneglia, I call to inform you that our patient has finally opened her eyes."

"Huh?" I was shocked by his words but I composed myself soon.

"I am coming over" I ended the call as I scurried to the door.

I stopped by Natalie's shrieking voice.

"Damien where are you going?"

I didn't have second to spend on that woman so I ignored her question and headed out to my car and sped off to the hospital to finally see my angel's eyes open.

When I reached her room I opened the door loudly only to cause the nurse and the doctor flinch. I ignored them and approached my angel in the bed. She looked fragile and weak but still beautiful.

I slowly caressed her face. She turned her face to me and looked in to my eyes curiously.

And then she asked the question wrecked my world in that instant.

"Who are you?"

-------------------------------------------

Reunion of Strangers

I pulled the doctor by the collar of his scrubs and slammed him to the wall when we got out the room.

"What the f*ck had happened to her?" I whisper yelled at him.

He tried to push me away with fear in his eyes. I knew that choking him to death wouldn't give me my answers so I let him go.

Once he found his balance on his feet he cleared his throat.

"Sometimes when the brain is out for a quite time it is ineluctable to suffer damage on some specific parts of it. Paralyzed legs or body, losing the ability to talk and sometimes memory loss. I cannot predict it to be temporary or for a lifetime. We will need to the some tests and take an MRI scan of the brain." he finished his words with a frustrated sigh.

What should I do now? My mind was empty, no evil games or sadistic ideas entered my head.

She didn't remember anything. Even when the doctor asked her name she looked so blankly that I wanted to shake her and remind her who she was.

She said "Who are you?" to me. All these weeks I've been dreaming this reunion to be unique. What I dreamed of was her happiness reflecting from her eyes, grateful tears spilling freely when she sees me and jumps up to my arms hugging me tight. I would take her to the mansion back and savor her body all night long.

She was so lost, her eyeballs turning frantically from me to doctor then to nurse.

"What is your name dear?"

"I don't know"

"What year are we in?"

Looking for a clue, her eyes begging for help from those three people apparently she doesn't recognize to be familiar with she whispered. "I don't know"

All her answers were the same. And the more questions popped out the more she seemed terrified and buried deep down in the haze.

I couldn't take her to the mansion in this state of mind. Natalie and her family would harm her at the earliest opportunity. Any brothel was out of consideration now, since she had no clue of what I did for a living or who I was. I had no intention to change it yet.

There was only one option left and it made me uneasy. Penthouse. It was on the other side of the town and at the center where there was always busy traffic and social life was alive. The risk of taking her there would bring the responsibility of securing her from all kinds of outer effects of life that was socializing which meant the possibility of drifting her away from me willingly. That was something I could not accept. I was sitting on the bench outside of her room in the hallway, my head was in my hands I was fighting the urge to pull my hair.

Sal walked through the entrance of the corridor and crouched beside me.

"Hey. Don't go so hard on yourself" he said.

I stared at his green eyes and huffed.

"Where am I supposed to take her in this condition huh?" I asked annoyed.

"What is wrong with the penthouse man?"

"Too dangerous." I cut him off.

"C'mon it is not. You have a full security system there and you may add more guards on her doorstep if you'd like"

"What about if she asks to go outside to explore the life she never remembers?"

"You let her go." he shrugged.

"What if she doesn't want to come back once she realizes what a fucked up life I provide to her?"

"Listen listen" he tried to calm me although my anxieties were running wild.

"You will have a brand new start with her. Do you see how lucky you are? You will treat her good this time, really good like a loving man and have your time of your life. Meanwhile we will take care of that Russians. After we are finished with them you can take her back to the mansion, by that time she will be head over heels in love with you to overlook who you really are in person and do for a living"

How I wished to believe him. Although it did not sit well in my mind I agreed with his plan.

**********

After departing the hospital, we headed to the penthouse. She seemed timid. Like a jungle girl, experiencing the civilization for the first time in her life.

The test results proved that retrograde amnesia was followed by her brain injury, could be either short term or long term. We are told that she was more likely to remember general knowledge rather than specifics. Recent memories are less likely to be recovered, but older memories will be easier to recall due to strengthening over time. She was happy to hear those promising words and was too much eager to remember her past.

I was on alert to avoid any questions regarding her recent life and relationship with me and gladly she was more likely interested in her childhood and her family's whereabouts than me.

Lying to her would be a solution until she finds out the truth herself and apparently this would make things more complicated.

I assured her to give her answers when we got back home. I decided to give three answers each day to temporize the recovery and extend the process of regaining memory cause it was only 'time' I needed at the moment to win the love I desired to receive from her. I persuaded her agreeing to my decision on limiting the questionnaire, explaining that she should digest everything slowly unless she wanted to go mad because of all the information she perceives.

That saved the situation for now.

Sal had arranged everything in the house, it had been a long time since I had come to the place. When we entered a female touch could be figured soon, when I stared at Sal questioningly, he just shrugged. "She needs to feel home, this sh*t hole is more like a f*ck house for a bachelor not for a beautiful damsel in distress." he winked at me. I couldn't help but laughed at him. He was such a manipulative bastard and I knew that he had a soft spot for Emily from the first time I brought her here.

Sal escorted her settling, though she didn't need to do much since Sal hired a maid and a cook for her.

I examined my house which I hosted many wild parties when I was younger and was astonished to see the change.

My leather couch was covered with different kind of cushions, my white carpets were renewed with some colorful shit, even the windows had some kind of flowery curtains I could not put a name on. I was a male for f*cks sake and I knew no sh*t about furniture. I needed something manly soon. I considered going back to mansion and f*cking Natalie because I didn't want to waste my seed to any whore since the contract stated that the heir was expected to seal the deal between two families. To gain the respect of Russians before I destroy them, I needed that son.

I left the building aiming to have some fun with my wife but unfortunately I drove straight to my office which I rarely visited after I received a phone call from one of my assistants at my business company, which I use as a screen for my illegal acts.

As soon as I reached my office at the top of the building I came across with a face I didn't expect and wish to see.

"Hi Katie" I scolded coldly.

"Hi Damien. I need to talk to Emily." she stood decisively which made me laugh.

"Really? May I have the reason please?" I sarcastically asked. There was no way that I would bring these two women together after that memory loss incident.

"Damien you don't understand, she's got nobody in this city and I am sure she is scared. You don't know the effect you have on her. She is afraid of you. She was constantly repeating her fear for you to kill her. Please don't torture her. Let her go" she begged.

I was standing by the glass doors of my office, Sibinisky and his two men were waiting inside. She was pushing the limits of my patience.

I glared at her and stopped her blabbering with my hand up in the air.

"I will talk to you about her later. Now is not a good time, yes?" She nodded when she glanced inside the glass doors she assimilated my words.

"When?" she asked hesitantly.

I waved my hand to her showing my phone.

"I'll let you know"

I honestly didn't plan on anything about Katie and Emily's interaction. She might be good for the past memories so that Emily would be kept away from the recent unpleasant ones that involved me.

I entered my office with a fake smile and saluted the enemy.

------------------------------

Blank

I lost the fight with my thoughts to find who really I am. So I shuffled myself to the living room and stood by the window which was from floor to the ceiling embracing whole city in front of me. Two hands wrapped around my waist, a nose snuggling my neck startled me from my daydream.

"How are you?" a husky voice awakened me from my thoughts.

"Fine" I tried to smile.

I was lost. I didn't know who I was and never had the balls to ask the person behind me who he was to me but I sidled him more closing the distance between our bodies.

"Why am I here?" I asked

I sensed him stiffened behind me and distanced himself from my body leaving me without his warm embrace.

"Babe, you're here because, before I lost you you were mine and I hope that you will be again. Sooner you heal the faster we bond imminently. And you have only two more questions left for the day" I sensed him snickered.

"I am fine. My arms don't bother me, what I am scared of is my mind. What if I tried to kill myself because of something I did or maybe you did something horrible to me?" My eyes filled with tears.

"No no no. Neither you nor I did anything horrible. Please leave those ridiculous suspicions aside." He soothed me. I turned around and faced him. His eyes were filled with worry.

"Did-did you love me?" I whispered trying to hide my flushed red face with my hair down.

He inhaled slowly and lifted my face by my chin and stared into my eyes as if he was searching for an answer.

"We were not there yet. I've only known you for a couple of months before you committed suicide."

"How come I moved in with you after a short time then?" I asked. That didn't make any sense. Was I that kind of a woman who easily gives herself to the first guy who shows any interest in her? I didn't feel like it though.

"You already reached your quota of questions for today and it is not even noon" he laughed.

I smiled in disappointment because he refrained from answering my questions hiding behind a stupid reasoning which was to keep my sanity however it was already gone. I needed answers to heal, to remember and to become myself again. This house didn't remind me of anything nor the bodyguards outside. Only the guy named Sal and Damien resembled something familiar but I still couldn't put a name on it. I drifted away from him and sat on the couch, took the remote and began to watch some silly shows on TV.

I heard him shuffling and humming. Soon he left me alone with my questions.

A maid came in asking whether I wanted anything before giving me my medicine. I had a handful of pills three times a day which were supposed to help my brain recover and some painkillers for my arms.

The doctor said that I have incised a lot of carves on my arms. I haven't seen them yet because of the gauze covering my arms which he suggested to keep for a while due to the fact that I might be terrified since they were ugly to look and I was weak to have an esthetic operation to fix the scars.

Why did I carve my arms? I was curious but afraid to find out at the same time. The nurse once told me that it looked like I tried to write something on my sleeves but the stitches she was dressing at that moment hindered the letters to be clearly read. Maybe I didn't commit suicide, maybe it was just a cry for help, maybe the letters that I carved were the hints of my reason to do it.

That was it. I was fed up with my fears. I needed to know. I stood up and left the room in search for scissors to clarify the mystery. As soon as I entered the kitchen the made jumped off the chair she was sitting on.

"Oh! I am sorry I didn't mean to startle you. Please sit down" I said assuring her to return to whatever she was doing before.

"May I help you ma'am?" her accent was a little sharp.

"You are not from here?" I stated.

"No ma'am I am half Russian" she answered meekly.

"Ok. I was looking for some scissors or anything that is sharp enough" I searched the drawers and cabinets for a kit. Knife wouldn't do it cause I might cut the scars which would earn me long boring lectures from Damien and doctor.

"I am sorry but I cannot provide you that" she said firmly this time.

I was surprised by the change on her demeanor.

"Listen I don't have time to argue with you right now. I need the scissors to get rid of these gauze okay?" I sighed impatiently.

"No. I cannot give you anything sharp" she shook her head stubbornly.

I was about to lose my temper. "Listen to me" I said through my greeted teeth.

"Give me the damn scissors. I want to free my arms, they are not wounded anymore so there is no harm on opening them, see?" I tried to reason with her moving my arms up and down but the gaze she's held told me otherwise so I gave up the useless fight and turned back to my room to have a nap.

*********

I was running down a hill arms open wide to the person who crouched down and laughing.

"Yaaaaay" I screamed happily still running towards the man's arms. There was a woman beside him who was laughing as well. The sun was shining too bright behind her head and darkening her figure for me to examine her.

Then I begin to feel tired, too tired to run even walk anymore, my knees were weakening, all my strength was drained from my body. Everything started to turn black and dark. The man and the woman receded slowly leaving me alone in the middle of nowhere.

I started to scream and held my hand towards them to catch and avert their disappearance.

But I couldn't. I cried loudly and screamed again and again.

*************

I woke up from my nap and found myself sobbing. I looked around the dark room I was sleeping in. It was a nightmare. My heart was fluttering. I got up and left the room. When I entered the living room the ground lights were on emitting a soft light. The city was alive behind the window. The maid was nowhere to be seen.

This was how my life was before? Was I always by myself alone waiting for Damien to show up? The doctor told me that I was 20 so that meant I finished high school. What about college? If I've only met Damien a couple of months ago, then how did I earn my life? Was I rich as Damien is or did I work somewhere? Whatever I did with my life I certainly must have had friends.

But if I had friends why didn't they try to contact with me?

I decided to dig this out from Damien as soon as he arrives home.

------------------------------

Up in the Clouds

I was alone again. The maid has just left the house for grocery shopping. I was not even allowed to go for shopping. I was a prisoner here at the top floor of a luxuries building only permitted to watch people that were size of ants from above or observe the sky from the window which was covering the entire wall from floor to the ceiling that seemed to be creepy considering the height of the building.

I couldn't decipher the reasons behind Damien's insistence to keep me here and not letting me go out to search for my life myself. I sensed and recognized that him and me were not close since he mentioned that there were not love between us, we were not at that stage before I committed suicide. So why was there the need and tendency to force a relationship that you hardly describe it as one because of his absence. He never stayed with me at nights only visited for a few hours before dinner and always found an excuse to leave me alone after small talk mostly consisted of my questions and his unsatisfactorily short answers.

I was not concerned about my past not as much as I feared and worried about finding his ulterior motives behind my presence in Damien's life. He obviously was not a worker with a proper job, the bodyguards outside the door and all the luxury he's been living in proved total opposite. And his hectoring expression while talking made everybody around abstain from him. Anyhow he was dangerously beautiful for a man at his age and position. His piercing blue eyes always drilled my insides with an undefined feeling.

I looked up the clock above the TV set. It was 5. Damien's appearance was about to impend.

I heard the door opened fifteen minutes later. I was still in my sweatpants and a large t shirt without bras because it was useless to try to look decent when my mind was disheveled.

Damien approached behind me as he usually did, wrapped his arms around my waist and sniffed my hair and then rained small kisses on my neck which caused me to shiver.

"Hmm" I moaned with his delicious kisses. He pulled me closer until our bodies glued to each other. We stayed like that until somebody barge in the room. Our heads turned to see the intruder in sync only to find the maid standing by the door her head bowed down as an excuse.

"Get out" Damien barked.

She hurriedly turned to leave however she didn't hesitate to glimpse at me with a hint of malice in her eyes which I was unable to understand.

Damien held my hand and sat on the couch pulling me with him and I fell on his lap side ways. A giggle escaped my mouth and turned my head to see him smiling at me.

His blue irises flickered to my lips and my breathing turned heavy as I realized what he was about to do. I wanted to stop him but I couldn't. Everything in my body was screaming for him so I closed my eyes and felt his warm lips on mine. Sparks shot through my body as he deepened the kiss lightly tracing my lower lip with his tongue so that I eventually opened my mouth to let him in. He groaned and his kiss became harder. Before I realized what was going on Damien broke the kiss, removed me from his lap and placed me on the couch near him, breathing slowly as nothing had happened, however his lips were swollen proving the previous moments' authenticity. Then he raised up and smiled at me showing his straight white teeth making my heart skip.

"Where are you going?" I muttered.

"I just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing" he sighed

It was impossible to read any emotion from his expression. I was sick of this come and go's. So I stood up to meet him at the door and stopped him by grabbing his arm. He looked at his arm with indifference first then he glared at me as if I was committing a crime.

"Damien" I couldn't stop my voice to be shaken yet I continued to speak. "I want to know why I am here alone? Where's my family? Why don't they try to get in touch with me? What about my friends? What happened to me Damien? I am begging you to tell me something about myself and my life before, why do you need this secrecy? Why is it so important for you to keep me here unreachable?" I pleaded him with my eyes and with my words and released his arm.

He held my face between his hands and gazed at me deeply, intensely.

"Your family don't live here. You moved to the city for college and your home town is nearly across the country. The reason they're not getting in touch with you is that I never let them know about your incident which I believe would've devastated them as soon as they found out. I am trying to protect you here and let you recover before you interact with anybody from your past.It is healthier this way."

My eyes filled with tears which I blinked away to refrain from crying. He was still holding my face.

"I need to see a psychiatrist." I blurted. I was hopeless to get some help from anyone and at that instant a professional support seemed more reasonable than anything, anyone because Damien was not helping me much, for sure.

He sighed and removed his hands from face which suddenly felt cold without his touch.

"We'll see" he said and turned away once again to leave me behind in my misery.

"Why don't you ever stay with me? Isn't this your house? Where do you stay every night if not in your own home?" I was dying for the answers.

"It is complicated and I cannot give you any answers for now, there is a time for everything. OK?" I nodded with despair, unable to stop my tears from falling this time. He slowly wiped my tears and huffed.

"How about I take yo to your family?" he asked. I raised my head and looked in his eyes with astonishment.

"Really?" I beamed at him.

He laughed and hugged me. "Yes dollface yes." he stiffened all of a sudden leaving me perplexed. He never called me dollface before and saying it made him uncomfortable.

"When?" I squeaked ignoring his change in attitude.

"This weekend is fine with you?" he asked.

I jumped up and down like a kid clapping my hands.

"Okay okay calm down and try to get some rest. I will let you know the details of our travel later. In the meantime promise me not to ponder over everything. Deal?" he said in a scolding tone as if he was my father.

I wouldn't let his mood changes effect my excitement so I nodded once again.

For the third time that evening he attempted to leave and this time managed without my interference. I wouldn't give a damn about it for I was happy and up in the clouds.

--------------------------------

Carved

It's been 3 days since Damien kissed me and went MIA. I should've known better that he wouldn't have kept his promises. I was depressed to death. If he was treating me like this before my suicide attempt it was easy to guess why I did it. I was bored, sulking and I felt like drowning into the depths of darkness. As if the whole universe became a black hole and swirling me into it. The meaning of living has lost its spark and the trust I had for the joy of being alive has diminished.

I needed to find something to get rid of those awful ideas and occupy myself with any kind of distraction. So, with this new found motivation and fear to lose my mind I got up from the bed to perform my daily routine in the bathroom before I headed to the hallway and started to explore the house in order to find some sort of entertainment.

It was silent except the cutlery's sharp sounds coming from kitchen. The Russian maid was preparing food for me and for the poor bodyguards standing outside the door, in my opinion aimlessly, contrary to Damien's precautions in regard to his paranoid ideas of me being kidnapped or my tryouts of ending my life again. I interrogated the poor lass a few times to learn about the nature of this community that I was in at the moment, which I presume to be a gang or mafia, she always managed to evade my questions and stood aloof.

The house had 3 bedrooms including mine, all of them were decorated simple and plain mostly in cream and white. There was a room for work out which made me to size up my body in the mirror covering the whole wall of the room and I decided to give gym a chance. After an hour on treadmill and air walk, somehow I was filled with serotonin so that I regained my will to live, I left to my room to take a shower.

I hated taking showers since I was discharged from the hospital because of the gauze wrapping my forearms. Every once in a couple of days the maid accompanying me changed them without a trace of expression on her face and refused to show me how it looks while wrapping the material by turning my arms upside down. Whenever I wanted to take a bath or shower I put them in plastic wraps to prevent soaking.

I was very sweaty after my exercise and was about to enter my room when I heard the front door was opened.

My heart fluttered with the idea of seeing Damien, instead Sal was standing by the door his arms wide open waiting for me to hug him. After my arrival to this house Sal became a constant in my life, always trying to lighten up the air, talking about insignificant topics and mostly making me smile at his silly jokes. He was older than Damien and bulkier, if I hadn't known his human side I surely would have scared for my life.

I walked towards him and smiled.

"Hello gorgeous" he said with questioning eyes.

"Hi Sal. I just explored the gym and gave it a try." I satisfied his curiosity.

"I brought a couple of things for you" he showed the bags on the floor. I hurriedly lifted the bags and checked insides. There were books and DVDs. I jumped on his arms and hugged him tightly.

"Sal thank you thank you. You wouldn't know how happy you made me at the moment." He chuckled and hugged me back bending a little down in order to reach my height. I didn't seem petty in the mirror and I was taller than the maid but Sal was huge so I looked like a puppy beside him.

At one of my sulking days, I whined Sal about my boring life and asked him whether reading books or watching movies would be forbidden. Despite my suspicions that Damien wouldn't let him, he brought many of them and I was grateful.

"Hey listen why don't you go take your shower and meet me in the living room". Then he barked to the maid. "Vera where the hell are you? Come get the bags and prepare some junk food for us" he turned to me smiling mischievously "We have a lot to watch and read, yes?" he winked.

I beamed and skipped to my room like a child. While I was preparing my clothes to wear after shower, I examined my arms. I really wanted to get rid of the gauze. I forced to rip them, pull to loosen a bit but it was useless.

So I scurried to living room to ask Sal to remove them. Sal stared at me surprised.

"Sal I want to take off the gauze. My arms are not harmed anymore and it has become a torture to take a shower with these on my arms" I said pleadingly.

He hesitated and mumbled something that I couldn't understand. I looked him in the eye.

He exhaled loudly "Whatever, we can't escape from the consequences forever." He pulled a jackknife from his back pocket and beckoned me. I nearly sprinted to him and held my arms forward excitedly.

He teared the gauze careful not to touch the tip of the knife to my skin and skimped the fabric from my right arm. I turned my elbow up and gawked at the sight. There were hyphens which were illegible to form a rational outcome. The scratches were deep red and bulged slightly. I traced the lines with my fingertip. When Sal finished to tear the second gauze I immediately looked inside of my forearm. The lines were less complex in comparison to the ones on my right arm and more readable. I succeeded to form the lines to letters one by one.

D

A

M

I

E

N

I gaped at my arm and then Sal I was stupefied and speechless.

"Sal" I whispered. He glanced away and hissed "F*ck"

My eyes were filled with tears that I couldn't hold back. I checked the carves on my right arm once again through my blurred vision. They were similar to the ones on the left arm. I carved his name on my arms.

"Why?" Sal avoided my question and stood up. "Sal!" I yelled when he attempted to leave the room. He turned around and looked at me with pity. He stroked his face with his hands roughly.

"Gorgeous listen. I don't know the reason why you inscribed his name on your arms but I know one thing for sure that you fell in love with him before you committed suicide. I cannot totally admit that the reason you did this to yourself might be Damien, though I am aware that most of the things he's done, hurt you. A lot."

I was in love with him. How did I fall in love with him in a very short span of time?

I loved him too much to carve his name on my arms and my love has become too heavy to carry in my heart so I chose to die. Why did I want to leave marks of him on my body? His name.

Did I want to take a piece of him with me, any piece to remind me of him because he never consented to give while I was alive?

I gave up for him as a result of the things he put me through. What did he do to me?

Sal chuckled interrupting my thoughts "I guess I must say my farewell to you because I don't think I will survive after this confession"

I stood up from the couch and reached for his hand. I was grateful that he was in my life and couldn't stand the thought that Damien might hurt him even kill him because of me.

"I promise" I whispered. "I will never tell."

He nodded solemnly and kissed my forehead. I pulled him to the couch and smiled at him.

"We have a movie marathon. Remember!" I nudged his arm playfully. "Besides we wouldn't want him to suspect anything, no? I mimicked him. "If you leave now he will ask you the reasons for your change of plans."

He raised his eyebrows astonishingly and laughed.

"You are right!" he tapped his knee. I snuggled to him and looked up to meet his green eyes.

"Sal"

"Yes?"

"Thank you"

He nodded indulgently. His green eyes sparkling different from his normal light.

"Always gorgeous always"

----------------------------------------

Promises to Keep Promises

"Arrggh" "I don't understand these women. How can she be so stupid? The guy loves her surely how can she not see it?"

Sal and I were still watching movies. We finished an action movie and tried horror which I began to writhe in dread after ten minutes so we switched to a romance. But this one was getting on my nerves because the girl was a dumb and not even pretty.

Sal laughed at my comment. "Don't believe in those stories gorgeous. Most men are incapable of love trust me. They only think with their second heads." I looked at him in confusion.

"Don't look at me like that you perfectly know what I mean. Groins yes?"

"What about them?" I challenged hiding my smile and continued to play the naive girl.

"You know when we.. I mean men see a piece of flesh, like you know all the blood goes to the groin. yes?" Oh my god that was hilarious to witness a giant man struggling to explain the sexual structure and the functioning of men. So I encouraged him to go on. I was so bored I needed some fun.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Hmm.. When - when the down.." He put his hand up like he was surrendering and contemplated for his next words. "Let me tell you this with an example." He inhaled.

"You see let's think for a minute that the body of a man is a country. There's north and south."

"West and east?" I interrupted giggling inside my head.

"Yeah yeah east and west but they are irrelevant right now." he shook off. "Let's say that north rules this country or he thinks so but the south the manipulative betraying bastard always holds the strings in his hands. Anyway, whenever a trade comes in to negotiation with another country here I refer to female body, south pulls in the strings and deprives the north quickly from taking any decisions in cases especially if the negotiator is very appealing. And then south bargains on the conditions. North loses his ability to function. And gorgeous" he sighed "the heart is located in the north" He grinned satisfied with his funny story explaining the men's anatomy.

"So you call your penis bastard?" I asked blinking my eyes couple of times to add effect for my theatrical approach.

"Is that what you get from all that legendary story I told you?" Oh my god I hit his nerves and couldn't hold my laughter any more so I burst out.

I was laughing so loudly to an irritated Sal that I didn't hear the door opening and see Damien entering the living room. When I wiped my tears I looked up to see a furious glare from him, his fists clenched by his sides, fuming man. I immediately stopped and straightened myself on the couch where I was slightly leaned out to Sal.

"What are you doing here Sal?" he asked without removing his eyes from me.

"As usual I am here to entertain our little princess." Sal shrugged and stood up to leave the room.

Damien trotted to where I sat and stoop over me still looking angry.

"W- hy a-re you m- mad?" I whisper stuttered.

He raised his hand and I flinched. He ran his hand through his hair and slide back to his side and I flinched again with his movement. He put his hands on the head of the couch at each side of my head and I flinched again not even able to look at him but still feeling his gaze on me. He slowly put his hand on my face and wiped a teardrop that I was unaware that I shed.

"Are you scared of me dollface?" he said calmly

"N-No?" I couldn't control my voice shaking and stop stuttering. The proximity of his body over me was not helping the situation either.

"No? So why are you shaking and whispering?"

"Y-you intimidated me when you came. Why are you mad? Did I do something wrong?" I asked trying to speak normally.

"Your arms" he huffed. "Why are they uncovered?" His eyes traveled down my face to my arms which were revealing the letters clearly.

I hide them with my hands but he pulled them away and continued to observe my arms.

"Dollface" he whispered.

"Did you know that I carved your name?" I asked

"Yeah. I saw them at the hospital." he paused and touched his forehead to mine. "I am sorry dollface" he closed his eyes before I could catch the softening look.

"Damien, why are you apologizing for? Did you harm me in any possible way? Why would someone does that to her body?" I now couldn't hold my tears. I covered my eyes with my palms to stop them but it didn't help.

"Let's not talk about it now babe" he exhaled slowly fanning my face with his breath smelling smoke and mint.

"When do we ever talk about anything Damien?" I asked feeling vulnerable and defeated.

As if he sensed the hurt in my voice he opened his eyes and looked straight in my eyes hypnotizing me. His blue orbs changed into a deeper blue I never saw before.

Before I recognized what he was doing I was lifted from the couch and carried to my room. When we entered he slowly put me on the bed and laid down beside me. We stayed for a while face to face exchanging glances. Then he lightly caressed my face,slipped his hand on my cheek, gently stroking it with his fingers and got closer with each breath he took. My hands became sweaty, my breathing quickened. I slightly parted my lips and licked them. He pulled me closer and turned me on my back and hovered me then he started kissing me passionately. Every inch of his body was touching mine and it drove me crazy I put my hands on his shoulders bravely and roamed his back feeling every muscle twitching with my touch. He groaned in my mouth sending hot waves down my core when I tugged his silky hair. Hi bit my lower lip and forced his tongue in my mouth without a warning and I let him invade me. He pulled away and buried his head on my neck, licking sucking nibbling, he bit my earlobe lightly causing me to moan, my p*ssy was drenched and I started to grind myself shamelessly to his growing member. He slided my t-shirt over my head and quickly got rid off his shirt too. I admired his toned chest and I slowly ran my hand over his soft skin downwards, until I reached his trimmed hair starting from his bellybutton to his groin. I caressed it on a straight line till my hands got inside the waistline of his boxers. He snarled and stopped me by holding my hand and took the control from me with a swift move and remove my sweatpants together with my panties. When his hand touched my p*ssy I curled the sheets in my fists arching my back.

His finger found my clit and started rubbing it lightly back and forth making me moan into his mouth encouraging him to go on. He plunged his finger inside and let out a growl in approval as my wetness covered it. He kept his hand in steady rhythm building a deep pressure within me begging to explode. I was in my own euphoria to recognize that he removed his boxers. I pulled him to my body chest to chest, my soft plump breasts pressing to his hard chest, my hard nipples rubbing his muscles. I spread my legs further desperately for any contact from him.

He sensed my need and pushed his already positioned length into my entrance and invaded my p*ssy gloriously bringing me close to my orgasm immediately. He lifted my Iegs by the knees and threw them over his shoulders to penetrate deeper inside me causing the tip of his length to rub a certain point each time he thrusted, I gasped sensing the unfamiliar pressure building in and moaned with each thrust until I couldn't keep my body in control anymore. I cried out my pleasure and opened my eyes lazily looking straight into his blue orbs filled with lust. My inner walls clenched tightly around his c*ck, he closed his eyes and with a final thrust he found his release in me. He slowly removed his body and laid back he pulled me in his warm embrace and kissed the top of my head. I was breathless. If the sex was that much amazing I wouldn't wonder how I ever fell for him. It was written all over his body to be worshiped.

he shifted again and took a shaky breath and laid a hand on my bare breast.

his breathing evened out his arm slackened behind me. He finally fell asleep.

I looked at his calm relaxed sleeping form and smiled. I was hopeful to get some answers when he wakes up. Or so I thought.

*********

There were feather light kisses on my face moving down to my neck. I groaned slightly from the pleasure eliciting from these spots. I squinted my eyes and saw Damien's handsome face over mine. His lips hovered mine and then started kissing me passionately. I responded every kiss he gave me. He rained over me and I was soaked with desire. Without hesitation or any warning he entered my core, we both gasped while my p*ssy began to adjust his size.

"You are so tight" he murmured while kissing my neck I moaned. Then he started his pumping fast and hard leaving me breathless. His muscles on his neck were strained and looking sexy as hell as his head was on my shoulder. All of a sudden his finger started to rub my cl*t, making the sensation overbearing and running all my blood to that specific point. I cried out his name in pleasure and soon after me he sprayed his come inside my womb.

He pulled away gently and I winced when his d*ck came out with a plop.

We laid on our backs for a few minutes. I waited patiently for him to speak.

He cleared his throat.

"There has been a change of plans about the vacation to your family's. I am sorry that I couldn't keep my promise but trust me I had good reasons. There were some complications that are business related so that I had to postpone the visit. But we can go some other time. I will try to organize my schedule and let you know"

I felt like I was in a business meeting as if we didn't f*cked ten minutes ago.

I turned my body to his side bringing my hands together under my cheek.

"I want to go soon" I declared trying to control my voice rather not to anger him at that moment because I was afraid to lose my chance to see my family.

He opened his mouth to object but I was quicker so I stopped him with my words.

"Damien please try to empathize with me. I really need my past to figure out who I am. I don't want to be nobody"

"You're not nobody. You are my dollface." He whispered tenderly.

"Am I yours as well like a possession?"

"Yes. You are mine but like a passion" he winked mischievously.

"Do you always reject the wishes of the ones who belong to you?"

He turned his face to mine too close for my comfort but I didn't mind because I liked the proximity at that moment more than anything.

"Dollface" he paused "Dollface" he sounded like he was whispering to himself while his eyes roaming my face intensely.

He pulled away suddenly and laid back again.

"I will do the best I can babe, I promise" when I was about to shut him up with my objections he raised his finger and continued.

"I promise to keep my promise this time"

-----------------------------

Hope Again

I cannot stop it. It's raining cats and dogs. Storm is getting stronger. But the car is speeding up. Faster and faster. I am shouting to somebody. It's a him. I am fighting with him, no jostling. He is trying to calm me down but I am like the storm.

I cannot stop it.

There is a tree slicing the car in the middle and a branch has come through the windshield stuck to his head. Eyes all open and dull. I scream and scream into the dark.

There comes a man out of nowhere. He is getting bigger with each step like a giant stooping over me with sadness and hatred in his eyes. He starts to shout at me. "You killed her. You killed my life" I look at the boy sitting dead in the car. I am terrified. Who is she he is shouting about?

Sirens. Sirens and heavy rain. Heavier than the rocks beating my shoulders, slapping my face.

Two of them in a row.

"You killed them."

I woke up trembling and sobbing. I observed my surroundings and remembered where I was. I laid back upright and adjusted my eyes to the dark. That was hell of a nightmare so far the most vivid and lucid one.

Then all of a sudden it hit me like a hammer in the head. Ryan. Ryan was dead. My mom was dead. My dad was angry with me. Oh my God I killed them. But why did I do it? The panic and the angst I was feeling for myself began to rise like a bile until it reached my throat urging me to throw up. I ran to the bathroom and puked till I dry heave. I sat on the floor next to toilet for a while. Despite the fact that I was terrified with the reality that I killed my boyfriend and my mom, I feel relieved that I remembered something from my past, even the things which rushed to my mind were not the most pleasantry ones.

I stood up and checked the time on the wall across the room. Six in the morning. I have got nothing better to do than sleeping. I went back to bed. As I laid down the reminiscence of my childhood kept rushing back with crystal clear images. With every vivid memory, my heart filled with joy and happiness.

Those days. Flying a kite at the park near our neighborhood, eating icecream with mint and vanilla. My brother. Ethan. The handsome boy all the girls drooled, carrying me over his shoulder to our home -'our home' that made me yearning for it - while I yelled at him to put me down. Laughing. Laughing out loud.

Mom. Cooking dinner. Looking at us in disapproval yet still amused deeply with this parade going on. She was beautiful, with blue eyes and light brown hair which was tied in a ponytail, just like mine. I was the replica.

I couldn't stop my tears from falling. With each memory, I shed tears more and more.

***********

It was nearly afternoon when I woke up for the second time that day.

I headed to kitchen for water. Vera and Sergio who was one of my bodyguards were sitting on the counter across each other and chatting in a low voice. He was a big man with black beard. His eyes were dark and hollow. Somehow I realized that the two had something for each other. Sergio was always the one who came early to breakfast, spending as much time as he can with Vera, drinking fresh orange juice.

I simply saluted them and get a glass of water and left the kitchen. Here comes my day full of activity I thought to myself sarcastically and plopped on the couch in the living room.

*********

As the sun began to go down , my mood descended, too. I needed to know whether my memories held the truth. Did I really kill my mother and my boyfriend? There should be some newspaper record or any type on knowledge about me on the net. I never dared to ask for a computer or even a smartphone for fear that Damien would get upset however it was due time to have a connection to outer world to clarify the unknowns from my mind.

With this determination after my pep talk to myself I patiently waited Damien or Sal to show up.

Damien didn't disappointment me this time and came home exactly on time and in a happy mood. I hugged him tightly inhaling his masculine scent. I missed him since last night.

He smiled at me genuinely and hugged me back. I knew that as soon as he started to kiss my neck I would lose my chance to talk about my demands so I moved back and took his big hand between my smaller ones.

"Damien, I need to ask you questions regarding my past"

He sighed and sat on the couch pulling me together with him and gestured me to go on.

"Did I by any chance mention you that I killed somebody, well precisely my mother?" I asked terrified that I might not like the answer he would give me.

He looked at me perplexed. "No. Why did you think of such kind of ridiculous thing?"

"I remembered, Damien. I remembered things that I liked and other things that horrified me."

"No you never talked about her to me. I even don't know if she was dead" I sensed lie in his tone so I pushed it further.

"If you are so sure, let me be assured too"

"Why don't you believe me?" his glare was getting sharper, and voice harsher.

"No no no. I believe you but I don't believe myself. In order to sustain my life I need to see it myself. So can you buy me a laptop or a phone you know, to search web and reach some clues about my past? Due to the fact that you asserted, I am not to be found guilty for any murder concerning my mother, my googling myself wouldn't do any harm? Right?"

"No" He simply shook his had.

"What?" I lost it. I lost my temper. "Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot have? Who are you to decide on behalf of me? Just because we f*cked, doesn't give you the right to rule my life." I yelled at him.

As soon as I finished my words I felt Damien's hand on my jaw, holding tightly, his glare full of rage.

"Da-Damien what are you doing?" I whispered trying to loosen his hold on my jaw.

"Don't you dare raise your voice to me again. Don't dare to question my decisions and never argue back or defy me or you will face the consequences." He snarled.

In a flashback of time I felt him. I felt the fear he caused me once. Nothing memory-wise physically but the feeling was there like dejavu, a slice of a moment when you know that you experienced it before but you cannot give a name to it.

My jaw was hurting. I wriggled to get away from him. Surprisingly he let go with a hint of sorrow and remorse in his eyes.

I averted my gaze from him and looked at the floor feeling the tears rushing to my eyes but I held them back resolutely to perceive what I demanded.

"Here" he said softly holding over something in his hand. "Take my phone and google that incident you asserted to be true."

In order not to the miss the opportunity I snatched the phone from his hand and sat on the nearest chair. He stood atop of me and taught me how to use it.

The first link related to my name was a facebook page. I clicked it immediately. I sensed Damien stiffened but I feigned ignorance.

There I was in the profile photo smiling. The account was private and I inherently didn't remember my password or e-mail. The only information besides my photo was that I was a student at NYU born on 7th of July.

On the right corner of the phone's screen something caught my eye. It asked me if I wanted to check in my location. I absentmindedly clicked okay.

There opened another window and confirmed my address. I instinctively memorized it.

"What the hell Emily?" Before Damien grabbed the phone back I quickly closed all the browsers.

"I didn't find anything about murder" I sighed.

"What? Why are you disappointed? Did you want to be a murderer. I can help" He snickered at his own joke which got me shocked and awed.

"Nevermind" he dismissed my reaction easily. "So about the vacation to your hometown, are we still on it?"

"I am not sure. If I was in my dad's shoes, I wouldn't have wanted to see my daughter if she had killed my wife." That was how I felt at the moment, fearing to be rejected by my own dad and brother. I couldn't remember the last time I saw them so I couldn't presume the consequences of a gathering after all this time we lived apart.

He scoffed. "Don't be silly. I am perfectly sure that you didn't do anything that sort."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked him suspiciously.

He squatted between my legs and grabbed my face. His touch became tender and caring while his stare was full of emotions including pity, empathy, affection and love. Love?

"You carry too much innocence in your cells than any other human being to hurt somebody physically and emotionally. " he voice lowered by the end of the sentence.

"I tried to hurt myself" I whispered back.

His loosened his hold on my face, making me fear that I lose his touch all at once, however he gently traced his index finger from my temple to my chin.

"It was because of me" he murmured. "I cause people to hurt. I gave them pain and ask for respect in return. I caused you pain and asked for endearment in return which I couldn't derive especially from you." He stood up.

"I have to go. I have some unfinished business." He said with some sort of vengeance hidden, I couldn't decipher.

The emotions that emerged in me generated by him were mostly too dense for me to tolerate. He sometimes exhausted me peculiarly with his existence. His ambivalence overwhelmed me on a regular basis which might be earnestly mistaken by show of affection instead I believed them to be the outcomes of the bipolar attitudes he acquired.

As soon as he left the house I ran to my room in order to transfer every knowledge I gathered from the short inspection through Damien's phone, into a piece of paper which I folded and hid in my bra afterwards.

As I laid down on my bed, a plan began to develop within my brain's wall, anticipating me.

**********

I woke up before the sunrise walked on my tiptoes to the kitchen and pounded my sleeping pills into flour matter.

After I hide the dusted pills in my drawer I started my daily routine for the day ahead. Instead of my baggy clothes I wore jeans, bra and long sleeved shirt and my sneakers. I straightened my hair and hide my face behind the long hair locks.

I headed to the kitchen where Vera was preparing the breakfast. She menacingly looked me up and down. "Why are you early?" she asked me rudely. She was becoming more vulgar towards me each day.

"I couldn't sleep" I simply answered her in order not to raise any suspicion for my actions.

She shrugged and put the pitcher which was full of fresh orange juice on the counter. I swiftly got a glass of it for myself and surreptitiously put all the sleeping pills' dust which I kept in a small box, into the juice. I conveniently leaned on the counter and watched her preparing the dishes.

After she put two plates on the counter she sauntered to hallway and opened the front door and called Sergio to breakfast. She walked back cognizant that Sergio was following behind watching her hips swaying seductively.

As soon as they sat across each other on the counter, Vera poured juice for herself and for him which he gladly picked up and drank in one gulp. She poured him another which caused me to hold my breath because I wouldn't know how much he needed to consume to drift off to sleep. After he finished his breakfast, lingered on the mindless conversation about the weather and seasons somehow concluded the subject with its effects on women body, during the speech Vera was listening to him in spellbound whilst sipping her juice slowly.

I scoffed to myself and grab a cup of coffee.

Soon Sergio was replaced with Toto the second bodyguard, a bald man with loop earrings. Vera showed no interest to man so I took in charge and poured him orange juice which I attentively watched being devoured within seconds by him.

I left the kitchen satisfied but still in jitters and waited for about twenty minutes more for the pills to effect on the bodyguards and the maid.

As soon as I found Vera sitting on the stool her head resting on the table, her arms swinging by her sides. I pulled the second drawer in which she kept the grocery money that Sal often gives her, I collected more than three hundred dollars then scurried to the front door and squealed in victory when I saw sleeping buddies. I pulled my hair on my face and went down to lobby with the elevator avoiding any interaction with anything that breaths.

I was out in front of the building. I watched people walk by in hurry and couldn't help to stop my grin on my face. I was free.

I hailed a cab and headed to NYU with joy in my heart anticipated to find the answers that I searched for so long and always turned empty handed until now.

I was finally hopeful for my past and my future again.

--------------------------------

Turn of Events

As I entered through the doors of the building where the administration office has been located the cool air brushed my face.

I felt secure and comfortable as soon as I got off the cab and stepped on to the campus ground, watching students hanging or wandering around, some in a rush, some at leisure brought a smile to my lips filled me with a sense of belonging. I was one of them. There was no any obstacle, other than my temporary memory loss which was rapidly curing day by day, to obtain what I had lost a couple of months ago. Even though I had no idea what I was studying I surely didn't forget all my education all at once and for good. I was recuperating fine.

I stood by the reception desk and waited politely for the lady with eyeglasses at the tip of her nose which was about to fall if she didn't push them back. She raised her head and gave me a warm smile, she might have been in her late forties.

"How may I help you, dear?" She asked

"Hi, umm, I was looking for information regarding myself, I mean my education. I believe that I was studying here in NYU but as a result of some unfortunate events in my life I am literally experiencing a memory loss at the moment which I am working on it everyday yet I still couldn't remember most of my life but somehow I found out that I was a student here and..."

"Hey hey slow down dear. We don't want you breathless right? Let's start with simple questions."

I nodded enthusiastically.

"What is your name?"

"Emily. Emily Hart." She typed my name on the computer and probed some forms on the screen without uttering a single word.

"Hmm" The voice coming out from her throat was my undoing. There was something wrong with my situation. I started to panic inside my head.

"Dear" She exhaled. "You were expelled due to the fact of your absence and nonattendance to exams.

"But my absence must not be that long for me to be kicked out. I was at the hospital in coma for a couple of months which must be an adequate legal excuse to keep my degree."

She looked at my face for a second and sighed. "Okay let me check all your records. This may take a while, why don't you take a seat and I let you know when I am finished?" she asked.

I walked to the wooden seat just across her desk which was polished and long enough for five people to sit and I sat on the edge and started to wait impatiently. The room was quite except the ventilator's voice coming from the computer's tower. There was another door near the bench I was sitting with a name plate hanging near the door frame. I couldn't read the name from where I sat so I scoot over closer to the door.

"Charles Hemming" the name didn't ring a bell for a while, I repeated it over and over again in my mind. "Who is Charles Hemming?" I asked unable to suppress my curiosity. The lady looked over the screen scrumping her nose unhappily for I disturbed her concentration. "Chief of Administration Office and a teacher as well." she turned back to the computer typing again.

"Huh weird. I feel like I know him" I talked to myself feeling perplexed. She raised her head one more time and smiled. "Of course you know him. He must have been a teacher in one of your classes. Psychology."

I shook my head. "Nope. I still don't remember clearly. Maybe when I see him one day."

"Okay I am finished here. So darling, I reached your hospital records and yes you are right, you were at hospital for exactly 2 months and 3 days. There is a medical report attached to your file. But you are still seemed to be expelled because of your absence starting way before your accident. Do you have any idea where you might have been during two months before the accident?"

A chill ran down my back.

I shook my head again trying to hold my tears from falling. "Is there any way that I may regain my degree from where I left?"

"Oh." she scratch her neck while considering the options of my re registration. "I am sure Mr. Hemming would love to help you about this but unfortunately he is in lecture right now."

"When do you think he'll be back?" I knew that my time was running. I was sure that the guards and Vera was about to wake up.

"I guess two hours but again I am not sure exactly" she answered.

"Can I have a copy of my records?" I asked unsure that she would agree to share my educational records with me just like that.

"Yes sure, I will print them for you" I exhaled wow that was easy.

We waited uncomfortably for a few minutes in silence. Then the printer's quivering sound filled the room.

"Here you go" she handed me the hot papers smiling. I smiled back sincerely since apart from the people at hospital, the people I see everyday were all members of some kind of a gang and I would never have the opportunity to speak to someone normal for a long time.

"Thank you" I grabbed the papers and headed out and bumped into someone because I was busy with the papers and wasn't looking where I went.

"Oh sorry, are you okay?" I asked the man with blonde hair and wide forehead, he had blue eyes which were near each other forming an illusion that he was squint eyed but I knew that he wasn't squint even I didn't need to look at them one more time. Because I knew him. He was my professor. I beamed happily with my new found recognition.

"Emily" he was surprised to see me. "What a nice coincidence that we bumped each other. I haven't heard from you for a long time, Where have you been?" he asked merrily.

"Umm. There has been a lot happened in my life lately Mr. Hemming. So far I am capable of recollecting the remains of my previous life but I cannot say that I am one hundred percent successful." I was hoping that he would help me get through this expelling drama.

"Oh dear, come, come to my office and give me all the details now, will you?" he gently pulled my arm and drag me to his office.

The room was all in mahogany color. Smelling some tobacco and wood. As if I knew the place I comfortable sat on the armchair across Mr.Hemming's desk.

As soon as he sat on the opposite chair instead of the one behind his desk, I began to tell my story to him somehow trusting him more than myself and didn't refrain to give specific details which might have put both of us in danger.

He listened with full attention.

When I was finished he stood up and got near to a table where a coffee machine was launched, he poured black coffee for himself and me.

I thanked him with my eyes and devoured the delicious liquid.

"I am so sorry to hear these things have happened to you" He sipped his coffee.

"I know that you lost your scholarship but in your situation there must be something we could do. I will talk to dean about it tomorrow. Can you come on Thursday again?"

I sighed desperately. "I am not sure whether I will be able to leave the house" I scoffed "I am not sure even if I will survive after this."

"You don't have to go back there. What happened to your apartment that you shared with your friend?"

I widen my eyes with this amazing news. I knew it. I knew I was not a loner like Damien tried to make me feel. I had friends. Well at least I had one.

"I can't remember the address and I am not sure whether she is still living there."

"Don't be miserable. You have the address right under your nose" He motioned the papers in my hand. On top of it there was my address. I was grinning and crying at the same time like a lunatic.

"Problem solved" he grinned back with his crooked tooth. Boy he was ugly but goodness was erupting from his every pore, making him shine like a sun with his untamed blonde hair. How I remembered that I loved and respected him during those 3 years of education just because of his sincerity, goodness and kindness towards everybody around him. I jumped into his arms and hugged him. He coughed and pulled himself back uneasy with the proximity.

"Oh child we were never that close" he laughed. I joined him.

"I am sorry I was just engrossed by the news." I apologized.

"No no it is okay, let's not drop the temperature down now" he laughed again.

"I better get going" I said motioning to the door.

"Yes and don't forget to come on Thursday. I will do my best to persuade the Dean".

"Thank you"

When I was out of the building the sun was shining brightly although it was a little chilly. I wrapped my arms around myself and walked to the main road just across the building to find a cab.

As I arrived at the destination I recognized that the apartment was really close to the campus.

I knocked on the door and wait. There was no response, I was disappointed. I didn't want to leave Damien after all the things he's done for me but I wanted to know my life as well. I slouched, before I walked outside the lobby another door adjacent to the one that was supposed to belong to me was opened. There stood a woman with a pretty face mostly at her early thirties with hairballs on her honey colored hair.

"Emily?" she raised her eyebrows suspiciously.

"Yes?" I gasped.

"Oh my god! Oh My GOD!" she screamed. "I thought I mean we all thought that you were gone for good with that boyfriend of yours"

"I am sorry but who are you?" I was intrigued with her.

"What?" She was shocked. "You don't know me now? How cliche?" She fake laughed. "You found a hot rich boyfriend and became his whore and decided to degrade me? And what about Katie? Will you ignore her too? Oh by the way all your stuff was removed when you left with him, since Katie was miserable both emotionally and financially thanks to you. How did you think she would survive without your share of payments? Sure she had to find a new roommate. And just as everything fell into place and everyone has settled down you came back with your almighty to belittle us?"

I was flabbergasted. What was she talking about?

"Hey hey, calm down will you? I need to talk to my roommate. I am sure I know you somehow but I don't remember, yet." She opened her mouth to protest. But I stopped her with my hand up in the air. "Don't start again your voice only giving me headache and I am not in a good mood right now."

"Wow you really have changed" she whispered.

"Listen you don't know what I have been through so please no need to be judgemental. So can you tell me how to find my roommate. Katie?"

She crossed her arms on her chest. "I don't know exact time she returns from school and after that she works at Robert's coffee at riverside. Until then you can come in and wait inside if you wish" I was surprised by sudden change in her demeanor but I didn't have much choice so I complied.

She opened the door wider for me to enter just as I was about to put my foot inside, a hand grabbed my arm and pulled me back. A hot breath tickled my neck. I immediately recognized the owner of the hand.

"Dollface" His voice sending thrill to my body I shivered and leaned on him. "Why are you here?" His hold on my arm got harder. His lips on my earlobe, he bit. I shrieked.

"Shhh" he chuckled and turned me around embracing me he carried me to the car outside. I tried to turn my head back to look at the woman who was clamped up. I managed to get a glimpse to see the fear and sympathy in her eyes.

There went my hope with the look in those eyes.

Once we seated at the backseat of the car, Damien looked at me smiling mischievously.

"Ready to go darling?" he asked twirling my hair lock in his hand.

"Yes" I breathed out unevenly.

"Someone is nervous" he chuckled and then his face became serious.

"You should be dollface you should be" he pulled my hair hardly and let it go.

I felt dizzy and exhausted. Mostly defeated.

For now.

----------------------------------------

Resemblance

As soon as car stopped I jumped out and ran to the lobby to catch the elevator in no doubt that he was following me in anger.

Standing side by side in the elevator I could feel his bursting energy that was tangible in the air and suffocating.

"I demand acquiescence" he chastised authoritatively without looking at my direction rather facing the elevator's door. "I demand my commands to be obeyed" his face shuttered his voice got compelling "Nothing fiery, nonobservant,ungrateful would ever subsist in my realm." I felt eerie.

I detected that what I was plotting would cause a little problem before I laid it this morning. But never expected to witness such kind of graveness.

"You are no exception to ask for indulgence" he slowly turned towards me with piercing eyes ready to attack in an instant. I looked away struggling for some protection from his invasive eyes. He held my chin, his thumb caressed my lower lip gently. I closed my eyes with sensation. "Well?" he asked squeezing my chin between his fingers roughly I opened my eyes with a jolt. "Don't you think I deserve an apology?" he said through clenched teeth. "No" I blurted out and regretted imminently. He grabbed my arm, his other hand still squeezing my face and dragged me out of the elevator though my feet resisted to comply.

As the door of the penthouse closed behind us he threw me to the wall which I slammed like a fly on my back. I stifled my sobs as pain stabbed my spine like a bitch and tried to regain my composure. I breathed through my teeth.

He backhanded my face instantaneously and I tumbled to the floor. Not a moment after, I was picked up and slapped again. I could feel the blood dripping down my nose. My cheeks were burning with fire.

I found my semblance in silence. If he demanded my obedience I would retribute accordingly which in this case with my ignorance. I stood still until my legs wobbled and lost my balance and fell on the floor. I couldn't look him in the eye. He was hovering over me like a devil waiting his turn to grip my soul away.

I didn't shed a single tear. I only allowed my hatred to be reflected through my eyes towards this arrogant, violent, vulgarian monster. So I looked up and showed him how much I despised him at that particular moment. In that instant when our eyes met, I remembered again. I remembered the fear, anguish, pain and renunciation. The resemblance of the emotions I once forgot and now surfacing clear as a day.

He assaulted me one more time throwing punches on my jaw again and again until someone pulled him away. They both fell on the floor wrestling, throwing punches. I saw him laying parallel with me his eyes still in fury sending daggers to me. I could taste the metallic blood in my mouth.

Somebody lifted me up carried my numb body to my bedroom, slowly placing me on the bed.

"Everything is going to be okay gorgeous" he whispered. It should be Sal but I couldn't recognize clearly since my senses were all messed up.

"I'll bring you some ice for your face" I heard the door closed. I looked up to the ceiling, staring at the little shapes formed by ground lamps' shadow. The door opened, something cold touched my cheeks, somebody else shuffled in.

"Here let me take over" someone murmured.

He bent over, slightly caressing my newly forming bruises. My left eye was already beginning to narrow into slit.

I looked at him steadily for a second. That man bit me up to dead who was taking care of my swollen lip at that moment seemed like a forgotten lost soul in the middle of a dessert, always craving for appreciation and pat on the shoulder, like somebody I couldn't or shouldn't love but somehow irrepressible to have feelings for.

Who was I to that man to have so much strong feelings reaching the confines of obsession ultimately ending up to beating hurting?

An unforeseen enlightenment surrounded me.

Who was I to me?

I didn't need my past to describe myself or my present to define me. All I needed was my future, a lucky blank one to be filled with happy memories. If my past was pleasant enough wouldn't it worth to be remembered which I chose to forget even involuntarily?

The look in his eyes was telling me a story. A story of a broken man, treated badly to lead him to hell of vengeance. All of the secrets he kept from me was just because he was as fragile as I was. He wanted to rewrite everything. Simple and plain yet his soul was tainted. He couldn't help it even if he wanted to. This was inevitable. This end. For him. This beginning. For me.

I saw the remorse in his sad looking eyes.

"I am sorry" he whispered still caressing my ruined face. The face which was not important at that moment, instead it was my heart that was ruined that I wished to keep impeccable until now. Now I knew that he ruined it for himself to be even with me. The naive innocent girl was too much for him, too pure and good that reflected the bad in him like a mirror to his face. He ruined it to justify the badness within.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the awareness deeply, exhaled my bitterness and unwillingness to surrender.

I carved his name on my arms because despite the fact that he hated me I adored him like an obedient slave, like he taught me. He taught me to love something evil so that he could have darkened my soul. Tainted like himself. Broken.

I was his like a doll in a dollhouse attuned to act as programmed. His dollface.

Like a dog to its Pavlov.

I continued to love him unbeknownst to the truth of his being iniquitous. He was the current in a wave which drowns you in a second renders you helpless. Helpless to darkness, to loneliness. He wanted me to be lonely for his diabolical reasons. To equalize, even out the good and the bad yet always rejected to explore the goodness in himself instead he chose to taint me. And I was there willingly mesmerized by his mystery disguised by his good looking, wealth and power as he defined as his realm beneath his fingers.

"I know you" I whispered.

"I remember you"

"You may remember me but you don't know me. How fucked up I am and twisted my life is" he whispered back.

Oh dear Lord I knew it all, not remembering all of it clearly but I sensed it with all my cells in my body.

"Please forgive me" he said.

I stared at his sinfully beautiful face, looked deep into his eyes trying to open the doors of his dark soul which I failed miserably.

"I forgive you." I whispered. "But I will never forget."

He breathed heavily.

"At least not this time" I closed my eyes and never opened them again as I felt the shift of his body sliding behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist pulling me closer to his chest. He inhaled my scent.

---------------------------------

Disaster

Her words echoed in my head.

"He is a married man who is in love with her wife and expecting to be a father soon though you.. You are just a mistress to a capo nothing more nothing less. Why do you think he hides you here in this house? Because you are a pathetic excuse of a suicidal person. He pities you and yet you use that pity against him and never refrain to seduce him. You are a whore. That is what you are if it is any help to your search for yourself. I remind you." She slammed the door of the kitchen and left with hatred in her eyes.

I woke up in the morning with pain in my face. The other side of the bed was cold where it supposed be Damien's so I got up to reveal the remaining of yesterdays events.

I was hopeful because he said he loved me at least what I heard or dreamed of hearing which didn't hold any importance anymore. Because I saw the glint in his eyes that showed remorse to the ultimate extent and that was enough for me until I reached the kitchen and heard the murmur coming from Sergio and Vera.

They were talking about my relationship with Damien. How he was supposed to get rid of me and it took a long time to beat me up to make me come to my senses. They both ended the conversation hoping that I would leave soon after that treatment which I deserved for so long.

I entered the kitchen my head held up high with the oddments of dignity that had left within me.

Vera glared with hatred.

I asked "What's up" nonchalantly.

"I thought you'd be packing after last night" she sneered.

"Why would I do that after his love confession" I was aware of walking on the thin ice yet my pride wouldn't let me to suck it up.

"What love are you talking about?" she mocked me. My curiosity trapped me there and I looked at her bewilderingly.

"Do you think a man comes from love just beats the woman he claims to love so easily? she was snickering openly.

"What you are trying to imply is non of my concerns. Prepare my breakfast. NOW!" I yelled.

"F*ck you. I won't be doing anything like this after what my master told me to do which was exactly to leave you by yourself and make you pack your things up" She said disdainfully which caught me off guard.

"What are you talking about? I whispered.

And then she told me the whole story. I dumbfoundedly left the kitchen and headed to my room.

He was married. Lovingly and expected a baby. Why was I here? I needed to leave this damned place before too late even though I was not sure if it was already so late.

When Sal came in I didn't welcomed him as usual. I just sat on my bed looking ahead to the wall emotionless.

"Hey gorgeous." He whispered while caressing my forehead. My left eye was closed because of the fists he had thrown me yesterday. My face was all in bruises, my lower lip was like botoxed and numb.

"What is the matter dear?" he insisted.

I averted my eyes to the window.

I sighed. "I want to go"

"Well Damien instructed me to make you pack indeed" he said firmly.

"No" I rejected. "I need to leave him"

"Gorgeous you are affected by the disaster that took place last night but I assure you that he is very sorry for his unpredictable actions and wants to make it up to you."

"Are you my friend Sal?" I asked piercing his eyes this time.

"Sure" he laughed. "What kind of a question is that girl?"

"Why didn't you tell me he was married then?"

His eyes became cold. "You wouldn't understand if I ever told you. This is complicated."

"How complicated is it even it to cost my life?"

"No no he was not married when you.. you tried to kill yourself?"

"So after he gave up on me he decided to marry another woman?" I concluded with a heavy stone ingrained in my heart.

"You know what this is not my story to tell." he was getting angry I could see.

"Okay" I surrendered. "I don't have any choice other than to do as been told right?" I asked sarcastically.

He shrugged. "I guess not"

I didn't own much to pack, a couple of clothes Sal brought me and my books and DVDs.

We left the building and drove in a limo to an unknown place for me. I didn't struggle I didn't argue. This feeling was familiar with me. As if I was loosing it again. Something that I clearly remember now. Giving up all. Was I always suicidal? Did I always give up and withdraw even it means to take my life away? I thought that I was mentally sick. Who would have loved a monster otherwise and willingly end one's life so easily. Something was definitely wrong with me.

As soon as we arrived to a big house with three stories I made up my mind. I would never live the life he had granted me. I would either escape this life or give up.

There were half naked women molested by men in suits, guns hanging down their waist who were staring at me in hunger though I was bruised and beaten up good, wearing only jeans and a plain large t shirt.

I didn't ask any questions which I assume caused Sal suspicion but he didn't inquire.

I silently followed his steps up to the staircase. He abrupt in front of a door which caused me to halt without caution. He opened the door to a plain room with a queen sized bed in the middle. How appropriate I thought for the f*cks of Damien.

I inhaled and stepped in. A man carried my luggage inside. Sal closed the door looking into my eyes in sorrow which I dismissed.

I sat on the bed without feeling a need to unpack. There was no need to do it if I was to escape or die anyway.

My life has become a disaster so far which I hadn't totally embraced before neither was I willing to do it soon.

-------------------------------------

Confrontation

Damien was pacing around the room while I was standing by the window watching the garden and the pool where a bunch of naked women were swimming, sitting on the laps of men and doing whatever.

"What is this place?" I asked without turning around to face him, that one blonde with big boobs were grinding a bald man shamelessly.

"This is one of my fun houses"

"Huh you are a pimp now?" I asked nonchalantly

"Watch out what comes out of your mouth" He stopped in front of me and glared.

"Truth makes you uncomfortable" I scoffed. "Whatever I don't care what you are anymore, what intrigues me is what the hell I am doing here?"

"You are here because you tried to escape once when I thought that you were perfectly protected but you succeeded to fail me. You cannot run away from here it is much more secluded." He started his annoying pacing again.

"When will you plan to tell me you are married" I tried to keep my voice expressionless.

He halted in the middle of the room right behind me, I could feel him nearly hyperventilating. I snickered.

He grabbed my arm and turned me around harshly. He was trying to intimidate me but I was not buying it since I got my piece of whacking a day before and bruises on my face were still not faded, my eye was relatively smaller in comparison to the healthy one.

"Whom did you hear that from?" He snarled.

I shrugged. "Does that matter?" he kept his furious look. He was aware that I didn't give a sh*t about his rage at that moment and he was powerless about it and that caused him more huffiness than ever. It gave me a sick kind of satisfaction seeing him struggling to manage his anger because he knew that if he ever touch me to hurt, it would end bad, literally cause he knew I was suicidal. Pathetic but true.

In order to end his misery "Vera the maid" I spitted out.

"F*ck I am going to kill that b*tch" He growled.

"So about my question" I asked tapping my fingers on my arm impatiently.

"It is an arranged marriage" he confessed.

"An arranged marriage where you happily f*ck your wife to knock up her in between your regular visits to my bed?" I snapped back.

"F*ck! You shut the f*ck up now or I will.." I didn't let him finish his words. I took a step closer to him and glared in fury "Or what huh? Beat me up again to death? Oh wait you already did that, twice" I mocked him. He held my jaw squeezing "Do you think I wouldn't do that again?"

I laughed. "Oh wouldn't I like that? Maybe this time you could succeed to end my agony."

His eyes flickered with pain and affection. His hold loosened both hands caressing my face.

"No babe I wouldn't do that, not again"his breath fanned my face. I was mesmerized by his beautiful deep blue eyes.

"Who am I to you?" I whispered hardly controlling my tears to fall.

He let go of me all of a sudden. His stance changed into something colder and distant.

"You are a mistress" he murmured.

"A mistress. Isn't it a way of defining a whore? What does it say about me?"

"You are not a whore. It means that you belong to me and no other men are allowed to touch you or even look at you." his said dominantly.

"Wow thanks for the privilege" I laughed again.

"You think this is funny? Don't you ever test my patience so that I hand you over to those guys downstairs." he snarled.

"Go on, I don't mind. What do I lose anyway? I lost my pride and dignity on my way to this filthy house." I was provoking him. I just wanted to see something real. No. I wanted to find out what was hidden behind that facade of this mobster, I wanted him to lose control and show me what he really demands from me.

"Don't push" he yelled spitting.

I inhaled deeply. I was aware that asking questions about my freedom was futile, and I was a prisoner here for how long I didn't want to know.

"So, your wife, is she pregnant?" I was shockingly calm to ask those questions and what astonished me the most was he was still standing in front of me and replying to my inquiry.

"No, she is dry as a dessert"

"But love conquers all, right?" I snickered. "I mean you can adopt a child and your love for your wife would keep you guys together" I traced my index finger on his arm slowly while rolling my eyes, well one eye sarcastically.

"I don't love her." "I don't love anybody" he enunciated clearly which caused a pain in my chest. I couldn't distinguish whether his being in love with me would be a good or bad thing for my existence. But apparently the lack of it hurt me.

"Damien" I said exasperatedly. "Tell me what are you planning to do with me. I am tired of this dysfunctional relationship, being captive and used only for sex. I drives me crazy. Why are you always pushing me to the edge of living? What kind of a person does that?"

"I told you before you belong to me." he stated firmly. "You are mine and will be as long as I want"

"I am not a property, didn't you learn from your lessons? I control my own life and my will to live" I was exhausted.

"You wanna know what will happen next? I tell you once so listen carefully because I will not repeat myself again" His dominance was consuming me. So I just nodded.

"You will stay in this estate until I say otherwise. You will not leave your room without an escort and preferably he will be Sal. You will not speak to anybody apart from your basic needs which will be taken care of regularly. What you are to me is irrelevant in these circumstances and out of discussion. I need business to take care of instead of listening to your whining, so behave. I never promise a normal life to you ever, this is the best I can offer so you better take it. If you expect lovey dovey from me, you may dream on, I will never give you that. To answer your question about why I am still keeping you here without your consent, because I want to and I can. Call it ambition, lust, passion or whim. I don't give a sh*t. If you want to end your life again, be my guest but I assure you that I will find you in hell."

I was crying, no sobbing. My arms covering my chest I hugged myself and sobbed directly looking into his eyes. I flinched when he tried to reach for my arm. He stepped back staring to my agony in void of emotions.

My heart was blown apart with his dull expressions.

He left without uttering any other word. In fact his choice of words would only agonize me more so he better kept silent from now on for my insanity.

I laid on the bed and crawled into fatal position and drifted off to sleep.

I jolted with the sound of the door banging and slamming open.

There stood a blonde woman in front of the now wide opened door, glaring at me hostilely with her cold green eyes.

----------------------

Hilarious

I was aware that I didn't remember everything about my life before my suicide clearly and for that I couldn't place the people who I met to anywhere in my life appropriately but I was sure of one thing that Damien Maxwell Carneglia was a liar, psychopath,cunning, bipolar son of a b*tch. He dodges anyone for his purposes' sake, lies without a blink and shamelessly, manipulates you, plays with you, fools you and he never feels sorry for his actions. Even if he regrets, it only lasts temporarily.

I was exhausted by his mood changes. Once he tells you he loves you next thing you know he explains how he is incapable of loving anybody. He shows you affection and then he beats you to death.

And you still loved him.

His up the pole wife was attacking you, choking you with her bare hands and screaming profanities to your face. Did I really love him? I didn't think so.

The blonde whom I assumed to be the wife of my demon assaulted me before I succeeded to get up from bed. She threw herself on me her hands on my throat lying above me. I was weak already because of my whacking thanks to her loving husband so I couldn't fight back. Oh my god that was ridiculous, first the husband now the wife were trying to kill me. Who was next?

I struggled to get free of her hands but failed. My vision blurred, my breath was cut out and my face became hotter. Suddenly she floated above me and removed her hands from my throat. Sal my only savior rescued me one more time by ripping her apart from me. I coughed several times to gain back my breathing normally.

Sal was holding her by the arms caging the legs with his foot. Because her mouth was free she screamed and yelled to be set free in order to kill me.

"You slut tried to steal my husband, MY husband from ME! How dare you little snake."

"I didn't do anything" I defended myself.

"I know all your shenanigans from the moment you step inside his flat. I know that you tried to seduce him, get him into your bed, deceived him with your loose c*nt. And I will kill you for that. No, worse than killing, I will torture you to death." she was fuming.

"Calm down Natalie. This girl over there has nothing to do with your husband. Your informers misled you. She is nothing special but just a mistress. Don't go hard on her." Sal tried to reason with her though he was insulting me had it not been him that ripped her away from me I would be dead by now so I disregarded his words. Sal switched the position and held her with one arm wrapped around her and took his phone out of his pocket with the other one. He dialed and waited for answer while the blonde was glaring at me. "Hey, we have a situation here at the Redhouse. Yes about her. No.She is fine. No.Something worse.Okay." he hung up. "Damien is on his way over here, while we wait for him let's not choke each other" he said. I raised my hands defensively "I didn't attack anybody for f*cks sake and not intent to do such thing. Tell that to blonde in your arms"

"Good to know" he nodded. "What about you Natalie?" he nudged her playfully.

"Okay let me go" she hissed.

He slowly unwrapped his arm and set her free. She smoothed down her skirt and without breaking eye contact with me she sat down on the chair near the door.

"Emily" she sounded calm. "How long do you think Damien will keep you by his side?"

"I-I don't know, you should ask him." I stuttered. This woman intimidated me too much.

"Huh funny." She fake laughed. "He got rid of all his whores after we started dating. But he kept you hidden for some reason. There must be something special about you but you are so plain and not his type I cannot figure it out." She turned to Sal and continued. "Sal do you f*ck her, too? If so tell me about it. What is it she keeps you guys right beside her all the time?"

I was beyond embarrassed. Sal cleared his throat and lied straightly looking in her eyes. "Yes I f*cked her couple of times. She is tight and little you know we planned to keep her until she loosens." I flushed from my neck to my ears.

"Typical" she sneered looking at me.

"See there is nothing to worry about, yes?" Sal asked relaxed a bit.

"Yes but he still cheated on me Sal with.. with that whore" she pointed at me.

How convenient. F*ck my life with a break please. Damien entered the stage furiously.

He glared at me first which caused me to shrug then glared at his wife that made her cringe. I snickered by her action.

"What the f*ck is going on here?" he growled. My caveman. Why did I find this hilarious was beyond my comprehension at the moment.

"Darling why did you do that to me? You cheated on me" she fake cried. Oh my god, she didn't shed a tear but one could swear that she was crying. What an actor.

"No I didn't." Damien denied coldly.

"Who is she then?" She pointed at me again with her long index finger I'd like to break happily.

"She was my mistress before I met you" he answered nonchalantly. "Now I've got you I passed her to Sal." he shrugged. She smiled and stood up, wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. He f*cking hugged her back. I was watching the whole scene shocked, my mouth opened my bruised jaw almost hitting the floor.

Damien didn't spare a glance at me while leaving the room with her beloved wife.

After they left the room I jumped out of the bed and almost flied to the door and slammed it.

Sal and I exchanged glances before we burst out laughing. The last scene in which Damien left with a fake crying blonde who thought that I was now Sal's mistress was derisive.

We broke our laughter to even out our breaths.

"Wow that was rich" I said still shaking a little.

"Yeah, about earlier. You know I didn't mean to insult you" Sal looked at me apologetically.

"I know Sal. Nevermind. The situation is too fucked up to be rectified properly anyways" I shrugged.

"I am aware of that" he nodded.

"So you want to share anything with me?" I asked mischievously hoping to drag out some information about this arranged marriage of Damien's.

"Like what?"

"Like the Russian wife?"

He narrowed his eyes. "No. Why would I want to share anything about her with you?"

"Because she recently tried to kill me, duh"

"Yes, that nasty wife. She doesn't mean anything. Just a pawn"

"Sal. Why don't you rescue me from this nightmare? What is keeping you to tell me the story behind Damien's obsession of me?" I pleaded him.

"Gorgeous, how I wish to explain everything to you but somethings are better kept secret. Besides I don't know every single thing that crosses Damien's mind. He is an enigma even for himself. His anger quickly turns to rage, his sadness becomes despair." he paused "and happiness. Actually I didn't see him very much happy during all those years we've been friends."

"He is not a regular guy" he continued "He grew up in different circumstances, had tougher training and education. One should never expect a normal human being from him. Because he is not normal and I don't think this would ever change."

"Did you guys grow up together?" I asked.

"Yes. When he was brought to the estate, he was a little boy" his face glinted in amusement as if he was imagining that little boy.

"How old are you?" I asked curiously

"Thirty two"

"You're old" I joked. He held his hand on his chest. "You hurt me" he laughed.

"Do you ever think that I might have a chance to get back to my normal life Sal?"

"Never." He inhaled sharply before continuing. "He is in love with you Emily. He doesn't want to admit it yet but he eventually will. His feelings are unstable right now because he is unfamiliar with them, never experienced this sort of emotions before and he is struggling to identify them. Don't push him away with your sassiness. Just give him sometime to figure things out. He has some obstacles ahead, he is taking care of them. Please don't be another stone on the wall he was trying to hurdle. Just trust him. Trust us. Will you?"

I opened my mouth to protest but he stopped me with his hand gesture.

"Give us a month okay? After we clear everything out I promise on behalf of Damien that we will tell you everything." he said.

"So after you do that can you guarantee me that Damien will let me go if I don't like the things you tell me?" I asked.

"No I cannot guarantee anything regarding your relationship with Damien."

I scoffed. "Whatever the situation is I will still stick to his side"

"Don't you love him Emily?" I was astonished with his abrupt question.

"I - I don't.." I couldn't answer his question. I was perplexed with this confrontation with myself.

"I know you do. Don't deny it" he assured.

I simply nodded.

"So why do you want to leave someone you love?" he reasoned.

"Because he hurt me" I whispered.

"Emily he hurt himself, too. Please we are talking about this kind of an alien here. I told you he is not normal but you still love him. Why do you resist to accept him as he is?"

"I can't" I couldn't look him in the eye anymore. I averted my eyes to the comforter on the bed.

"Why no?" he whispered.

"I want to be free"

"No you don't." his voice came out harsher than before.

"What?" I asked confused. I lifted my head up and stared at him for a while.

"You never tried to escape, only once on the first day of your encounter with Damien but never again. Did you ever think of escaping two days ago when you visited your college and your ex-roommate when you had the perfect opportunity?"

He answered for me. "No. Because you can't. No. Because you don't want to. No. Because you love him. And No. You cannot imagine a life without him. That is why you tried to kill yourself, you were terrified to lose him. A life without him was meaningless to you. Not your family not your friends. You were already living apart from your family for two years, you only had one friend you barely meet and spend time with, you would do fine alone. Being without them wouldn't kill you but being without Damien did and will again."

I wiped the tears flowing on my cheeks. I nodded.

I was a lunatic. A mental disordered one just like him. And just because of this reason I loved him. Sal was right, the idea of being without him made me lose my mind. I wanted him to be mine and now I clearly see that he wanted the same thing from me, too.

--------------------------

Weakness

Sal and I were watching some documentaries on TV. It had been two hours since Damien left with his wife. The word left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I turned my head to Sal who was dozing off. I nudged his lower side with my elbow. "Sal"

"What" he answered groggily

"I think Natalie didn't buy the lies you threw at her." I was thinking about the whole incident for a while.

"Why?" he wiped his drool from his mouth with the back of his hand.

"It was too easy. Like a snap of fingers she fell for Damien's words. She acted heartily to make you believe that she trusted you both which I think was as fake as her lips."

"Don't worry about her. She will never come near you again" he assured me but I was not worried about myself. I told him that.

"What I am worried about is you. Both of you. I have no idea what your charade consists of, considering Russians which you likely promised me to explain later but they are not empty handed, too and that blonde is the sole indicator that there is more under it."

"You watch too much soap opera lately" he scoffed.

"Whatever. I am telling you okay? I am hundred percent sure that she didn't believe any of it and she will brag about it to whomever is her boss soon. I may have lost half of my brain but you know what they say, losing one makes the other parts stronger. So yes. I have my sixth sense stronger than ever. Like I believe that Damien is stupid enough to give me a visit tonight just to make it up to me or to himself and it will cause a lot of problems with his 'wifey'" I air quoted the word exaggeratedly.

His phone rang. He picked it up before he got up from the bed and paced around the room speaking in Italian. He once or twice gave a glance to me thoughtfully.

When he hung up he looked at me "Get ready we are leaving this place" he gestured me to move to the closet to gather my belongings which luckily I haven't unpacked yet. I lifted my suitcase with one hand and grinned at him. "I am all ready to go."

"Is that all you got?"he asked.

"Yeah there are books and DVDs as well but I kind of have a feeling that I won't be needing them anymore" I grinned more.

"What are you up to? He asked skeptically

"Nothing. I am just going with my guts" "The sixth sense" I whispered playfully.

He laughed. "Okay weirdo let's get you out of here before you start some black magic s*it to explode the house"

We left the house quickly after Sal instructed the bodyguards quietly which made it impossible for me to figure out what was the cause of my sudden change of place. After three to four hours of driving we stopped in front of a cottage in the woods. I couldn't allocate its whereabouts.

Sal opened the wooden door to a living room with an open kitchen. There was a fireplace just across the door in the corner. The colors used in decoration were cute, mostly cream, green and red. It felt homey.

"There are two bedrooms and a bathroom down the hall" he showed with his head. I nodded.

"I will be staying with you here for a while and probably change the shift with Damien later. But for now this is the safest place for you"

"Why, I told you didn't I? That bitch wouldn't shut up. I thought that mafia men have every right to keep mistresses but what I don't understand is why was she so angry about me being a mistress to Damien?"

"Well this is not my story to tell" he dismissed my words easily.

"What? You know that you practically kidnapped me here, so I have every right to learn the reason."

"It isn't kidnapping if you are willing to comply" he winked.

"You think this is funny? Dragging along with a guy not knowing what to do with my life or not having an idea about my identity, living the days aimlessly, playing dumb and numb most of the time while trying to solve the puzzle which is called my life so far, cleaning the web within my brain? Try to walk in my shoes dude."

I went into the kitchen to explore in the hope of finding a coffee machine. When I found one I searched the cupboards for coffee.

"Here" Sal threw me a package of coffee. He was carrying groceries. I must have fell asleep deeply during the car drive to miss his visit to grocery. I silently prepared coffee and gave him a mug, too.

We drank for a while without uttering any word. Then he cleared his throat.

"You are right. We are not made of that material you call humanity. I don't and can't understand you, neither can Damien. But we are good at one thing. To protect the ones we care. And we both care about you a lot. Russians know it, too. This is why we are here to hide you from them. They want you because they are aware that if they take you we will come after you for the rescue."

"Why? Why would you come after me? Even if you care about me that doesn't make sense. Why risk your life for some girl who came into your life a couple of months ago, a girl you hardly knew?" I asked astonished with his confessions.

"I don't know. Maybe we are all f*cked up to make sense. For some reason Russian noticed this, too. The moment Natalie attacked you I realized that, that was the end for you, your death sentence signed by them. I was killing time in your room whilst waiting for Damien's call to get you out of there safely."

"So I was right about my sixth sense then" I grinned.

He poked my cheek playfully. "Don't tire your smartass brain too much gorgeous"

"So how long do we have to wait here?" I asked seriously.

"We'll wait till Damien comes or sends some back up." he shrugged like it was the least important thing to think at that moment.

"What do you think they would do with me if they get me?"

"You wouldn't wanna know" he shook his head.

"That bad huh?"

"You think we are the bad guys, yes? The ones who kept you without your consent, the ones who beat you up. You didn't see anything bad gorgeous and I hope you would never experience anything they would have done to you."

"What was the worst thing they would do?" I scoffed. For me committing to end one's life was the extreme point that a man can dare.

He smirked. "You wanna know?" I nodded challengingly.

"They would take you, tie you down, beat you up, molest you, abuse you, whip you, rape you and throw your damaged body into a dumpster in the end."

I gasped. "No they wouldn't. Why? I never caused them any harm besides sleeping with Damien. I didn't even know that he was married in the first place" God I hated that son of b*tch. He fooled me twice and now I was in deep sh*t because of his jealous wife. If that jerk face didn't cheat on his wife regardless of the marriage being arranged, I would have live happily. But no his obsession to posses me overbear everything and everyone.

"He shouldn't take me to his house. He should take care of his wife instead of f*cking me. Oh my god what am I going to do? They will find me and hunt me like an animal." I was terrified "Like a f*cking animal." I yelled.

"Shh princess. Stop yelling" he hugged me tightly. "I am here, yes? I won't let anything happen to you. Damien will be here soon, too. You can talk to him and share your concerns then. But for now we have to be patient okay?" he calmed me down.

"Why do you care about me this much? I mean you could've both left me in that hospital, I was a lunatic after all. Why did you bother to help me cure? I was just a good f*ck nothing more nothing less, yes? At least this is something everybody repeats to me regularly. Why do they want me? There are dozens of girl in that house whom Damien gladly f*cked I presume. Cheating on a wife cannot be the sole reason to go after somebody?"

I was exhausted because of my blabbering but still I couldn't see the whole picture and my mind was freakishly working.

"You are our weakness" he said after a pause of silence.

I gazed at him questioningly.

"They know that Damien loves you."

"How?" "I even wasn't convinced that he loved me. How could they be so sure that he loved me so that they come after me?"

"Damien is a tough guy. He always has been a cruel one. But he made some mistakes like separating you from other women, treating you differently."

I laughed. "What? He beat me for f*cks sake, how could this be treating differently"

He shook his head smiling.

"He never cares about who he f*cks. And his first rule is to never f*ck the same woman more than once so that he would prevent any ideas of the woman's becoming Capo's wife or a privileged mistress. Somehow you affected him a lot. Not only he f*cked you more than once but he provided you your own room. He spent nearly every night with you. He never sleeps with the woman after sexual encounter but he ended up sleeping in your bed most of the nights."

He paused "And you shouldn't tell him that I told you" he warned me in a serious tone.

"He cried over you when we first found you lying in a pool of blood on the floor that day cause he thought that you were dead."

I was shocked unutterably.

"You became his weakness gorgeous and he has to fight for this or else he will lose you forever"

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