She craves the energy the sun scatters, 

dodging through the nodding branches to hurl darts 

that she can only bat away with an eyelash. 

To filter the brightness, her eyelids become tent roofs.

Their grey-green cat's-eye canopies have a silken luster. 

Colors drift by like clouds: blues, greens, oranges that darken to blood.

She burrows inward under the sun's glare; the colors go unnamed.

I wonder what's on the other side, beyond the brink of insanity. If I could just give in to the voices, it would all be okay. I could be like the others.

Breathing is difficult now. My vision goes in and out of focus, and I let it. The spots of blue and yellow that begin to make specks around the wall comfort me. I make a game out of counting my breaths, how many seconds apart they are.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7.

When I was younger, my dad would take me to church. We'd sit in the pews and he would pray to an entity he didn't believe in and I would pray to an entity I didn't even understand.

1,2,3,4,5. 6.

I listened to the pastor. His seminars stuck in my head, and I started believing. Believing God, and believing an afterlife where if I hadn't followed His word, I'd be sent to Hell.

1,2,3,4,5.

Once I asked my dad if Hell was on Earth. I was twelve. I felt a burning throughout my body, an inner suffering that I didn't understand. I already knew the answer. My dad shrugged and brushed a speck of dust off his shirt with a calloused, yet faithful hand.

1,2,3. 4.

The specks. As the specks devour me, their colors absorbing me, I regret not asking my dad if it was possible to be in Heaven and Hell at once. I feel at peace, ready to go. Yet part of me is so tortured.

1. 2. 3.

I'll never get to ask my dad anything again. I'll never get to sit in wooden pews or go out for ice cream after three hours of worship. I'll only feel one way or the other, in one place or the other. 

1. 2.

I blink and I blink again. I blink until the motion feels worthless and my eyes stay shut.

1.

I breathe until the motion feels useless, and my body lay still.

I let the specks of blue and yellow take me to church.

Amen.

GET THE FUCK

-you're my love

OUT OF MY HEAD

-and my crystal skies

YOU REPLACED MY EUPHORIA

-i might as well carve you

WITH DESOLATION INSTEAD

-right into my eyes

IF I SMASHED MY FACE

-you're everything green

INTO THE WALL

-and everything tall

THEN WOULD YOU LEAVE

-you're a perfectly clear

MY THOUGHTS ONCE AND FOR ALL

-strong waterfall

AT FIRST YOU WERE WELCOMED HERE

-you helped me rid

BUT NOT ANYMORE

-my mind of weeds

YOU DID NOTHING FOR ME

-you patched up the bruises

BUT MAKE MY LIMBS SORE

-that littered my knees

WHY DON’T YOU RETURN

-you are the sun rays

TO THE DARK PITS OF HELL

-that keep my pale skin warm

MAYBE THEN I COULD BREAK

-you are nothing less

THROUGH LOVES FRAGILE SHELL

-than a perfect rain storm

I WAS FOOLISH BUT THIRSTY

-your waters i used

AND MADE THE MISTAKE

-to cool down my heart

OF DRINKING FROM NARCISSUS’S

-you're my perfect

STUPID LOVE STAKE

-counterpart

NOW IT’S BEEN SHOVED

-our souls, i am sure

INTO THE DEPTHS OF MY HEART

-fit in each others embrace

PERHAPS NOW MY SOUL

-reveling in

CAN GRIMLY DEPART

-our minor grace

*Format inspired by @paintingskies

My love, now distorted.

My efforts, you thwarted.

My heart, it contorted.

My life, not supported.

You pulled the plug.

So I took the plunge.