I’m not afraid.

Really.

But that big buggy on the wall isn’t helping.

Creepily waving hairy legs

Squinting beady eyes

Fat greenish brown body

Promising a squishy death

Disdain for the napkin that’s inching closer

Threatening

Don’t you dare.

Heart racing.

Close my eyes.

I can feel it.

Ewwwww.

No, I can’t do it.

You win.

********************************************************

Even though bugs are about 1000 times smaller than me, they have an aura of disgusting superiority and eyes that say, “I will haunt you for the rest of your life.” I can’t force myself to destroy them. Ugh.

I feel the presence behind me and whip around, immediately grabbing the person's wrist and snapping their arm down from my locker's magnets. "Stop."

Ashly smirks cockily. "Why?"

I pull myself up to my full height and glare down at her through my glasses. People think that you make yourself look cute and pretty if you look through your eyelashes.

Well, not for me.

That's my glare.

The famous glare that once made Daniel run across the school to avoid using the same staircase as me after he stole my pencil.

The glare that can make even the most stoic person lose it.

Ashly quickly withdraws her hand and backs away.

I turn back to my locker and continue searching for my books, humming.

______________________________________________________________

This is true~

I act all happy and stuff like that but if you piss me off, you're done for.

AS I SCREAM MYSELF TO SLEEP,

i try to think of the days when my skies weren't so gray.

YOU SAID YOU'D COME

and make the pain go away,

BUT I GUESS THAT YOU WERE LYING

cause you left the next day.

PLEASE COME BACK HOME

i'm all alone 'cept for daddy

AND HIS HANDS LIKE TO ROAM.

i need you here mommy,

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN STAND.

i'm worried that it'll soon be worse

THAN ONLY HIS HANDS.

i'm just so small compared to him

AND HE KNOWS IT TOO.

now i'm just left here wondering

IF HE DID THIS TO YOU.

he tells me that its all right

THAT ITS NO CAUSE FOR WORRY

but i don't understand how it couldn't be

CAUSE MY TEARS ALWAYS ARE MAKING MY SIGHT BLURRY.

i can't tell my friends cause he says

THAT THEY'LL JUST CALL ME NAMES.

i don't wanna be known as any of those things...

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M THE ONE TO BLAME.

please come back mommy...

Who doesn't love public speaking? Oh, none of you? What's the difference between it and a well rehearsed presentation of information to a friend? Probably the idea that it's open to more eyes, minds, ears, and mouths. In all actuality, the presentation of information is much more formal, dressed to impress, as is it's deliverer in the public sense. Although I always psych myself up before doing this, I always have a nervous reaction due in-part that the subconscious doesn't like it.

It's similarly displayed sometimes here, even if it is in writing. I walk in, with ideas and sometimes a completely blank slate, then present it to a room of savants and hope that I'm not going to the shredder or worse. I enjoy it when it's completed because it truly relieves the pressure that mounts in the mental and psychological build-up. I can't describe the release in terms that would give it accurate representation but I suppose maybe that it is represented similarly to a workout.

I usually will adhere to "tunnel vision" in this format because in trying to get too crazy (as if I weren't) I generally de-rail the thought's train. In reviewing the piece, I'll see this and know many things must be reconsidered or the jury of my peers will see it as a simple emptying of the mouth, and not a painting of the thought. My intimidation comes in knowing that it's going to take the combination of my strongest confidence and a deep dive into the pit of my brain's many trenches and valleys.

I do not apply the idea of "envisioning my audience in their underwear" , I really don't know how that idea ever even came about, perhaps as a way of saying they're all human? In either capacity , I know that I don't pitch my ideas to the uneducated or the unknowing. I like to think of myself in a lion, but in these areas there are prides determining if I'm fit to run with or if I merely present the prey they need to sustain their being and produce things far greater.

It's intimidating, it always has been. It is daunting, it will never change. I just...dig my feet in, grab my subject matter, and let it be known that I take it seriously and am able to integrate many ideas into more than just a blobby, blundering context.

I am not a professional. I am not an amateur. I believe that intimidation is a great means to find your best self and make your best work. If it was easy, everyone would do it. It is hard, hence, sometimes glass is broken and sometimes diamonds are formed from its pressure.

Christi and I met at our favorite spot for lunch. The little known restaurant sitting at the end of LaGuna pier.

"So, have you heard from Dick lately? What about child support, did he finally start paying?"

Christi asked.

I replied, "oh Gawd no! I never hear from him."

I could feel someone looking at me. I looked around and scanned the crowd. I didn't see anyone looking at me, but man I sure could feel it.

"Yeah, we finally get a little bit of money each month."

Just then the hairs on my neck stood up. It felt like someone breathing on my neck. My stomach began to ache. That's when I recognized what it was. It was him. My ex. I could feel his presence, but I did not see him. I tried to ignore it and continued talking, "are you and Amber going to be able to make it to Aaron and Lynn's wed-...." I felt a hand on my neck and is fist grabbed my hair. I turned and no one was there. My heart was racing. My stomach in knots, my breathing rapid.

All of a sudden he grabbed my shoulders and yanked me out of that booth. I started kicking and screaming, "LEAVE ME ALONE! Leave me alone!!!!"

Robert shook me, "Kay, Kay! Are you ok? Are you having a nightmare?"

I caught my breath, shook my head and whispered "yes." As he held me tighter.

It's been a over year, yet I'm still haunted by my abuser, and his spirit still intimidates me.