I hate it.

I hate it so much.

No matter the place, no matter the time, as soon as I hear those lyrics...

"Hope dangles on a String."

I am sixteen again.

For the first and last time, I am in love.

"Like slow-spinning redemption."

You're working the ticket booth.

I know you work there, but I didn't expect to see you.

"Winding in and winding out."

I hide behind a pillar.

I see you every day in school, but this is different.

"The shine of it has caught my eye."

You are Mary Jane, I am forever your Peter Parker.

So many things I want to say...

"And roped me in."

It's almost unbearable, this feeling.

Intoxicating. All consuming. Divine.

"So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing."

You are, for better or worse, the standard by which all others are judged.

Sometimes I wish that wasn't the case.

"I am captivated."

Years went by, but finally, I told you everything.

We shared kisses, embraces, and a bed.

"I am."

I knew from the moment I saw you, you would be trouble.

Joy, heartbreak, happiness, bitterness, and sorrow.

"Vindicated."

#Poetry #Love #Challenge.

Link to song with translation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3yyfZNHTls

This song resonates with me because it sings about everything I want to say without the words sounding meaningless and for nought. As the artist's name suggests, it's a non-English song sung by Hatsune Miku, a Vocaloid (a digital voice synthesizer). I know that the translation doesn’t do the Japanese lyrics justice, but I still teared up because it was honest in the way that I couldn't be. I don't think I will ever be able to explain what this song is about, so I'll just let the lyrics speak for me and write a conclusion. (lyrics are written in the format presented in the video)

Lyrics:

'Who the heck really thinks a song like this can fill up your oozing,

corroded scars... Even if I held you close and screamed out, nothing, in reality would change.

Songs sung screaming recklessly, all they

really do is clear my own mind for a moment.

I think what I really wanted was sympathy, but I did want to save you too...

I am powerless, I am powerless, I am powerless, I am powerless, I am powerless.'

'"I was saved by you" or "I started to think I wanted to live after all"

...Ah, I see. But it's yourself you should be thanking for changing. Good for you.'

'I, of living flesh, wanted to be your god.'

'Even if I hold you close, and scream, it won't change the fact that you're in pain.

Songs screamed sloppily, I don't actually like them either

I think what I really wanted was sympathy, but I can't save anyone with that'

'I just want to sing a song that will save someone.

I want to sing a song that will protect someone.

I want to sing a song that will save you.

But it's impossible,

I know you can be happy, of your own accord, through your own means'

'... I want to scream for you, of your scars your pain, everything.

But you know, in the end you are strong. Surely you can

face forward all on your own... and that's fine by me

But maybe, where there comes a time where you start to cry,

let me sing all your pain, your hardships, your weaknesses,

your heart -- with my powerless, incompetent, dirtied song.

I am powerless, I am powerless, I could not become god.

I am powerless, I am powerless.

With this powerless song I want to save you, but'

'I want to be your god'

That was the last line of the song. I guess the reason why this made me tear up was because it was very honest and relatable. As a user here on Prose, I had hoped that my writing would help someone and anyone who's suffering. I guess I was also looking for sympathy, someone who shares the same pain, or simply trying to sympathise with the people who share the same troubles with posts that weren't based on my experiences; 'but I did want to save you too'. What I'm trying to say is, I hoped to give someone else the will to live even while I myself was in pain, even though I know that it won't change anything or anyone. I can't relief them of their pain, I can't solve their problems and I definitely can't save anyone. 'I am powerless' because I can't make anyone happier; you have your own ways of making yourself happier, but if you fall into a slump again, I'd like to do anything in my power to console you even if it doesn't solve anything.

In the whirlwind of past and present, a dash of future thinking, perhaps we are trying to find our way back to memories that make us who we are. A reflection, but more than that, a baptism by fire in which we rose from the ashes.

At twenty, I should have been an adult. Lights brought me back to where I should have been.

Lights by Ellie Goulding is a pop song puntuated by synthetic undertones and light lyrics. I have always been embarrassed by my taste in music, how pop-y and simple I like my songs. But this song reminds me of a too-hot summer, long walks down winding suburban roads and crushing depression. I romanticize this particular summer. I was too young to be that sad, listening to this song on repeat while my world shimmered in gasoline puddles and total oblivion.

My mother had essentially kicked me out. July is a hot month in New England, but that summer we reached a new record of 95 plus degree heat that lasted for weeks. As my body attempted to sweat out emotional toxins, my life came to a head. My friend took me in.

I have written poems and prose about this young woman; I am getting a tattoo this year of a tattoo she had. Fly Free. Black birds that swallowed her wrist. I need alone time, and Lights blared in my headphones while I took walks around her suburban neighborhood, the lushness of it all taking me back to the future, where I would eventually crave the sadness, the realness of being completely alone in the world.

When her brother texted me to tell me she’d died a summer later, I was well on my way to a newer, better me. But why want to leave that previous summer behind? Lights still lingered in my headphones, a reminder that while we move forward, we can’t forget the summers that make us.

When I publish my first book someday, I want these lyrics to be on the first page, an introduction to my fate:

“You show the lights that stop me turn to stone

You shine them when I’m alone

And so I tell myself that I’ll be strong

And dreaming when they’re gone”

So simple, yet an effective way of remembering simpler, poignant times. Flames to ashes, a person remembered, always.

smells have sounds, sounds have smells.

~sound-smells capture memories.

Coins - stuck with sun-baked spilled cola

mingled with

Deodorant - lemongrass and vanilla-rose,

trying futilely to obfuscate

Fresh sweat - salty, divine.

Pixies play “hey” on the compact disc

While the vehicle purrs vibrations...

I wonder sometimes,

Whether back then you felt that same connection,

Or if you just wanted release.

I never have the gall to ask

On the days when the question is in me -

Days I’m not myself;

Consumed by melancholic madness -

...And yet

You look up from your book,

With a love-dirtied glance

And I think you must hear it too -

That song,

The one we haven’t heard in years,

Straining to be noticed

Amongst the neighbor’s eclectic mix -

And maybe my senses deceive me;

Perhaps it’s a different song.

And maybe I’m deluding myself;

Perhaps you never felt it.

But even so,

Vanilla-Cola-Coins will always sound like

Those heart-strumming bass lines of

Desperately longed for ecstasy,

In the movie theatre parking lot

Where we were not patrons.

And that song will always smell like

That place we escaped to,

Where we became chained;

Irreparably, exultantly chained.

~

“Hey” by the Pixies:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVCUAXOBF7w

i’m okay

when i woke up today i felt afraid

but now

things are looking up but

i’m still tired of hiding because

i want a love like this

where we tag-team

on everything

somehow

even with our differences

we’re in perfect harmony

and i’m okay

because i’m making friends and

more than friends

and even though

my mom doesn’t know

because i lied

she doesn’t know that i’m anything but

straight

i’ll be okay

i’ll be alright

i just want someone

to remind me

that life is not just today

that there is hope beyond this moment

and i am more than where i am right now

and that i will be alright

i will be okay

inspired by “it won’t be me” by tom rosenthal

"I just came here to the party for the drugs." *

radio dial pause

what?

"I'm not tryna make a friend or fall in love." *

why

why do my ears perk at this?

"Not here for nameless faces, pointless talkin', conversations" *

gods

yes

I relate to this and I've never even done drugs...

because really -

I just came here for the

stories

laughter

sugar

sex

bacon

chatter

gaming

decks

(hugs)

hugs

(hugs)

hugs

(hugs)

I just came here for the -

<3

*"Drugs" by Upsahl

Emotional Numbness.

Emotion Provoking.

Loud Words.

Words With Meaning.

Feeling of Safety.

Never Secure.

Chest Heaving.

Lack of Air.

Drips of Salt.

Heavy Feeling.

Song of Choice: Digital Disguise by Sea of Tranquility

The average American spends more than five hours on their phone every day, checking it approximately fifty-eight different times. This song reminds me of how we can allow the beauty of technology and the information it brings us to take away from living life. Instead of living in the moment, we spend the moment checking social media for how our lives compare with others. When I listen to this song, I remember to be authentic, open, and present.

One of my favourite songs to jam out to with my daughter is Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall." When I was younger I love it because it pissed my teachers off. And it was good stoner music. But as I listen to the song now. It really makes a lot more sense as an adult.

Most of my time in school (I imagine many have had a similar experience) was spent preparing to get a job. Whether that job is what I wanted to or would've even been good at it, seemed irrelevant to my teachers. Everything in school happened so fast. I was always doing a test, studying for a test, playing sports, or doing some other school activity. That I never stopped to ask myself. "What do I really want out of life?"

I think that's a question that isn't really encouraged (at least not in my school). Too often it seemed like everyone had an opinion about me and my talents. Or just wanted to live vicariously through me. As if my teachers or family could rewrite their own mistakes and regrets.

When I listen to that song and sing it with my daughter as I'm dropping her off for kindergarten. I think to myself that everyone seemed to want me to fit into their idea of how the world should be. To make me just another brick in the wall.

That's not what I want for her. I don't want her to ever feel like she has to conform to someone else's standards or ideas. Not even me.

So when we both laugh and sing "Hey! Teach! Leave those kids alone!" I am hoping to help her develop an indomitable spirit in her. That teaches her not to just be a background character in her own life.

As the great Willian Ernest Henley said in his poem Invictus:

"It matters not how straight the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul."