I don't understand why it hurts so much to do the one thing that once felt like breathing, like living.

Writing use to feel as if the clutter in my head was finding its order and lining up in a perfect line on my paper. Writing felt like the blood of my most terrifying monsters pouring from jars unto my pages as I slaughtered them in self-defense. To survive was to write, to write out the death of my demons before they swallowed me whole, to depict the monsters under my bed so others would know that they aren't the only ones who struggle to sleep.

Writing was flight and I'm afraid that I've crashed.

I awaken to the dark abyss. As my soul adjusts to the lack of light, I see a pair of glowing red eyes. I stared into eyes the color of hate, anger, and blood. When I did so, I felt an overwhelming sensation of deep, soul-crushing inadequacy and self loathing. As it started to seep down into the very pit of my existence, the monster grabbed my arm and I felt its claws dig into my skin, ripping the flesh.

"Do not flinch." I repeated inwardly, as if that made it any easier.

I grit my teeth against the pain as I cling tightly to my resolve. I refuse to give it the satisfaction of knowing it has affected me.

I smiled sweetly, "is that all you've got" I asked, and immediately I regret my decision. I felt the heat of anger raise the temperature of the room to a hellish degree. A pair of ocean-blue eyes appeared, followed closely by the feeling of regret and sorrow.

The Red-Eyed Monster grabbed my throat and I felt the loss of air but I could not die. As I fought for life, the Blue-Eyed Monster hugged my frantic body. The embrace was cold and the arms of Sadness cut into my skin. I could feel its icy breath down my back, chilling me. Depression enveloped my soul.

Both monsters, Sadness and Hate, were devouring me until all that was left was crumbs.

Then I opened my eyes and got out of bed.

We All Looked Up,

with a Thirst

to be Awakened,

to be Marked,

Nevertheless,

stay Untamed.

why do we choose

to be Chosen

and then Betrayed?

we are the Hunted.

Tempted

by the fire,

just to be Burned

by the Dark Flame.

we are the Hidden,

Destined

to be Revealed.

wishing with troublesome want,

to be Redeemed

of our every sin.

Evermore,

we stare to the Blue Moon

of the Shadowland

that shined upon us

with a wicked Radiance,

as We All Looked Up.

Death never seemed so inviting and my heartbeat never quite so strong. The streets were dark, but the allies were darker. Above all else, his voice echoed and bounced off of every wall in my mind, “You will learn. Time should never be tampered with.”

I opened my eyes and the world seemed to change around me. The leaves changed before me like I hit fast-forward. They turned from green, to yellow, to orange, then to brown. The people moved in blurs of colors, forming lines in my vision. I looked to my hands and I have begun to age. I’m out of breath and quickly running out of time.

“Stop! I give up! Please, just take me back!” As quickly as it had begun, it stopped. I was no longer 18 years old. I was 70, but time had stopped, and nothing moved. The leaves didn’t change, and they didn’t sway in the wind. The blurry lines of colors that signify the patterns of movement were frozen in their paths. Time was liquid and I was drowning in it.

“Once time has passed you cannot take it back, My Dear. If I have taught you anything at all, this shall be it.” His voice sounded in my mind like a warning shot at a race. A race to what? Time unfroze and it was clear. 

A race to my death.

You keep saying I'm playing you and lying, but I've never done anything with anyone. You tell me you know how to put things together and you're smart. Well, you are smart. You're just paranoid. You've been hurt before and before, you've done the hurting. You keep saying that you "know the game" better than I think you do, but I'm not playing any games. And I told you not to take your insecurities out on me and you had the balls to say that you don't have any. No. You're paranoid and scared. So don't try that macho shit with me. I see past that shit and you know it. Don't pretend like you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Because believe it or not, I fucking know you. I know your flaws. I know your struggles. I know your heartbreaks. I know your cheaters. I know the pain. I know the nightmares that keep you up at night. I know about your family. I know about the abandoned train car thing your brother always took you to. I know about your mother and father. I know about the radio that wasn't plugged in. I know about the hard shit you hate talking about. So don't say you don't have insecurities. Because damnit. I know you. Apparently a lot better than you like to think I do.

The difference between me and her is she was in the moment and I was forever. Our forever was a fortune, but you spent every dime on something that only lasts a minute. That's like spending every dollar you've ever earned on a feather that flew out of your hand when the wind blew. When you finally realize what you've lost, don't call me. Don't text me. Don't write me. Just remember this... I told you so. I just have a question... Does it suck to wake up to someone you don't love? My heart breaks for you. You have my sympathy. But I don't love you like I used to. I see your flaws, as I always have, but this time they're bigger. Clearer. I don't love who you've become. I don't love this version of you. How could I? You lie, cheat, and deceive. How could you make me fall in love with you and then hurt me repeatedly? I'm not a yo-yo. Eventually I stop coming back. But let's be honest, you never really loved me. Love is pure and kind. Your thoughts were unclean and your words were hurtful. My thoughts were always of you and my words were well thought out and sweet. You said you loved me, but you only loved yourself. You are not the girl I fell in love with. She was strong and willing to fight for me. Was that you or my imagination? I'm not sure anymore. I can't separate what happened in my head from what actually happened. You rode in on a white horse and rescued me from the tower that is my mind, but did you really? Maybe you just changed my wallpaper and made me believe I was free. Now that you're gone, so is my "freedom". You perfected the I'm sorry's and I love you's to the point where I lost sight of the truth, you never loved me. So what was the point in our twisted fairy-tale? Was it to hurt me? To destroy what little I had left of a heart? If so, you succeeded. But I think I understand what your problem was. I think you wanted someone to fix. I let you see how broken I was and you set out to put the pieces of me back together. Once I was fixed you got bored. So you broke me just to fix me. Again. And again. And again. And again. If we didn't have issues you got bored. So you created problems, picked fights, and broke me. To what end? My end. Well, you know what? I didn't ask to be fixed until you showed me what it felt like to be whole. I just wanted someone to love my broken pieces. Not put them back together. You made me depend on you, when before you, I was nothing but independent. You made me need you. Now I realize that I don't really need you. And I don't really need to be fixed. I just need someone to love me the way you never did. The way I dreamt you would. And I hope you walk a straight line. And I hope it all goes up from here for you. And I hope you go to heaven. Because, for me, things are only going to get worse and I don't want you in hell with me. But despite all of my good wishes, I hope you get hurt the way you hurt me. I hope you wake up in the middle of the night completely out of breath and crying trying to scream my name, but nothing ever comes out. And I hope you hear me crying when you're bathed in silence. And I hope when she laughs you hear mine. I hope my memory haunts you to your grave. But I hope you go to heaven. And I hope you find whatever it is that I didn't have. And I hope you're happy. But I hope you find that you miss me and find yourself looking me up and find this and realize how bad you actually messed up. But I hope you brush it off.