I never was

diaphanous sea mist

chasing watery dreams,

turquoise adventures.

I was a craggy boulder

poking out of liquid veil

of foaming life estuaries

observing churning waves

waving goodbye

as boat sailed out to sea

without me.

Unless you are silently hurting, and thinking of me too, I was fooled. I believed our love story was something it never was.

As many times as I have reached out, and you have no response, it can only make me wonder.

Is it possible that you are more caring than even I? Claiming you never wanted to hurt me, knowing our challenges, you are being the adult here and keeping your distance? Or, are you a thief?

Either way, I lovingly give you the piece of my heart you hold, to keep. And life goes on.

Are you writing?

Yes l am. 

Why?

Because I can. 

No writing glows

like that tapped 

secretly under

a loved one's nose. 

Hold your breath,

dive deep. Try not

to trouble

gentle sleep. 

But too soon,

a ripple,

and  your

cover's blown. 

Moan rhymes

with iPhone because

'that secret'?

It never was. 

This free writing 

is a dangerous curse. 

Breathe out

and surface. 

It never was.

It never will be.

And yet the gardeners

Are out to kill me

With some strange need

To plant him in my mind,

To choke out the other

Flowers they find.

So I set sentries

At the gates of my dreams,

But the sentries are weak;

They let seeds through the seams.

The demons water them,

The dreams come,

And dreams are something

You can't run from.

So I burn down the garden

That grows in my mind

He could only grow if

Time could rewind.

But it can't,

And I won't.

My demons want him.

I don't.

The year was September 2005.. 

One night....midnight to be precise a chilling howl rang through the small room.

The little 8 year old girl opened her eyes to her dog howling, which evidently meant doom.

She sat up in the bed realizing its the dead of night.

Look into her eyes... They had lost all their innocent light.

Her family came through the door, screaming and crying.

Little did she know "daddy" had just finished dying.

They sent her straight to bed, they had news for tomorrow.

The blonde, green eyed girl, worried and suddenly struck with sorrow.

Then in the morning, the sky was darken with clouds, sobbing with rain.

She woke to see her aunt and grandmother exhausted and drained.

They hugged her "sweetie, we got something to say and its really hard"

"Your dear grandfather has passed on and is now one of God's stars"

She bit her lip because she was little and naive...

"Daddy" was gone, this she couldn't believe.

It was never easy as the years passed by as she slowly grew.

The older she got, the more she lost, the more she learned..the more she knew.

To this day he is still in her thoughts.

Still wishing he was here, but wishing is impossible was the lesson that life had taught....

It never was going to be easy. We were just determined. Someone once told us we couldn't do it, so we decided we had to. Why? Well, I'm not entirely sure, why we did, we just knew we were going to. Someone else told us we had lost our minds. That's entirely possible. Regardless, we were going to do it, no matter how hard, no matter the consequences. The day fast approached and we were giddy with excitement. We had spent three weeks preparing. There were time charts that we checked, and we had to make certain that all of our accoutrements were in place. Had we gone over every aspect? We had processed from beginning to end as thoroughly as possible. There was zero room for error or someone was going to be seriously injured. The words 'maimed' and 'loss of limb' were uttered on numerous occasions. I mean honestly, how else would you describe giving a cat a bath?

When I woke up this morning

The sun was in his place,

The birds were singing sweet

And so I thought well of the day

Until he walked in and I realized

he wasn't you, and the life I thought

was mine with you,

It never was.

Was it for truth, for justice and right? 

No, but I can see how you might...

Was it for love, for her heart and mind? 

No, but I can see how you find...

Was it for God, religion and faith? 

No, but I can see your mistake...

Was it for peace, for unity's bliss? 

No, but I can see how you miss...

Was it for friends, family and Man? 

No, but I can see how you can...

Then what was it for? Tell me because...

Not for a thing. It never was.

Cracked lips drew a thin line, as she squinted at the sun, cursing its indecency. How crude it was to shine so brightly on a day that deserved only shadows. The preacher spoke, or rather chanted, about the "life everlasting" that would be gifted upon those gone from this world. Laughter threatened to spill from deep inside, her amusement originating from the fact that the man in the box hated organized religions. "Suits him well," she thought to herself. Nodding along, the rest of the crowd muttered occasional "amens" and sniffles away the occasional tear. She sure that known of them knew the man, now destined for damnation. She, on the other hand, had known him all too well. Smug at the assumption of his eternal demise, she walked away from the fabricated lies being sewn over the man's forever home: a 6 ft hole in the ground. She was overjoyed, of course, that he was gone forever but the fear are away at her. The damage had already been done and she feared it wasn't enough that he was dead, it never was, and it never would be.