I am the Déjà Vu you feel on entering a room,

I am the chill upon your spine on sunny afternoons,

You feel me when you say "Someone just walked across my grave!"

And I'm the razor blade that cuts you when you take a shave.

I am what makes you hurry when you're walking home alone,

I am the cat that's staring at you from across the room,

I am the feeling in your stomach just before you fall,

And I am what awaits you when you quit your mortal coil.

Be sure you know I'm waiting for that fatal final slip,

Be sure that I'll be present when you dive in for a dip,

And when you're at the seaside and the water looks so cool,

I am the current there that's going to sweep to your doom.

It's only just a moment that I need to make you mine,

And once I have you, you'll be gone until the end of time,

So go about your business, gather rosebuds while you may,

And be aware I'm with you waiting for that fatal day.

if I were an honest person

I would tell you

the tea bags beneath my eyes

were soaked in salt water

and the only reason

my lips still taste sweet

is because I drink honey

in an attempt to stick

my insides back together

without tearing myself apart

the way I used to

but I was never honest

so instead I claim

that there hang

two separate midnights

like ornaments to decorate

the foliage of my lashes

and my lips taste sweet

because nothing bitter

has ever passed through them

if I told the truth

the way that good girls do

I'd admit to you

that my face is red

from crying and my hands

are red from dying my skin

the color of strawberries with

my own insides and my

lips are red with lust and my

feet are red from

running away from my past

and my knuckles are red

from it catching up

but I've never been a very good girl

and I keep convincing you

that my eyes are raw from

allergies and my hands

are tinted from writing in ink

and my lips are pink

with the taste of your lips only and

my feet are swollen from

bad circulations and my knuckles

well that was an accident

really

it was

if I loved you

the way you love me

I could honestly say my skin

is bruised from tripping

and my clothes are mussed

by the wind alone and

you're the only man

I dream about kissing

but I think you know

although I've never said

that my skin is speckled

by someone else's love bites

and my outer layer

has been rearranged

by his greedy hands

and I long to be wrapped up in him

sometimes even

when I'm wrapped up in you

if I were a descent person

I would let you know

and let you go

but you and I both

hold on even when

I'm in his bed

and you come running in

to tangled sheets and broken dreams

even when my hands

are wrapped around his neck

we lock eyes

and everything is alright

because sometimes lies

feel honest

when we believe them

ourselves

the last boy that broke my heart

told me I'm

deceptive ocean waves

I flood all of your senses

and peel back your armor

digging my ripples into

your skin until I've invaded

every crevice of your being

tossing you within an

indigo abyss of my lies

the last time I spoke to God

my lips fluttered over the

thought of his existence

fingertips faltering as I grazed

along my mile long scars

traces of blocked memories

pushed into the

corners of my mind

when I said goodbye to Him

cerulean ink bled from my eyes

and the gashes on my wrists

the last time I sliced open my torso

I plucked back my skin

and pushed aside all of my

muscles, glands, and nerve endings

dragging my heart out

tearing off bits and pieces

and placing parts of myself

in loved ones until

I was left with blue veins

and a hollow chest

shed your skin-

peel off everywhere he touched-

rid yourself of his stains

until you're finally clean

slash open your dams

and cry a river

but do not drown in your sadness

let your tears

wash over your lovedrunk cheeks

until your heart grows sober

do not listen to the shadows

that say you are worthless

do not take their whispers

as words of wisdom

learn to love yourself

like narcissus

loved his reflection

remember-

he is not ouranos-

he did not put the stars in the sky

there were cosmos in your bones

long before you met him

"Oh my god, I'm so glad you're here!" Euphoria greets me as I walk in, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the center of the party.

"Are you hungry? Thirsty? There are-"

The pumping bass beat of the music cuts her off; it's too loud to hear anything but some Gwen Stefani song telling us how to spell bananas, but Euphoria's used to it. She raises her voice above the noise, screeching in my ear.

"There are drinks over by the bar and there's tons of food, and if you want to dance-" she stops mid-sentence as someone in the crowd screams her name. "Wait, I have to go. I'll see you later, okay?"

She flashes me one of her dazzling smiles and hurries off, throwing herself into the sea of drunken high schoolers. What a kicker. She talks like she's an exclamation point on fire.

-

After we say our goodbyes, I dive into the thick crowd of people and head towards the bar. I pass through the crowd, smiling and waving at the people I know. Loneliness sits in the corner of the enormous room, with his frumpy strawberry hair cascading over his eyes. Even the scarlet freckles on his face look alone. A few yards away from him, sitting as still as a rock, is Isolation. She talks to no one. All Isolation does is sit up against the wall and glare intently at the passerbys. Including me.

I quickly angle my stare away from the pair, and sit down at the bar.

"Whaddaya wanna drink?" the waitress at the bar asks me.

"Just a coke," I say.

"A rum and coke, you mean?" she questions, running her fingers through her jet black hair.

"Just a coke," I say again, louder.

The girl's ruby red mouth cracks, and she raises her eyebrows as if she's amused.

She turns around and yells, "Gloom, come here!"

A lanky girl, similar looking to my waitress, trudges up to the bar and sits down beside me. "What, didja find a buzzkill?" Gloom asks, taking a sip of her drink.

"Damn right I did. She wants a goddamn coke," she scoffs, throwing her thumb my way.

"Rum and coke, you mean?"

"No, a coke."

"Well, give her the goddamn coke then, Doom," Gloom says, pulling out a cigarette. "Got a light?" she asks me. I shake my head.

"But if I give her the goddamn coke, she won't have any fun," Doom says. "She won't have any fun when she's sober."

"I don't give a flying fuck," Gloom says distractedly, tapping the shoulders behind her to ask for help. "Give her the goddamn-hey-hey, hey, you got a light?"

Doom groans and slides me the soda. I tentatively take a sip, letting the caffeine slip down my throat.

"So, are you two twins?" I ask, trying to lighten the darkening mood.

"Unfortunately, yeah, it's been nineteen years of staring into an ugly-ass mirror," Gloom sighs, taking a puff of her finally-lit cigarette. "But we're not really alike, I mean. She's a fucking pyromaniac. A party maniac, too. She's the one who brought me to this lame-ass thing anyway. God, being here makes me wanna kill myself."

"I'll murder you before you get the chance," Doom growls, "now would you stop being so goddamn depressing?"

"Fuck you," Gloom mutters, extending her middle finger and jabbing it into Doom's throat.

"You would, wouldn't you?" a voice laughs, interrupting the twins' soon-to-be argument. Lust sidles up to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. He pulls me close, lifting the hair off of my ear.

"Hey," he whispers seductively, "miss me?"

I jump, turning away from his touch. "You can't miss someone you've never met," I say, emotionless, as I back up from him.

"I beg to differ," Lust whispers again.

The truth was, I've met Lust before. Lust is every boy I'd ever met; it's just that his face is different than the ones I've seen. He has lemonade-stained hair unlike the brown I'm comfortable with. His eyes are a smoldering green, while I'm used to staring at dark chocolate. He is strong and smooth and traceable, with parallel lines on his stomach, while the boy I'm thinking of is frail and rough and stick-straight, like a stretchy ruler that grew tired of bending.

A warmth falls over my back. Lust is back at it again, pulling me towards him and putting his hands where he shouldn't. That's the problem with Lust, he doesn't think with his top half, only with his bottom.

"Wanna go see the upstairs?" Lust murmurs, and, lowering his voice, says, "I've got a bed sheet you'd look great in."

I laugh, then. What a goddamn prick. "No thanks," I say politely, brushing him off of me and yanking my hand away.

"Oh, c'mon," Lust cackles, "I was only kidding. I've just got a friend who wants to see you, and he's not one for crowds, you know?"

"I'm not sure," I say quietly. I used to know a boy like that. He preferred vacant places and hollow chocolate over occupied spaces and the solid dark blocks in his eyes.

"What, you don't trust me?" Lust asks coyly, putting his hand on the small of my back.

"We've never met," I remind him.

"Bullshit," Lust smiles, "I've seen you in my dreams." He takes hold of my hand, and in a second, we're upstairs.

Goddamn prick.

-

The sound of the amplified music fades, along with the strobe lights and the chatter on the dance floor. Lust brings me to the bedroom threshold. "C'mon, he's in here" he says, opening the door.

A sigh comes from down the hallway. My old friend, Wisdom, sits cross-legged on the windowsill, staring at her book intently. I've known Wisdom for ages. She used to always be by my side to give me advice, but things didn't end particularly well, to tell the truth. She thought I acted too much like a machine. Now she's just another smart ass with glasses.

I glance at the title on her book cover. To Kill a Mockingbird. How very cultured of her. She looks up when she hears Lust murmuring again, closing her book shut with a light bang. It's a good way to describe her. Wisdom is a light bang; she's the sound of stair steps creaking when you're trying to be silent.

Wisdom gets up from her perch and slinks towards Lust and I.

"What're you doing?" she hisses, glancing worriedly at Lust as if he's some maniac in disguise. As if she actually cares about me.

"We're going to the bedroom," I tell her, watching her eyes narrow like an ocean that's been bottlenecked into a stream.

I prepare myself for Wisdom's response, surely to be a drawn-out speech, with an hour long thesis on how much of a slut she thinks I am. It'll be a story about my a-little-too-open-and-you-know-what-I-mean-by-open personality. A lesson on how to properly use my tongue. A moral about the insides of my legs.

Wisdom sighs, tapping my shoulder lightly. "Be careful," she advises, taking me by surprise, before she glides back to her spot on the windowsill.

Be careful? She must know Lust well. I feel my nose wrinkle, and suddenly I feel a hint of fear in the back of my mind. Lust pulls me into the bedroom anyway.

-

The bedroom itself is no masterpiece. The half-assed windows cut into the white-washed walls are closed, with the beige blinds pulled tight. There are no pictures on the desk in the corner; there are no posters on the walls. The room is barren except for a boy sitting on top of the gray duvet on his bed.

Compared to Lust, he is plain, with a sickly stature and skin a pale shade of the moon that barely compliments his brown hair. His eyes look like chocolate, but they're the color of the dark kind I never want to eat.

"I brought her," Lust says, bringing me around to the front of the bed. "Say hi."

The boy slowly turns around, carefully shifting his body. He focuses his eyes on the floor, but I focus mine on his face. I've seen him before. Emptiness and I used to have a fling.

"You wanted me?" I ask, pushing down the dead butterflies in my stomach so I don't puke up the feelings I've been holding back for so long.

"Yeah," Emptiness says. "I don't feel good. I can't sleep. I miss you. Will you lay down with me? "

"I guess that's one thing you and Insomnia have in common," I murmur. "Why don't you go ask her?"

I'd seem Insomnia earlier, after I was talking to Euphoria. She was drooping on the couch, with a vacant beer bottle in her hand. She and Emptiness would make a great pair.

Emptiness sighs, rubbing his face into his palms. "Goddamn it, I miss you, don't you get it? I miss you, for god's sake. That's all. I just want it to be like old times."

"It can't," I say, edging my way towards the door. "I'll see you later."

I reach for the doorknob, but Lust grabs my hand. "Don't be such a little bitch," he tells me as he grins, pushing me back towards the bed. "Goddamn it, the pussy just wants to fucking snuggle. Make him happy, will ya?" He twists my wrist hard and pushes me back towards the bed.

"Okay," I say.

Hesitating, I lay down on the bed, rolling onto my side. I don't want to look at Emptiness, his hollowness spreads like wildfire.

"Spoon?" Emptiness asks me.

"Okay."

"Big or little?"

"Okay."

"I asked a question. God, it's like you're living in a comatose or some shit. Big or little?"

"Oh." I sigh and pull my knees up to my chest. "I'm gonna go," I say. I inch my way off the bed, but Emptiness pulls me back down.

"No," he commands. "Little spoon it is, then."

"Okay."

He sits up and quickly pulls off his shirt. "You do the same," he whispers. "For everything."

"I don't want to."

Lust shoots me a glare before he locks the door tight.

"Everything," Emptiness says again, brushing my hair away from my back.

"Okay."

-

Our skin touches and I feel like I'm on fire, like the spark that we once had has turned into the flames of hell and I'm burning, I'm burning. I'm burning and I feel him flicking embers off his tongue and reigniting them on my lips.

He's no longer gentle, like I remember. Emptiness leans against me as if I'm his missing puzzle piece that might fit if he just pushes into me a little harder. He feels me up like we're cavemen, and rubbing skin is the only way to keep warm.

Lust walks over to the bed. He lays down beside me, naked. Desperately, I try to get away, but Lust holds my arm tight.

"Stop," I whisper, too scared to speak any louder. Emptiness takes a peek at my eyes then, holding my gaze for a few seconds. He lets go of me and rolls off the bed in one swift motion.

Lust glares at him. "What the fuck are you doing?" he asks.

Emptiness twists his hands nervously, grabbing his clothes. He jumps into his boxers, pulling his jeans over them. "We can't do this, man," he says, quickly glancing at me. "It's not right."

Lust smirks as he continues tracing circles on my stomach. "Don't be such a pussy," he says, "It's fine. She doesn't care."

Emptiness looks at me then, really looked at me. "Do you?" he asks, his hands momentarily in suspense.

Lust puts his hand over my mouth, shoving his fingers down my throat. I choke.

"Stop," Emptiness says.

"You don't care, do you, bitch?" Lust asks again, pushing himself on top of me. I choke. I close my eyes.

I am cold.

I am weak.

I am Numbness.

-

I wake up to Emptiness in my lungs, and Lust burning deep in my chest.