"There was one moment when I almost gave myself away."

- p.80 of Caleb's Crossing by Geraldine Brooks

There was one moment when I almost gave myself away. It was the summer of 2019. The day was perfect. Warm, but not too hot; sunny, but not blinding. I sail during the summer, so conditionally I was at sailing. I cannot remember if it was when I was on a boat or on land.

We had met before, many times. We knew each other you could say. Our summers where spent together, in some accord. Very different people were we, but yet similar. Maybe opposites attract. Friends? I wish. My memories are fading. Or has my brain has found the delete button?

Anyways, we were speaking. He asked if anything was wrong, and wondered how I was doing. I replied, speaking about enjoying sailing and this lovely place with its wonderful people. Then I mentioned that I was not doing as well as I wished. This concerned him.

He seemed so serious and sincerely worried for me, that I almost let it slip.

“I’m not sure how long I wander through the city.”

All Fall Down By Ally Carter (Page 150)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m not sure how long I wander through the city. I’ve never been good with time. Moments seem to blur together as I attempt to piece my life together. I love being in cities. They have always given me a sense of closeness. I find them intriguing. So many people walking by. So many people with different places to go. And you may never see any of them again. You may never think of them again. Sometimes, it feels like they don’t even see me. They are conscious enough to not walk into me, but it feels like their eyes never fully take me in. That’s how you tell the people who live here from the ones who are new. That’s how you tell the curious from the determined. People who have lived here for a while or who work here don’t seem to realize the beauty of their home. They don’t seem to realize how easy it is to meet someone who can change your life if you just take the time to look. This place seems to have lost its magic for me. I remember walking around the city having trouble keeping my eyes from looking up at all the beautiful buildings. I guess you get used to it all after a while.

Today is a life-changing day. I can feel it in the air. Things are going to get better. They have to. They can’t exactly get worse. I get on the subway and take the last available seat. I have to sit between a very large woman and a man whose beard is so long, I’m sure he has never trimmed it. It could be worse. It has been worse. I think this is another sign things are finally looking up. I’m ready to change my routines. If everything goes according to plan, this will be the last time I ever have to take the subway. It will be the last time I ever have to deal with the smell and the mess. Although I will be thankful to be rid of these things, I am more thankful to be set free from the people.

I remember when I was young, my eyes filled with life and my heart begging for love. I had just moved here. I remember planning on being a writer. I remember sitting in the park for hours just observing people. On my way home at the end of the day, I would watch the people on the subway. Many of them were the same every day. They were the only constant people in this city life. So, I picked a few and started watching more carefully. I wrote stories about who they were and where they came from. Unfortunately, though, life had other plans for me. No one wants to read made up stories about average people. I had to give up on writing. It’s just the way life goes. I lost interest in the people. If no one wants to read about them, why should I bother figuring out who they are? Many of them have changed since I first came from here. There are very few of the original people. I’m not sure what happened to everyone else. I have been here so long. They probably just had the idea to get out of this place before I did. I wonder if anyone observes me. I wonder if they’ll notice when I leave. I wonder if they’ll try to figure out where I went.

I’ve noticed over the past few years that I have become one of the people who doesn’t take others in completely. I just glance past everyone as if they aren’t even there. I have no room in my brain for new faces. There’s no time to let people who won’t affect my life take up my day. I have more important things to do. Like figuring out where I’m going. I know I’m not staying here. There’s no way. I packed my things this morning. There isn’t much I want to bring with me. It all fit in my car perfectly. No matter where I end up, I know I want to start over. I don’t need anything from this life carrying over. I don’t need anything holding me down.

It’s almost my stop. I don’t even need to listen to the intercom anymore to know. I know exactly how long the ride is when there are no unusual stops.

I see a flash of light. The subway stops. This can’t be good. This has never happened before. Maybe I don’t need to leave this city to see something new after all. Everyone sits in an unsettling silence. After a while, some people start whispering nervously. No one knows what’s going on. I’m waiting to hear the strong, reassuring voice of the intercom. It’s the first time I’ve actually wanted to hear him speak. He never does.

After a few minutes of waiting, there’s another flash. This one shakes the ground. People are becoming restless now. No one knows what to do. It’s too loud. I can’t think. Everyone is panicking. I find a place on the wall to focus on. I won’t give in to the panic. I will remain calm.

Another flash. And another. The ground shakes more and more with every one. The people who were standing are now sitting on the floor, unable to stand without falling over.

There is one more flash. Then it’s over. I hear myself scream although I don’t remember opening my mouth. I’m not in control of my body. I can’t feel anything. All I can hear is screaming. Then, once again, there is nothing. I’m not sure what’s worse. Hearing the suffering or knowing it has only stopped because there’s no one left to suffer.

Well, I think to myself, this is one way to get out of the city.

"A brilliant light flashed in the sky." page 222 of The Seventh Door by Bryan Davis

I grabbed the flashlight from my dresser drawer and rejoined my friends on the bed. With the strong storm rolling in, we probably wouldn't get to watch a movie like we'd planned.

I lay back and sighed as my friends kept going on about which instrument was superior. Natalie thought a cello, Reigha petitioned for ukulele, and Megan insisted on kazoo. As their discussion got more heated, I sat up and interjected my two cents.

"Obviously bagpipes, you guys."

Megan laughed, and Reigha smiled.

"Letting your Irish roots show?" Natalie asked.

"Scottish, but whatever," I said with a shrug. I glanced out the window. "That's some storm."

The three followed my gaze to the darkening four o'clock sky. Their conversation fell silent as all of us kept watching the dim scene outside the window.

"We should make some cocoa," Reigha suggested, "maybe gather some blankets, too. Make it cozy." She let forth a radiant smile.

"Oh yeah!" Megan exclaimed. "Emilee, do you have any marshmallows?"

I nodded. "Sure do." So, the four of us headed downstairs to begind making some hot chocolate.

We'd just finished heating the milk when the lights flickered out. Megan let out a yelp, and I searched the counter for the flashlight I'd brought.

"Dang," Natalie mumbled.

I turned on the flashlight and exclaimed, "Ta-da!"

"Emilee to the rescue!" Megan laughed.

"We can still add the chocolate and have some nice drinks," Reigha suggested.

So, we all added the chocolate and the marshmallows before heading back up stairs. At the top of the steps, the flashlight beam greeted my dad.

"I'm heading to check the breaker box," he said. "A surge may have tripped it."

"Cool," I said. "Be careful. My phone said the winds were pretty strong."

"Will do," he said with nod and headed off down the stairs.

As we passed my parents room, I saw my brother sitting on the bed with my mom, huddled around a small light box and talking.

The four of us kept going until we reached my room where we all grabbed our phones for extra light. Then we all huddled under some blankets I kept in my closet while we drank our cocoa.

"We should play some music," Megan suggested. "The pitter patter of the rain is getting to my head."

"I don't have any data to spare," Natalie said. "And I don't save music to my phone."

"Same here," I added.

"Lucky for you guys," Reigha said, setting her mug down and reach towards her pile of stuff, "I never travel anywhere without my ukulele."

I laughed. "You're the best."

"As is the ukulele," she said, grinning at the other two.

"Quick!" Megan exclaimed, tugging on Natalie's arm. "Pull out a cello from your bag! You have to prove her wrong!"

Natalie chuckled and turned back to Reigha. "Go ahead."

Reigha smiled and began softly strumming her ukulele. As her voice sang out the sweet melody, I recognized the song to be the one that the four of us had written while Natalie was living across the country. The chorus our fourteen year-old brains came up with was probably my favorite part.

As suns go down or school lets out

We're always together

Even if there's miles between

We're always together

I smiled at our silly friendship song as thunder rumbling outside and a brilliant light flashed in the sky. Watching Reigha's smile as she sang, Megan's head bobbing back and forth, and Natalie carefully watching the strumming, I realized just how together we were, and I'd never know how lucky were we to have each other.