"They don't care like I do! They'll leave you as soon as the parties end." I huffed at him. "You've...changed."

"Maybe I've changed for the better. They're my friends, I'm not going to ditch them just because you don't like them!"

"What about me? You're ditching me, to be with you're so called friends. Do I not matter to you anymore? We've been friends since kindergarten!"

"Jenny, that's not what I meant." He stepped forward and put his hand on my cheek. I stared at the floor. I pulled his hand away and stared at the wall. He knew I was mad and I knew he was too.

"I think you know what you mean to me, but I don't even know you anymore." I hear my voice crack as I speak.

"I guess you can't count on anything." He says. I hear his footsteps become distant and I flinch as the door slams.

"I'm in love with you Conner..." I whisper, even though he has already left.

* * *

I wish I could go back. Back before I fell for my best friend. Things would have been different and I wouldn't have cared as much who he hung around. They are toxic. They're ruining his life.

We had planned it all. After high school we would move in with each other to save money. We were best friends, so it was the best plan. This was the first fight we've ever had. He was going to collage to become an engineer and I was going to become a publicist. But his new "friends" convinced him to stop showing up and spend his time partying instead. He's throwing his life away over people who don't even know him. The worst part of all is that he thinks I'm the bad guy. If only I could have told him how I felt. Maybe that could have changed something.

* * *

Conner hasn't came home in a week. Every night I leave the light on, hoping that he will show up and that everything will be all right. I know that it's wrong to wait so long.

He called the other night, but I didn't have the courage to answer the phone. He left a message for me.

"I'm d-doing fine. I just thought I'd tell you. I'm sorry for the way I left things, Jenny..."

He still stutters when he lies. I'm just hoping he'll come to his senses and come home soon.

* * *

Today I've felt especially guilty and decided to take a mental health day. It feels like my heart is broken in two and I can't find the half. My chest is hollow. I wallow in my own self-pity.

I hear the front door to the apartment open right as I'm drifting asleep. My eyes flutter open to see that Conner is standing before me. I stand up and face him. Too many feelings are flooding my mind at once, so tears begin to pour from my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jenny. I'm so sorry." He walks towards me. "I never should have left. I've been calling, but you never answer, so I thought you were mad at me. I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't care or that you mean nothing to me."

Conner grabs my hands and we look deep into each other's eyes.

"The truth is, you mean everything to me. You've taught me so much. And I wouldn't be here without you. I was stupid to get involved with those people. I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'm not going to screw this up again."

The sincerity in his eyes makes me sorry for ever being mad at him. He takes his thumb and wipes away a tear by my cheek.

"Oh yeah, one last thing." He tilts my head up and kisses me softly and I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

You never cease to make me smile,

Even if you've been gone awhile.

You listen to all of my problems,

Even if they are all awful.

You always keep me in a happy mood,

No matter what you're going through.

You say that I'm beautiful,

But I don't see it.

I can't take your compliments.

Why can't you just leave it?

You say I need to believe.

But what's wrong with your eyes?

When I look in the mirror,

I don't see what you see.

How do you love someone

As imperfect as me?

Try to smooth out all my edges

Molding me into perfection

Changing the person I call “me”

“Stop ruining me!”

I beg and plead

Your judgement is torture

Leave me alone

Stop trying to change me

Down to the bones

You don’t need to change me

I am who I am

I love me

That’s all I can be

I will love me for eternity

I walk through the school hallways towards my locker. The school day was mostly a blur. It's a Friday and I along with everyone else was excited to go home. My usual friends await me at my locker and we make jokes a talk for a few minutes before walking out together.

My friend Shane and I walk next to each other. He is several inches taller than me so I have to look up to him to see his face. He has long, wavy, brown hair around shoulder length, that I have imagined running my fingers through more than once. I've had a crush on Shane for a while now and I don't quite know why. I hardly ever talk to him, but for some reason I am drawn to him.

We reach the front door and part ways with everyone. I walk in the opposite direction as they go out the doors. I head for the other doors towards the gym.

"Hey Lucy, wait up." Shane yells running up to me. I stop in front of a janitor's closet.

"Hey, Shane." I blush at him. We both smile at each other.

"I need to tell you something. It's been kind of bothering me lately." He says rubbing the side of his head in a nervous manner.

"What is it? " I ask nervously.

"I uh," He looks down at the floor and then gets closer to me.

I stare into his cornflower blue eyes. Shane's lips crash into mine and he puts his hands on the sides of my face. He pulls away and looks at me for a reaction. I look at the floor and smile as I push my hair behind my left ear. I look back up at him and wrap my arms around his neck and we kiss each other. He put his hands on my hips and our lips move in sync. I've never had this feeling before. Something inside of me felt so right and we continued to kiss.

Our kissing became a tad intense so Shane and I made our way into the closet .

* * *

"I can't believe you had a dream about Shane." Frankie gushes.

"Ruby is right over there." I shush her.

Ruby is Shane's ex and a good friend of mine. The last thing I wanted was for her to think that I have a crush on him. I have no idea whether they are even over each other yet and it's a given that you don't date your friends' exes.

"It's fine, calm down."

"Don't you dare tell anyone."

"You know I won't."

"I mean I'm going to tell Nicole later but that's it. I'm pretty embarrassed about this. I mean I don't have a crush on Shane, but it sucks to have a dream like that about a friend. I just don't know what to think." I blab.

"You've never had a dream about a friend like that before?" Frankie raises an eyebrow.

"What, you have?"

"Of course." She tells me in specific details about the dreams that she has had.

* * *

I walk towards my fifth hour class slowly. It was my study hall and the teacher doesn't care if I was late or not. I like the empty hallways more than full hallways. I see Shane come down the stairs and he smiles at me. I smile back and we continue to walk towards each other. For some reason he speeds up as if he's going to run into me. But instead he abruptly stops in front of me.

"Not cool." I laugh.

He doesn't say anything. Shane just stares into my eyes and kisses me deeply and pulls away. I bite my lip and then smile. He smiles back at me with a look of relief on his face. Shane tucks my hair behind my left ear and kisses me again while holding my face.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time."

"Yeah, me too."

"I overheard you telling Nicole about your dream at lunch.."

I felt my cheeks get hot. Oh no.

"It's okay. We all have dreams like that sometimes." His face is all the reassurance that I need. Shane takes my hand and walks me to class.

My friend Carla looks at us by the doorway and smirks. "It's about time."

"Dana, I can't do this anymore."

"What?" She speaks, confused and upset. "Did I do something?"

"No, I just don't feel anything anymore. I can't keep lying to you anymore." I look into her dull blue eyes that are tearing up. "I've laid here night after night not feeling the way I did before."

I feel bad for saying how I feel because I know it hurts her. But I know that I shouldn't be leading her on if I don't feel the same way.

"Is there someone else?" She sounds angry now, which was expected.

"No. There's no one else. I just can't keep trying to find feelings that aren't there. It's not you it's me." I hate myself for saying that.

"How cliché." she growls.

"Cliché or not; its true. I'm leaving. "

"Please don't go. Simon, I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you." She chokes her words out through tears.

"Sometimes the one you want isn't the one you need." I pause, trying to keep my composure. "What goes around doesn't always come back around." I pause. "You should know me by now."

"You should know me too." She screamed as I walked out the door.

* * *

"How've you been?" I say as she opens the door. I'm surprised she doesn't slam the door in my face as soon as she sees me. She gives me a glare that could kill a man.

"Can I come in? I just came to get my things and then I guess I'm leaving."

"It doesn't have to be like this." Her eyes are cold, but her voice sounds sincere.

I walk over to my drawers and start to fill the bags that I brought with me. We had only lived together for a few months so I only had a few things here. Out of our two-year relationship, moving in together was the worst part. She barely let me keep the things I liked.

"If I could say what you'd like to hear I'd say 'It's only temporary.' But this is permanent." I say as I pack.

"Come on, what did I do? Why don't you love me anymore?"

I finished packing my clothes and moved on to the bookshelf to get my books, CD's and movies. "I didn't say that. I've just been taking you for granted. I hoped that you would feel the same as me..." I say not looking at her.

"Well I don't Simon. I'm in love with you. "

"Here are my keys." I sigh. "You keep the apartment. I changed the bills." This seems a lot easier than I imagined it would be. At least she isn't trying to kill me or anything like that.

"Where did we go wrong, Simon? How can one of us feel blessed while the other one's lost?

Her question made me think. It's a terrible thing for that to happen. Being rejected by someone is unreal, it has happened to me too many times to count. But it's better to end things instead of leading someone on. Everyone deserves to be happy. You can't be happy without a little sadness.

"I know it hurts to feel the change, but it feels worse when our love stayed the same." I picked up my bags and left the apartment, not looking back.

She feels like she's falling

She wants to be alone

For help she was calling

Her heart, heavy as stone

Her eyes dripping tears

Thinking there's nothing left

She's reliving her tears

She wants to be blessed

Her best friend's a razor

She closes the blinds

Writes her thoughts down on paper

And fills all the lines

The razor cuts deep

The music blares loud

She lays there and weeps

She does as she's vowed

As she takes her last breath

She seems to be saved

She welcomed death

But death was just grazed

Now she's alive

She had been at her worst

She had been revived

She was no longer cursed

It's normal for me to sit here and think of what life means; what I mean. I can't help but think of how I'd be better off dead, or how I wish I could've had a different life. I've made so many mistakes in my life and I wish I could change that. I cannot undo them no matter how much I wish. No matter where I go or what I do, I am constantly reminded of how much I've messed up. Is it so much to ask for, to start again?

The weight of the world is too heavy for my shoulders. There's too much to think about and too much to worry about. If only I could just make it all go away. Is life even worth living? Life is stupid. There's too much hassle. It's too emotional. Some people have great lives and some people don't. It's hard to fathom how much someone goes through on a daily basis. They may seem fine on the outside, while they're a mess on the inside. You never know what others are going through.

I back down to people. I let them walk all over me. The taunts, the names, the hurtful things they say to me are just too much. There's only so much a single person can take. Everyone has limits. After a while the pain starts to fade and all you're left with is anger and then nothing.

Numbness.

It's terrible to feel nothing. It's as though you finally realize all the things they said are true. But are they? Are they really true? No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know anymore. Why would they say them if they were not the truth?

I walk through the school hallways alone. I am alone in a crowed room. Class is a bore. How can I pay attention when the back of your head is being bombarded with spitballs and wads of paper? The kids think it's fun to pick on someone like me. Why? I've never done anything to them. So what's their motive?

Different. Weird. Stupid. Ugly. Worthless. Unlovable. Freak. Abomination. Loner. Loser. Hopeless. Broken. Unfixable. Useless. Unwanted. Lost. Dumb. Fat. Faggot. Idiot. Lame. Disgusting. Disgrace. Creature. Punk.

Nothing.

Those words impact me. I've hear them so many times. I've never thought that I was anything worth noticing, I am nothing, and they were right. Those names do suit me. I've lost most of my feelings. My heart is decaying and I have no reason to care about anything. There's nothing worth staying alive for. They took it all away. The names took everything. I am nothing thanks to them.

But sometimes there are those rare moments I'm not numb. Sometimes I can feel that anger rage inside of me. The little sorrow I have mixes with my anger and I lose all control.

I have anger towards to people who called me names, but most of all, myself. I loathe myself. Everything they said was true and I was too stupid to realize it all until now. I am nothing. There's no reason for me to be here.

During the day I am all alone. School is torture. Can they not see the pain they cause me? Or maybe that's it. They want me to feel pain. They want me to suffer. That's just who they are, they're horrible. The teachers are far too stupid to realize that anything is going on. They look down on me as well. They look at me like I'm a mistake, an answer someone tried to erase, but didn't quite get the job done.

People are rude. They are cruel. How do they think it's fun to do these things? Who knows, maybe they're just trying to spare me and tell me how things really are? Yeah, that's probably it. I'm just worthless and needed to be told, so my hopes wouldn't be raised.

I'm thankful that people have told me what they think. Now I know that I am truly useless and have no purpose on this earth. People have proven that to me.

Every once in a while I get a glimmer of hope that someone out there could help me. Someone who could understand what in going through and tell me that everything's going to be alright and that everyone lied when they said those horrible things. But that'll never happen. No one ever talks to me anyway.

Anyone who's ever gotten close to me or tried to get close to me, only wants to hurt me in some way. I'm not fit to be around others. They just want to see me crumble. That's what they all want.

They. All. Want. Me. To. Break.

I don't understand why I even bother. People are doing a great job making my life a living hell. Any inkling of care that anyone had, had for me was long gone by now. I'm alone. Everyone is selfish anyway. No one wants to help others, they just want to tear each other down and watch each other suffer. Survival of the fittest.

Rude. Bitch. Annoying. Rowdy. Bully. Prick. Asshole. Jerk. Self centered. Stupid. Evil. Narcissistic. Self-absorbed. Unintelligent. Selfish.

I don't need them. I don't need anyone. I'm better off dead anyway. No one cares. If they did they would have shown it by now and not let me suffer here. Maybe, just maybe it would have been different. But no this is the way it has to be.

They have made me believe there is nothing for me, and I'm done. People have led me to this. It's their fault I feel this way. I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back.

I have several types of pills lined up on my bathroom sink. They differ from shape, size and color. I'm only assuming that taking them in bulk will do the job. My bathtub is also filled. The water is cold. It welcomes me. It's as if its calling me; begging for me to join it.

I take each pill individually. It takes a while, but I want to make sure that they all go down. I'm unsure how many I've taken when I finish, but there was enough to make me feel slightly uneasy.

I step into the tub. I feel the water soak into my clothes and shiver. This is what I want. I think. I cover myself in water my head is the only part that is not wet. I slowly lean my head back, allowing my hair to become wet. Then my ears, and the ready of my head.

This is it. I'm done for. No more being made fun of, no more pain. But, maybe I should stay.. I didn't always feel pain. I remember when I was happy, when people were nice to me. Recently people have treated me badly, but that doesn't mean they'll always treat me that way. I always hear that things get better..

Maybe I just need to get out of this town and have a fresh start. Somewhere I can make friends, somewhere I can be happy. That wouldn't be so bad.

Maybe life is worth living. Just because some people believe I am something doesn't mean I am. They may say that I'm nothing, but they don't know what I'm like, what I'm capable of. I can show them. I will overcome this and show them that they were wrong. I'm worth something, more than they can imagine. Living overshadows dying. We all live and die, but I should not try to end my life. I'll die when I'm supposed to. When I'm older, not now.

Their words mean nothing. I chose to believe the so often lies that left their lips. How stupid of me to think less of myself just because someone decided to be horrible to me. I am what I want to be, not how someone perceives me. Some eyes tell lies. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but their words are nothing short of a lie.

Being different is what made them hate me, but being different is what's important. Now I see that I'd rather be different, and outcast, instead of being part of the cookie cutter world.

I open my eyes wide. I feel the water rush over them, as I'm still underwater. It begins to hurt my eyes, I open my mouth and water seeps into my lungs. I resurface and cough in order to exert the water from my lungs. I breathe in and out heavily, trying to regain my regular breathing rate.

I'm alive.

The freezing water still surrounds me. And I am confused as to why I thought this would be a viable way out. Nothing in my life would be worth this. If I were to die, they would win. I would be the coward. They would be right. Well, now I am the winner. I will not give into them.

Real revenge is making something of yourself. I plan on making them all see who I really am.

I call 911 and take a deep breath. I need to be here.

I am infinite; sempiternal.