reasons you aren’t going to kill yourself tonight ;
i.
you know that you're in no state to be
making decisions at this hour, dear.
you know that the night is for
letting the feelings
that are going to happen
happen without consequence.
ii.
you promised your mom you wouldn't,
and you can't bring yourself
to break her heart any more
than you already have.
iii.
you don't know if you're in love
with your best friend yet,
and you still
kind of want to find out.
iv.
your favorite song just came on
and you want to listen,
even though you told yourself
that you don't like music anymore.
v.
someone has to feed the dog.
where will the dog sleep when
you are no longer there
to let her into your bed?
vi.
you're so tired, love.
too tired, in fact,
to clean up the blood
when you are finished.
and you know how much
they hate messes.
vii.
the sun is rising
somewhere far away,
and even though
you can't see it yet,
it is beautiful.
It’s Worth Fighting For
(This is not mine, but it still rings in my head when everything around me becomes dark or the world has gone mad. When I break down to tears and beg for surrender everytime - this stopped me from giving up.)
Frodo : I can't do this, Sam.
Sam : I know.
It's all wrong
By rights we shouldn't even be here.
But we are.
It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo.
The ones that really mattered.
Full of darkness and danger they were,
and sometimes you didn't want to know the end.
Because how could the end be happy.
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened.
But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass.
A new day will come.
And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something.
Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo.
And it’s worth fighting for.
Sword Swallowing
Sword Swallowing
February 23, 2018
Pops was busy making sure the rabbit ears with foil pieces
were bringing in the reception of a small 1950's television.
Ma was making a lovely vegetable based soup with pieces of rabbit.
She and her friend Gladys were making a cornbread with
cracklings and had just put it in the old wood burning cook stove
in the kitchen to bake. Gladys's husband Glen was having a cup
of freshly made coffee with a big slab of Vinegar pie.
The daughter Carol Ann now was watching a Ringling Brother's Circus
show on television. She was thrilled seeing the elephants performing.
Trapeze artists were flying through the air. The women in gaily dressed
costumes and the men in black tightly costumes.
Soon clowns in gaily painted faces and wild baggy costumes were
performing antics with a small car and many horns honking.
The ringmaster came to the center ring and the whole circus tent
went silent. Ringmaster announced that everyone be quiet as a
feather while The Great Marhani would be performing and it must be quiet.
that performed this deadly art used mind-over-matter techniques to control his body
and repress natural reflexes to insert solid steel blades from 15 to 25 inches down
the esophagus and into his stomach. The Great Marhani had learned this
technique from his uncle when he was a small boy living in his native India.
Professional sword swallowers had to be right on as it was a deadly art
that would kill or maim you forever.
Carol Ann was all eyes watching The Great Marhani and carefully remembered
his every move. She watched the other performers in the circus ring but
never forgot the performance of The Great Marhani. Soon lunch was served and
everyone ate heartily.
Glen and Pops went to the back porch to roll a cigarette and have a smoke
while Ma and Gladys put the food away and washed the dishes.
Carol Ann went outdoors to play. She had the circus performance still vividly emblazoned
with gems and the golden luster of sequins and feathers in her six year old mind.
She tried performing some of the trapeze acts on her old tire swing but it did not suit
her well as she would need someone to catch her as she flew through the air while someone
caught her. The rope burned her fingers as she tried sliding down it like the performers had
so easily slid down. She dressed in a clown like costume and using her bike as a car tried
making her Pops and Glen laugh. Ma and Gladys came out to the porch to have a smoke.
Carol Ann discarded her clown costume for a cape. She went to the garage looking for a sword.
Her Pops kept the garage in neat order. She did not see a sword but she did find a set of old
umbrella ribs sitting neatly on the dusty shelf. This looked like a sword blade to Carol Ann!
She wiped off the dust on her new dress her Ma had made for her from an old flour sack.
She practiced inserting it into her throat. Just a little further down at a time.
Soon it went down as she thought it was necessary to be a sword swallower. She tried to
slowly pull it back out but it would not budge. She carefully walked to the porch where her
parents and their friends were sitting. Gladys jumped up saying: "Oh my God what has
your daughter done now?"
Glen was the calm one and said he would drive the child to the hospital and they should
keep her calm in the back seat sitting straight up. At the hospital the doctor took care of
the situation rapidly. Luckily Carol Ann did not hurt herself. Doctor handed her a lolly pop
saying he hoped she never tried to be a sword swallower again as she was a very lucky girl today.
Carol Ann had a venturous spirit as a child that stayed with her all of her adult life.
©Julia A Knaake