Trapped inside myself

Overwhelming currents

Of emotional distraught

Piercing thoughts 

I need a jagged knife 

Slice my way out of this

Tormented skin 

Struggling to free myself out of

This suffocating prison 

With every ounce of strength

I begin to push my way out

I get a glimpse of the light

It's now in my sight

I just can't seem to reach it 

I keep trying to escape my

Torturing thoughts 

This trapped terrifying hell is fucking real 

Begging for this torment to end

So the wounds can scab over and finally heal 

Can you hear me shout 

Will you cut me out 

Stretching these thin walls inside

My mind and body 

Dangerously lacking oxygen

Sights become blurred 

I'm going blind 

While losing my sanity

I'm gasping 

Im fighting to think and breathe freely... 

It slurred your speech

And staggered your gait.

It addled your mind

And sealed your fate.

It left me reaching,

Offering my aide.

But you downed the poison

And didn't want to be saved.

Yet, if the savior in me

Became a screaming banshee

Could I have penetrated your haze?

Could I have forced you to see?

That your elusive happiness

You abandoned to debacle

Would never be found

At the bottom of a bottle.

.

A black velvet of nothing...

.

endless in all directions.

.

.

Life exists beyond the stars...

.

but they're far and growing further.

.

.

.

Death is king of this world...

.

and his queen, entropy.

.

.

We need to work together to survive...

.

but realistically, we're doomed apes.

.

I feigned disinterest

As you watched me

From a distance.

Engulfed with mixed emotions

Fearful,

Yet

flattered,

By your obsessive devotion

As you Learn

routines of my days..

Enamored

Yet

Disdained

by your infatuation.

Stifled

Yet

Delighted

With your teasing glimpses.

Then..

You vanished

Leaving footsteps cold on my trail

Relieved

Yet

Long

For your attention.

Once again...

A small sip,

It'll do no harm...

Celebrate with a round of drinks,

It'll relax you...

My parents become strangers,

But it's a harmless thing.

My dad becomes sweeter,

Kinder,

Surely that's good...

My mum becomes louder,

Distant,

Ignorant,

Surely she doesn't mean it...

When a sip becomes several,

A glass becomes two,

They aren't counting,

So why are you?

How can they change so much?

Surely that's not who they are?

The poison sets,

I lock myself away,

Ignore deafening shouts;

Stumbled steps and slured lies,

It'll be over soon...

The door closes,

They sleep for a day,

All is forgotten in the morning...

It's just alcohol,

A harmless sip,

Perfectly fine...

Glazed over, pupils widening

Contracting

Unseeing voids

Blank stares

A glossy pit of

Black assumptions,

No real attention

Two points fixed,

Following

The laser of the hand

That guides it

Boring into your soul

When directed,

Only absorbing

What they wish to

The windows

To theirs

Curtained,

And empty.

I was the monster under the bed

Tasked to scare her out of her head

I tried each night to make her scream

But could not wake her from her dream

I came early one night

And saw why I could not give her fright

The creature meant to be her father

Came to her room to be a bother

He would struggle close

Make her pale as a ghost

This man was breaking nature

As he did these monstrous things to her

I unfurled myself and stretched my claws

My shadow across the wall made him pause

I am the monster that you will fear

If you ever again hurt this girl so dear

She is mine and I am hers

Yes indeed we're both monsters

I am the monster under her bed

And I'd watch out or I'll have your head

Terrifying was living a life of lies...being a single mother, while looking for happiness...

Terrifying was never knowing what the next day would bring..

Terrifying was raising 3 children under four..where was my food coming from, my shelter, my time to be me..

Terrifying was would I ever come out of this situation..would my next guy I brought home stay or leave..

I lived like this for 7 years, taking any job I could to take care of my family without asking for things.

The dangerous part was always reminding myself "don't give up, never give in, you will be happy, it's all inside of you to live for your precious babies you were blessed with..don't give up"

My stomach churns 

      while I still yearn

So many times 

      I have been burned

Asked for this? 

      No I did not

With trepidation 

      I am frought

I know that if I 

      give it reign

A grand chance will 

      be in vain

My independence 

      fought so hard

Individuality 

      feels marred

Do I pretend it's 

      just not there?

Or give away how 

      much I care?

Inside it builds, 

       wants to break free

Til all encompassed, 

       all I see

Ignoring won't 

       send it away

Burning bright, 

       it won't be swayed

The fury of it 

       terrifies me

Magnitude of it 

       defies me

A passion driving 

       voice and pen

Sets my heart to 

       bleed within

Even if I 

       tried to flee

Would be in vain, 

       it's part of me

Resigned, 

      acceptance,

                I can breathe...

She sits atop her fence,

Dangling words in the breeze

While I wait across the street,

Hanging behind the tree.

Fingers can’t find their way over

Syllables

Just like her smile remains

A flash of sun

But never lightning striking earth.

Not this flesh

Not these bones,

Not the spinning dance

As she pirouettes between land and sky.

My only touch,

The closeness of a whisper

As she leans in to confide

I taste the fire in her lungs

Burning through my skin

An unsigned treaty

Between sovereign nations

Of who we are

And what I long to do.