Every day I see you mount an imaginary horse and ride boldly into a place you no longer wish to be.
I see how these last two years have weighed on you and I need you to know that you are not the sum of your life's disappointments.
Do not go into those dark places that haunt you. Someday the light you emit will surround you. It will shine. And in that moment, just as in this one, I will be there.
You are a writer, a singer, a mother, a builder of kindness, and a champion of hope.
You are my dearest friend.
And someday this world will see you as I do.
And you will say:
"Thank God I never gave up!"
Walking in the room today I felt it.
I felt your heart beat and drop father than it has ever before.
I heard the silent gasping you are doing just so you don't drown.
The unheard screams of "help me"that go unnoticed.
Unnoticed because your smile is one that can brighten any room, or any mood.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that you are hurting.
I know you are.
You hide it so well that even parts of your own mind seem to be ignorant of your pain.
But I see it.
I see you.
You are not invisible, your crys and gasps are not going unheard.
I know you have been ignored by so many people who see your broken soul and turn away.
You may think you are alone but you are not.
I will wait
Wait until you are ready to cry phyisical tears and scream until your throat burns. Just like you have been rehearsing in your mind for so long now.
I am ready when you are.
I am here.
It’s Worth Fighting For
(This is not mine, but it still rings in my head when everything around me becomes dark or the world has gone mad. When I break down to tears and beg for surrender everytime - this stopped me from giving up.)
Frodo : I can't do this, Sam.
Sam : I know.
It's all wrong
By rights we shouldn't even be here.
But we are.
It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo.
The ones that really mattered.
Full of darkness and danger they were,
and sometimes you didn't want to know the end.
Because how could the end be happy.
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened.
But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass.
A new day will come.
And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.
Those were the stories that stayed with you.
That meant something.
Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now.
Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t.
Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo : What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam : That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo.
And it’s worth fighting for.
When The Dark Crowds My Space
Darkness has befallen me many times.
When death knocks on the door of those closest to me, it tears a knife through me like a hot knife to butter.
Oh, I accept death just as I do life, but it is when it becomes unexpected that the darkness puts me in a place where I can't see, can't feel, and sometimes, can't breathe.
But a number of years ago, a close friend of mine, who too, has also gone from this earth, gave me advice via a song, and didn't even realize it. Oddly enough, Jack wasn't the kind of person to give advice all that much.
Jack knew I enjoyed music, all forms of music, though some I can take for just so long. Before I started teaching, I taught dance a number of years, and dance allows a free-flowing expression of who you are inside. Long before that, I sang and played in a band back in the 1970's in the tri-state area. The gigs were good, and the music always made me feel great.
But there was a time when I forgot what music could do for me. I forgot a lot of things.
To those who met me, never knew just how badly I was doing because I put on that "other" face, to hide the one I didn't want people to see.
But then along came Jack, and he said, "Bill, you need to loosen up, and not let it get to you like this. Loosen up, go dancing, take a vacation, sing; do something, man, you are a freaking wreck inside."
And for some strange reason, he reminded me of a song I heard by Josh Groban. "You Raise Me Up".
'When I'm down and oh my soul is weary, when troubles come and my heart burdened be, then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit with me. You raise me up so I can stand on mountains, you raise me up to walk on stormy seas, I am strong when I am on your shoulders, you raise me up to more than I can be.'
In a very short period of time, the darkness I allowed to engulf me, went away. I no longer kept my feelings in check, no longer did I come home and drink myself into a silly stupor, or curse the world (and God), for allowing people I loved to die, especially when it wasn't their time, or I should say they were just too young or in the prime of their life.
To be sure, parents and grandparents, that can be easily accepted, and though sadness is there, it is usually tempoary, but the unexpected sucks the wind from you.
But no longer.
I not only accept death when least expected of my friends and certain family members (cousins mostly, and two uncles still living 77 and 83). I also write about death and the many different emotions, feelings, and thoughts we have or may have.
Today, this afternoon, this evening, the only time darkness overtakes me now, is when I fall asleep.
There is too much richness around me to fail not to see.
... and if you are able to see and listen to this ... You Raise Me Up.
It’s all been done before
She could say " its all been done before, it'll all be done again"
she could say " hold on tight to your dreams"
she could say "you have food on the table and a roof over your head, stop fretting"
she could say " all things will pass"
she could say "all problems are just challenges in the wrong coat"
she could say "one bite at a time will eat an elephant"
she could say one of a hundred other platitudes, but she doesn't,
however all she does say is "Meow" and that's enough
because it means everything yet nothing at all
Steadfast in His Arms
I have you. Rest your eyes, because I hold you tightly in My arms. My weary child, know that tomorrow will come and bring a brighter sun with it, all you need is to trust Me. I do not say things lightly and without cause, I mean these words. My word is law. And you, My beloved and precious, will make it exactly where you need to be. Yes, right now the waves of the world are holding you down, but know, I will never, EVER let you drown. You will emerge from this stronger than before. And you've made it thus far, keep going. I am ahead of you, I know where your feet will land next and what the end of the path holds for you. Do not be afraid, for I love you with all My heart.
*I wrote this here on Prose, so there might be some mistakes.*
The darkness envelopes me like a blanket and my shoulders shake from the sobbing. I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up, drying my eyes on my sleeve. You stand there, looking down at me with smile on your face. You extend your hand and I take it and you pull me up. We come face to face and you pull me into a hug.
"It's going to be ok," You wispher into my ear. I want to believe you, but everything that was suppose to be ok has come out terribly. The tears start again and they start to soak you shirt.
"Sorry," I mutter. I pull away and look you in the eyes.
"Crying ok," you say. I sniff and You hand me a tissue. "Crying is ok." You repeat.
"I know," I blow my nose.
"I just thought of something," You look at me.
"What?" I ask.
"Dunkin Donuts is still open," You grab my hand and pull me after you.
And that made everything better.
Remember when you were bad?
All the little misconceptions choked you up
That buried voice drinking dirt like wine
Drunk on the idea of dying
Waiting to meet chaos
And embodying it to abate fear.
There was a place inside
Small and forgotten
Quiescent in the wake of ignorance
Begging to be remembered.
You took me there and I saw your heart
That pincushion of criticism
Each arbitrary comment allowed residency
For as long as being a victim brought intimacy.
When your walls crumbled
I was there.
Holding that shattered soul together
Showing you its power
And though you cast me aside in disbelief
I could not let you go.
I’ve watched you wither under the weight of the world
But you stand supported by it
So trust. Faith is no delusion but self-determination.
I too have a rusted spirit.
Let life cleanse it.
I miss you
I am staring at the wall, unmoving. If I could just get out of this bed. Thoughts swirling around my head like a cyclone. As I think of what this day will bring, I begin to lose the courage to face it. The courage to even get out of this bed, or out of this room. If I stand up, it shows acceptance of the challenge that this day poses to me and I can't let that happen. I can't move for the fear that grips my body. So, I freeze, my eyes fixed on the wall.
Then the blank spot on the wall is replaced by a sheet of paper. Someone has written on it, and I focus my eyes to see what it says.
"If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives."
I know it can seem hard sometimes, but that is when the best thing to do is push yourself ouside of your comfort zones. Get out there and go be yourself. Your actions are what define you, not your DNA.
I love you, and I believe in you.
My toe begins to twitch.
I'm sorry, I was sleeping. My phone was dead, or charging, or some other excuse. I was busy being happy with my best friends, flatmates, having the time of my life. Sorry. Sorry you're depressed. Sorry I broke your heart. Sorry I can't make up my mind and I'm selfish and unkind and I can't be bothered to drive to come see you. I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter how many times you say don't worry or tell me I don't need to be, I'll still keep saying it. s-o-r-r-y. Please don't be sad, it's a bit of a burden on me.