"Hey, if I held a gun to your head, what would you say?"

These kinda questions were always asked when the two of us stayed awake just a little too late.

She didn't think long before answering, a sly grin creeping along her face.

"I don't know, but I bet I'd look good with a bullet through my head," She smirked, leaning back against the wall, her feet dangling off my bed.

"Oh, come on. Try harder!" I laughed, throwing a pillow her way.

I missed, but she grinned, grabbing it and pulling it to her chest.

"I dunno. Seriously?"

"yeah, seriously."

"Huh. Well, I guess I could say 'hey, let me do it for you.' or I would say please. Or I would tell you to look at the moon, so that the man you see in the face if the moon will always be mine. Or I'd say thank you, so that you wouldn't grieve to hard-,"

"One thing, Reese, one thing. You have just a few words and they could be the difference between life and death, and I've got the trigger."

"Well I guess you'll have to wait and find out. When you try to kill me, of course," She rolled her eyes. Reese was the sarcastic one. I was the dramatic one. That's one reason we're such good friends, I think.

"When pigs can fly," She mumbled, leaning her head back against the wall, closing her eyes.

"Hey have you heard of the Zombie Drug?" I swiveled around on my chair, staring at my phone.

"Another one?" Pebble said, overlapping with Lucy as she said "what?" Their voices crackling through the computer's speakers.

"Are you watching the reel I sent you earlier?" Reese laughed, dumping more dye on her brush.

"Yeah, I looked it up. There's this drug up north people are getting addicted too. It eats their flesh and everything." I scrolled through the headlines on my phone. How have I not heard of this? It must've gotten drowned out by the guns and the trans-bans and book-bans and Global Warming.

"Wait seriously? I thought you were talking about the TLOU clip. Lemme look it up," Pebble's camera went dark as they switched to their browser.

"FUCK," Reese cursed, dropping her brush into the sink.

"You okay?" Lucy asked as Reese frantically scrubbed at her shirt.

"Noooo, I got bright red hair dye in my favorite shirt!" She groaned.

A video of a woman curled up in the bed of a truck.

"Next time you should wear a different shirt," Lucy scorned.

A man throwing himself into a bus.

"I'm not aboutta take my shirt off in front of you guys," she snapped back.

"Aw," I mumbled in response, chorusing with Lucy and Pebble.

A woman shaking, standing strangely in the middle of a road.

"Wait wait wait, any of y'all see the new Dungeons and Dragons movie?"

I looked up from my Zombie research.

"What? When?" Lucy, our DM, leaned into the screen, eyes alight with excitement.

"Omg, we should go see it together," Reese seemed to have gotten over the shirt, a bright pink blotch down the middle as she coated her hair in the greasy stuff.

"No, we should have another session- and you, Reese, should create a character," Pebble shook their head as Lucy and I jumped on board, trying to convince Reese to join one of our games. She just rolled her eyes and made more excuses that we all knew were bullshit.

I pulled up the trailer. It did look like a cool movie.

"You made it!" Lucy grinned when I collapsed into the desk beside her in the back of our first period class. Clock still read 8:00 am. I thanked Time for slowing down for me.

"Barely-," I wheezed, "I had to speed walk from the stop and almost got hit twice."

"You need to stop missing your bus," She teased, laughing at the angry look I shot her.

"Uh, yeah, I guess just start working on your presentations, their due Monday, you have the rubric...," our English teacher waved us off. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like teaching. Or kids. Or most literature.

We pulled out our computers and started adding quotes to our Cyrano presentation.

"Did you ever finish your lab pre-work?" Lucy asked as I flipped through the crackly old pages of "Cyrano de Bergerac".

"No," I shrugged.

"Here, I can handle this, you finish the Lab."

"You are literally a lifesaver, thank you," I immediately closed my computer and pulled out my lab book, frantically copying the background and procedures.

After about 6 minutes, we broke our focus. Honestly, that's a little bit of a record, for us.

"You know what I was thinking about last night?"

"Your mom?"

I rolled my eyes, and continued anyway.

"This time next year, Reese and Pebble will be moving," I sighed, stretching my wrist.

"Noooo," Lucy groaned, "I don't wanna think about it."

"Yeah it's gonna suck. I'm gonna miss them," I mumbled. And I really was.

We fell silent.

"We should make it a habit to call every week, like we did last night," I suggested. Now that I didn't have a time lock, it'd be a lot easier for me to join.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Lucy agreed, scrolling through pictures of Roxane.

"Or maybe, they just don't go to college." I wondered sarcastically. Lucy jumped on the bit.

"Maybe we just run away and live in a van."

"Maybe we just forget civilization and travel the wilderness."

"Maybe the apocalypse happens and we survive together, rampaging and spreading anarchy with fire and ecoterrorism and democide."

I looked at my dear friend with concern.

She looked at me.

We burst out laughing. Our teacher came over to make sure we were working, keeping a sharp eye on us the rest of the period.

"Hey, you okay?" Pebble snapped me out of my reverie. We were at climbing- they'd finally return from their robotics competition yesterday.

To be honest, no. I wasn't okay. But I didn't want to make a big deal about anything. Not really.

"Just thinking," I threw out there. If they didn't want to know, they wouldn't ask. But if they did want to know...

"About..."

I looked at the clock. 8:00 pm.

"Do you wanna go get water? I'll tell you on the way," I nodded my head towards the training room.

"Sure," They shrugged.

Pebble told Coach where we were going- she didn't really care.

"So? Whatcha thinkin' about?"

Somebody yelled out in frustration, falling and hitting the mats. He laughed as he got up.

"I went to this grand opening for a mural that was redone over at Williams Park-,"

"I don't know where that is."

"Uh, it's downtown. First City Park of St.Pete. But anyway it was a little memorial of a homeless lady who feeds the birds. It was cool and all, but I was kinda zoning out when one woman started talking about her dogs. Thats when we heard the yelling."

"Yelling?" They held the training room door open for me. I waited for them before I continued walking.

"Yeah, I mean it's downtown. A lot of people are out of it. Sometimes it can get dangerous. But I was in a large group of people. I just kinda stood closer to Cosi-,"

"Cosi was there?"

"Yeah, and so was my mom. When the yelling got closer she picked her up."

"Who was yelling?" we got to the water fountains. I went first. The training room water is always the coldest.

"I didn't know at first, and I only got a glance. Usually it's habit to just keep ignoring them, don't look, don't make eye contact, but suddenly he was right behind me, and everyone looked back for a second." I paused.

"He was an old man, in a wheelchair. Looked homeless. It wasn't angry yelling, Peb, he was heartbroken and- and when I understood what he was saying..."

"What was he saying?" They urged me on.

"He said, 'My sister, my sister died, my sister died on 34th. my sister died on 34th and the police don't give a fuck!' but it sounded more like ma thiher da ohn durhe do thee ahna folee doh gi ah Foh! which is why it took me forever to figure out what he was saying. I don't even think most people were trying to understand. Luckily, another woman and a man spoke to him. They left him alone though. he wheeled his way past me, to the front, wailing one more time before stopping and wheeling away.

"I wish I could've done something, pebble, I wish I did anything besides ignore him and cry. I wish I could do something. But I didn't. I just looked forward and watched a lady talk about her dog while several city council matters nodded their heads and ignored with me, and I just clapped when everyone else clapped."

I stopped, blinking back tears, scoffing at how easy it was to do so. Was I really just as careless? Was it so hard to empathize with another human being? Was it so easy to justify my apathy?

"Whoa," Pebble reacted pretty appropriately.

"Yeah."

He started walking towards the door. I followed.

"Charlie! Pebble! What are y'all doing?" Coach yelled at us when we left the training room.

"Your mother," I mumbled. Pebble laughed.

"We were getting water," They supplied, appeasing our Coach.

"Yeah? Get on the wall! we've got thirty minutes left! Climb something!"

"Yes ma'am!" I saluted, turning the corner. I didn't think about the man for awhile after that.

"He hates me," I decided, tossing my phone onto the pile of clothes in front of me.

"He doesn't hate you," Reese assured, probably rolling her eyes as she perched on the chair behind me. She was staying the night, and I was sorting my clothes, seeing which ones got to meet Goodwill and which ones I still needed.

I was also texting my crush.

"He hasn't responded yetttt," I whined, pressing my head into her legs. I'd spent so long figuring out how to respond to his dry-ass text. Maybe too long. Maybe he was weirded out by me. Maybe I should give up.

"You literally texted him two seconds ago. Chill," She laughed, wiggling her toes on my neck. I cringed away.

"You weirdo," I pouted. She laughed.

I checked my phone again.

"See? still no response."

"Check the actual app. The notification doesn't always go through."

"Yeah, right."

I'm pretty sure I heard her roll her eyes that time.

"Oh wait," I shot up, seeing his message. "He responded two minutes ago!"

I turned, grinning at Reese. She smiled at my excitement, shaking her head.

I put my phone down and started sorting through my clothes again.

"What'd you say?" She nudged, thirsty for details.

"Hm? Oh, nothing, yet."

"You hypocrite."

"What am I supposed to say!?" I laughed, throwing a sock at her face. It hit it'd mark, dead-on.

"Ladies!" My mom yelled from her room. The walls were a little too thin here. She might've been across two closed doors on the other side of the house, but I heard her clear, crisp voice as though it was right in my head. "Quiet down!"

"Didja finish the Scorsese assignment?" Lucy asked when I sat down.

I gave her a look. She grinned.

"Yeah, me neither. Did you get your phone taken away again? You weren't answering my texts this morning..."

I rubbed my eyes. I woke up at like, 6:45ish, walked to the bus, got on the bus, got off the bus, walked to school. It was a very autopilot kinda situation that didn't necessarily require me to "wake up." Speaking to Lucy did.

"Uh, yeah," I finally answered.

"What'd you do this time?" she scolded. Thank god I wasn't on my cycle. I probably would've snapped or something.

"She read the Discord," I pulled out The Lord of The Flies which we were supposed to have read the first chapter of. I had about 5 minutes. I flipped to page 3, letting Autopilot answer Lucy's never ending interrogation. Skip that paragraph, skip that page. Skip that paragraph- go back, there was something important there...

"What are you doing May 1st?"

"I dunno."

"Well I've got that concert at the palladium..."

"Oh?"

"I've definitely told you about it before."

Who's Jack again? Go back a page.

"Probably."

"Can you make it?"

"Sure, I've been tryna hang out in that part of downtown a lot more recently."

"Oh? Already memorized the rest of St.Pete?"

Where'd that pig come from? Oh, who cares.

"Nah, Apparently they have a library there, so..."

"Of Course. What's it-,"

"Okay! We're gonna go ahead and get started on presentations!" Our teacher silenced the room with a loud clap. "So please put your books away! We'll go over that at the end of class. Pay attention! Be a respectful audience!"

I put my book away.

"Come on, Gabi!" Tears in my eyes, cheering her on was the only way I was gonna keep going. This stupid, stupid route, I'd chosen to climb it last second. Pebble respectfully declined and sat on the ground, while Gabi and I picked routes right next to each other.

I started to have a panic attack just before the second clip. And that's what made this route so hard. It would've been easy had I not been struggling to keep my heartbeat slow, my breathing in check.

It was easier at the YMCA, when I had hours alone in a room with one small wall.

It was easier when I wasn't so scared.

It's weird- I'm supposed to be the fearless one. I'm supposed to be the one that climbs to the highest branches in a tree, the one that's taken the most falls, the one that talks to strangers. I'm supposed to be the one that gets lost on purpose, the one who has no idea where she's going, and doesn't give a shit, as long as she knew where she came from.

But I'm also the one who has panic attacks. And they were usually inconsistent and random, about stupid stuff like Global Warming or the AI Takeover or the feeling of total abandonment, but never about something like this, like falling. And never so many times, triggered by the same activity.

I was about to give up, to ask my belayer to bring me down, to tell her that I was scared, that I couldn't breathe right.

"Come on, Charlie!" She shouted. "Trust those feet! Come on!"

I couldn't be that loser who kept giving up. I wanted to be like Gabi, who was audibly grunting, and cussing out the wall. Who kept at it. Who begged us to come down here. The person I was at one point. The person I wanted to be.

"Encourage each other! Come on!" Our coach yelled from below.

"You got it, Gabi! Come on!" I yelled to the girl hanging about four feet away from me.

"Yeah Charlie, you got this!"

That's what ultimately got me up the wall, albeit slowly. My legs were shaking and my fingers ached like shit. I'd never sweat so much in my life, and I've camped without AC in a Florida summer. Gabi got me through it.

Pebble had waited below the entire time.

"Took you long enough," they grinned.

I kicked them in the shin.

"He's writing music now?" Reese laughed at my pain. I gave up gatekeeping my life from my ex weeks ago. I thought that I might be making problems where there were done, and ignored the way he was suddenly interested in every. Single. Thing. I mentioned.

"Is it good?" Lucy asked. Pebble sat there, smiling at our conversation, looking at some book they were reading. They'd been there when we found out about this new development at climbing the day before.

"I dunno, he hasn't released anything yet," I shrugged, as though I wasn't bothered. Stupid habits. "I swear to God, though, if he does I'm gonna scream. I've been working on getting shit released for years now. He got into it... I dunno, yesterday??? But he's rich, so.."

They just laughed, giving me the space to continue my rant.

"...And is it good? I had a nightmare about that last night! And in the nightmare, the song wasn't bad, but it wasn't good, and Lucy, you were there, and you were looking at me, cause you didn't wanna say that it wasn't bad, but I was like, crying. Literally. I don't know why it would bother me so much, like, I seriously thought I was at a higher mental level, but ughhhhhh," I groaned. It hurt to admit that I was in the wrong, but I couldn't deny the way I felt, and I couldn't help but justify my feelings. If my ex-boyfriend released a song before I did, I would be livid.

"I had a nightmare about my stepdad coming back," Reese cut in. I fell silent.

"Oh shit. what was it about?" Lucy asked.

Pebble, on the other hand, burst out laughing.

"Nightmares about your ex writing a bad song versus nightmares about your stepdad coming back," They summarized, as if we didn't get the Irony. I love my friends. "Two types of people.

Reese, Lucy and I started laughing along, because it really was true. and laughing was the best medicine for depression, as they say.

Or a great way to pretend that you're okay, to ignore everything.

"Nonono, be sad. This is a sad thing. You are sad," Pebble interrupted, referring to Reese.

"I'm not sad!" She laughed.

"There's a difference between being happy, and being happy as a coping mechanism to cover up your sadness. You don't have a choice, you're sad."

"Pebble. You're like, never sad. Like, I feel like you never show what you're feeling," I pointed out.

"Yeah, like anytime Reese says anything about her trauma you're just like, 'L, Sucks to suck!" Lucy picked up where I left off, greatly misinterpreting my observation.

"Yeah, you wanna know why?" Pebble countered.

"Enlighten me," She shot back.

"Twice I showed sympathy, and both people confessed that they had a crush on me later in the year. Not to connect dots or anything but.... And anyway, I didn't wanna risk it."

There was a pause as we let their words sink in.

"You think I could ever have a crush on you?" Reese snapped back first.

"Yeah, I mean honestly. I am offended," Lucy started cracking up. None of us were gonna say what we all knew- every single one of us had a crush on them at one point.

"Well, I- ughhhhh," Pebble groaned.

"No, seriously," Reese cocked her head, showing the sass we all knew so well. I jumped in, coming to Pebble's defense. Kind of.

"Their just trying not to dig a deeper hole for themselves," I motioned digging with my hands.

"What she said," Pebble sighed, rubbing their eyes. Definitely did not sign up for this.

"No please, Dig the hole! I'll toss you a ladder!" Lucy shot back. Lucy came the closest to confessing.

"No, you'd throw the dirt back in and bury me alive," Pebble retorted.

Unfortunately that's where the wordplay ended.

"Impressive," yup, that's me: The Mediator. "I love how deep we got."

"Oh guys, I gotta go, Mom's coming," Reese whispered. We barely got out our goodnights before she hung up.

"Yeah, I should probably go too," I checked the time. 8:30 pm. Perfect.

"Okay, Byeeeee," Pebble waved.

"Goodnight, I'll miss youuuuu," Lucy stuck out her bottom lip.

"I'll miss you guys, too," I rolled my eyes. "Don't stay up to late! Bye!"

I hung up to their protests, smiling.

"Do you like mushrooms?" Eulera, one of our many little cousins, ran up to me and my sister as we lounged on the porch, eating our dinners. Potatoes, salad, and steak with sauteed mushrooms. Extra special for our cousins, who'd come down from Chicago for a couple days.

"I LOVE mushrooms," I answered. I really did. "I'm like a hobbit, I just shovel them into my mouth." She was probably too young to get the reference, but she smiled politely. Then she turned to my sister, crossing her arms expectantly.

"Honestly, not a huge fan," she shrugged.

"Oh," Our little cousin stood there, looking at us.

"What about you? Do you like mushrooms?" My sister wasn't usually the one to encourage conversation, or human interaction, for that matter, but she made an effort for family. As she should. I was proud, nonetheless.

"I don't like them, but if I had to either eat them or die, I'd eat them," She responded thoughtfully.

"Oh," My sister laughed, "well, yeah, in that case-,"

"Eulera! Did you get water?" My aunt called from inside.

"Coming!" the little girl ran inside, her silvery blonde curls bouncing behind her.