If I could go back...

Would I stay away from you entirely?

Would I admire you from far away, without you knowing I existed?

Would I acknowledge your presence, but remain at a distance?

Would we still become friends, but I don't let you too close?

Would I still love you, but try harder to keep it hidden?

Would I change all my decisions?

Would I make the same mistakes, but prepare myself for how it ends?

Would you still leave me, whatever I change, whoever I am?

Would I still regret everything, however it ends?

If I could go back...

maybe I wouldn't go back at all.

For the past four years, in order to pay for my psychology degree, I’ve been working as a bartender. Bartending may seem dull--and at times it is--but it’s also incredibly fascinating. At least, to me, it is. That’s because alcohol makes people truthful.

It lets their inner child sing. They tell me their wildest wishes, deepest dreams, most outlandish desires. And I listen to it all.

Humans. They’re all so fascinating.

And yet, overpowering all the tears of happiness and celebration, are the cries of regret. They drink to forget their regret. Ha. That rhymes. Must be true.

Here, alcoholics are honest children, begging deep down for a second chance. But I can’t give it to them. I can only give them another drink.

If I could travel back in time

I'd try my best to make things right

I'd try to ease the pain away

And try to fix all my mistakes

I'd dig our "friendship" up from dirt

And ease your pain, your tears, your hurt

And then I'd say "I love you too"

Instead of acting like a fool

I never meant to run away,

This time around, I'll surely stay

In losing you I lost my faith,

My will to live, my one soulmate

I regret not being by your side

I left you in the dust behind

But if I could travel back in time

I promise that I'd make you mine.

My hands were shaking

I clenched the sides of the seat

as I stared into the depths of the bowl.

I was nervous and giggly in the car, anxious too

Laughing as I gloated about how well I would do

and now here I was staring into the depths of the bowl.

Back home, I can look over my shoulder now

and I see the empty notebooks and unmarked books

and anyone looking closely could easily why and how

I was staring into the depths of the bowl.

I saw it all coming in a dream months before

It was a nightmare, it didn't mean anything, I swore

The score report came back, and I knew that number could never be uttered aloud

I felt the world was turning black, and I knew I would never make my parents proud.

My only solace was the dark pit at the bottom of the bowl.

"Lawyer, engineer, doctor, or an economist" ; these words were the soundtrack of my life

"Pick one, get a job, get married, become a wife."

I tried to follow that route, and I felt my heart break

Everytime I tried to drown the voice deep down I felt okay at first,

But then I felt fake.

I turn back and look into the depths of the bowl.

Everything keeps spinning.

Not far off in the kitchen mom is livid–her fury comes out in her silence

Her daughter has failed in every way, when her life was only beginning.

All they had asked of her was excellence

"Throw away the creativity, it will never amount to anything!

You are here to work, dreams are distractions, and life is not as good as you think it will be."

"Mom, Dad? I failed the exam. I never got into law school, and I hid the letters. I'm so sorry."

......

"Where do you think you're going without offering an explanation? Excuse me, we are not done talking here!"

"I'm sorry, I think I'm going to be sick."

"Sickness is temporary. Failure is forever. Go compose yourself, and come back when you've made the right decision."

As I crouched on the floor and stared into the depths of the toilet bowl at the aftermath, I chastised myself over and over for running away and allowing my fear to overpower me.

_____________________________________________________________________

This goes out to all my lovely writer friends and overall my creative friends, who tend to elicit these responses when they announce their career choices. I support you and I believe in you. One day our works will be published, our artwork will be on the walls of galleries, and maybe one day we might be recognized for it by our peers. #bebrave #LEBass #challenge

I should have asked him for one dance

Just one

Maybe,

Just maybe,

In that moment

He might have been able to see how I really felt

When he was beside me

I wanted him to know

Before it was too late

That I loved him

And that I should have asked him for that dance

Just one