"Eight years ago! How have you managed to hold yourself together for that long!"

"Now, I would like to place the focus of these sessions solely on you, my dear. I have assisted many unfortunate parents during my career, and I can safely say that you are going to heal just as my previous patients had."

"Oh, I find it so hard to believe your words! It's as if, as if this life of mine was just, y'know - an illusion! Yes, oh, that is it! An illusion, nothing more! And she was so happy, I know it, I do. I can't picture it with any logic in my head, yet still I do! How can a happy person do such a thing?"

"I am familiar with those exact thoughts that are currently loitering around your head. For goodness' sake, you ought to get those odious thoughts out of your head. There is nothing that torments a man more other than probing into the depth of his own thoughts! What I can tell you is that you must accept your ignorance. None of us have the faintest idea of what's behind the facade of our minds, let alone of the world around us."

"How? How can I even think of not thinking? She was my everything! And you're telling me to flush my emotions. No. I can't allow that. If she exists in my mind, even at the cost of my own sanity, she will!"

"My dear, I acknowledge everything that you just said. I only beg you not to blame yourself for your daughter's choice. Now, do you remember the moral of the story of Orpheus and Eurydice?"

"I have a hard time remembering my name."

"Do not look back, for it doesn't take you the slightest step forward."

She strips away the winter wear

But leaves it out to dry

She warms herself in Sun’s bright light

Taking her sweet time

She slowly starts to gathering

All her friends and more

And puts to task just one of them

To sweep up off the floor

All that lingers from the season

Holidays; great cheer

Festive parties; gatherings

And ringing in ’new year

She’s diligent behind the scenes

Even in a frost

Preparing for her premier

When snow, for now, is lost

Spring has been quite busy

Sowing her new dress

She’s had the help of faithful friends

Many hands make burdens less

Flocking, they will travel far

From the south to see

The matinee she’s working on

Her annual destiny

Even should a sudden snowfall

Take her by surprise

She won’t be late, she has a date

Her show, in days, arrives

It’s time; the moment waited for

Her production in grand scale

March 20th, the day is here

Spring’s finally unveiled!

Que the chorus; sounds of music

Birds of every kind

Fill the morning with great cheer

And this heart of mine

First on stage the almond tree

Budding with white brilliance

And then the cherry, making happy

Pink hued luminescence

My favorite guest, I’d have to say

The Sun whose been away

Not really, but it sure seems so

With Winter’s shortened days

The peach tree, soon; will don her jewels

And draw the bees to gather

From her blossoms, small and fragile,

Life, of golden nectar

On goes the song; a live performance

Though, waiting in the eaves

Is Summer; Sun’s bright star presents

When Spring, the stage, she leaves

my second grade teacher liked to ask us, “How do you feel today, on a scale of one to ten?” ten always meant i’m super, thank you. and one was always “not today, mrs. burns, not today.”

but i never liked numbers, they always twist and rebel against my mind. so i chose to speak in colors instead.

january 3rd - i am the color of chocolate chip ice cream but i’ve eaten all the chocolate chips. i am calm.

february 7th - i am a bruise of blue and violets today. i think it would be best if i sat by the window. these are unhappy colors.

april 11th - i am turquoise, i am magenta, i am every color in the rainbow.

april 13th - i am gray, i am silent.

may 1st - i am orange, the color of melting creamsicles on a beach in July.

june 12th - i am as yellow as the school bus that will bring me home to summer. i am free.

fourteen years later, i still use colors. the winter makes me feel cobalt blue, the ocean turns me sea foam green. violets and purples leave me uneasy and scarlet is a fever of fury. some nights i drown in shades of navy, denim, and cornflower but other nights i mediate in forests of harlequin and shamrock.

but you,

you leave me a blinding white followed by a soft yellow:

the color of sunlight after a period of darkness.

i don’t want to be someone who writes in pencil and eats too slowly and walks with eyes that are glued to the sidewalk and tops of strangers’ feet. i’ve been underwater for so long that i’ve forgotten lungs are meant to be filled with air, exhaling seems more like something found on the second star on the right, rather than a process that is meant to be done twenty-three thousand times a day. i feel like an old woman who looks in the mirror and all she can see are wrinkles and white hair and tired eyes and the absence of who she used to be. but i’m not someone who turns away from sunsets and pretends that darkness is all i’ve ever known; someone who thinks the sun will never rise again. because the sun will rise again - the words hiding inside of me will find their way out, because i cannot hold my breath forever. i am not someone who writes in pencil and erases the bits that are too honest and too imperfect and too real to claim as thoughts of my own. i cannot keep my lips pursed and hands tied behind my back, i cannot keep pretending i am shadow of who i used to be. my tomorrows hold suns much brighter than the ones that have risen over the horizons of my past; i have not reached the summit yet. there is so much more me for me to become. each day, i am new.