I swore not to be my family, to demolish the fear associated with the family name. Accepting the journey would be done alone. Then this ray of sunshine burst through my office door. Immediately igniting the warmth last felt as a child, warmth of friendship and love. I stayed aloof, my mask in place but a true smile slipped through. Her eyes glimmered when she saw it.

Then it was over, the sunlight left the room never to be seen again. Or so I thought. A small world it is, golden hair and warm blue eyes found me over and over. Disregarding my family name. Just there to be my friend.

First came the lunch dates, not that we knew they were. Sometimes I would forget but my angel never did, always making sure to get my favorite. Then came the movie nights with popcorn and cuddles. Game night with your family and friends then holidays meeting your mother.

Now here we are, alone in my home. Relaxing and cuddling. Bright blue eyes, shining in the glass. Your smile reflected at me, filling me with a warmth lost long ago. I can’t help but smile back. Turning, golden hair framing your face like a halo, my personal angel. Flopping on the couch next to me, just as tired as I am but managing to warm the room with your luminescence.

Soon you will leave, home to your bed and I will be left alone. I don’t want you to leave, I haven’t for a while. My heart is racing in my chest. Will tonight be the night I finally ask. You turn to me, smiling and laying your head in my lap. Automatically my fingers thread themselves through your hair. You hum in happiness as I scratch, eyes closing in comfort.

Unconsciously I bite my lip. My fingers still, causing your beautiful blue eyes to look up questioningly. Nervousness wrapped around me. Sitting up, you scoot closer, our legs pressed together. Tilting your head, blonde hair falls in your eyes. A laugh escapes my mouth as your nose scrunches in annoyance.

My body moves before my mind, my fingers gently pushing the hair behind your ear. Our eyes lock, words struggle to escape me. Questioning, hopeful eyes stare back at me. My own hope that I don’t lose you. Titling your head into my hand, smiling softly.

Swallowing hard, my voice just a whisper. “I want you to stay.” Your eyes are wide as I lean forward. Going slow, but you don’t move. Our eyes close as our lips touch, they are just as soft as I imagined so many times before.

Pulling apart, my eyes stay closed not wanting to see the possible disgust on your face. Your hand caresses my face, my eyes opening hesitantly. A gleaming smile is on your face, blue eyes alight with joy. My smile joins yours as your voice fills the room. “I want to stay.”

The words don't get to me

because they haven't impaled me

deeply enough.

They did not touch the wounds

of my heart or caress the crevices

of my soul.

Your advice means nothing to me

if they have not met the core of

my Anima.

There's an inevitable attraction to being alone sometimes. But being alone is different from being lonely. Loneliness is the void that you feel when nothing makes sense in the world but your own experiences do. And those experiences sometimes seem to make more sense than your own existence.

You watch as life slowly moves forward; the grandiosity of it all astounding you. But sometimes the mere lack of "life" itself leaves you preoccupied with a dance towards darkness. At that point, you are blind to your own path.

Loneliness is getting out of bed ready to start the day, but realizing that no one's going to be there, caring about what you do. Yes, this is that feeling. The feeling that you alone are the audience of your life.

You go about life, being a wandering soul out of the several other humans in the world who watch as the days fall back.

Are you any different from them? From those who prowl about the earth seeking for a purpose? Seeking for meaning?

Sometimes, I often wonder why nothing makes sense in the world. But even though this is true, I wonder why I was brought out here in the first place. If nothing makes sense, then doesn't my own existence seem quite ridiculous?

Yet here I am; experiencing the all of nature and the universe while experiencing nothingness at the same time.

Here I am, being one with everything, and feeling like nothing at the same time.

There are rare moments that exist out there in the world where one is happy being alone.

That's the significant difference.

When you're lonely, you need people around you.

Sometimes, it's often like being an empty hole. You don't really have an identity, you let others fill you with their emotions, their happiness, and like an addiction, once you lose them, you feel like you've lost a part of yourself forever.

People begin to live through you, and you experience their humanness.

This is the strange thing about being lonely, it's the fact that you actually love other human beings.

If you didn't, then being in solitude would give your complete and utter joy.

But that's not the case.

What I do hope for sure...

...is that in these feelings of mine.

I'll learn not to depend so much on other people for my validation.

I'll learn to smile in the face of the emptiness of it all.

And like a dove signaling the signs of life, I'll hum the symphonies that reflect the mold and depth of my true being.

I... alone... are just as vast enough... to fill the gaping hole that drowns me.

The chapel walls felt like they were closing in on her. A hand fell on her shoulder. She stumbled a bit further backward and fell into the pew seat. The gentle voice of the sage made her nerves calm, at least for a short while. Their eyes met and she tried to look away, tears just about ready to continue streaming down her face.

Sound of the bells made her shift her body in a more alert state. The elder sighed and moved his hand, waving it in a way to request that she make room for him.

He slowly lowered his ancient body into the seat beside the woman. Not only could he sense her great loss, but he could see her thoughts pouring out of her mind. They played like a still painting that was brought to life. The colors, brightly burning like fire, and each image full of such an intensity he felt as if his mind was going to burn from the pain.

Her sniffles brought his mind back to the present moment. He clasped his palms and squinted his eyes as if the daylight was drifting away. It was quite the opposite. The first rays of the sun began to breakthrough the grand colored window glass that always reminded him of a kaleidoscope.

He smiled warmly at her and asked, "I have seen and can feel your pain, my dear. Know that I am here for you and ready to listen to what's weighing you down."

She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand and looked into the elder's ancient milky eyes. They kind of spooked her out from the way those eyes seemed to peer straight into her soul.

The elder chuckled. "Don't worry. I mean you no harm."

She gasped. Was he reading her thoughts? Ah, what kind of elder was he?

He laughed and then said, "So, I see that it will take a while for you to tell me your story, eh. Very well...I can wait...while we do that, would you like a cup of tea?"

She felt a weight lift off her shoulders and smiled. The thought of holding a hot cup of tea brought a tiny smile on her face.

The elder rose from his seat and waved his hand toward the tea room. "Shall we head to the tea room, my dear?"

She placed her hands on her lap and closed her eyes as if saying a little prayer, or a blessing for the day. The elder smiled and thought to himself, 'Hmm...now she could teach my subordinates a thing or two about prayer...I think she will fit right in with us here at the chapel.'

I watched my great-kaka grab something in his palms. He winked and said, “Let me tell you a story.”

He blew into his palms and out of them came twinkling lights that rose into the air. Then I watched in awe as these lights came to life as great-kaka started to speak:

“Nevaeh— have you ever wondered how the night sky ended up full of bright dazzling bodies? You see- a long time ago~ there was a great Kingdom of the Ba. The King and Queen of the Kingdom were proud parents of a lovely princess. She loved nature and sometimes it seemed like she spoke to the creatures in it, too. Not only did she speak to the wild animals, but she spoke to the sun as well. Whenever it was sunrise, she would rush to her window to greet the sun. Then ask it if it could make the night at least a bit brighter.

“One day the King and Queen decided to send out a decree calling for another royal to from any Kingdom to marry the princess. So, many princes came from near and far to try to win over the princess’ heart.

“Among the princes, was a young guy who stepped in front of the King and Queen with a charming smile. He bowed before them and pleaded, ‘Your majesties. I have come from the Kingdom of Rei. If it pleases the court and everyone here...perhaps we should add in a challenge..yes.’

“The King and Queen were pleased. This would surely make things more delightful for them. Indeed, they loved this young royal’s idea! They scratched their heads and quietly asked the young royal, ‘Eh...what do you think..the challenge should be?’

“He chuckled lightly. Then said, 'The night sky is always dark. The challenge is to find a way to light it up, at least that way it will never be dark ever again.

“And the challenge was placed. The other princes didn’t like this young royal’s challenge. Who did he think he was to decide what the challenge would be? As the other princes debated on a way to get rid of the prince, he was no where in sight. It’s like he vanished into thin air.

“The prince stood further away from the Kingdom. He rubbed his hands and said, ‘Now let’s get to work, fellas.’

“A group of magicians he had traveled with grinned. They were so excited to work and find a way to make sure the prince would be with the princess.

“The magicians raised their arms in the air. Soon they started to chant ancient words passed along to them from the magicians who came before them.

“As soon as the chants began, the earth shook with a mighty rumble. The princess from the Kingdom of Ba had gathered all the animals from the forest. She cried out and asked the prince to stop at once. He laughed and shook his head.

“The magicians were startled by this, but carried on with their work. When they finished, a burst of blinding light shot out from the ground and swirled around like a tornado. The magicians grabbed their wands and worked to direct it away from them into the sky.

“As that light from the tornado hit the dark sky, it seemed to tear holes into the night sky. The magicians clapped their hands. They had managed to find a way to make the night sky at least a little bright with some night lights.

“The lights in the sky twinkled above their heads. They all watched with smiles on their faces as one light shot across the sky leaving a trail which looked like a tail of burning fire.

“Seeing the princess gaze at the stars in the sky, the prince bowed his head. She felt tears stream down her cheeks like a river. ‘Congratulations. I guess this means that you’ve won the challenge,’ she said as she sobbed.

“The prince moved closer to her and wiped the tears from her eyes. ‘You should not worry. I just wanted to make you smile. You should know I’ve watched you for a long time now. You see I’m actually the one who is King of the sky. I can take any form. But my real form is..’ The princess watched the prince’s body start to shine bright like the sun.

“The princess felt a sigh of relief. She embraced the prince and planted a kiss on his lips. ‘I have always loved the sun. Thank you for granting my wish. How can I ever repay you for this gift?’

“The prince winked and said, ‘By becoming my bride.’ The princess blushed and exclaimed, ‘Of course! I would love to!’”

I raised my head and looked at the stars. They seemed to be some that reminded me of a happy couple smiling down at me.

#Stars&Stories.

02.05.2021 © MAY.

Tonight's the night to wear my fangs.

To knock at the doors with all my gangs.

To gather on candy and sweets and things.

To see what mischief the night will bring.

As we walk to doors in gangs of ten,

I see witches, and ghosts, and little minion men.

I see characters and gremlins and big boogie bears.

I see police and firemen and kids with big hair.

I see transformers, and angels, and devils, and such.

This is Halloween night, and I love it so much.

As the night fades away and it's time to retire.

Our candy is looked over, some thrown in the fire.

But not a bad hall for a night of good cheer.

I can't wait for Halloween to return next year.