I saw the light... and I wish I had never known such pain.

I remember my home- swooping walls of granite, lit by crackling firelight, beautiful forms dancing across the walls.

My friends and I, we'd sit and watch these elusive, fluttering, creatures. Give them names. There were only three of us, but the words that spilled from our lips created an entire world.

We knew this process was only a distraction, from the chains that circled our feet and cut into our wrists. But with each new title we conjured- paperwing, skyreacher, tuskmilion- our chains melted away. Their scorching metal became a distant echo.

We didn't really know how we'd arrived in this place, it seemed that we had been here since the beginning of time itself, unchanging. We had the power to manipulatte and mold this place, because the rest of the world was born from us.

But one day- a click. My chains rattled to the floor, settled in the powdery dust. The other two stared at me. The chains had always been part of our existence, what was I now?

I turned. There was a faint glow on the other end of the cave. I staggered toward it.

The others called out to me. "Don't go! Your world is here, do not leave this place."

But I was deaf to their words. I crawled out, abandoning everything I had grown to love and care for.

In the second the light hit my lids, something changed, shifted.

I knew too much.

In childhood evil is potent but swift.

Your mind makes a stable reality rift,

nailing doors in which darkness contains feeling fingers.

Repressed monsters flourish where innocence lingers,

remembered in nightmares; recurring in dreams

where trusting giggles break into pilfered screams...

It’s only a dream,

Fear convinces the soul,

For such things cannot happen and leave someone whole.

Then grown, you get lost in a sullen despair

When the nightmares return of that soul-stripping stare,

And the light shines too bright on contemptible truth

Retold by a witness too young.

Too young to stop it, or help it, or know.

So shocked, now you dwell; your feared ruin confirmed

By the memories now vivid; the fingers that wormed.

Such thoughts repel sanity.

Upwards you plea.

For how could something like this be?

And how can trusting hearts break free

to ever trust again?

Years later, life has tried to mend,

With laugh and grit and twist and bend

Yet still

First lust from gentle lover makes your body tremble.

And all you say are ”...don’t know why...”s

when tears beset your open eyes

For,

how can any link be made ’twixt his love and your damage?

...

Then finally you find the words

To tell him:

all I need is time

to separate fear from sublime

love-touches that can now be mine

through earnest fellow yearnings.

When I was young, my life was dull. Nothing grand ever happened. I was never really social back then. I always wanted something fun but never got it. The most exciting thing I ever did was play around with a couple of kids.

My "exciting" time ended when I entered high school. Halfway through, I had forgotten what it felt to be excited. The thrill, the adrenaline. This led to depression. Back then, it was looked down upon for men to "have mental issues" and all you had to do was "man up". I could tell no one for I feared I would be ridiculed. I just wanted a light. A bright, glimmering, shiny light. One bright enough to turn the night into day.

A few weeks later, my wish came true. It was in the morning, but the sky was dark. A bright, light appeared out of nowhere. My eyes were wide with amazement. Then it stopped. It disappeared. "No matter," I said. I could feel the adrenaline in my veins. Less than a couple seconds later, it came back. But it was much brighter than before. I saw the light... and I wish I had never known such pain. Everything before me was enveloped in light. In a beautiful light. As the light came closer, my life flashed before my eyes. I remembered this previous year. This past year, 1945, was one that was most dull. At least this year ended with my wish coming true. I found the light.