Dear sandflea68:  I’ve been meaning to get something off my chest but have hesitated to do so because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. First of all, who in the hell do you think you are, calling yourself sandflea68? What are you thinking? Do you think you have a little imaginary friend or something? In my opinion, I think it’s because you feel small and insignificant. You’ve never achieved your potential and have wasted most of your life dabbling in painting, writing, sewing, making jewelry and for all I know you’re now into the crayoning phase. And you read way too many books and spend time writing them also. You’ll never be successful. Some people never grow up and accept responsibility like they should.

I really think you should wear your hair differently. It’s way too dark and looks harsh and unbecoming. Why don’t you go blonde? Are you having any luck in losing your extra weight? Last time I saw you, you looked like a cow on stilts.

Do you still have trouble pronouncing certain words? If you only used simple words, it would be much easier. Why do you want to have such a large vocabulary anyway? It makes you appear pretentious.

I wonder if you are still married to that ugly slob. I hope that you realize that you are way smarter than he is, which isn’t saying much! Well, at least it’s better than the two who went before him. I wonder when this new one will get tired of you? You’ll really have to work on your looks if you hope to keep him but then, why would you want to?

Well, I have a busy schedule of pursuing intellectual quests so I have to sign off. I feel much better now that I have talked to you about your issues. Have a nice day! Love, your oldest and dearest friend

Dear YangeL,

You and I have been best friends for 25 years now! Since we were 14 years old, we have been a part of each other's lives and have gone through so much together - good and bad times. I know you better than anyone, and because of this I feel that there are things you need to hear. I'm writing them to you because your stubborn ass won't listen.

1. Get.A.Grip!! Everyone goes through bad times. Most people don't have mental breakdowns over it. And honestly - how long is this gonna take? 'Cause it's getting old and the people who are still in your life aren't gonna stick around forever. Jeez.

2. Your choice in men SUCKS. I have picked you up from hospitals, from bars, from the police station, from random houses you didn't even know who lived there. I even flew to San Francisco once to drive you and YOUR car back down to SoCal 'cause your face was too messed up and you couldn't drive yourself. Why do you always pick men that beat you up? Jeez! It's so stupid! My husband does what I tell him,you should find a man like that.

3. Speaking of which - this new boyfriend....25 years old? Are you serious? I hope you're not pinning any hopes on this kid. He may not be a violent one - but he's going to cheat on you. He probably only likes you cause you pay most of the bills. Furthermore - you look ridiculous. What do you think people say when you're out together? You are 39, and people probably think you're his mom. That's embarrassing. Jeez, I'm embarrassed for you.

4. Your son. I know you love him, but it's hopeless. He's too much like his dad, and at 16 it's too late to change his behavior. So quit fighting it - let him live with his dad and forget him. I don't know why you'd want to see him anyway when he's already becoming abusive to you as well. Just forget you ever had a kid, wash your hands of that boy and his dad both! Jeez. See, I was smart to never have children. Should've listened to me. You should get a cat or something.

5. Are you on drugs? Cuz you are ridiculously skinny right now. I'm glad you quit drinking (but did you, did you really?), your drinking was out of control for a while there. But everyone is gossiping about you. Getting a divorce, your kid hates you, shacking up with this kid, and the weight loss...everyone thinks you're on drugs.

So that's about it. I'm tired of everyone asking me about your bullshit life since you won't return anyone else's calls, plus you know how it is here, people rather talk about you than to you. But I'm so bored with trying to make excuses for your current insanity. So Jesus Christ, Suck It Up, Put on Your Big Girl Panties, Pull Yourself Together, just freaking Get A Grip already. Jeez.

Your dearest friend,

JLB