My community and friends will never be the same,

and that is because this terrible tragedy is to blame.

At 2:35 I never thought I would have to send those texts full of worry,

not even understanding my own text because it was such a hurry.

I never thought I would have to comfort my friends through the wake of their a beloved ones' death,

It feels as if we had been placed in a trageic scene of Macbeth.

I never thought my school would be established with constant fear,

with any sudden movement or noise comes the premonition that we are not in the clear.

Yet here we are, only in the second month of the new year,

now has me wishing for it to end because the pain is so severe.

The pain that something this close to home could occur,

In the quaint town of Parkland. No, I just cannot concur.

The 17 lives that were slaughtered on Valentine's Day,

I'm sorry that you were hunted down like someone's prey.

But I promise you with, every fiber in me, that this will never happen again.

That this will not pass the news and would not have you all died in vain,

because too many have happened and I keep losing count of the slain.

And my head spins and spins on why this has not been resolved,

How we let this deranged 19 year old with an AR-15 become involved.

But I promise you that our pain and sorrow will pass,

knowing that our message has reached the mass.

And knowing that you did not die in vain,

but became the face for change and for that you are held in reign.

We miss you everyday and it will never be the same,

but we remember the good times and my heart has been etched with every single name.

I kept living.

A three letter sentence i never thought I would utter.

After all the obstacles this cruel world has thrown to me it would be much easier to give up right?

Wrong.

In fact it's a lot harder than we may believe.

Giving up means letting that fire leave you, your attempts to fix it.

Giving up means accepting your current fate, not believing in a future.

Giving up signifies a lack of self love and confidence.

That's why I couldn't.

I thought to myself "Is this is all life has offered me?"

Is this the miraculous and beautiful world Jesus made in a week, spending day and night, all for me to purposely not have a future?

I knew that yes, maybe life is hell right now.

I'm depressed, I've lost friends, and my family is struggling.

Why don't I keep living so I can have a success story?

A legendary finish line.

So that is why I kept living.

#IKeptLiving

If you're reading this that must mean you've found me. This shouldn't really come to a shock to all of you.

Trust me I've been planning this for a while.

Before you call authorities whether it be police, 911 you must be pondering 'why would you do this?'

The answer is simple.

The life I lived wasn't something I wanted to be consistent.

I don't call it giving up but simply knowing I deserved more.

I deserved more than spending my 4 years of high school taunted by my fellow classmates.

I deserved more than eating lunch alone because I was nicknamed a 'freak.'

I deserved better than having to hold myself back from doing my interests in fear of what others would say.

I deserved more than never going to prom or homecoming because I was told they'd rather see me dead.

I deserved more than having a father who would be abusive physically and verbally when little did he know I've already been assaulted.

I was both physically and mentally exhausted to my limit.

I DESERVED BETTER.

No one understood the gory wounds that were hidden behind these ripped and teared bandages known as my life.

Now all that's left of my life is this piece of paper folded into 3.

To wrap up this up I want you-mom, dad, friends, siblings whoever is reading this- to know that I did what I felt was a calling.

That felt good to say.

Nice talk.

From,

the boy who was misinterpreted

The anxiety came back again. The loud thumping in my mind,the feeling of choking, almost like a lucid dream.

I know I shouldn't but I can't leave this temptation. I have to feed it.

My friend, the one who knows how to handle my pain.

One swipe and I can feel numbness.

Everything that I have done has been undone.

The rocks piling on top of my lungs, crushing them.

Peace and serenity rushes in like a flood.

Another swipe. And another one.

The gory sight presented on my thin, once pale wrists, are covered in a gooey plum red.

I let out a long sigh and lay in the dirty tub for what seems like an eternity. My once grinning face turns pale and blank.

I've done it again and I promised those I wouldn't.

The feeling is back expect a new friend has come along. The strong feeling of guilt is suddenly washing thru my body like a tsunami.

My friend always knew how to dispose of my worries and make me feel better again.

Whenever I called they were there.

The blade has become my life long partner.

Would I ever leave it? I do not know

But in this very moment I felt as all chaos and intrusive thoughts have left me.

All that I have done has been undone.

But eventually my friend will leave like all the others including my conscience.

This sensation of relief will soon fade and I will be back to reality.

And ahead will lie the long, exhausting battle of staying alive.

Staying alive.

Losing my mind.

And fighting for something I should've done a long time ago.