Shawn-The-Bastard saw the whole thing. Of course he did.

I was in the middle of my shift and it was pretty dead. My Tuesday regulars were all there: the four-top of sixty-somethings women who always look at my ass when I plug their orders into the computer, the two bald guys with the ties, and Janice, drunk as usual, ordering her burger plain, again as usual. I had made $38 so far, including a ten spot from some business muckety-muck type who ordered a salad and talked on his cell phone while he sipped his coffee. A pretty typical day.

Then she walked in.

I'm telling you, she wasn't human. Long dark red hair that fell to the middle of her back in crimson waves I wanted to swim in, green eyes like emeralds; big emeralds, too, not the cheap shit I can afford. And legs... my old man would have said she had legs for days. They were cream white and her skin looked so soft. She had a black skirt on, not too short, just right, you know? But her smile... I can't even tell you, I've never seen anything like it. She didn't light up the room, she softened it. It was like a snake charmer, like her smile hypnotized me and I couldn't move or think or breathe. I could have spent the rest of my shift just staring at that smile. Maybe the rest of my life.

It was Shawn-The-Bastard who woke me up. He caught me staring and told me to go take her order. He watched, snickering.

I walked to the table, pad and pen in hand; no way I was going to be able to memorize her order, my mind was in outer space. I stopped at the table, looked into her eyes, and forgot my name. She smiled. She said hello.

I walked out and drove to the beach.

i sold my soul up the road

for a Carole king vinyl

im gonna lay on the floor

and sing along in denial

i pretend you still love me

and it’s not too late

make believe that i’m not free

that i have two dinners to plate

but i’m eating alone tonight

after giving up my whole life

to household chores

to let myself be yours

i cleaned out the car

of your old cigarettes

and i drove to the bar

to drink and try to forget

i pretend that you’ll come in and see

me leaving on the broken jukebox

i dream you’re coming home with me

that there’s still time on our clock

but i’m sleeping alone tonight

after giving up my whole life

to finding you cures

and letting myself be yours

it doesn’t matter how hard i pretend

you’re not here when the night ends

i’m not what you want anymore

so i’ll be alone tonight and forevermore

I had a friend

We will call her

Faithful.

yes. we will call her Faithful.

In the beginning she was nice

We smiled and laughed.

We played tennis together.

I told her things.

Then I introduced her

to my friends

and we all got along.

Faithful was nice.

Then it came.

When she wasn't so Faithful anymore.

It started with poking fun at us.

Then they got more personal.

They started feeling like hot irons though my chest.

They went from pokes to jabs.

To insults.

but is was gradual.

I didn't even notice.

Till she had stripped away everything

She tore my friends apart.

thread bare of strings keeping us together.

She started to wear away at us when alone.

Then when we were together.

She insulted us

and we took it.

I had to leave her.

While I had even a thread of myself left.

I couldn't

How could I bring myself to hurt her?

She said herself that we couldn't leave her

That she wasn't mentally stable enough.

If I left her, how would I know she wouldn't hurt herself?

How would I know she wouldn't do something to herself because of me?

Then COVID-19 happened.

there was some distance between me and her.

And I let go.

She wasn't there to get hurt now.

I didn't have her number

No way to really contact her anyway.

So I didn't try.

Neither did she.

Now she is on to new people.

My old friendships are strong again.

We are all trying to work on ourselves.

And we all look out for another Faithful.

I can't ever be the same again.

I had to stop doing things I loved.

I had to stop Band, for her "teasing" had gone to far.

Same with Choir.

And I couldn't show anyone my art.

She had made fun.

I couldn't play tennis

For all I would remember was her.

I build walls during that friendship.

Ones I can't bring down.

I can't let people too close.

I'm not perfect.

but Now I am a little better.

and away from Faithful the unfaithful.

i need a hero who quits. i need a hero who fails, who gets beaten down and stays down, who finds comfort in breaking down and is not resilient.

i need a hero who takes the easy way out, who leans on their support systems until they break, who is fundamentally not supposed to save anyone because they can't even save themselves. i don't know how they keep going. neither do they. maybe they don't.

i can't with the chosen one trope who's just so brave and will always do the right thing. i need someone who fucks up again and again and again and knows they are and chooses to do it anyway. i need someone who hates living and doing things that are right, who doesn't "do it anyway", they do it for something really fuckin stupid like banana waffles or their little cousin who lives in malta or just so they can pay their rent. i need selfish heroes.

The smell of pure mint winter green,

Dark brown patches touching like sardines.

One pouch on each side.

Fiberglass piercing the gums is what makes it sting.

But it’s a good sting. More of a burn.

The taste of the tar,

Bleeding out of the patches

Careful not to drip down my throat.

Spit.

I miss the buzz.

The feeling of my eyelids slowly closing.

Euphoria.

Serenity.

Then yearning.

I pull both pouches out.

Toss the round can of minty sardines.

Till next time…

"Listen up everybody. I'm only going to say this once; don't quit. Down 2, with only 10 seconds left in the game. I want you all to treasure each moment out there."

Well that's easy for you to say, 'coach.' you're not a player; you're not on the battlefield, putting every last drop of blood, sweat, and tears just for a basket. Just for some stupid trophy.

"Now here's the plan-"

Screw the plan.

"-Bryan, you have 40 points already and stand notorious as the most clutch; so- and I know it may sound stupid- but I want you to bring the ball up. This will force these 2 players on the right defensive end to naturally double team you. When that happens, pass that big old rock out to Adon. From there, Adon drive straight to the basket, and try to get as many players on you as possible. logically, Lamar will attempt a double team, so from Adon, straight to Anthony-"

Never mind, that's actually a good plan.

"-And Anthony: take the shot."

Heh, no sweat. Totally can do that. It's not like my entire life is depending on this. It's whatever; y'know. I can do this.

I can do this.

I can-

"Hey Anthony, don't mess up that shot"

Oh, stop acting like you ain't got no pressure on yourself too, Bryan.

"You think this is easy, golden boy? Ok, fine. Let's see how you do it when I pass the ball back to you."

"Bet."

That damn kid is so annoying. He's only been playing for two months and everybody believes he's the next Jordan or something. For once, I wish this kid would shut up about his stupid accolades and feats.

"The game is back on. The paper city Bears are trailing behind Glass-Eyes by 2 points. 10 seconds left on the clock; what do you think there going to do, Stan?"

"I don't know. Their coach is so unpredictable that if the Bears just start pulling down their opponents pants, I wouldn't be surprised!"

"I don't know about pulling down pants, -or why you would bring that up- but it seems the bears are pulling off a bold move nonetheless. Bryan's bringing the ball up!"

"Bold indeed, as he squares off with 2 tough defensive opponents, swiping away at the ball. But look, Adon is open"

"And Bryan passes it straight to him! Man, that kid can pass, am I right?"

"Yes, Jack you are right-"

"That was theoretical, Stan."

"I know, but that's not important right now, Jack. What's really important is what happened in less time than it takes an average reader to scroll down a 698 word story, Anthony's got the ball, and he is wide open! Take the shot!"

I got the ball, but ain't taking the shot.

1.2 seconds are left on the clock, though it feels like years are passing by. I take a look around and I see my mom. She's been working 24/7 for her entire life just to get me in this college. I see my girlfriend. I've known her since kindergarten; I used to gag at the sight of her, and now I don't care what she looks like. I see my city standing up and cheering. The same city that gave me and mom a place to call home. I see my coach. Though annoying, I would never be as good as I am today without him. Lastly, I look at the ball. This is the sport that got me through the bad times, when dad never showed up or when grades started to fail. Sometimes, this ball was all I had.

Am I really going to quit on all these people now?

Then I look at Bryan, who just stands there with that grin. That stupid grin, with that stupid hair, and that stupid face. He puts his L shaped hand above his face and spits his saliva towards me. Disgusting

My face grows red and in an instant, I perform a magic trick. POOF, the ball is no longer in my hands; its palming the face of Bryan.

"I QUIT!" I said as I took off the VR headset.

I had reached the point where I figured I must be unlovable; either because I was too ugly on the inside or because I simply wouldn't let people get close. The result was the same. How can you love someone if they don't let you? Thusly, it was decided that I was unlovable. He didn't understand for the longest time, and for some reason, I didn't cut him out of my life when it became clear that he wanted to love me. It is natural to want to be loved, but it is not right to lead someone on. I wanted to love him too, but I didn't you see. I couldn't. My head and my heart went to war over it. Stupid. The truth is that I cannot be touched without unleashing chaos. I sent an apology and then lost his number. Good thing too. I am too weak to resist the prospect of being seen and being loved even when I cannot be touched.

It became too much. You became too much. I had to quit on you, mostly because you took so much that I always felt drained after talking to you, seeing you, and most especially, after spending time with you. I didn't understand why it was so at the time, but now I know it was because of something I didn't understand at that point in time. All I knew then was that the weight created by each interaction with you became nearly unbearable and felt akin to something like drudgery. I know now though; this is what happens to empaths. We absorb all the energy, be it negative or positive, from others, but we most especially absorb all that horrid negative energy. It weighs us down until we feel burdened for reasons beyond our scope of understanding. The truth was that your heart was never in the wrong place - it was always good. You never intended to make me feel burdened by anything, especially by you. I know that now even though my understanding has come too late, because now you are gone from this earth.

So I went that day many months ago to your graveside and told you how sorry I am that I abandoned you in a friendship that I should have valued more. I poured my heart out to you there upon the grass so green and in front of the small grave marker with your name simply detailed on it. I cried and I laughed, just as we did together so many times. I hope you heard me. I think you did, and I think you understand. You always did have that uncanny ability to know beyond the obvious or beyond the ken of this world, so I'm sure that ability is even more fine-tuned on the other side. So, yes, I am sure you heard my every word. And even more, I know you understand. Still, I wish I could have realized all of this before you left. I would very much have liked to talk with you again and tell you those simple yet profound words in the flesh: 'I'm so very sorry'. Despite my lack of effort and all my faults, I loved you, and the memories I have of our friendship remain very special because you were very special.

I am an idiot. I am so sorry. You deserved so much more.