conversations (part 3)
what I wish he would say to me
I broke your heart. Pretended you didn't mean too much to me, when really, you meant everything.
I lied to try to protect myself, and you, but instead it did the opposite.
I was afraid of love, so I pushed you away.
I'm so sorry, and I know I can never make up for what I did to you.
But everything feels wrong. My life isn't the same without you.
I want you. I need you.
It doesn't matter that we're hours apart, we'll figure it out.
We're meant for each other. All we have to do is try.
I want to try.
You're worth it.
Its cliché but I broke a heart
The worst is that I'm not sure if it was yours or mine.
Ok here goes;
You lit a fire within me. One that had been previously lit but never blazed.
That fire lit up a large part of my life for a little while.
But when I realised the potential dangers of such a destructable force, I did everything in my power to stop it. The spectacular crash landing of that friendship was almost as powerful as its launch.
Worst of all I know now that as addictive as it was, it could have been something great.
So I'm sorry. For your actions and mine. For our pride and for letting you light that fire in the first place.
I'm sorry.
Honesty
You’re gone again, and I’m afraid I broke you finally. I am worried that I’m extrapolating or that one question went from sounding like a scared kid to an accusing girlfriend. I will say that I wasn’t honest when I told you that it was fine that we were just friends. My feelings have this way of becoming cancer, multiplying until it becomes obsessive and toxic and needs to be cut out or treated like more than puppy love. I don’t think I love you. Man, that sounds bad, but everything sounds more articulate in a shower than it does when you’re sitting with the feelings hanging off of your shoulders like chain mail weighing down every thought with some level of uncertainty.
I’d be lying if I shrugged off a potential situation of you being gone for months again by saying “I don’t care if you go” because I do. I really do. Mainly because we are friends (at least I hope we still are), and the uncertainty is unbearable. Any potential situation that could happen has happened at least three times in my head, and I cannot articulate that with my words. I can’t exactly say without the weirdness looming over me either making me feel ashamed and shut up or loading so many words onto my feelings that you can’t find the actual message.
So, I want to try to say this without any fancy words and crazy language. Why’d you leave? Did I do something wrong? Are you coming back? I am sorry if I upset you. I can guarantee I didn’t mean to be awful. I promise you this won’t happen again. I hope I didn’t break you.
A lesson in a way...
Early in the morning Anvarjon's head began to ache. As if that was not enough, the sound of a baby crying in the back room came to his ears and began to scream at his eldest daughter.
- Who is there? Dilnura! Look at your sister!
Realizing that his father was angry, Dilnura immediately entered the room where the child was crying and began to comfort her sister.
Meanwhile, two more daughters came to Anvarjon. The two girls, now nine, and one who is still eight, have made tea before their dad gets up and have breakfast with their older sister Dilnura and even sweep the courtyard.
"Daddy, tea is ready!" Will you go out? ”He said to his other daughter, Anvarjon.
- Do you know your mother? Anvarjon held his head firmly. - This time ...
When Anvarjon said this, Zebihan came to his mind. He stood up and went to the window, thinking that his wife's "night sickness" had begun and that another guest would soon be coming home. Something scratched his heart as he looked at the little boys on the street, who were going to school and kindergarten, and the boys with their friends on the other side. The pain was not alien to Anvarjon ...
Zebihan and Anvarjon's life was just as sweet as everyone else. Especially in the first meeting, they were both feeling strange.
So they had their wedding. Happy days accompanied them. Finally, they had their first child. Girl! Dilnura was named for the joy of hearts. Anvarjon was very happy during those years. His head was full of joy, and his heart was filled with excitement when he saw the sweet things of his little girl.
Thus, the first two years of a happy moment, another baby was born into the family. That girl was also a girl. Anvarjon was also very happy this time.
Years passed. Zebihan gave birth to a second child. And what happened to this girl! But Anvarjon was still sweet. He never saw the light that shook his heart. After all, the hopes, confidence and dreams of his second daughter were stirred, and his purpose was to be his son ... Then the family came and saved the young family. Anvarjon hoped for the pieces of trust that were left to his heart. He believed in the fulfillment of his eternal dream.
A year and a half later, a girl was born. Now, this time, he lost his family. It was a habit that came home late. His wife was no longer interested in Zebihon and his daughters. He even developed a habit of arguing with his wife for a bit, going out on the street to find a reason.
Thinking about that, Anvarjon's heart started to hurt. He's not interested this time! Anyway ...
Anvarjon went out on the street in spite of the girls' entreaties.
There is no car on the streets this morning. People who rush to work, to study, are often stopped by cars. Anvarjon, though nervous, could not be indifferent to the passenger who had been waiting for the car at the side of the road. He parked his car in front of her.
- Brother, please drive to the hospital near the market! Just be quick, brother ... - the passenger said, sitting in the car, closing the door.
Anvarjon started to go to the destination. He always looks at the back seat through a mirror. The poor passenger had a hard time! Why, then, would a big man sit in tears?
After a while he poured the contents on Anvarjon:
- My two sons are being put to the surgery table today! God created these two children with disabilities ... The doctors told me yesterday that my children could be treated. That's all I hope, brother!
Continuing on the car, Anvarjon was trying to get to the destination as soon as possible. Here he is. But…
A message was received from the passenger's phone and he told Anvarjon that he could not hold back his tears.
- What happened? Any bad news? Said Anvarjon strangely.
But the passenger did not answer. He lowered his head and got out of the car. So… Anvarjon fluttered like a ball of rice into his head.
As he drove through the city streets, he saw a man and a woman waiting for a taxi. At first glance they could not be called young. He was much older than Anvarjon.
As soon as the car stopped, they went to the salon and the guy said the address. Anvarjon agreed and drove the car.
The scuffle of the passengers seemed to be so serious that they didn't even stop in the car. Sometimes a man screams at his wife and sometimes a woman screams at her husband. Anvarjon, who listened to these scandals unexpectedly, concluded: "They have no children!"
Passengers got off the car when they reached the destination. Thinking that Anvarjon's ears had calmed down, his mood increased again. But he was no longer able to drive. It had been occupied by her own dreams ...
Some time later, Anvarjon came. As it turned out, his wife was in pain!
Anvarjon rolled his car and drove to the hospital. As we made our way to the destination on the highway, an unintelligent feeling came into my mind. It has never happened in Anvarjon before. Even when she had four daughters! Now the pain in his heart was gone. It doesn't matter if Zebi still has a son or daughter. It is important that his wife is safe and sound…