Religion is a awkward subject for me. I went to church when I was younger, but never really felt comfortable talking about faith. My parents and I went to church every Sunday until I was 9 years old. After that, I started playing sports and I had to be at certain places early Sunday mornings. Since then, we haven't gone back. This is not because we didn't feel welcome or didn't have the time, we just didn't go back. My parents and I haven't talked about religion other than in the political sense since I was about 12.

It wasn't until I was 13 or 14 I no longer felt welcomed by any church. Many people like me are ran out of churches because we love differently. Or we are told loving who we love is a "sin" and we are going to hell. But everyone sins, no matter what kind it is, that's just human nature. When people ask me if I believe in God, I say no, because what "higher power" would create a world with so much destruction around religion when many religious texts preach the same things just using a different language. What "higher power" would tell you hate me just because I am different? What about "love thy neighbor"? Do these not apply to someone like me? Many people in the LGBTQIA community no longer feel welcome in churches. Many have given up religion all together regardless of what they believe. Doesn't seem right to me.

Put your heart on the line

Can you feel the flutter?

The expectation of what needs to be done

on one cold short day

Am I a winner because I am taken?

Or do I miss the taste of freedom

that singularity brings

I am expected to wear a shade of lips

that mirror a cherry in the heat

of the summer.

And a dress that matches the

shadowed color of red

All this, just one short day

Show love in other ways

That way on a cold day in February

You too feel the freedom,

Free of expectation.

Dear me,

There are a few things I would like to tell you about us. I know things are hard right now and you are trying to figure out who you are. But don't worry, you will get there any you will be happier than ever. We are finally fully out and living life as our truest selves. There will be some bumps in the road to get here but as long as you keep pushing forward, you will make it.

Now, I know you think it is a waste of time, but you need to take your therapy seriously. Stick it out, I promise it will make a difference. Because you stuck it out, you are now doing something you love and it brings you so much joy and love.

I don't want to give away everything that has happened because the mistakes we make lead us here, to who we are now, and who we will become. It is important to make mistakes in life. Growth comes from mistakes and misfortune.

Just wanted to let you know, you do have a future beyond where you are now, even though it may not seem like it from where you are sitting. We are okay! We are doing well! Keep on pushing through. I promise it is worth it!

Love, me

As years pass, each new year seems to move faster and roll over quicker than the last. Every year, I go into January 1st with a plan. A plan to not just sit and hang on to the good memories of the previous years, but to actually spend time attempting to make more, better memories than before. But, just as quick as I plan for this, I fail. I fail because every year I look at the pictures I've taken, and the people I knew, and I binge on the happiness I see on my past self's face. The more I binge, the drunker I get, and the further I feel from that person staring back at me in the pictures. Soon I can feel the weight of the happiness I once had, almost as if it soaked in blubber and attached to my skin. Every year, it grows, yet every year, I have a plan.

A coach once told me that no team, no coach, and no number of family members can determine how good I could be. He told me "you will only ever be as good as you want to be". Sure anyone can want to be successful, but do you want it enough to work for it. These words have been pasted on the inside of my brain.

If I wanted something I had to make it happen. I had to be responsible for where I wanted to go and how I got there. Of course I had support from coaches and family, but I was the only one who could really make it happen. Ever since I had heard this from a coach I worked harder and put everything I could into the goals I had.

At times, it was not easy. I was sore, tired, ready to stop and give myself some rest, but I knew that if I wanted to reach my goals, I had to keep going. Over the next couple years I played for 3 different water polo teams at the same time that were all in varying levels of difficulty. I played for my high school team, the northeast national team and a junior Olympic team. My goals were to go to the junior Olympics, not just one time but 3 times and also to start for the northeast national team. To get there I had to keep reminding myself that "I will only be as good as I want to be".

Not only did I reach my goals, but we placed 2nd at the national tournament and we did very well in our bracket at junior Olympics. I had earned the respect of my coaches and my teammates. Many of these teammates I continued to play against once we all got to college and were playing for various college teams.

Still to this day I follow what my coach told me, "you will only ever be as good as you want to be".

As we get older we realize that it isn't how many friends that you have it is the quality of friends you have. Also, as you get older it is easier to spot the people in your life that are only meant to be there for a short period of time. People are either lessons or blessings.

I recently have dropped a couple people in my life. I was always there when they needed me, but they were never there when I needed them. This created stress in my life that I just didn't need. It felt like I was walking on egg shells when we would talk. Like what I had to say didn't matter or what I wanted to do wasn't worth doing. Why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn't take my thoughts and opinions into account? I don't. I don't need that. I quit.

After removing them from my life, I have been more comfortable just living as myself and also more outgoing. It is now that I fully realize the amount of stress having toxic people in my life created. When it comes to friends you will most likely have more lessons than blessings, but as long as you learn from it, those lessons will only amplify the blessings in your life.

As the vernal moon approaches

I can hear the birds,

Feel the breeze on my skin.

The sun shines a comforting

Golden glow.

The crocus stretching their

deep colored petals

Towards the sun

yearning for the ides of March

People break free of the confines

of the constricting coats

begging the dirty,

ash colored snow to melt.

The grass slogging to be free

of the cold white blanket

to play patty cake

with the sunlight again.

I can hear the birds,

Feel the breeze.

Yes, I can feel spring is on the way.

Religion is a awkward subject for me. I went to church when I was younger, but never really felt comfortable talking about faith. My parents and I went to church every Sunday until I was 9 years old. After that, I started playing sports and I had to be at certain places early Sunday mornings. Since then, we haven't gone back. This is not because we didn't feel welcome or didn't have the time, we just didn't go back. My parents and I haven't talked about religion other than in the political sense since I was about 12.

It wasn't until I was 13 or 14 I no longer felt welcomed by any church. Many people like me are ran out of churches because we love differently. Or we are told loving who we love is a "sin" and we are going to hell. But everyone sins, no matter what kind it is, that's just human nature. When people ask me if I believe in God, I say no, because what "higher power" would create a world with so much destruction around religion when many religious texts preach the same things just using a different language. What "higher power" would tell you hate me just because I am different? What about "love thy neighbor"? Do these not apply to someone like me? Many people in the LGBTQIA community no longer feel welcome in churches. Many have given up religion all together regardless of what they believe. Doesn't seem right to me.

Everyone is affected by death. Everyone deals with death in their own way. Death surrounds us, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Everything on Earth has a purpose and everything eventually dies. For example, for humans as well as other animals, plants die so that we can survive. Trees die to build homes for us. Without these things, the human race would struggle and die. If the human race were to die out, we would become fertilizer for the Earth, which in turn would feed the plants and trees and other animals so that they can live on. Death is a part of life and it completes the circle. Every species relies on the life and death of other species. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, it can only change.