Looking up at you now,

I see nothing, but

Beauty and inspiration.

Yet spending all of my time consuming you does not make me more inspiring,

Only inspired.

I think of you,

And I can escape the dull beating of my life

For a moment.

Holding you here in my arms,

I know that you are further away than I imagine you to be--

But I need a hit.

Through you,

I cling to what I can of the person I want to be.

I never said I wanted this,

I myself would like to be inspiring.

No longer engulfed in juvenile affection.

But I am this.

Since I found out that you exist,

The worst place in the world to be

Has been inside of my own head

Wondering if maybe eternity does exist,

Here in this city

Without you.

Finally, he was letting me see into his mind. He described to me that moment when a part of you has been waiting for someone you love to reach out to you. Despite the lack of reasons you’ve had to hold out hope, you hold it tightly anyways. Then your birthday rolls around. And you think, this is it. This is the moment that they will come back into my life, because they were just waiting for an opportunity to reach out to me... And now that opportunity is here. So you keep your phone on you all day, checking it constantly— wanting to see their name pop up as soon as they press send. But that doesn’t happen, because they don’t press send to anything directed at you. You hear nothing from them. And then you know it’s really over. There’s no more optimism left in you to hold out hope... You even start to wonder if anything had ever begun in the first place. Or were you just fooling yourself?

When he told me this, it was on my birthday— and he didn’t know. I was with him in that bar, but he wasn’t with me. Physically yes, but not emotionally. I wasn’t the girl who he wanted to see on his birthday, he was just the boy who I wanted to be with on mine.

I realized then that the feelings I had thought he had for me were not his at all. They had never been his. They were mine... My feelings for him, my feelings that I wish he had for me, and my feelings that I wish I had for myself.

Well yesterday his birthday rolled around, and I didn’t remember. I guess now I know it's really over.

She is beautiful,

And she is looking at me.

Eyes sparkling,

Slightly squinting.

Lips cleaving,

Before gently pursing.

Smiling,

Then laughing.

No more movies of you flicker through my mind,

And I am happy.