Callosamia Promethea
Has the moth in your flame
Finally begun to complain?
Weathered nerves, testimonies
Burns—felony—in third degree
.
When the pressure caved in your ribs
And pink catgut spun from the ceiling
Drenched with red but never bleeds
Wax gums clenched from dissenting
.
But when the moth in your flame
Brings the fire back into your skin
Their sanctity becomes your agony
Pain—murder—in second degree
.
While ashes shall beget winter ashes
As dust conceals carrion under pasts
Maybe you deserved a gas lamp myth
And maybe the flies deserve to watch.
weltschmerz
the wary thought
of october graves
in autumn sunrise
her name and yours
on an open letter for
the future young, as
old boats unfurl their
paper sails and the
breeze flows north
so often they whisper
—
“oh, i wish you had
never said a word”
their lacklustre ire
lesions seeping into
bandages and coffee
grounds and the very
last time you saw her
alive that day, of the
very last time you ever
felt alive, that fateful day
—
what more is left now?
statues still into monuments
and the gentlest reminder
of a violent decision that
carved another number
into your mausoleum, and
hers—it’s a strange way to
love, to unravel with her skin;
to twist, and to fade, and to
be the breath she always saves.
[ something like the word for invisible burnout, you don’t remember what it is and funnily enough, no one remembers you either ]
keep your passions out of sight
out of mind
otherwise you exist and you’re begging for friends and begging and friends feel pathetic—you’re pathetic—you ooze of something resembling toxicity when your shaky hands send your sugary messages and say an insufferable hi; and whenever there’s an extra stressed diacritic or a misspelled goodbye in between the crooked lines, suddenly silence is falling fast and the loathing is indistinct from the love and you’re a bloodless strawman tattered with pleasantry pins and niggling needles, digging into entangled veins as it scrutinises
what have you done wrong again?
a psychological tarantella in the stumbling beat of one-two trying to keep your pulse awake, a metronome of apologies
so-rry, so-rry, so-rry
so-rry i-sur-vived but that’s breaking the time signature too much
so apologise for that all over again
in a room full of starving venus flytraps, better to be an innocent fly on the wall, better to innocently drown in ointment than to suffer through the blackout pain of wandering—wondering—whimsical flagellation
turned to a starving artist’s magnum opus
turned to crude art and wasted words and dissonant notes and vague madness and messiness and inside jokes and all the things that make you you
all of the things that make you wish you weren’t you
a lack of understanding leading to unmending
better to keep yourself out of sight
out of mind
than to exist and have your devout passions scourged at the pillar of better judgment
keep creating. the universe will not hold its breath for you. stop creating. the universe you control will start to suffocate.
keep existing. stop existing. what’s the difference except finding out
there’s nothing—no one—nothingness—
left to exist for?
and maybe that should be enough.
because one of these days, the world will get pulled from under your feet and you’ll fly, oh you’ll soar and it’s going to be beautiful and no one will be there to watch your plight
and no one will be there to see you c r a s h
misguided
leaving grief. and i—i now remember why
i should never have allowed anyone
to get under my buckling skin
for fine friends are only fine, friends until
they know the perfect way to damage
the stillborn remnants of what you hold on to
them, without patience, distraught,
you; promises of finding someone better
overhearing a devotion that cannot possibly be true
only useful in the event of an epiphanic letdown
i love you but why have i loved you
did i love you because i knew it was nothing to be proud of
or worse, something for a reckless hobby
i love you because you were kind for five seconds
and it was only fair to bleed when it should not be enough
did you not love me because i wasn’t enough
or because you knew i was nothing to be proud of?
from knowing too much, trusting too well
follies and fey melodies for a final disconnect
i loved you never mean what you say
say anything to say anything to say anything to say
sorry. your smug conversation is one i carry still with me
even as the tactile memory of you burns
and my singed skin curls into the shape of an old friend
who never cared. i never remember to forget
they’ll always be there until they aren’t
leaving, grief, and i—i no longer wish for a happier end
i only wish there was a softer way to recover.
This Is Not A Problem (If Convincing That It’s Not)
Bleed out deep blue lipstick and
You’ll fake fucking cool tonight
Blistered problems, don’t scratch at ’em
Pretty in leprosy and pink tights
-
And when the sun inflames distaste
To reveal the sick mess you made
Scabs in your nails, bruised mouth so stale
Ugly in stonewashed jeans and plague
i don’t know to make myself useful
crawling crying clever huh
my veins are filled with saltwater
clench love stop heart
beat i must beat i must beat i must
wash my hair and get out of bed and wake up
necessarily in that order
if i want to love myself, but i can’t
god i don’t believe in you anymore but
god help me
god damn it
please pleas people pleased
pleasure's all yours
please don't come again
i am rotting inside out
i am going to put a knife under my abdomen
and write a going-out poem
for the pretty mortuary doctors to gobble up
if no one else
and nothing more, burn my high school yearbook
into lungfuls of cigarette smoke
and first last kisses
and coversations in unflavoured seltzer
bottoms up and choke
after all
i am only another failed experiment
in the class of 2024
neon glitter pen signatures rap tap tapping to
the hypnotising rhythm of
a crisis hotline
oops. i’m sorry. i swear i meant to live
i swear i don’t know how i got all the way down here
but cannot get out
i swear it’s my slaughtered knees
being bad butchers
making squealing pigs out of my soul
squeeeeeeee
i swear it’s not me but it’s
always me me me
meeeee
i can’t count how many times i’ve uttered tired
but burden hasn’t been dulled down
and i am all play and dullness
dig me out back with the jack and build
a house out of my bird bones
and cheap twine
when my head’s heavy with birdseed instead of
oozing medicine
i swear i’ll be someone else not me
i know you didn’t want this
didn't want me
i’m so j8ui
sorry, oh god
i just wanted to be okay
let me be.
but i can’t i shan’t i see
mama, i swear i didn’t mean to make you sad again
i didn’t mean to. i didn’t. i didn’t try to
spin your vertigo with unravelling spools
of unconditional devotion
untangle my anchor
from your sturdiest continent
and let me be, sinking sobbing stupid
i’m sorry i'm so
tirec
huh. i never tried but
mama, give me the strength to love you back
Glass Slipper
There’s a million glass slippers running across the galaxy
Scintillating in quiet fervour, wondrous constellated reveries
In sizes that vary, from supernova explosions to dwarf suns
But I could point out the most distant and say it’s the one
The one that barely emits light, almost devoured by the darkness
Of the eventide firmament, a pale eternity of madness
Unremarkable in comparison to other astral entities that rage
Indigo skies blotched with abstract shades, while it burns a solemn beige
But that broken glass slipper is the one I will always adore
Every night, I gaze upon it while nescient eyes shall choose to ignore
There’s a million glass slippers scattered across this infinity
But I only have one, my dear Cinderella star, I know she fits me perfectly.
Dull Bones
-
i am reduced to dull bones
and swallowed i-adore-you’s
and something like mildly waking up
in the middle of another bookmarked
“dark and stormy night”
and staying that way, a flavour of
staying-up insomnia that’s only ever so
vaguely disinterested in keeping me untroubled
and undefined—staying up up and away
past my anachronistic bedtime
-
there’s an itch within my dull bones
in places i’m frustratingly unable to reach
even if i stretched myself out thin
like human laffy taffy, sticking to the roof
of your watering mouth, like a communion wafer
when you’ve been rather sinful
and maybe just as bland—if not blander—
like human laffy taffy, and none the same too sweeter
the childish joke has been on me
but i never sent one over
-
are my dull bones broken?
i’m no doctor and it’s far too numb
to agonise over, but sometimes my limbs akimbo
rattle whenever i accidentally hit the
banister on my way up the rickety stairs
to brush the fractured stubs of my broken teeth—
maybe it was just their fragments
i forgot to floss out, jangling a merry little melody
reminding me function—don’t malfunction—
the medicine cabinet’s full of spare parts, so go on
and remember: don’t trip on the second to the last step
-
i would never be loved by my dull bones
and not because of them of them, either
i fancy, sometimes, that the tapestry of skin
precariously draped above them would be enough
to make me look close to resembling “someone”
but i can’t even fool myself in front of the mirror
with my spinning head upside-down
so who the hell am i trying to fool—
to impress—to stuff me into a tailored suit
and thread my emptied veins into a wedding dress?
-
only me and my dull bones
my dull bones that jut out in strange places
like an abandoned jenga game
my dull bones that never remain in place,
no matter how many times i unpleasantly shove it back in
my dull bones that itch and break(?) and
cower under blanket-stitched skin and protest
whenever i get too comfortable being uncomfortable
living with their afflictions—affections—affectations
and i laugh it off again because
my dull bones feel ticklish; or is that just pain...?
ha-ha-ha. how silly of me to think
i could still be reduced to dull bones—sullen bones—dull stones—
when dull bones are all i’ve ever been.
-
a toast to apeirophobia
you are love at the end of the world, something spelled without a glottal plea
the stars on my crown hang heavy tonight and i’ve barely slept for an hour but my mind drifts off to weary constellations and i sometimes wonder if we were aligned at all
you, vague hurt, you, toothache in the middle of a birthday party
you, a love like no other
and running without wolves to guide our journey, the forest scratches every inch of bare skin and i would cry out if you hadn’t done the same to me in your restless tossing and turning, there is love in your eyes but no love in the blood you make me bleed
there is still something left to be said. but my mouth is dry and full of sand, kiss it and catch a fly on the wall, smear ointment on its wings and maybe i’ll tell you about how i feel
and it isn’t a good one, it isn’t a love i towed beyond fathoms of seawater and across miles of irradiated coastlines, it isn’t me, count the distance and end up with infinity in one sitting, infinity with end, infinity to beg you of love
beg me of a message unclear, home sweet home
it’s better than nothing. the woozy way i walk into the ocean with a pocket full of rocks and a mind full of bitter sloshing around, is better than nothing, love
it’s better than everything love
because it’s something i still wish to keep, wish on a nebulae cluster that doesn’t exist the second you force yourself to breathe out, screams
no comforting the choir, i’ll drape mine around your bruised shoulders and shake both of them softly until i’ve killed half the universe with my hubris, until we’ve killed off every erstwhile incandescence just to look a little off-kilter, early morning, i’ve never felt better despite never finding out what repose meant
the sky is red at sunrise and then what
and then we, and then we
feel fine
you are love at the end of the world, and i am ready to struggle for survival. invite me into your rose-tinted apocalypse and allow me to decide a fate which was never mine to rewrite
it’s nothing
it’s better than nothing love
The Memory of a Goldfish
filthy fingernails
tap against the glass
spilling water on
the sides, dripping
-
your cruel enjoyment
only lasts for a minute
but it completely shakes
my entire tiny world
-
flakes fall from above
pedigree lies you feed me
still tasteless. still bland
but i eat it up, starved
-
for something more
than plastic neon pebbles
and fake algae; i open
my mouth but no words
-
bubble out. left gaping
stupidly—staring at the
boundary i can't cross
as you get bored of me
-
and stand up, leaving to
find another pastime. i wonder
if we share the same brain
for how quickly you forget i exist.