I told myself that I knew.

I told myself that I am.

That I was.

But it was a lie.

I don't know who I am or what I stand for.

I claim to be a writer, a faithful daughter and sister, and yet I believe it's a lie.

I am no one yet could be anyone.

So why do I choose nothing?

I am a monster of my own creation.

I am lost.

I am my own.

Am I too bleed for you?

Am I a source of humor, for you to tell others about?

You claim to be my friend, you pull me away from others, and yet you discard me without a thought.

When your mind is too full, I slip out one ear like I don't belong.

You ask why I'm shy. You ask why I cry. You ask why I don't get out more.

Because of you. You have twisted me around, turned our love into a toxicity I cannot live without.

I hate you, because you have made me love you

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a lie. Or if I am a mimic. Would that explain how my personality can change like the shades of water? To some, I am loud and funny. To others I am painfully shy and mute. And yet to others I'm rude with a mighty RBF. I play the role they need me to be. I cannot be my own self, but I sometimes wonder if I even am. I live to serve. I live to be the funny friend, the not-as-pretty friend, the helpful daughter, and the sarcastic sister. Take that away, lock me in a room, and maybe I really am nothing.

Did you see his hand on my thigh? Did your headphones mask the words he whispered in my ear? I was eleven, walking home from school. How could he mistake me for eighteen? Did you? I look just like your mother, is that why you looked away? Were you ashamed? Aroused? Curious? Annoyed? Laughing? Did I deserve it? So disappointed. In you, for looking away. And in me, for knowing I'd have done the same. Lest it happened to me.

Its a strange thing, knowing that you’re going to lose your mind; you can’t fight inevitability.

Its a strange thing, knowing that you’re going to lose your mind; you can’t fight inevitability. You can feel it, watch it, experience every last bit of it as your sanity crumbles, and its so torturously slow.

The giggles that leave my scratchy throat sound like baby soft skin rubbing against sandpaper, feels about like that as well, but I don’t particularly care considering my brain is leaking from my ears in chunks and globs.

It’s a bit sad, not for you, but for all those who watch. For some odd reason they feel that choice is the only way to truly be human. What am I, then? An animal?

But animals can choose.

Something inanimate, then? Or have I simply ceased to exist?

You regret agreeing to this. Everything happening is your own fault... but a part of you knows this is the only way. If you hadn’t agreed to the torture, Amyah would be here, in your place. The blood pooling on the ground would be hers.

You close your eyes, and she is there, instead, the ends of her dress trailing through the blood, and you regret having wished for anything different, because it is your burden to bear. And while people are the only animals to ignore instinct, humans, she believes, are the (It cut off there, I don't know what they meant to say lol)

If you tune out the pounding footsteps, you can almost hear the whisper of wind chimes beyond her bedroom window, feel the warm press of a coffee mug against your smile. Amyah always forgot the sugar. You would wrinkle your nose and she would laugh until you smiled, too. Every morning, when I wake up, I feel a bit more beffudled, and the confusion lasts longer. The lasting effects, following me all day, take up more room in my mind, and take the place that holds all rational thought for their own.

I stop myself before I think anymore. That will trap me into this spiraling world of nothingness I call my head and my mind.

Stop myself from thinking because the only way to get through this is to become crazy. I will lose my head by my own free will. But not right now, when they aren’t here I like to pretend to be normal.

For a moment, everything was silent.

Sparkles flew through the air, lights dazzled the windows and blinded my eyes, the air was still with expectation, and time seemed to stop.

For a moment, I was struck with the beauty of it.

But then the world exploded, and it all became ugly

Suddenly, the sparkles turned into window shards that pierced my skin, the lights were the other cars that were swerving to miss us, the air became heavy with the realization of what was happening, and time seemed to be moving faster and faster but I was frozen in place.

At last, it all stopped, and everything became silent once again.

“Help,” I called out feebly. I tried to move, but couldn’t find the strength to lift myself. I gripped the handle on the roof of the car, but only succeeded in letting out a gasp as pain exploded in my wrist.

I held my hand gingerly against my bruised side, and it was only then that I saw the mark I had left on the handle.

A perfect handprint, soaked in dark red blood.

I couldn’t hold back my whimper as I finally looked around the car.

So much blood.

It was everywhere.

On the dash, seats, steering wheel, seatbelts, and on the little pieces of glass. It was on my face, tightening up my skin as it dried; and in my hair, making it heavy and reeking with a smell that was making me sick.

“Please,” I croaked again. A scream was building in my chest as my hysteria grew but it somehow stayed lodged in my throat.

Rain and blood fell to the same beat, dripping down on every exposed surface. A sigh escaped my lips, turning into the gaspings of a sob.

I was going to die here; scared, cold, alone..

Alone.

Was I alone?

Some hazy part of my mind could remember a hand gripping mine, moments before everything shattered.

I glanced over - and there they were; a shadowed form crumpled down in the driver's seat. I couldn't see their face and it was making my heart race once again.

Gritting my teeth, I gathered what was left of my fleeting strength to pull myself over to the form. I gripped a hand on their shoulder, already so cold to the touch, and turned them towards me.

Horror and bile rose up my throat as the face caught in the moonlight.

It was my own.

To the ones I love and who love me,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't be who you wanted me to be. I don't want to let you all down - but I don't know how much longer I can do this. Every smile I give takes a piece of my heart with it. I don't want to leave you all behind, but I don't know how I can live here.

I wish I knew how to decide - I've been standing on the precipice for so long, it feels like home.

I'm sorry I can't be the perfect daughter, sister, friend.

I want to be, but I don't know how.

I wish…

I wish I wasn't who I am.

But I am. And I'm sorry.

Love, me

I don't know why I can't tell you.

The words burn in my chest, crawl up my throat

But

...

Stop

…

Before they can pass my lips

I've lived in this world - with these people for so long. I don't know how to be anyone other than me.

…

Me

…

Who is Me?

My family - friends - all like to say who Me is

But why can't I believe them?

My lie - my greatest secret?

I don't know who Me is anymore

“The Fate Zone? You know we have never enforced that law. This is not our way. Our way is love and compassion, we don’t turn away those who need our help.”

“Do I really need to remind the Council just what happened last time, when someone questioned the use of that law.” Salvat Spoan gestured to the other Council members.

The long rows of members nodded, some with despair--others, with anger. Salvat Spoan held the Council in his icy gaze, making them squirm. A few people scratched their itchy white wigs. You could see traces of people’s hair peeking out from under their wigs. Blues, greens, reds, with other just as crazy colors.

But Salvat Spoan was not done speaking. “And I certainly don’t need to remind you Kakna Kastar. Since it was your grandfather who questioned it.”

Murmurs rose from the crowd. Everyone thought back to that time when Kalvet Kastar first spoke against the law. He had some fine points and objections about it, that was for sure. But the way he went about voicing them. Was completely wrong.

He spoke loud and angrily. He yelled to the presiding overseer just everything he thought was wrong about the law.

The presiding overseer tried to speak over Kalvet Kastar’s objections but it was no use. Other people began agreeing with Kalvet Kastar’s thinking, speaking out about what they thought was wrong about the Council. The Council wasn’t perfect, so people had plenty to talk about.

All the yelling and screaming wasn’t helped by the Mechs the presiding overseer had called in. It only added coal to the fire. The people thought the overseer was trying to silence them. Not letting their voice to be heard.

He encited a riot.

“What happened with my grandfather was unfortunate,” Kakna Kastar began, “But I--”

“Unfortunate?” Salvat Spoan cut in, “You call a mob unfortunate? You call seven injured and two dead, unfortunate?

“I call it a mistake,” Kakna Kastar responded, with the same amount of fire in her voice as was in Salvat Spoan’s.

“Enough.”

The word wasn’t shouted, but spoken in a voice that silenced all others.

The current presiding officer had finally joined the debate.

“The punishment must fit the crime, correct?” he asked the feuding pair.

Kakna Kastar knew she was losing the battle at that moment. “Yes,” she responded, eyes cast downward.

“They are not our people, they cannot benefit us in any way, and they would be nothing more than a drain on our resources. If they refuse to go back from which they came, there is only one place for them now.”

He fixed Kakna Kastar with a steely glance. “I sentence them to the Fate Zone. May God have mercy on their souls.”

*I was going through some old stories and found this. Hope you liked it. Don't judge too harshly, I was probably thirteen when I wrote this lol*