Job Interviews

"So, what do you do for a living?"

"Oh, I'm an office worker. I just sit in a cubicle all day, look over spreadsheets to make sure there's no error, and pour the boss coffee whenever he demands it. What about you?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. I just sit in a lair all day, look over my spy cameras to make sure that my minions are not befriending the hero, and pour myself a cup of tea whenever I run out."

"That sounds... pretty boring, actually."

"Yeah, I know. I am the most feared villain in this part of the... what did you say?"

"I say that your job sounds like it sucks." The civilian takes a sip of his coffee. "Don't villains usually come up with intricate plans to rob a bank, or run an underground cartel, or order assassins on the hero, or anything cool like that?"

"You make it sound so easy." The villain shakes his head. "Do you think my lair cleans by itself? Every day, my idiotic minions would do all kinds of things with trash besides throwing them away. They would fold classified documents into origami and throw them across the room, take pot shots at the waste basket, or write secret love notes to pass them around."

"You know, that sounds like exactly what happens in my office." The civilian goes to the coffee machine, which has a huge block of rubble crashed into it. "Too bad that everyone is dead now. I really can't believe that you ordered an attack on this building, caught the hero by his neck, only for the hero's friend to revive through the power of friendship, erupting another explosion that ripples through the building, makes you drop the hero into safety, while you yourself gets trapped under a rubble alongside me."

"Oh, shut up! You're just a plain office worker. You wouldn't...sniff...know what it's like." The villain is on the verge of tears. "Do you know how much time I spent making this plan? Months! For the last 6 months, I have been taking intel on your company. I know that this place is only used for buying and reselling bamboos, which the hero is weak to; I know that the hero passes by this place every 4 weeks because he needs to visit his family; I even know that your name is Jeff because I memorized everyone's name and face. And now, 6 months of work, all for naught...sniff..."

"Jeez, you're pathetic." Jeff, the office worker, takes another sip. "It sounds to me that you're a bit of a perfectionist, as well. Who would ever waste this much time to get something right. You're a villain! You ought to have fun in your job. If it fails, that's fine! Just as long as you have fun in the process!"

"But...sniff...if my plan fails, then my minions would hate me..."

"Idiot! Your minions already hate you for making them your minions!" Jeff shakes his head. "In fact, everyone in the world probably hates you right now."

"Then... what do you suggest?"

"Do what I do: whenever I get to my cubicle, I purposely make the spot as messy as possible to upset the next worker. Whenever I check my spreadsheet, I would purposely make some right values wrong so the next checker would have something to do. Whenever I pour coffee to my boss, I would mix milk with the coffee, even though my boss is lactose intolerant!"

"Jesus... You're fucking evil!"

"Says who?" Jeff takes a sip but stops. He looks at the villain, and the villain takes a look back.

"You know, my office could always use a perfectionist." Jeff says. "Absolutely nobody cares about the job, so error appears everywhere in the paperwork. If you work there, I'm sure you would get to the top in no time."

"Not a bad offer. I could also use a substitute in my lair. My minions are saying that I am only putting on a farce on how ruthless I am. Recently, some of them have gotten so bold that they are taking breaks without my approval."

"I actually don't have a family anymore. They all died from your last attack. Once our company's building is rebuilt, no one will notice if I am gone."

"I actually do have a loving, caring family, but they have been upset recently that I've turned to the dark side and refused to contact me anymore."

"..."

"..."

"Wanna switch?"

"Hell yeah!"

"What the fuck just happened?" Nieto was on the ground staring up at the underbelly of a mountain of rubble. His backpack had taken the brunt of the impact but his whole body still throbbed like he'd been trampled by the bulls. "That hurt like fuck."

"Kids your age really chouldn't be cussing like that," a gruff voice murmured.

Nieto looked to see the glaming red hood and long tail of La Kobra and yelped. He backed away towards the edge of the room. La Kobra turned and kinda smirtked. Long white fangs stopped at the crease of his chin.

"Relax kid. If I was gonna kill ya, I would've just let the building fall on you."

"You saved me? But I thought--"

"Yeah, yeah. El Toro," La Kobra said in a mocking voice. "Boy gets a little swole and acts like he can throw everyone around. I know I'm no cake walk but that asshole isn't the saint Valencia makes him out to be. The guy's a prick, trust me."

"But you murder people."

"Not everyone deserves to go to jail for their crimes. Sometimes, you just need to escore them to the pearly gates yourself." L aKobra paused for a second then continued. "Plus, I murder people who are assholes like me. You're like ten. Worst thing you could"ve done is ripped off your sister's Barbie doll head."

"So, I'm not gonna die."

"Well no one said that." La Kobra was looking around for something. "We are in a collapsed church basement being held by two joists and with no exits. We might not make it. But hey, if we die, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"If we die, when you get to heaven, find my Lara for me and tell her that her papa will always love her, will ya?"

"Um..." I heard crackling from a far off place. "Sure. Will do."