I would be more than happy to be able to re-enforce one of the old cliches: life taught me there is so much beauty in the world, that you can never give up, that friends are the most important thing, that the darkest hour of the night is right before dawn and so on..

          But if I am to be true, the biggest lesson I ever learned is that we are all alone. No matter how close you think you get to someone, no matter how much you think other people understand you, no matter how safe you feel around a special person or a group of people,you are still alone.

          Now, considering the fact that I spent the best years of my life and a considerable amount of money talking to my therapist, being afraid of loneliness ,you would think that this realization brought me desperation and misery. Only it didn't. Actually, when I could really embrace this fact, I felt liberated, I felt powerful and for the first time, I felt in charge of my life. Happiness was no longer something that I had to search and find in others, but something I could build and enjoy for myself. I let go of all the relationships that I was keeping just to be less alone and held on to the ones that were bringing me closer to myself and allowed me to grow as a person. I no longer had to shape and mold myself to other peoples expectations and desires and instead I learned to lister to my own ambitions and aspirations. Trust me, after years of trying to fit in, at all costs, it's really hard to know what you really like and what you came to like to please others. I had to redefine who I was, I had to decompose myself and build myself anew. 

         But in the aftermath, I found my essence, I found peace and finally, happiness. 

Life has always been difficult for me to put into boxes. I hated essays, and still hate questions, that try to reduce a continuum into a point -- when did you realize X, what was your greatest victory or failure, what's your story, pick three words to describe you. It's always tempting to make up a something about that moment I ascended into the clouds and discovered the meaning of life. I strive for honesty, though, so the essays always took me much longer than they should have.

It is just one example of many I can think of where honesty is discouraged. There was that time in middle school when someone smugly dismissed any of the kids who said they didn't lie as liars. There was the discussion in class where everyone else looked at me like I had three heads when I suggested that you shouldn't just say "Of course it doesn't make you look fat." There was the time someone I knew almost missed out on a job interview because they weren't willing to screw over their current employer by skipping work. There was that one ethics session in class where it's taken for granted that you would agree to lie about your boss' whereabouts in the setup and the actual dilemma came later -- it's not a big deal, why wouldn't you? (I wish I were making that one up). Nothing major just -- well, everyone lies, so why won't you? Freak.

I think it runs a bit deeper, though. For me, I extend that honesty to things most people wouldn't think twice about. That's probably why they don't think twice when they forget to show up to an event they promised to go to when I would contact the hosts as soon as I realized my mistake and maybe even bake them something as an apology. And why I don't always reply with, "I'm good, how are you?" when the answer is closer to "AAAAAHHHHH!" Though I usually don't say "AAAAAHHHHH," I'm not that socially inept. I just hide my feelings from people I don't know well as a stopgap since I'm supposed to lie to myself and everyone else that everything is perfect. Not to mention how uncomfortable I get during interviews/job applications since employers want you to act like outgoing extroverts, at least until you get the job (Shy introvert here if that wasn't obvious).

Right. Life lesson. As much as it sucks, people don't always like the virtues they pay lip service to. They'll teach kids not to lie, certainly. It's cute and endearing when kids are honest. When it comes to honest peers, though, they'll steer clear, and reassure themselves that since they're not dishonest in big, damaging ways they're the better person. The message most people pick up on implicitly is, "Don't be yourself to succeed. Fudge things a little until you don't have to." Except the funny thing is once you start, it never stops. So my take on it is "Use discretion, but be honest even when it hurts because at the end of the day it's the right thing to do." Here's hoping I can get by on that.