“You deserve better,” I told myself as I took a long, hot shower, attempting to wash my abusive husband off my soul, and yes, my body.

Never again would he yell at me that I was nothing that mattered to anybody. I had fixed it so he would never knock me up against the wall and pound my stomach so the bruises wouldn’t show. I had been contemplating leaving him for a long time but knew I had to be very crafty because he would kill me if he caught me. I had been sneaking money out of our checking account for a long time and he didn’t seem to notice. A packed bag was ready, hidden in my closet. I had a friend in Idaho, who he didn’t know, who would let me stay there until I got back on my feet. I had stashed extra food in the back yard in case I was temporarily homeless. We had no children because he refused to have any so I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping them safe. I racked my brain to see if there was anything I had forgotten. Everything seemed to be in order.

But then, I had a change of plans. He came home early on the day I planned to leave this misery and saw my suitcase on the bed. Enraged, he charged me, planning to make me very sorry. What else could I do?

I took his loaded gun out of my suitcase and shot him in his heart. So now, you know why I am taking my long, hot shower, washing him (and his blood) off my body. I will take care of his body later when I damn well feel like it!

"You're songs seem to focus a lot on the topic of Regret."

The interviewer, young enough to be my daughter, smiled - awaiting a response.

Of course, they do. I thought to myself. What do you expect from someone who waits until a month after his 50th birthday to get serious about a music career? 

"Yes. I guess you're right." I said. "But I do try and infuse a good helping of 'hope' into the mix." 

I waited for the next question.

"Perhaps it's that combination that resonates so well with your audience." She said.

"So is there one 'deepest-regret' in particular that stands out from the others?"

I should have seen that one coming. I kicked myself on the inside. For a moment I sat, genuinely surprised at my lack of preparation.

"You know, I actually haven't really thought about that..." I trailed off with a laugh, hoping to brush it off, or at least buy myself some time.

The interviewer's  pretty head cocked to the side. Her eye's narrowed and her pleasant-but-closed-lipped smile sent the message to all the world - it was definitely still my turn to speak...

Imagine if he'd started earlier! That was the refrain that accompanied just about every review of my album. It had become the narrative that I was supposed to buy into; a tagline. But it wasn't my biggest regret. If I could change one thing - only one thing - 'starting earlier' wouldn't be it.

"Letters!" I declared. "I wish I'd written back."

I would change the pitch of my voice. Nothing else. I love my body, my hair. But my voice, my voice it too high pitched. I sound like a 3 year old half of the time.

Then again, my voice makes me, me! So I wouldn't change anything and stay as the fabulous me!

Yes, my answer is nothing. I don't think I could make a good decision on what to change. 

Actually, I am reminded of a quote by Gandalf:

"Don't... tempt me Frodo! I dare not take it. Not even to keep it safe. Understand, Frodo. I would use this ring from a desire to do good... But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."

This is how I feel in regards to the challenge. So I guess here is my answer:

"Don't... tempt me Famewriter! I dare not risk it. Not even to help other Prosers. Understand, Famewriter. I would use this gift from a desire to do good... But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine."

If I could change One thing, I would change the Fifth word of this challenge and make it Two. Then, I could change Two things, out of which one would be changing the Fifth word of this challenge back to One. So, I'll still be left with Two things (one from the new challenge and one from the first change) and out of those two, I'll keep one for later and use the other one to change the whole challenge to something else, although I'm now in love with this challenge. :)

If I could change one thing, I think it would be the way I'm feeling right now. There is this sense of foreboding drowning feeling that has overtook me the past two or three days. I know why it is like this and I know that it will fade away, but I wish that I could change how easy it is for me to succumb to my feelings at any moment.

If I could change one thing, my choice would be the loss of my mom.

Some may not know, but I lost my mom a little over 3 years ago. She had a long battle with leukemia, I would take that away. I don't want to be without my mom as a teen mom. There's so much I don't know, that she would guide me on.

She would hold my hand and tell me, "em, it's gonna be okay." My mom would hug me tight and tell me I'm always gonna be her baby. She used to count down the days until Christmas and Halloween, even the last day of school. She loved going to the beach, not just on clear, warm and sunny days; it would be a tropical storm and she would go. As long as the car worked, she was at the beach.

She was dedicated to the work she did. Never giving up and always willing to solve a problem. She is remembered by her silly "go get em" attitude, but also by her down to earth side.

She left me while I was pregnant with my son, she has two grandkids now that she won't ever meet. They remind me of her every day and it's hard to see.

But every day, I wake up and try to be the best she would want me to be. Knowing that her legacy is carried on by me, I try to be the same amazing woman she was.

I love her still, even though she's gone. Her memory is still with me, even though it's been so long.