Won't you stay a while please.

No... No i don't want sex or any such vulgar thing.

Just...stay here, with me

Would you?

Just lay beside me

You can put your leg across me

Nuzzle your head into me

Just be with me

Please

And we can pretend for awhile

I can pretend for a while...

Feel for awhile

That someone loves me.

Slam my fist upon you!

Trace my pen around you..

Draw the pencil 'cross the page

Flip the cover of the book

The one about the mage

Or was it the other? Fool of a took!

I spilled some milk...

Mom! Do you have a napkin!

It was chocolate milk I'm sorry...

Can I set the table?

Forks and knives?

Where's the dog?

Shoo him away!

Put that away!

Clear the table.

What a funny and sad thing to say, ha ha ha

I miss

Having a table.

Charlie was a good dog

Part border collie

Black with a little white spot on the chest, and some on the paw

A mutt from the pound

Found, wandering 'round by the sound

He was a sweet dog

Couldn't bite you if he tried

He used to sprint

And I mean sprint

Circles around our house when he was a puppy

I would laugh and try to catch him

Boy was he fast!

Once...after he passed

He comforted me in a dream

Sleep paralysis, trapped with a demon

Licked my hand

Even in death

He was still a good boy

I met a fellow yesterday

He was grinnin' brighter than the sun

He said he was my father

Said I was his son

I said, sir

I haven’t seen my father in 25 years

So you must be mistaken

He grinned some more and laughed

Said pass the eggs and bacon

You should be thinking of the future son

And all the life you have to live

Sir I don’t know who you are

Or who you think I am

But my father and my mother left 25 years ago

And I’ve been beaten down and broken for the last 15

So this strange man, he got mad at me

For saying such harsh words

And then some other folks who claimed to be my “family”

They chided me as well

Well I’m so sorry “father”

Then I turned to my “family”

And well, you’re right I should be ashamed

Shame on me!

I snapped my fingers and clicked my heels

POOF!

There goes my distrust of women!

POOF!

There goes my distrust of men!

POOF!

There goes my self-hatred

Well! Boy Oh boy!

Now I love myself, I have parents and a family!

People don’t take advantage of me!

And gosh darn it, I sure am swell!

Golly gee, thanks guys!

Boy I wish I knew that sooner!

Why didn't you tell me before that everything is my fault!

Why couldn't you remind me that I've caused all my problems!

Why didn't you tell me before that you're blameless and perfect?

Huh....never thought a child could abandon his parents

Guess I was wrong, thanks for reminding me I was the monster all along!

Boy do I love you for telling me everything has always been my fault and I'm just insane!

Boy you sure are a perfect “family”!

Who needs authenticity and genuine connection with human beings

When I could just be judged and shamed!

Are we good? Did we get the shot?

That's a wrap fellas, we can go home.

All we gotta do now

Is run out the clock

Let's see how fast we can get through this game

It's a rental anyway

Damn thing...

Growing up is knowing that

No one knows what's going on

We're all in pain

And we're all failing at it.

Growing up is knowing that

You are not your emotions

You are a soul, living in a mortal body

With emotions that pass through you

Growing up is learning that

We are all trying to do the best we can

With different problems

That no one but you and G-d

Will ever fully know

Growing up is learning that

You have a choice

To let your pain lead you

Or to lead your pain

As Kahlil Gibran would say

The bowl that overflows with milk and honey

Is the same bowl that was hollowed with knives

Growing up is knowing that

You are not alone

Because we're all fucked

What's that sound?

The sound of dried leaves scraping along the road in the fall

Why does sadness hit you like a punch in the stomach?

I know why

It's emptiness

Reliving the same days

Over and over again

I float down the road like a ghost

Looking for his old body

For his old home

A small town in new England

A small town that slowly became a city

You can never go back

I know these trees

Full of gold

Shimmering leaves that shake and rattle

They call to me in a million voices

The haunting glory of the voice of G-d

Shrill, bizarre

Taunting teasing

Riding the line between abject terror…and curiosity

Beckoning me…closer

I know this light

Warm and cold

I know this smell

The smell of decay

How the dead call me home

In whispers down wooded roads

I run down those streets

Calling my father’s name

Looking for my mother

Whitetail deer

Fleeing into the woods

Squirrels that scratch and claw about the branches

The groan and creak of trees swaying in the moaning wind

As tears streak down my face

You can’t go back

You can never go back

I am the wind

Is that what dreams are?

Remembering what it will be like to be a ghost

Remembering the future

I’m struggling to describe a realm outside of time..

Parents tell stories to their children about me

Tapping on the window

Nipping their little noses

There’s a pot of hot chocolate on the stove

Can I have marshmallow fluff in it please?

I’m moving down a hallway

Glimmering linoleum tiles

I can hear children talking, shouting, giggling

A teacher who tells them to hush

The smell of pencils and eraser rubber

I’m chewing on a pencil…the satisfying crush

The feel of books in my hands

The smell of boiled hot dogs in the cafeteria

Of vegetables soaked in hot water for hours

Chocolate milk in paper cartons

Grilled cheese sandwiches that are bright yellow

Crunchy, crispy, greasy…that isn’t cheese

But it’s delicious

More magic than food

This weekend we’re going apple picking

Can I pick a pumpkin?

Is that stuffing? I can smell the celery in it.

Can I please have some cranberry sauce?

I want a new book please

Can we go to the library today?

That one! The one about bats.

Leave me in my room

With the door closed

I can press my hands to the cold window glass

I can feel my bare feet on the cool hardwood floors

I don’t know what heaven is

Hell neither

But this place outside of time and space

You can leave me here

A warm mug of apple cider in your hand

I painted it for you at school

Don’t you like it?

I’m going now

The door has closed behind me

It’s so cold outside

Please can I come back in?

Symptom of my own disease

Locked away in a cage within a cage

How do you unlock yourself

When the key is locked within you?

I'm digging my fingers into my own flesh

Nails caked with skin

Blood stains my sheets

As I writhe about

I can see the key

It's right there...

But I must plunge my hand

Into my own chest

And rip the little piece of metal

From my own beating heart

To escape your own prison

Is to risk your own death

Not risk...

It would take a miracle to stop the bleeding

Of your own disembowelment

What is this strange animal

Fighting with itself

'till death

G-d save me from this trap

From this maze...

This riddle

I fear I will never see the sun

When I call you

And you ask how I'm doing

And I say

"I'm doing fine"

What that means

Is that before you answered the phone

I was drowning in fear and sadness and anger

Confusion and loss

But since you picked up

I'll stay alive a little longer

I don't remember exactly when

I stopped celebrating birthdays

I think it was...at least...well

When I stopped having close friends

It's been at least a decade

There's many reasons for that

I've probably moved ten times in ten years

It's hard to make friends when you do that.

I was running from the past and the future at the same time

That sort of thing can really turn you around

I also couldn't stop feeling everything

It was like my skin wanted to fall away

Chewing at myself like a mad dog...

That poor, sick thing

I wasn't a very happy person, I was quite miserable really

I remember once I branded myself

Heating up an old wood chisel over the stove

Pressing it to my skin, to make it snap crackle n'pop

I just wanted to feel something different

To maybe...control something in my world for once

I was at the mercy of everything

I still sort of am...I just got harder

But no one wants to be friends with a person like that...

Or, well...maybe some did...

But I could never love myself enough to let them love me.

How do you convince yourself that you're loveable?

That your worth anything at all

I don't buy that you can do that on your own

Maybe just because I still can't do it.

I don't celebrate birthdays

Well...I think you have to make something of yourself

Become useful to other people...slowly make friends and do things you enjoy...

It's not impossible, i've done that before...

But when people begin to like me

It's like an allergic reaction

I violently push them away

Because they're lying...

If I find you before I die

I'll dance with you

'till it's my time

I'll dance with you

Right off that cliff

I don't want to dance in the void anymore

Come twirl with me

Down here in the vapors

Maybe we can skip right on through to the sun

I'd like to celebrate birthdays again someday