because i’d hoped it would be as simple

as waking up one morning with both feet steady on the ground

sunlight leaking in, spilling clarity into every corner of our canvases

birds chirping in a rehearsed symphony, the breeze delivering its soliloquy

i epiphanize on balconies with my lover and we breathe in the saccharine summer

but in keeping things bottled up i’ve learned that

there is an art in orchestrating peace amongst chaos —

there may be no overarching theme to life but cyclical givings and takings

a crescendoing gain, a cacophonous loss

and as mad as it sounds, serenity can co-exist with agony.

when i absorb news cycles, i do it with misplaced pride —

i let the horrors bore into my eyes, the static enmesh in my mind

and in this hollow home, compartmentalizing quickly becomes second nature

drawers bursting with secrets, shelve any sign of weakness

with practice, staccato sounds eventually fade into the background.

so 18 is when i wait for serenity to arrive and this time it looks a little different

it looks like work leave, graduating poly, conversations over coffee,

smaller moments where i let the peace seep in

and it’s a lot more terrifying, reaching out for a more modest dream

of knowing serenity can simply sound like every resilient respite, sinking in.

__________

- poly is short for polytechnic, a type of tertiary education that focuses on preparing students for the workforce in specialised fields, i.e. where i’m at. one final semester to go before i graduate next April :)

Maybe it's the notion that it feels right. Maybe it's the fact that if I don't have it, life goes by too fast. Some people think life is a race, get to the end first, make the most money, be the prettiest person, change yourself into what you should be. And yet, those people disappear. Who gets remembered? Is it that model from 30 years ago? Or that person who won a war with nonviolence? The truth is, none of that matters, you don't need to change yourself to be perfect, you don't need to be remembered to be good enough. Maybe that is what brings me peace. Or maybe, we only know so much. How do we know that this is what peace is like? How do we know that there isn't a higher level? How do we know that we know anything? Well, we don't. The truth is that we can only imagine, we can only hope to be able to grasp something true when life doesn't make any sense. Some people will ask me how I can be calm when the world is facing this pandemic, climate change, etc. it's simple really, you just need peace. I could say that being content in silence brings me peace, or it just comes and goes. But the truth is, it has always been there, like happiness, or hope, there is never a time in my life where I have been so low that there is not some part of me where there is still some hope, there has not been a time in my life that I have been so scattered there is not any part of me that can feel peace. So what brings me peace? The same thing tha tbrings it to you. Peace is in all of us, it can strengthen us, it can bring us together. It is one of the strongest things you have, and the beauty of it, is that it has been with you all along.

Peace to me, is beautiful silence after a stressful day. Peace to me, is my soul enjoying life without a care in the world. No hate, no sadness, all negativity flushed out. A time when my body, mind, and soul are at equilibrium. Music is my saving grace. When I feel lost and my demons torment me... I grab my earbuds or I wait to be all alone in the house, and you best believe I turn that stuff up!!!!!!!! The feeling of hearing something you love and can connect with, and it's just you or with a friend, it's exhilarating. I can feel my feet and hands moving on their own, sometimes the kitchen becomes a rock concert or the saddest thing on the face of The Earth. Don't get me started on the couch and all that empty space to fill up with my imagination. Simply by renewing for about five minutes does the trick for me. Another thing that brings me peace is mother nature. Sometimes I just stare out the window and watch the trees sway in rhythm with the wind or, the heavy rain accumulating on the driveway. Many times I just take a stroll and look at the beautiful flowers growing. Even squirrels figthing can bring me peace... Without peace, I would be nothing but a bubbling pot of anger, hatred, and sadness. So much happens in so litte. Without a break or something to renew hope with, would be living a meaningless life. One without me and me desires. I need peace in order to say, “This is my life” and to keep trying and trying at this life that never seems to improve.