There are stains on the

wall

signs of my strain

of blood on stone –

my own

smeared red

from soft hands and

blistered fingers

it lingers

cracked from the impact

of my skull

bone split on granite

thoughts spit from the

fissure

quivering portraits of

dead-ended

imagination

revelations half-formed

stillborn

faded down and

weather-worn

I'm torn upon the rock

shorn on old mortar

I beat bricks with my fists

break my wrists

and bruise my shoulders

when I move it follows me

swallows the sun

with a shadow

longer than it is tall

wider than it is thick

a trick of the light and

a prick to the soul

I am not whole

time takes its toll and

my mind decays

it frays

the tapestry unravels

the paintings lose luster

I muster my strength

yet cannot climb

my feet are slit on grit

and grime

the wall is slick

with my own sweat

wet with wasted effort

ever present

blocking my ascent

dissent pours out

of my own throat

I gloat on things

that have been wrote

which won't be smote

won't be beaten

won't be choked nor

suffocated

I will be liberated

by my own power

upon some hour

until then

as day fades to dusk

I cut my palms and

paint the wall

knowing one day

it will fall

My skull is a cage

With a broken lock.

The key fits-

But the door isn't opening.

Pressure's building up

Up

Up

I'm ready to explode

In a fury of

"What if's" and "could have's"

I'm tired of fighting

I'm tired of falling

Giving up has never sounded so blissfully sweet

Yeah, I'm putting one foot in front of the other

But what is that worth when the enveloping mass of black is nipping at my heels

Threatening to swallow me whole

A fistful of pills

A hand gun

A razor blade

Has never looked so inviting

There's not much fight left

And it's a lost cause I've given up on

It's not a matter of "if" anymore

It's a matter of "how long" and "how soon"

Please hurry

So I can be over with

Obliterated to nothing

How long until I can return my life energy to something that actually matters?

I don't matter.

This doesn't matter.

I'm done.

I'm lost.

I'm over with.

Finish me, please.

Please.

Please.

I'm ready.

Take me now

I'm waiting for the code word

Signaling when it's time to end

I'm tired of fighting this fight that's never ending

Endless

Infinite

Paradox

I'm done with hurting and I'm done with hurting others just take me now so I can give up. I'm ready, I promise.

I'm ready.

A beautiful wall glistening with tears

That shines like a million diamonds in the rain

Glowing in dripping wet gems of dust

Sliding down the studded wall

Into the hell-hole of eternity

Black and more black

Ultimate blackness stained by tears

Of the grieving and mournful wails

Resonating through the emptiness

Of a hole, a black hole

Dripping diamonds and wind

Blowing through empty skulls, lost for the future and past

The light, fading fast, draws a circle, a halo

Of diamonds and souls, red and blue and black and green

Given by the angels in Hell

Of monsters and men, shut out again by the doors

Golden doors with diamonds

The diamonds keep reappearing, don’t they?

A reminder of what has been lost, of what will be lost

And what is being lost right now, today

A reminder of the tears that have been shed, the tears that have been wept

The tears that turned into diamonds on the lonely wall

That I have hit.

The wall is a barrier to the land of happy souls

And the diamonds are the souls of those who were kept back by this wall

It is a distraction and a prevention

It is a thing that stands in my way.

I kick it down and it shatters into dust and cement

All that remains are the diamonds

I stared with my empty eyes, felt the gasps and cheers and tears of those behind

And as the dust floated away in the air

As the souls poured in

As the diamonds were reclaimed

I thought back to something

The criminal I loved had told me.

“Do it for the waiting. Do it... for the waiting to be freed of tears, do it to become a nostalgia full of hope.”

That's it

It's over

I can't fight it anymore

The war is finally won

A war against myself

And it's the darker side that won.

It started with just one small bottle

And then two and three

And now here I am

No place to go

How did I get here?

Beats me.

The farther I went

Down that dark twisted path

The easier it was

To not look back

I've reached the end of that path now

I've hit a wall

But it's not a wall

It's a gate.

A gate that's sucking me in

Pulling me closer

Trying to take me away

And I have a choice to make.

I can give up all hope

Go through that gate

But it will close behind me forever

I'll never be able to go back.

Or I can awaken inside me

That tiny little part

That still has strength left

Strength to pull myself out of this mess

Away from this wall

But doing that

Would be going through hell.

I'd have to work and work

Trying to pull myself away

When it would be easier to stay here

Slumped against the wall

And let the gate pull me through

Closing the doors of life

Forever.

Face first

I tumble into a wall, rather a fall.

I slip

And trip into this wall.

Routine

Same old behavior.

Yeah it's me, but it's you too.

I barely kiss your lips anymore.

And when we're actually together, to appreciate each other, we're too busy watching the back of our eyelids.

I know you're busy I admire that.

But when you get upset and yell it doesn't make me want to talk, I'm scared to say what I feel. How can I. Why add gas to the fire.

I just want to be past it

But you're stubborn and so am I.

So repeat the same thing over and over again.

Don't you get tired of hitting this wall. It hurts.

Maybe I should turn the other way.

I don't want to. I want it to work.

Can we just walk around this wall. I want to communicate I want you to know

But I really don't know how to tell you.

If I knew I would tell you, pinky promise

But sometimes I get scared, of being hurt again, or things being too good to be true.

Others times I'm jealous...so damn jealous.

But I can fix that..right

I've been bruised by this same wall too many times.

Help me knock it down