Endless nightmare, nightmare, nightmare

       Eyelids pried open, open, open

       crouching, crouching in corner

       shaking, I'm dead, dead, dead.

Can't shut my brain off, off, off

       thoughts growing tendrils

       looping, looping onto reflections.

Ivy, Ivy, tangling like ivy

       can't see the tree, tree, tree

       hovering fog, fog, fog.

Phones shriek, shriek, shriek

       painful hurting pitches

       skull breaks apart, apart

       thought, thought octopuses.

Wading in boots, boots, boots

       pools, pools of molasses

       insides falling out, out, out.

Slashed my feet, feet, feet

       pour, pour out despair

       people cowering, cowering

       cameras watching on corners.

Freezing cold, cold, cold

       skin boiling, boiling inside

       inferno of flames, flames.

TV flickers, flickers, flickers

       confusing noises pounding

       paranoia falls, falls, falls

       off shelves of my brain, brain.

Can't translate my world, world, world

       symbols and echoes, echoes

       euphoria waves, waves, waves

       at sunken anxiety, anxiety.

My third eye, eye, eye

       won't leave me alone, alone

       crushed feelings of conspiracy

       paints swirling ideas, ideas

       in pieces of vision, vision, vision.

Distorted perceptions, perceptions, perceptions

       races of fragmentation, fragmentation

       defiled faces with fangs, fangs, fangs.

Swallowed, running, running, running

       concentric circles, circles

       drowning in raging, raging

       waters of my mind, mind, mind.

One is humming, just loud enough to distract

Another challenging me to violently act

Yet another, a small child doing silly things

The fourth "friend", paranoia, suspicion brings

Next, an older lady reading from scripture

And a scruff who is not a pretty picture

There's, lucky number seven, a proper girl

And a teen boy who's clenched fists never uncurl

A floozy, rudely behaved, scantily dressed

And the leader, a boss who "directs" the rest

Last, there's me- behind the curtain, backstage crew

At any moment, I present one to you

And you, kind audience member cheer woohoo

As if they played just for you on this good stage

Not in my head, each acting out their true rage

As if they played just for you on this good stage

Not in my head, each acting out their true rage

Scratching the letters into the wall, I can see the words have started to bleed. The nail of my index finger has torn. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I slap my face with each utterance and I don't even know why. I only that I can't trust her.

She's speaking to me again. Whispering softly, but God it sounds so loud at the same time.

I need to join her, it's simple she insists. She is angry that I've failed before. I'm reminded of my failure and look at my wrist. The line has healed but it still burns. I remember it like a drunken memory as the razor glides across the surface.

It seemed so graceful. The skin peeled back revealing what lies beneath.

Weak. Weak. So weak she said.

No windows. No sunlight. It's so dark when I'm all alone. Yet ... no alone. She's speaks again.

"SHUT UP!!" My voice hoarse. Tears spawn from my eyes, cascade down my cheeks and die on cracked lips.

I stare at the wall. The bloody message - DIE AMY

I hear the screeching of metal on metal. It's my salvation.

"Claire. Are you ready for your medicine?"

The needle breaks the surface of my dry skin and I don't resist. I need it.

It's so sweet. Almost as peaceful as death, but just temporary. When it thins in the blood. Amy will come back. She always comes back. She always ... comes ... back. The light from the ceiling is stretching. And pulls farther away from me. Let it be permanent. Let it be over. The lids of my eyes fall. Let ... it ... be ... over.

The dreams are wicked and even they torment tonight.

I'm ebbing and flowing from unconscious to consciousness.

I hear her. I hear Amy again. "Claire, Claire. Where have you been? I've missed you."

My fingers hurt. They twitch in anticipation of the pain, and I begin scratching the message again. Deeper and deeper into the concrete wall it goes.

You say I'm evil.

You say I'm a monster.

You blame me.

My name is Justine. My name is Emily.

The whole world blames me.

You blame me for the times Emily disappears.

For the times Emily cries because of me.

For the times she hurts herself.

But I did nothing. Nothing at all.

You called me a mere disease, a pest.

You said I was nothing.

You said I deserved to die.

All the times you called me Emily. All the times you threatened me. All the times you made me cry.

I endured it all. I did nothing back.

But you. Emily loved you, you monster .

You tried to kill me.

So I did what you fear most. Your deepest fear. I killed her.

Your dear Emily.

And she's never coming back.

11pm

i'm asleep.

10am

i'm awake.

2pm

i should do homework.

2.30pm

i should do homework.

3pm

i should do homework

why aren't i doing homework?

3.30pm

i should do homework

please stop staring at the ipad

4pm

i should do homework

time is running out

night is for work

it is almost 6

5pm 

i should do homework

please do homework

please do homework

why aren't you doing anything?

5.01pm

i said called myself 'you'.

i don't want to have DID. 

it's just me just me just me just me just me 

in here.

yeah.

that's right.

shit why did i do that?

i was recovering. 

6pm

it is too late for homework now.

look at what you've done.

7pm

dinner. 

i don't talk much.

i feel too far away.

8pm

dinner is over.

start work.

do work.

9pm

work.

10pm

work.

10.16pm

I SAW HIS FUCKING FACE

HOLY FUCK

WHYWHYWHY

TAINTED MY HEART"S TAINTED

BREATHE IN THE GOOD

CLEANSE YOUR FUCKING HEART

10.20pm

still haven't closed the tab

with the photo

of the man who 

cleanses 

my heart.

clooooooose iiiiit

you're supposed to be recoveringgg

10.45pm

work is nice

but won't it be nicer

if i had done my fucking homework

11pm

i haven't bathed yet.

should i shower in the morning?

no.

i'll shower now.

12am

i'm asleep.