Self-confidence isn’t easy to come by. It isn’t something that comes naturally. It’s something that needs to be worked towards. Constantly.

It could be gained from doing something as simple and diurnal as chores. Filling the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher. Washing and drying clothes. If nothing else, it’s productive, and it’s better than wasting the day away doing nothing.

It could be gained by getting out of your comfort zone. Going out. Going to new places. Trying new things. Experiencing new things. Even going to places you’ve been before can give you some self-confidence. It could serve as a reminder of how far you’ve come, how much better you can handle yourself now.

This gain of confidence is by no means an every day occurence. It could come days or even weeks at a time.

Then, there’s the matter of writing. You love to write. You’re inspired to. One day, you hope to create stories that will move people the same way you have been moved by stories. But you know that this won’t be an easy feat.

Just like in any field, there’s competition, and sometimes reading another person’s work could shatter your confidence, as if it's made of the thinnest glass. You start to question and second guess yourself. Why do you even bother? You’re never going to be able to write something this good. You could spend the rest of your life working your hand at the same craft and you won’t be nearly as good as this person is right now. Sometimes the pieces are so tiny that it takes a while to pick up each and every one and it hurts. Sometimes it hurts to keep trying because trying means that you’ll get hurt again. But you know that it’ll hurt more if you stop trying. So you keep trying.

Sometimes you get impatient with yourself. You get frustrated. You get in your own way.

But when you get past all of that and finish writing that piece you’ve been working on for days, it feels good. After all of that writing and editing, you’ve written something that you could be proud of, something that you’re more than comfortable with sharing. You can hardly wait for the feedback and when it comes, it boosts your confidence that much more. It feels good to be recognized. It feels good to be praised.

This confidence stays for a while, but like every houseguest, it leaves at some point. That doesn’t mean that you won’t ever spend time with it again. So long as you keep pursuing it, so long as you keep inviting it over, it’ll return. You just have to keep at it.

Self-confidence comes and goes

There are moments I feel invisible

Like I could go anywhere

Be anyone

Do anything

And it would all be ok

But then there are other times

When I wish I could blend in

When I forget how to use my voice

I am shy beyond control

I can’t be part of big social situations

I hate being the center of attention

But sometimes,

When I am in a place I’ve never been

Surrounded by people I don’t know,

I become someone else

I become confident

And outgoing

And easy to talk to

I can’t control my confidence

It controls me

It decides when and where

It wants to come out of hiding

Some have too much self-confidence

Some have too little

I long to be one of those people

With the perfect amount

The people

Who don’t think too highly of themselves

But still have self-respect

Who can talk to anyone

And not get nervous

They don’t need to be the center of attention

But don’t freak out when they are

They say self-confidence can be improved

But I’m not sure that’s true

Sometimes, I think I’m too far beyond help

I can’t fix how awkward I am

Or how hard it is to have conversations

But I’ll work on it

As much as I can