Feelings

churn

deep in my stomach

(away from my heart).

And sometimes

they bubble up

(begging to escape)

b u r n i n g

all of my tender flesh.

My feelings are acidic monsters

that terrorize my body

into convulsions.

(why can’t they just go away?)

But no matter how far I push them down

they always

find their way

back up

into

a messy

e x p l o s i o n.

Of course, I'm doing okay!

Why wouldn't I be?

I'm me!

The always happy, always optimistic ball of energy!

I'm not sad! I'm never sad! I can't be sad!

I'm as happy as could be!

Of course, I'm telling the truth!

No, I really am telling the truth.

Stop pushing it.

I don't want to talk about it.

You wouldn't understand.

You never do.

No one ever does.

And that's fine.

I know I'm cursed in that way.

At least I can talk to myself about it.

Cause I won't judge me.

So just drop it, okay?

I told you I'm fine.

That's the only answer you're going to get from me,

because I can't explain any of my other answers.

Like I said,

you wouldn't understand.

So just take my word for it:

I'M FINE.

How am I depends

on who’s asking.

If its me,

in one of my

Self pep-talks:

Ah, I am fine!

I got this;

I always do.

If its you:

I am devastated.

Completely

Fading

Into

An

Eternal

Darkness.

"How are you ?" my sister asks inspecting through a video camera my obvious black eye.

"Oh walked into a door again." I fabricate , smiling down the video lens with an another obviously feeble lie.

"You need to get out of there." She says with so much concern in her voice it makes me want to cry.

"I'm fine." I reply even though yesterday I was so beaten and broken, it made me want to die.

-How are you

Well, I feel like I’m drowning

But there’s no water around me

I guess I’m just overthinking

Pretty much everything.

Truth is I’m trying to use my voice

But I’m not really sure how

I mean I’ve practically been silent

My whole life now

It’s getting really hard to breath

Like if my lungs ran out of air

But yes I’m smiling

Not like you really care

I feel like leaving, running

From everything I know

Maybe if I left I’d find myself

Somewhere on the road.

But of course I won’t answer that

Instead I’ll answer what they all say,

- I’m fine

~ that’s a lie by the way

I don't know, I guess you could say I'm holding up.

I've never craved alcohol before 10am before and that's been

great,

craving what I can't have

I haven't had a man touch me in god knows how long,

and god knows

when that will next be

F*ck, I haven't even been hugged in that long

I cook to fill the void

I eat to fill the void

Avoiding lines at the grocery store because we're all,

in the end,

testing positive

It's a test, to see when I'll crack

One month to go and

I'm talking to my stove.

I called to check up on my annuity with Prudential. The young man said, "You said you were a nurse. How is it going where you are?"

Suddenly my chin began to quiver. My voice changed to this raspy laryngeal tightened tearful talk. I told the young man I'd had a meltdown yesterday and apologized for obviously busting out in tears on the phone. I explained the hospital has asked me to come out of psychiatry and use my med/surg ICU skills as they are transforming the third floor into a "Covid Unit." I explained my fears of not having N-95's and that I was being morally challenged and afraid. I then explained how the Vet won't see my dog because I'm a nurse.

The prisons here are tripling their positives including gaurds who have quit. My unit gets their mentally ill ones, both facilities ignoring the governor's orders not to transfer and they are doing it without testing.

My cousin is a nurse who's sister asked her to leave. She then went to a friend who would not let her stay so she is moving in with me today.

He was so kind to me (which made me cry again). He told me how much I was needed and thanked me.

Thanks Jim!

As you are aware that due to quarantine everyone has got time for their hobbies amidst their busy lives. And so my sister realized her potential talent of accusing blame on me for stealing her clothes. As mentioned in day 2, she is an expert at digging into my things. Today she found her clothes in my closet.

Sameera, 11years exclaimed(in fact shouted)."This was my cold shoulder top and how dare you steal it.

She was handcuffed and announces guilty. She was taken to Super Judge my mom.

Samina, 15 years, gave her sentence that borrowing stuff isn't called as stealing.

Before the judge could announce anything. Samina escaped and then began the wars. And my sister's specialty is unfolding my secrets in front of my mom when she is angry. (I know you all might visualize this scene if you have younger siblings.)

The best thing about fights is a guilty pleasure of troubling your sibling.

It's funny.

Other people are miserable.

Missing their friends.

Missing their freedom.

I'm not.

Maybe it is because I never had any?

It doesn't matter...

Stuck in the house, I am not missing anything.

Most of my life I have always stayed in my house.

I'm not missing anything.

I'm not craving the dazzling sunlight.

Or the sweet fresh air.

Nor the random interaction with people who I hoped and prayed would be my friend.

Honestly, I can't say if I'm doing good.

'Cus I don't know if my normal is good.