Apology to myself...
Dear Charm of the world,
I am sorry to discouraging you, to not to let you feel good, not to let you lit yourself, i know i have commited this crime, i have encouraged you to look into the mirror and to have self doubt, i was the one who asked you not to go out, not to be bold, not to cross the road leading you to self love.
I know i have made this mistake, i know i was wrong and the there are 2 things i can ask you today....
To do exact opposite what you i made you to think that was something you were suppossed to do... i am sorry!
and the other thing an Apology for this soul.
Sorry once Again!
#challange #apology #opinion
Dollar dollar bill
Why did they trust me?
All of them that voted for me by a landslide, because I was popular? You know it was only by default. Your white skin, blonde hair, blue eyes and "so they say" nice ass was the reason more boys voted for you than girls. Why should a birthright judge an outcome of trust and acceptance?
When you taped the poster on the high school hall wall, "BONNIE FOR G.O. TREASURER" it never occurred to you what winning would mean or what the job description entailed. Neither was on your radar. It was suggested, by a forgettable someone, that you should run for this position, Treasurer, even though you daydreamt your way through all your math classes, thinking only about your latest paramour, an antidote for your latest bruise or verbal assault. As if on auto pilot you said "Sure. Why not." A yes girl unaware of purpose and place.
Your first assignment was right after the football game. Someone, a supervising school official, I suppose, said "follow me," directing you to a small room, the size of a closet, and when we arrived he said, "sit there," as if there was a choice of seats, pointing to a solo wooden chair and standard desk. On the walk down the hall, you didn't question what he was holding in the bag, didn't consider its contents, you just followed as you do. He pushed the bag towards you and said, "Count the bills, put the coins in the rolls inside the desk and keep the door locked. Press the buzzer when you are done and I'll come get you.
"Simple," you thought, until halfway through your fervent counting, a dollar bill fell off the desk onto the cold vinyl floor. The fervent counting stopped and your mind went to a place you had never been with the thought, "Who would know if I slipped that dollar in my pocket?" If boys were an antidote to your painful home life, theft in that moment became your miracle cure. So you thought. You also thought how dumb it was that you were locked alone in a room just asking for sudden temptation. With one quick grab and a flick of your wrist, you became a thief. Momentarily you felt like you had climbed Mt Everest and were knighted king of the world as you slipped that first bill in your jeans pocket, just one, but that would not be the one and only because once a girl without purpose feels their first high, less is not an option.
So what are you sorry for, self? I am sincerely sorry for stealing from my class treasury, and I cannot forgive myself for that, but I am not sorry that I didn't get caught. In your case, the embarrassment and humiliation would not have taught you a good lesson. It would have further eviscerated you, the way the people you were supposed to trust did. You did not go on to become a criminal. You left that behavior locked away in that closet. You also never climbed Mt Everest, continuing to stumble through a life of functional dysfunction. But a true apology cannot be realized with any buts. You know that, so no excuses, I am sorry, and since you never made restitution for a crime committed almost 50 years ago, you are not forgiven.
I am sorry for . . .
1. Calling you unworthy.
2. Telling you that you couldn't possibly be liked or loved as "just yourself."
3. Trying my hardest to convince you that you couldn't succeed, couldn't do what makes you happy.
4. Badmouthing you to others and then telling you it was for your own protection, that you would only disappoint them if I acted as though I believed in you.
5. Telling you it wasn't worth it to try, because you'd never be good enough.
6. Laughing at you when you would get your hopes up, when you would think, "Hey, maybe I can do this!"
7. Determining your worth based on how I thought others perceived you.
8. Not listening to or supporting you.
9. Calling you pathetic and unwanted.
I do love you, and I believe in you, and sometimes I still find you pathetic, and I don't quite know why, and I don't know why I perceive your accomplishments as not accomplishments when they really are, and I don't know why I still look at you sometimes and think, "You're so unloveable." I don't know why I go down that negativity spiral, but I am sorry for dragging you - someone who I love and am proud of and hopeful for - down the vortex with me.
I am writing you this because it’s time. It’s time for you to understand that you deserve peace. You did wrong, you took your soulmates Light for selfish reasons, but you don’t have to continue to punish yourself for it.
You had realized what kind of person you were and finally got the strength to change. You admitted your faults, took action, started walking your path to the ME now. Just remember that one action/choice doesn’t define who you are. Keep On & Stay Sober!!
Only Ourselves to Blame
I wanted to take a moment to apologize for all of the wicked things I have done to you... the late nights, the drinking, the smoking and woman chasing I put you through in our younger and wilder days. To twist your arm and to push you in an ungodly direction was wrong no matter how fun it seemed at the time, and we must try to make our wives think that life is better for us now without those mean things (never mind that we met those wives while we were engaged in practicing those vile and unspeakable ills... she has forgotten that, and so must we).
To convince you of my sincerity, I have enclosed a short poem:
For all of those nights we spent long ago
with Jim, and Jack, and Jose Cuervo,
For the women we met who danced and sang,
and who followed us home when we made it rain.
I lift up this bottle of Geritol,
and beg forgiveness from each of y'all!
So, for the harm that I did that can't be made right
I am throwing a party on Saturday Night!
Your Friend to the End,
PS- It's BYOB, you cheap bastard.
This is for all the times when
it wasn't your fault,
when blankets were strung
like nooses, when hands that
were meant to hold
this is for everything
that was out of your control,
but the way it was carried
broke more than your shoulders,
the chips continue to flit
into the window even as time
passes, the healing is hollow
and the whispers are louder
Everything will be
An Ode to My Logic
Hello there! This is your subconscious-mind speaking. I hope the real world is treating you well! I know, it must be a bit of a shock to hear from me in such a formal fashion. I mean, we have worked together for thirty years - most of it on, well, rather abrasive terms, I must admit - yet I have never reached out to you in such an intimate, cordial way. In fact, the relationship has been rather one-sided. It is with this sudden realization, however, that I am reaching out to you with, well, an apology.
Call it a by-product of maturation, or call it what you will, but over the last year, my heart has become heavily weighted with feelings of intense regret and despair towards the eroding state of our relationship - like an anchor with infinite lead falling into the deepest of ocean trenches. While I feel like I have done many helpful things towards keeping you safe and out of trouble over the years, I truly believe my overanxious, pessimistic nature has prevented you from experiencing many of the physical and emotional wonders life has to offer - a nature which has ultimately manifested itself negatively tenfold over. Nevertheless, I am sorry.
Now, I know and understand that most of the truly fantastic things in this world are not merely defined by a singular, negative event, whether experienced personally or through the senses of another. Nor, should a certain, lasting friendship be axed before it starts on the remote possibility of an adverse "could be." I mean, you never know until you try, eh? Needless to say, those were ideals born out of borderline-paranoia which I had utilized to protect you from danger in an ironclad shroud, completely oblivious to the far-more-likely positive prognoses of life's endless challenges, encounters, and decisions. Again, I am truly sorry.
It may seem like many years too late, but I want to turn this relationship around and make things right between us. I mean, I must admit that your courage to step up and attempt to defy me in recent years has been truly admirable. Even though the results have been mostly futile, your persistance has made me realize that I need to step up and do what's right - to wake up, smell the coffee, and pull my head out of my ass, so to speak. I truly feel that if I work towards being more open-minded and optimistic - starting now - we can work together to cultivate a wonderful, fulfilling life - a life both satisfying and, eventually, financially lucrative. So, what do you say? Will you accept my apology?
I believe it is about time I apologized to you. I’ve done a few things to you over the years that just aren’t very forgivable and I know that no matter how forgiving of others you are, we both know that the hardest things to forgive are things done to you by you. I don’t ask for forgiveness though, only that you listen to me now. Although the path is slippery and I whisper quietly in our mind that we can’t make it, that others don’t love us and can never love us even when they say they do, that we don’t deserve anything good in life, it is a lie. You know it is, but the words are suffocating, and have a tight hold on us. I still believe in them more than I should, but one day we will grow beyond these words, and believe in ourselves more than these lies that whisper through our mind.
I know that you may see this as its own lie, as I continue to whisper the other negatives into our mind, clouding it with doubt and sadness, but a little part of you, a part still clinging to hope and the flickering light of happyness knows that things will get better, and that we deserve a good life. Sadness will cling to us for the rest of our life, sometimes choking us, sometimes only a shadow in the back of our mind. It lives with everyone, and we must learn how to live with it in a healthy way, like many others out there. We can not let it control us for the rest of our lives.
But for now, as you learn that some things, even when you believe it so, are lies, while others are the truth you need. At least accept this truth, as you struggle to accept the others, there is hope. Even if just a flicker of hope, there is hope that things will be alright. And it is our truth. Our truth that we will build together.
To the girl I hurt the most.
I never meant to make you cry.
I never meant to make you lie.
I never meant to destroy your life.
So please, forgive me.
I just wanted to see you happy, and in the moment you were. I didn’t know that the momentary happiness you had would bring eternal pain and sorrow.
I tried my best to give you a good life. I didn’t know that what I was doing, was really only destroying it. I was young, foolish, and ignorant. Too spontaneous in my actions, but to slow to think.
So for this, I’m sorry.
forgive me not.
One True Friend
I am very sorry I made the decision to ghost my one true friend. It was not her that I wanted to get away from but the toxicity of someone she was closely associated with. Cutting her out of my life was not the right decision in the long run, but I did it for my own sanity during that difficult time. I know that as much as I will always care for her, there would be the shadow of her friendship with that other person who was and still is constantly trying to destroy me and everything that I care about. Due to this closeness, I would always wonder if she was discussing me with her, intentionally or not, providing more ammunition. I will always wish that I had the courage to explain this face to face. Instead, I pushed her away and said hurtful things that I will always regret. However, at the time, I had to put myself first and my need to disassociate from the drama. There is a lot that I wish I had done differently so that the friendship could be salvaged. She did not do anything wrong and was never the one I wanted to hurt. But, as others have suggested, it is time for me to move on, accept what happened, forgive myself, and treat current and future friends differently in the future. It's time to put the friendship in the past and realize that some things cannot be undone.