Sitting at this job

At this desk

At this counter

For a position that I know I will lose come December

Gets harder and harder.

They say “cutbacks” and “downsizing” never comes easy

And they don’t know that I know, but the pressure is heavy

And it weighs me down farther and my shoulders get weary

And I'm not quite sure how much more I can carry.

Woke up late

Mom was sick

Along with

Brother and sister

Dad was gone,

Left for work

Empty stomachs all around

9:00 am, not fun

Made pancakes, I did

Small and light yellow

A bit greasy

But okay drenched in syrup

We played scrabble

And sucked on popsicles

I won both times

Thought about lunch

Mom and sister

Went to sleep

Brother playing still

By himself

I sit here, tired

And avoiding the dishes

For just a few more

Minutes

Lots of them there are

All dirty, dirty, dirty dishes

But dishes all the same

And Mom would be happy

So I will do the dishes

it was the best of times it was the worst of times. i woke up in a place i called home. went to sleep in a place that was unfamiliar.

it was the best of times, when the cool brezzy wind awakened me, it was the worst of times when i realized that the brezze only can from a fan that swirled over me in a white room.

it was the best of times when i realized i was getting some attention and seemingly real care, it was the worst of times when i discovered that that they were doctors poking and marveling over me.

it was the best of times when i saw that they clock struck two and i was still in bed it was the worst of times when to sound of the morphine alarms sang a low repeated note.

it was the best of times when i looked down at myself and realized that my tummy was flat and toned, it was the worst of times when i felt a tube down my throat and a scar on my stomach. it was the best of times when i drifted off to sleep it was the worst of times when i didn't wake up.

Found out that my best friend stabbed me in the back

Not going to lie, that hurt like a bitch

Between sobs and breakdowns

I debated on how to best get away from them

The funny thing?

I'm not sure I want to

Because I love them so godamn much

The thought of leaving them breaks my heart

Almost more than they already have

Wake up, finally- after all the alarms have been sent to snooze at least once.

5:41 am: Cutting it close, gotta be there by 6 am. New hair cut, it’s short now. Almost short enough to wear down, but I think I still have to put it up. Food service and all. Damn, it’s like... really short. The ponytail is real awkward too, but oh well. I’ll make it work.

6:01 am: Coworker is calling to see if I’m coming. Yes, I’m on my way! I reply quickly, about to grab my shoes and purse. I left my car keys in my purse last night for the distinct purpose of NOT having to search for them. I have already noticed my boyfriend isn’t in bed. His buddy was here last night, they always stay up late. Hopefully he’s not still up! He’s going to need some sleep. Our son will be up in a few hours. I don’t see him on the couch, maybe the spare room?

6:04 am: I’m confused, kinda concerned, kinda pissed. I open the front door to look outside. My car is gone. His car is a piece of crap, so it makes sense he used it to take his friend home. As usual, all the time, without ever getting gas money. Which is fine and all, except it’s my money in the gas tank, my car that should be in the driveway. Now this is a real problem...

6:07 am: After getting no answer from the boyfriend’s phone, I call my manager to explain this stupid and bizarre situation. Apologizing and frustrated, excessively no avail. I’m calling and texting the friend, also nothing.

Between 6:08 am and around 7:30 am: I call the county jail, and the neighboring county just to check. I call the non-emergency police line for my city, which tells me no accident reports have been reported with names or vehicles matching my description. The neighboring county doesn’t give me any word on accident reports and the lady sounded like a bitch. Maybe it’s just me.

Finally around 7:30 am, I get a phone call from the missing boyfriend. He was so incredibly tired he was falling asleep on the way to the friend’s house! Mind you it’s like a 12 minute or less drive with no traffic in the wee morning hours. So instead of just, you know, surviving the arduous journey home, he decided to “sleep for just a minute” in the friend’s driveway. Did you? Was that your best solution? And you’re upset or offended that I suggested you better be in the hospital or in jail, otherwise there’s no excuse for this shit?

I’m sorry, I’ve been offered an assistant manager position, which includes a $2 or more raise, and I have to work on my attendance in order to get the promotion. I’m often a few minutes late, but that’s on me. Now, I’m almost 2 hours late because you slept in a fucking driveway, knowing full well you either a. Didn’t set an alarm or b. Wouldn’t wake up to an alarm anyways. And then when you get home I’m just so unmotivated I sit around for another 15 minutes or so wondering if I should even go in at all, but knowing full well that I will. I've never called off a whole day in two years. Plus I'm a closer so someone will get screwed over if I don't show.

Around 8 am: I rush myself through the doors, back to the office, and bitch about it to my manager, but I apologize first.

The rest of the day goes smooth enough, but there's that tiny voice piping up now and then. Can I even believe that shit? I mean...I cant even believe it, like how...seriously lame...can you be!

But also, he's lied his actual face off so many times. Is it necessarily a bad thing that I'm almost numb to this shit? Not quite, but almost.

The overflowing sink full of dishes that he vowed to do today only adds insult to injury. Carpe fuckin diem.

Its been two weeks since my final interview but I haven't received a call or text from the company whether I'm qualified or not. It's already the fourth company I applied. I am nervous this one will be like the others, supervisors telling me I am not qualified. Because, " Experience is a must to qualify for the position," they say. However in there websites, "Experience is not required and fresh graduates are welcome to appy."

Its tiring to look for a job. But it is more tiring to hear everyday, " How's your application? Did they texted you?" Come on these questions, tortured me. Its hard to answer them because the answers are not what I want to say.