Loss
Over the years I have lost many things as you might expect of one whose years exceed his girth.
I have learned many things also along the way and feel therefore that this particular challenge might suit a man such as myself.
Nothing prepares you for loss, it is by its very nature a debilitating smack on the head that says clearly "Well, now then, you didn't see THAT coming did you, you spurious old fart!"
But, there are losses and there are losses and though they both appear so similar, they are chalk and cheese. I might lose a shilling and curse my luck, or I might lose a valued customer and who can fault me for either. But I digress so forgive my fancies. Down to business.
Your greatest loss will by all accounts be the loss of someone close to you, a parent or a sibling or (heaven forbid) a child. When such important lives are cut short it is indeed a blow, and it knocks you sideways I promise. At the time you are cut to the quick and a period of mourning is necessary for you to come to terms and rebalance your life, and it may take weeks or months, or even years. But get over it you must for nothing is more important than your own survival.
They say time heals all wounds - but it doesn't. That is a damned lie and I know it.
The truth is that you learn to live with it, your own life goes on and you learn to carry it about in your heart always. Sometimes, when I am alone and in the mood I open up to all my departed friends and family members and we sit down and have a good old chat, shed a tear and drink to the good times, then I pack them away again and head off to work. And you will too given time and circumstance.
I do suppose it can affect your mindset and bring about periods of depression or feelings of intense moroseness. We cruelly label these things as baggage, so unkind.
The loss of love is something else entirely and it is a double edged sword that leaves its mental scar on both persons involved. I have lost love so I do know of the unending search into the whys and wherefores. The browbeating and re-reading of love letters over and over in an ever decreasing circle as you desperately seek answers to that horrendous question why?
But there are no answers I'm afraid, you must simply move on. The best remedy that I know of for heartbreak is work and lots of it. Stay in the company of cheery souls as misery loves company.
Gosh, I have bored you for such a long time haven't I? Go on then kittens - run along now and have some fun, life is far too short not to.
Love life and death
If it is a break up - you find someone new who treats you better and you realize the relationship before was infatuation. Not love.
If it is friendship - you make new friends. Ones that will stick beside you through thick and thin. And you realize what real friendship is.
If it is death - I am sorry to say - you don't. Time may make it a bit easier but they will forever be an empty place in your heart.
You never truly get over losing someone. No matter how much time passes, that feeling of loss never quite goes away.
Sure, it does get easier to deal with after some time. But, there will be bad days, perhaps years after you lost someone. And on those bad days you'll remember all the good times you had with them. Then you'll remember they're gone, and it hurts just as much as it did when they left.
Time doesn't heal all wounds, it only makes them easier to bear. All you can do is to keep moving forward. Eventually, the time between bad days will get longer and longer, and it won't hurt so much remembering.
Loss
Loss is a natural way to grow,
If you do not lose you will not know.
Knowing is a truth that has to be told.
Knowing is being ready to accept,
being bold.
Getting over loss is acceptance.
Accepting that forever doesn't always exist.
Getting over loss is understanding.
Understanding that it isn't always going to be raining.
To get over loss you first accept, after you accept you can excel.
Excelling means going through natural healing.
Making you a
happy human being.
Disappear.
You get over someone you've lost when you have no choice. I had no choice to move forward, as when I uttered that familiar 3-word phrase it freaked out the man I loved and he disappeared. And actually, if I'm honest, I can't "explain" how to get over someone I've lost, as I'm not sure I've even done it in this particular case. When feelings are felt intensely, it's excruciatingly difficult to accept them and feel them for what they are and not ignore them. Ignoring feelings borders on numbness, and while I wished to death I could be numb, I believe feeling my feelings actually helped me accept things and grow and mature. I'm not fully over this man. He was everything I thought I wanted. If a soul-mate ever existed, he was it. Why, I'd ask myself, would God allow someone into my life who made so much SENSE, who fit me like a glove, only to have him retreat into his own personal Hell and push me away? Why did he leave? I don't know why it frustrates me to use cliches, as I know EVERYONE asks these questions when they lose someone they love (e.g. "why me?"). Probably because I wish to be unique and special and feel like my feelings are "more valid" because it happened to ME, which is incredibly arrogant and sounds very entitled. So I use big words and try to exaggerate my feelings to make my experience seem "more legit," (read: pride) when in reality this is a common experience and everyone has gone through it. It's part of being human. However, that doesn't make any single person's experience of loss of love unimportant. It doesn't lessen its utter brutality. Feelings are valid because they are felt, regardless of whether they are irrational or exaggerated or melodramatic. The very idea that feelings are shared among humanity despite each of their unique circumstances means that we are all in this together, which should bring us together all the more, and bring about a sense of cohesion to the human race in regards to love and loss. Retreating into my shell and being reclusive and unresponsive to friends is the worst thing I can do. I have to push through, to find ways to move forward and be the best version of myself I can be. I need to engage in radical self-care, help others, laugh more (as Anne Lamott states: "laughter is carbonated holiness"), and seemingly paradoxically, not take things too seriously, including life itself, while at the same time legitimizing my experience as "really real" and honoring the pain that is present in it at times. The worst pain that is felt, in my experience, has been this very thing. Lost love.
When someone disappears without a word, is silent, ignores your insistent pleas for reconciliation, it is probably the most dehumanizing thing one could do to someone. Even when love is lost, the fact that I loved someone should be a celebratory thing, regardless of the fact that it was unrequited. I loved someone, and love is what the world needs, whether returned or shunned or accepted. I should feel empowered that I had the strength and willingness and courage to love.
Even if that person who I showed loved to disappeared.