I disappear into our place where I can see your face.. Our place is warm, cozy, and glows an amber orange.. It sets deep off in the woods, where we can't be found.. A place that we are safe and sound..
Together at last, after decades apart.. No glass between us as we finally get to share our hearts.. We savor each moment, each touch, each kiss.. Then "bing" goes the microwave and I am ripped out of my happy place and back to THIS....
I sit here on this cold night alone remembering loving you. I think of you & the memories we have made and tears fill my eyes. We have laughed so many laughs and cried not as many tears. We have smoked a ton of blunts & cuddled hundreds of nights to sleep. You at times have brought my soul so much peace. You have become a lead person in my life. I value your perspective and melt at your touch. When our lips touch I become completely under your spell, bowing to you at my own will.
When I think of you I also think about all the times you said "You didn't want a girlfriend." and "You didn't love me, just had love for me." All the times you pushed me away, ignored me for weeks, then pulled me back in just to repeat the cycle. You let me pour my heart, soul, emotions, secrets, and love into you for a year without giving me much in return. I never swayed, never wandered, never faltered. Somehow with you being closed off, emotionally detached, & me begging for your attention, I still fell madly deeply in love with you. I remember nights I would just stare at you, begging in my head for you to just love me, for me to just be enough. I knew I would never meet your exceptions no matter how hard I tried. You were better than me.
Trust me, I tried. I wanted to be your everything so badly. That one person who made all the pain, doubt, hate, resentment, and darkness disappear and the light reappear. My own demons, abuse, and neglect left me unable to communicate and provide you with what you needed to be secure in our relationship and for that I am sorry. I am sorry I made you doubt me, my love for you, and us. If I know one thing it was always you. I hope I made you feel that at least once, for a moment. You were my prince charming, knight and shining armor.
You are worthy of all things beautiful and happy. You deserve to have that sparkle in your eyes & smile across your face. You deserve unconditional love from a worthy women. Know your worth & add tax. I will always love you.
The longer I am here, the more pieces of me that die that I will never get back..
This town is a sink hole, if you get just a little to close it sucks you in and then never lets go.. That's why no one ever makes it out, well very few do.. So stay far away and make sure you save your own soul..
I am sitting on your couch with you next to me. You play a soft song as you slowly take a pull from the glass pipe. We lock eyes for a few seconds and just gaze deep into each other souls.
Oh the people we could be, places we could go, and things we could do together if only. If only we could put the pipe down, If only we could let our past go. If only we didn’t, if only we did. If only I loved less and you loved more, if only we weren’t so stubborn & wanted to be right.
We could start to get better, build each other back up, see in each other why we fell in love. Smile again and let laughter fill the air. So throw out your doubt, turn to me, grab my hand so we can be free.
I can't believe it happened, the night finally came when you invited me over to meet her for the first time. I was excited, nervous and my palms were sweaty. All the while with a smile from ear to ear. As I quickly throw myself together I couldn't help thinking what this really meant. My smile started to grow to the point it couldn't get any bigger and butterflies started to fly in my stomach. The happiness that rippled through my body caused my eyes to begin to water.
I had to slow my thoughts, I have a habit of getting ahead of myself. I make sure I have everything I need, tell Nick bye and out the door I go. I texted you "OMW" and I started the Volvo. I put in my AirPods, start my music, then pull out the drive towards your direction. It literally takes 3 minutes to get to your place from mine. I never finish a song. I pull into the parking spot next to your truck and see you standing outside waiting for me. I get out of my car and head up your way.
Nervousness is swirling in my stomach but I don't let it show. We walk in, exchange a few words and he ask if I was ready to meet Emma. "Of course" was my response and we walked back to the bedroom where she was watching T.V. You said "Emma this is my good friend Keri." She quietly stated "Hello." and I replied "Hello, nice to finally meet you!!" Those were the scariest 3 minutes of my life.
You and I hung out in the living room, watching T.V. and just chatting. You walked up to me, kissed me like never before. I felt passion, love, and a real connection that I haven't felt between us before. In that moment I realized that you feel as I do but terrified to move forward. I totally understand why and will continue to love you unconditionally. I know one day we will have our freedom that we speak of and your fear of love will diminish with time. I will wait an eternity for you.
Meeting Emma was a symbol of complete trust, love, and hope for future.
Thunder & Light
Lightning brightens the night as thunder rolls loudly across the sky. I take in the summer night as if it could be my last. I am at your place, like always, because you refuse to come to mine. Thunder loudly cracks across the sky, I jump & you grab me. I am stuck in this tug of war of emotions when it involves you. Pieces of you are starting to show, damn it, now I am tripping in love with you…
My hummingbird heart beats fast like a drum as I sit and wait for my next fix to come.. It beats so fast I can see it beating out of my chest.. As time gets closer things start to happen and my vision starts to fade.. I blink hard and try to focus but nothing changes.. My muscles start to feel weak and my legs begin to shake.. Starting as small spasms building up to an eruption resulting in my legs giving away.. I fall to the floor, that’s when tears start to build.. Fear rushes over me and the smell of death feels the air.. My hummingbird heart goes from a drum to a slow pitter patter.. My breaths become shallow while my lungs become sticky like glue.. As I lay there on the floor taking my last breaths something sweet fills the air.. I can taste it’s partials on my tip tongue which had just enough nectar my lungs became undone.. My breath started back as the sweetness grew in the air.. Allowing more nectar to fill my veins, regaining normalcy my legs grew strength.. I rush to my feet to find the sweet scent when I notice you standing in front of me.. My hummingbird heart back to beating like a drum.. Needing you to survive, keeping my hummingbird heart alive, makes me realize I wish I’d had died..
#hummingbirdheart #death #life
I am writing to someone in the present because I don't have the courage to say what I need to face to face....
My heart breaks piece by piece daily yet I continue to run to you every time you call my name. You told me you wanted a connection with substance, that is what we have. The calm in the air when we are together. The side glances that we pretend not to notice and the smirks we give each other across the room. You beg me to stay then tell me you do not want to be together. You say things like "I miss you", "I love the way you feel next to me", and "I when will I see you again.?"
I don't want to be your entertainment when your bored anymore. I don't want to be your comfort when your having lonely nights or your release when you need sexual healing. I deserve to be loved the way I love you. Your excuse is you have issues, well guess what dude, we all have fucking issues. You didn't have to pretend and lie about what you expected out of us for as long as you have.
I have invested my heart in you. I felt a connection with you that I haven't felt with anyone and I feel you do too or you wouldn't still be around. You would't be so hesitant and afraid to jump with me. I know I will never say this to your face due to fear of losing you completely but I am tired of hurting and crying over you. This is my goodbye letter to us ever being together. No more hoping, pleading, and chasing you for your love. I will heal and find someone who truly enjoys me, all of me.
I often ask myself the same question, especially since I keep most of my writings to myself. I even bought a domain to start a blog and haven't posted a single thing. To afraid of the insults to be vulnerable and put my words out there.
Regardless of that, first off I write to heal. To let out all my pain, sadness, anger and disappointment of self and humanity. I write mostly because I am filled with sadness and pain that never eases or fades. Tears fall daily from my eyes and most of the time I couldn't tell you why other than my heart and soul aches in a way I can't write on paper.
Secondly, I write in hopes to reach someone who is aching like me. To let them know we are all alone and feeling lonely. I want to touch a heart or soul of someone who is at the point of giving up and ending their suffering. I want to be the light in someones life that gives them hope in that exact moment they need it.
I live my life with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) struggling to make it through each day. I am judge, to difficult to be around, and have no interpersonal relationships so I know lonely. I know I am no John Gresham, shit I an not even a Dr. Seuss, but writing has saved me and I will continue regardless if I reach zero people of million.
#lonely #keepwriting #makeadifference
I open the cabinet and pull out one of those blue plastic cups that everyone owns..
Walk over to the cupboard grab the box and walk back to the cup..
Pop open the top, start to pour and smile hearing the pieces fill the cup..
Pop the top back closed then walk to the fridge, pull out the final ingredient and finish off my blue cup of delight..
Sit down on the couch and put a spoon full into my mouth.. Feelings of being a child fill my body, bring me down back to earth, calming me..
I wonder if Lucky Charms will always bring me comfort or if one day it will change into something more grown-up..