Hi, how are you. It’s your son whom you love and adore. To bad that’s not true. I’m not even sure I can call you dad. I just want you to know, you may have been escorted out but you left me long before that. You probably remember all those good times we had together, you know, the ones that don’t exist. But that’s fine. I remember it all. The black eyes, the lies, the crack in the wall when your palm met my face. Remember when you were so drunk we thought you died? Probably not. The hangover spared you that pain. Remember when trapped my sisters and I had to kick the door in. Or when you held me as your hostage. I want you to know, I pray for you. I care for you. Always have, always will. Your in my dreams sometimes. You’ll always have your impact on me, I just hope I can save myself before I become a monster like you. It’s funny, the fondest memory I have of you is when you lost it all in court. I hope one day I have a chance to forgive you and maybe even show you my love and care and what it truly should look like, but until that day, we just have my memories of you. I’ll remember you always.

-your no longer son

#nonfiction

#prose

#letter

#firstperson

[Living Onward]

What happens when my thoughts are all that remain of me? Will anyone remember me for me? will the pages of the mind be enough to carry me onwards? will my words reflect the life I live? will the hate drown the joy, or will my hope save a life? am I a fire that can’t be tamed, or a shaken match left to smolder. my thoughts are often of love, hate, joy, pride, sorrow, and even of my Lord in Heaven. My thoughts, no matter what they’re about, normally lean towards darkness. they say garbage in garbage out but I see it darkness in demons out. because of this, when my thoughts are all that remain of me, I will live on.

[Forsaken]

Religion is the hope for those who have none. God is the father for those of no love. The Lord is oxygen. You don’t need to see it too know you need it. I can’t prove to you God is real but blind faith is strong faith. If eternal life is true then there is hope yet for the weak, but without it, we are but animals awaiting extinction. When I die don’t cry for me. I have hope and I have faith.

I have been forsaken by the world but not by God. My sins may break my faith but my true father loves me anyway. I am not accepted by man and I am hated by some of those I care about, however, my hope won’t fade. I will love and I will care as I am commanded. I have no trust and I have lost my mind. If I lose my care I lose my hope

I know I'm broken. I've let everyone down. My words on paper are much more appealing than than those I speak, just as life is fantasized as better than in person. If you read this you see a part of me no one ever sees. If you talk to me you see the opposite, but even my most honest writings may as well be a lie. I never write my broken nature. The side that if you ever see, might hurt you. It's sharper than glass, and just as broken. Few know how I feel. Few see my pains. Few see what I've seen. I've been beat and bruised till the monster was made. Now I fight and claw not to let him out. He wants to hurt you. He wants to see you suffer. But he can't. I won't let him out. He can't hurt you. I care too much for him to get out. I'm broken but not beyond repair. One day someone will fill the void, tame the monster, and fix the cage. I know I'm broken and now you do too.

Why did you do it? Was it worth losing everything? Was the buzz that great? Let me guess, you still love me. Then why don't you show it. Actions speak louder than words you know. Guess that means you're screaming through another beer.

The night you left is the night you killed me. Thanks to you I have a hole to fill. You don't care though, do you. You'll keep chugging till your dying days. You won't change your ways. You give me Heck. I was never the son you wanted. What were the words again? I think it was "you will never be my son". Glad to know you love me. You remember it, right. That was the night you tore me in two. I trusted you and you broke me. You made me a monster.

I know why you hate. he turned you into this. he made you into the very thing you swore you weren't. I guess it's just easy for people to feel your pain when your causing more of it. Now I feel your pain. Now I know how it feels to have your trust taken away.

Despite the pain that tears me apart. I'll love you till your last breath. I hope one day I can save you from your pain. I want to save you from your monster. I want you to hear the words I never got. I want to be your hope.

Today should be celebrated, but for me, it won’t ever be the same again. I hope you’re enjoying your day, dad. I know you’ll never read this but I want you to know that I still pray for you. I’m still the imaginative little boy that you knew so long ago. Sometimes I imagine that one day you’ll put down your beer and come back to me. Maybe we could watch Star Wars again as we used too. I could tell you how everything has been. I could tell you about my friends. Maybe even show you my skills with a bow.

I know you’re never coming back but I just want you to know I hope you’re happy with where ever life has taken you. I don’t know that if I saw you if I’d be able to recognize the same man that I used to look up to. The man that put imagination into me. All I can see in you now is the sins I commit. I know you hurt. I wish I could tell you it gets better but I can’t say it has for me. I hope one day (even if you never come back to me) you find the God in heaven. I hope I get to see you when it’s all over. I hope you never forget me. I hope I can cling to my few happy thoughts of you for as long as I can. I don’t want to let you go. I want to see you again. I want to see you happy. I want to be able to tell you my joys, and my sorrows. I want you to be there for me to talk to.

Sometimes I dream about the day I finally see you for more than the cross I must carry. I pray that one day you’ll see the light shine in the hole you’ve dug. I want to dig you out, but I can’t.

I’ve lost my hope of ever feeling the same way about you. I one day hope that I can manage to love you again. Maybe you’ll see me again and it’ll be enough for you to finally come home. The words you last said to me may have been from your mouth but I know that there is still love in you. A love that I one day want to see again.

My wish on this day. A day when hope seems farther than ever. My wish is that one day I can find you. I want to save you. In your old age, I want to be by your bedside reading you to sleep as you did for me so long ago. I want you to see how your little boy has grown. I want to show you the joy that I needed from you. No matter what you may have said that night, I am your son, and you are my dad. I love you and I pray for you. One day I’ll see you again. I hope you're doing well.

-Your Forever Son

Happy Father’s Day

I hate this feeling. What feeling? My feeling of worthlessness, The feeling that perhaps all those years of being called stupid, retarded, idiot, or even being told I’ll never do anything with my life, maybe it was all true. I hate myself sometimes, knowing that all it takes is one of my slip ups and someone gets upset, or worse: someone gets hurt. I feel like a living wrecking ball. I destroy every friendship I have. I can’t stop this feeling of worthlessness. Worst of all is my feeling of being alone. after pushing everyone away why wouldn’t I feel alone. I have to fight my battles in my mind. You wouldn’t believe the pain I’ve kept to myself. I hate the feeling of always being on the verge of eruption. The thoughts I keep to myself can’t be tamed forever. I hate how no one knows me yet at the same time don’t they. I hate how one unintended offense drives the ones I care for away. I hate how I care for those that hurt me and the feeling that I’m meant for something more and not knowing what. I hate these feelings that tear me apart and add to my graveyard of regret. I hate that I’ll never be able to trust anyone and no one will trust me. I hate these feelings. I hate them all. I want them to stop. why won’t they stop!? someone make them stop...

One day it’ll all make sense. One day I’ll see the light in the dark. One day I’ll see what this is meant for, what I’m meant for. One day I’ll be free, but until that day... I hate this feeling. What feeling? The feeling of...

In my mind lies a graveyard of regret. Everything I've ever wronged someone with remains there, taunting me. I regret lots of things. I regret not forgiving those who wrong me. I regret forgetting those who cared about me. I regret my fear of the world, my untrusting tendancies, my refusal of true friendship. I hate the feeling of being alone but I also hate the idea of letting people in. My see of regrets is bigger than me. I can't face them alone, I just can't. I regret placing this burden on my back. I can't go on any longer. My sins, my regret, I have to put them down. The demons in mind have to be let out. In my mind lies a graveyard of regret but it's not time for me to join them yet.

Fear. Fear is my friend. Fear is also my worst enemy. you could say I am Fear, but honestly that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and I’m fearful that taste could be toxic. I fear the words coming from my mouth and how when they start flowing they never stop. I fear my expectations and how I never seem to meet them fully. I fear death of others and wonder whether they knew my father in Heaven. I fear the dark as a place of the unknown. I fear that I won’t be accepted by anyone. I fear the light and it’s ability to show me the truth. If I fear all these things then what is there for me on this world.

Fear is a liar. he told me everything was fine, that nothing was wrong, then it dropped me dead in the dirt. while I was in the dirt Fear took control. if Fear is in control doesn’t that make me Fear?

NO! I won’t listen to this.

Fear is just a thought. A terrible thought that consumes me. It’s a parasite, a leach that’s never full. Why can’t I get rid of Fear? Why does it consume me so quickly? Why won’t it leave me?

I don’t write for me alone. I write for Fear. Perhaps if I please Fear he’ll leave me alone. I write for Fear in a pursuit of hope, happiness, or even for my own self improvement. Fear controls me. He controls us all. I hope one day all of Fear is removed from us but until that day, Fear is my friend, Fear is my worst enemy, and I am Fear.

I used to look at the night sky. I used to look at the stars.I’d say to myself “I want to be as bright as them”, but then I realized that they all dull in comparison to one another. There is not a single star in the sky that can truly beat out another. They all one day fade. We all one day fade. Running the race of life until one day we stop. We all have to stop. We all breathe our last breath sooner or later. So why waste our chance looking at the stars. Why waste your time under the heavens, running a race that can never be won.

We all dream that one day we will reach the stars, but what else is truly at that peak? How far would you go to see your success? Who would you have to step on, and would you stomp their flame just for yours to grow?

The sad truth is we are all slaves to this world. We all run the race that can never be won. Individuality is a myth for so many of us. We live with that nightmare every day.

I used to wish to be as bright as the stars but the truth is that to reach the top is to hit the bottom and I pray that I never kill a fire to fuel my flame. The sky’s the limit that we shouldn’t try to reach

Chin up, cuz the sky is blue and blue is the best color. You could tell me I'm wrong but to tell me I'm wrong would be to tell me that the sky is not my friend and then where is my chin to go but down to stare at the ground, and what's so great about the ground? Isn't it quite brown, that ground? I much prefer the sky which by now is dark, but I can't say I hate the dark, as the moon leaves its mark, on the ground below. So chin up I say. Chin up to the sky. To see the moon. To see the stars. To see the entirety of heaven looking upon you as you find your way to them, and as the morning sun rises, chin up to see what's next, because if your busy looking down, you're missing the joys ahead. So I say once more. Chin up.