for someone who isn't sure

if God exists

I find myself thanking this entity;

for being "on time",

and for hearing my hushed sobs.

But then it feels like

it's forgotten me

I blame this "God" for

shitty circumstances.

If our lives are made of our choices,

but I continue to do the right thing,

why am I still so fucked?

My anger chokes me.

I know life isn't fair

but I'm wondering

if it is even balanced.

and fuck a being

who allows so much suffering

from his most "loyal soldiers"

Any question you ask regarding God

has some meaningless answer.

"He is always on time."

"His most loyal soldiers are given

the most/hardest tests."

Fuck you

and fuck him

I don't want to believe

a sadistic fuck

continues to watch his most

loyal followers

go through so much pain.

I really don't want to hear that

our bodies are just vessels

and this shit is just temporary;

to just hang on

and focus on an eternal afterlife.

It's of no comfort

IT

IS

OF

NO

COMFORT

I want to scream the words

into the pores of

every religious fuck

who has ever shamed me

for having questions.

I want them to drown in my tears;

I've already learned to

swim in my sorrow.

Sometimes I feel like

I just can't do this

that I'm a mistake

that I'm not meant for this life.

No matter how hard I try

to be good

patient

kind

compassionate

These things don't change

the inevitable.