The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

It was months, and months of back and forth

You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do

When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room

So I punched a hole in the roof

Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you

The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

I think I am finally clean

Said, I think I am finally clean

Ten months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it

Ten months older I won't give in

Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning

That's when I could finally breathe

And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

Finally clean, think I'm finally clean, ah ah

Think I'm finally clean

-Clean by Taylor Swift

My skull is a cage

With a broken lock.

The key fits-

But the door isn't opening.

Pressure's building up

Up

Up

I'm ready to explode

In a fury of

"What if's" and "could have's"

I'm tired of fighting

I'm tired of falling

Giving up has never sounded so blissfully sweet

Yeah, I'm putting one foot in front of the other

But what is that worth when the enveloping mass of black is nipping at my heels

Threatening to swallow me whole

A fistful of pills

A hand gun

A razor blade

Has never looked so inviting

There's not much fight left

And it's a lost cause I've given up on

It's not a matter of "if" anymore

It's a matter of "how long" and "how soon"

Please hurry

So I can be over with

Obliterated to nothing

How long until I can return my life energy to something that actually matters?

I don't matter.

This doesn't matter.

I'm done.

I'm lost.

I'm over with.

Finish me, please.

Please.

Please.

I'm ready.

Take me now

I'm waiting for the code word

Signaling when it's time to end

I'm tired of fighting this fight that's never ending

Endless

Infinite

Paradox

I'm done with hurting and I'm done with hurting others just take me now so I can give up. I'm ready, I promise.

I'm ready.

My memories with

You are a vivid neon-

Never forgotten.

But when you left me,

All alone, drowning in tears,

They began to fade.

Vibrants bled into

Watercolors and pastels.

Dull, yet remembered.

Canvases tore in

My natural disasters-

Known as emotions.

Storms raged inside while

My body struggled to stay

Intact. It did so.

The repairs began.

And thus, years of hard work and

Pained torture ensued.

Structures were built- ties

Were cut. Production never

ceased. It got better.

New love came along.

Returning my colors to

Me- Not like before.

They weren't neons

Of youth and innocence. They

Were the colors of

Experience. I

Was a juxtaposition

At its finest. But

Now I am all things

Similes and metaphors.

Beauty through and through.

All the pretty girls

are pretty wasted

All dressed up to

get fully naked

Young teens

selling their souls

to reach a higher high

THC, PCP, and LSD

just to speak their mind.

This pain cultivates within me. This seed of sorrow buried deep in my soul roots itself in the soil of my emotions and sprouts in my heart. I am dying from the inside out. I am aching in every bone and every muscle of my body, and there is nothing that can fix me. Nothing can restore me from my brokenness. Nothing can sew back together where the fabric of my heart is torn. I suffer in silence, not letting anyone know my pain. But between every breath I take I am screaming internally. I scream so that someone will come and save me, but no one ever does.

You make me homesick for a place that was never home and

nostalgic for something I've not yet experienced.

You leave me longing for something MORE

But not knowing what MORE is,

Is truly and utterly FRUSTRATING to live with.

But I can’t make my limbs move.

I don’t fight back

As the waves pull me under

And I sink further from the surface.

My lungs should be screaming

But I feel nothing as they fill.

I should be screaming

But I just can’t care.

The light above me flickers and dims,

Like the sun going down,

And I am enveloped completely

By the watery night.

I feel both

The pressure of the whole world’s pain,

And weightless

At the same time.

Gravity wins the battle of sink or swim,

But when I do hit the bottom

I stare up

And feel nothing.

Nothing at all.

For drowning is slow,

And drowning is numb.

I am numb.

--------

Written about the struggle of depression, a feat I deal on and off with when the pills aren't enough.

They teach us

"Don't do drugs"

In school.

But why don't they ever teach you

Not to need them in the first place?

I'm only fifteen

And already I crave

The carelessness that comes with alcohol and the

Buzz of mary jane

No, I've never tried them

But that doesn't mean a kid can't dream

Of a better tomorrow,

A better today,

A better yesterday.

I needed this yesterday.

I needed an escape from this hideous hell of a life.

I won't-

Scratch that,

I can't…

Make it to the end.

It's not worth my time, effort

Or the pain.

We've been drifting apart for so long now

That I can't remember the last time we said a sincere hello.

Yet I can't rid my mouth of the taste of you.

And I can't rid my heart of the ache of you being gone.

We can't close this chasm that separates us.

We can't repair the bridge between us that's been destroyed.

And I call to your dead name every single night.

But you never respond with lively words to revive my cold heart.