i weep in

her shoulders

and ruin it all

because sometimes

i wish i was back

in the ward.

back with kids

who wanted to kill themselves

on the daily

and had to shower

with the nurses watching,

whose identities

were reduced

to acronyms

on a whiteboard

because maybe

that's all we were.

s.

sra.

ed.

i wish that was

all i was.

god,

i wish i was

nothing.

things would be easier

if i was dust.

sometimes i miss

the numbness,

the shaking shoulders

and tear-streaked palms.

sometimes i don't think

i want to recover.

sometimes i think

i'm better off with my demons,

as long as i treat them like lovers.

five medications.

not a damn step of progress.

don't say i can't be fixed

because i'm not broken-

don't make me scream-

i can't be fixed

because i'm shattered.

i hate myself.

i hate these bones.

i hate how i built a home

in my sorrows.

eyes of blue, brown,

with golden grains

no one would ever guess

the thing he became.

his heart faded to grey

and his soul a dark blue,

his eyes were solid black,

his hellish tears were true.

he threw his dreams in the trash

with every punch he threw

and every scream of agony

all the awful things he'd do.

some drugs and hugs

light sprung to his eyes

now a dark chocolate

he no longer cried

but still a rotting body

on the inside

more pills more love

he turned the tides

hazelnut daydreams

and a heart of gold

if only he didn't discover

happiness gets old

he asked me late last night

if good things ever remained

i asked him why, he just sighed:

"my eyes are getting dark again."

we live life in

black and white

yet we cry for the

lack of gold

we are

Times New Roman

and size 12 font

no italics and no bold

we may walk along

the dotted lines

if we fit

inside the frame

of society's portrait

of a beautiful life;

filtered black and white

titled 'The Living Game'.

Words come to me in abundance

I use them not, in times like this.

I let you continue meandering about,

I let you build emotion, angst, anxiety, doubt.

My greatest of weapons is sometimes other's largest weakness

when applied properly, I watch even the mightiest minds bleed.

So they continue on with composed and educated route

and I don't even let one single word out.

Then the fun begins : a physical dance is garnishment to words

I continue staring holes through them, so hard , they might burn

Sometimes they'll appear near face, raising voice and increasing exasperation

I hold tongue tight : they may have verbal diarrhea, I'll have constipation.

Eventually it becomes evident that perhaps I don't care

and as they start waning, I hold ground just right there:

They are creatures of orbit and come back to talking and being distraught

wondering how one so silent could bring utter oblivion, destruction wrought.

The beauty in my tactic, is I never share it with you, I merely give context clues

You plead your case once, twice, three times even, and walk away darkest blue

I'll not raise hand, or perform the dance you've rehearsed so well

But I'm happy to impart unto you just a small piece of my living hell:

Ignorance is bliss thus I ignore you

I find a smile, you find abuse.

You are almost caged by no construct or verbalization

Because I said nothing, and that's too real, a realization

Now if only, this meant you could feel the aches and pains I suffered in mine.

I'd flip that switch in a heartbeat, I'd toss you in , my concubine.

The agreement is clear, though perhaps not in paper

we are this, perhaps in some cases less than, but never greater.

To ignore one in time of desperation isn't one of the listed sins

but man, is it just as aggressive to one in emotional rift

My mouth remains but closed, my mind knows it's a weakness exposed

You continue speaking, words heard, understood, but no further they go.

You can't win the game, if the other party wasn't playing

simple enough, but did you miss what I was saying?

I'm not the pawn waiting for the next move

I'm the king that stayed put, ruling his land, power proved.

Though they may echo in my heart when the wall nearest my heart crumbles

It'll be long after you've dressed the part of the fool who curses and stumbles

They'll wonder how I did it , to put up with a creature driven so mad

and they'll never understand I did it, and I'll say," I couldn't help but feel bad"

Ah the villainy and irony indeed.

"i make everyone uncomfortable,"

you said

as you stood up

from the heavyweight chair

and announced why you were here with us in group.

you did not make anyone squirm,

but we couldn't say that

unless we raised our hands

and asked for permission,

so we all kept our shaking fingers

in our laps

and let silence spread

like the plague.

your chestnut brown eyes hid behind thick-framed glasses,

but they looked kinder than everyone else's-

reflected hints of hope hung in your pupils.

your words sounded like recovery

and your crooked smile looked like

you were getting there.

at snack time,

we played five rounds of uno together

and you made me laugh

for the first time

since my admission.

you cracked jokes and your knuckles

repeatedly-

so much so that

it almost felt like

we weren't in a hospital,

sitting in plastic chairs

across from each other's

inpatient bracelet.

we'd never spoken before that

and

we never spoke again.

to tell the truth,

i don't think you even knew my name.

you left early the next morning

and you did not say goodbye to me.

considering that we were both just patients passing through,

that was fine.

i guess i didn't impact your life as much as you impacted mine.

Every day

go out of

your way

to do

something

that bucks

your usual

routine.

It will make

you run on

a full tank.

It will make

you burn.