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2023

magnesium, l-theanine

perk slots tailored

deathmatch

fight splintered sleep

amino acid/aim assist

v.

scalpel heel/hostel scenes

frazzled dopamine

casualty

down bad, like d-pad

‘get over here’

whoopsie/flawless/brutality

***’notha year prolapses

tryna cycle off

nicotine patches***

nyquil, on silent hill

blood in my eye/blood on my quill

black mould spots on the windowsill

dream defence contractor

equip overkill

r1/map zoom/ping exfil

<<<<<rewind

reversed patterns

night crimes

battleship

coordinate lines

scattered like snake shot

scattered like mines

on dmz perimeter lines

‘blue screen fiend’

flaked

daybreak

dawn raid

pass out to podcasts

pink matter purée/grey matter whiplash

bluetooth headphone pads

detach like hubcaps

on hardy’s transit van

falling backwards

60x slowed

splashes

see it

you see?

food for the sea

drown in uhd

a dream within a dream

what does it all mean?

codes in the clouds

like that flappy eared

flying white beast

from neverending story.

drinking palm blood

out of boiled glass

no label

used a 1000 times

thinking

will the sea eat tuvalu

fish fly

like megabats

like foxes

askew horseshoe angles

up and down

breaking azure

targets for marlins

before ghouls came

and erased animism

we knew travel

anyway

canoes between the dots

of our universe

an evening meal

capsicums

lime acid cooked shrimp

rice

with hands

food

family

pure sand

smiles

before sleep

i pray

when my son

runs headfirst into hell

for opportunities

he retains

his island heart.

room, to dream

big snooze

like dormouse

curled

prehensile tail

tale older than braille

tale older than crucifix nails

’never get better

IF

you never leave the house’

there’s only so many summers

a billion blessings

outside

like petals

straight edge

no meds

some regrets

though, they sting less

outside

’til the sun sets

jaguar in a pool

cool off

spots melt into blue

outside

answer to

what’s next

can’t be found

in a web order dna test

might be

in the canopy

amongst singsong

eggs

and nests

there’s only so many summers

brambles

with berries

different colours

different days

lady duck brigade

beaks tucked

in the shade

chillin’

walking around water

thinking how messed up angling is

a fish, going about their daily business

stabbed in the lip

a land-walker gurning on an iPhone snap

with their catch

watch it squirm

watch it flap

struggle to breathe

scar it mentally

then set it free

don’t believe

in the internet

or

ready

set

credit score

or gender wars

or voting

or a career

or none of that

low-frequency

nonsense

no more

outside

there’s only so many summers.

sixteenth

january

twenty

seventeen

envelope

(misanthrope)

redundancy

“rewind that…”

late

september

twenty

eleven

nostalgia ultra

sony mp3

cracked screen

cross-country

every little thing

on the back seat

crockery

stereo

two pairs of jeans

old nike sbs on my feet

(with the bubble heel)

overdrawn

oldest kid

on the graduate scheme

five point five

went by

time to leave

“good luck”

“don’t need luck”

nice exit speech, chief

forget it

dead it

roll credits

new frank era

obsessed with futura free

kept playing it on repeat

couldn’t see

honey for bees

just writhing colonies

truthfully

colleagueZ iZ alwayZ fleaZ

spines of others

as seats

feed n’ breed

micro-dynasties

thirty, in a dirty house share

primark sheets

a fan/no fans

white noise for road noise

chilled breeze

exposed

comatose

hunched close

to a twenty-one inch tv

writing

rewriting

and rewriting my cv

rejected

dejected

screened

few calls with recruiters

lying ’bout experience

lying ’bout dreams

compass of necessity

what initially

felt like fair *bye-bye* money

burning down to zero

as opportunities

drifted further from reach

cancelled spotify plan

adverts in streams

aural insult to injury

gym days

half-hearted reps

no gains

wasting time

on the smith machine

(like a goofy newbie)

flows

prose

poetry

let some loose

into the wild

on most

hit delete

“might run away”

burn some weeks

on a beach

hide from reality

(just like it’s always been)

“sheesh”

months went by

like moths

new soundtrack: rain in england

lil b

…

end of a rainbow

fast forward six

comedown chorus

split seams

no i in team

can’t listen to joji

glimpse of us

makes my heart feel

like cartwheels

through japanese screens

…

memories

an old school scene

before pedestrianised streets

ifrit emits

a warrior scream

despite the scars

come so, so far

now yesterdays fee

ain’t todays fee

(you can’t afford me).

more pain

more pain

more painful things

turn into paintings

tears wet

colour discs

on a palette

that were dried out

and crumbling

juice joins

dusty fissures

makes pigment bridges

hydrates bristles

feeds pictures

more pain

‘it’s the colouring that concerns me’

truth be told

more pain

summons rufio

lost boy

art studio

more pain

more pain

a molotov

for the person

that was

more pain

triple x pain

peter pain

cry like a cockerel

fly again

‘it’s not your fault’

when life serves unskippable ads

big sad

pull out a pad

sketch a draft

new neverland map

never doubt the fire

more pain.

driving through

lotus fields

gps in japanese

real recognise real

a beautiful village

reflect

accept

consequences of actions

things that last

things that pass

things, split in half

shinto

zen

no complications

(track spend)

stripped back

don’t watch face

minimal shrines

pulp scriptures

reservoir logs

et, phone home

0800-honour-code

moshi moshi

atonement stumps

words become birds

become arc’teryx

black hair

pale skin

solace in tradition

close borders to

negative

degenerate

influence

no deals with the yakuza

no deals with lucifer

just a deal with the lord

to be better

to do better

to man up.

nah baby

get lost

ain’t got nothing

i want

call me hollow

so what

married to money

deadeyes

deadheart

deathstream

don’t support

usury

got a problem

for copies

of a copy

of a dead monarch

married to money

if i did a documentary

on you

you’d be a fly

fighting to move

stuck with other flies

on a strip of glue

screaming about the ‘truth’

while your legs pop loose

1 for the dollars

2 for my pups

everything else

middle finger up

take a running jump

married to money

interactions turned fractions

traded human places

for polymer faces

for polymer cuts

stack it up

stack it up

stuff the mattress

pack the attic

covered in cash

lost every bond i never had

securing the bag

too much to carry

amor fati

bundles of fetti

run through racks

like tracks

out your feelings

out your head

out the red

for the bread

for the bands

until death

married to money

Been thinking ’bout loss

A lot

Over the last few decimals

Last few dots

Numerals spin like slots

On Ra’s wristwatch

Counting coins in pots

Taste like blood

Taste like aluminium

Look like POGs

3 cheers for what we got

For every ball: dropped

For every heart: stopped

For every wall: hopped

What is, is what’s what

Tha block iz hot

Zombies watch vlogs

Angels turn cogs

Transcending every box

Soar more, StarFox

Circle crops

Leave secret codes in treetops

Quest books, with multiple plots

Thumbed pages, propped

More soul than a whole skate-bowl full of Crocs

Flip your lid, kid

Flip your rock

With the force of a caber toss

Cock your bow

Cock your glock

Shoot your shots

Beautify holes with pretty, sticky gloss

Seminoles don’t roll over

Don’t sign treaties

Don’t call leech-ghoul-pagans boss

Never that

Forever not…

Been thinking ’bout loss

Quite a lot

Been thinking ’bout loss

Quite a lot

Remembering how to play organ

In this abandoned church

Covered in flowers

Covered in fire

Thanking GOD.

On first name terms

With a small horse named Bonnie

By the park

She comes when I rattle the fence

Black with a white racing stripe

Hair anklets

And ilvaite eyes

She doesn’t seem to mind

The flies

Drawn to her pretty face

I feed her reduced carrots from Sainsbury’s

(20 pence)

I want to tell Bonnie, that recently, I’ve been questioning whether some of my memories actually came from reality

Or have bled into me

Through weird wires and dreams

Or intravenous icicles

Inception spears in the meat sphere

Basically

Been struggling to separate time and space, like church and state

Multiple mistakes exacerbate my tendency to conflate what’s real and what ain’t

A state

But she don’t wanna hear all that jazz

She just wants what’s in the bag

(So pop the plastic)

To be honest, I’m glad

It’s a waste of air being sad

Long live Bonnie

She’s the best

(Gon’ be aight, gon’ be aight)

X.

it wasn’t my intention to sleep through another morning/day/weekend/opportunity. i feel terrible heading into monday. again. maybe it’s always been this way.

scratch that, start again.

it wasn’t my intention to sleep through another…

*eye twitch*

*the pages are empty*

i have a list of goals for the year, pinned in the corner of the whiteboard above my desk with small square magnets. i thought that, maybe, some focus would stop the muffled taunts in my head.

+sulfur+

i’ve come a long way. you could say that i have absolutely nothing to worry or complain about anymore. that’s true in some ways. but in all the ways that matter, i’m a complete mess.

i’ve prayed a few times in my life. in 2011, to get on a graduate scheme. at airports. drunk and alone on an abandoned plot of land at 3am. i think they are turning that land into offices now.

i don’t drink anymore. it’s been 103 days.

my asks were ‘small’, and generally, granted. get the job. don’t die in a plane crash. other things i’d rather not go into.

recently i woke up dead. again.

in the background i can hear sparse, slowed piano keys__-___—_

the constant headaches make me go cross-eyed.

i’ve been on my own my whole life. even when i’ve been with others. i can never relax.

xx

i think i’ll give it another go. i’m really not sure how many more goes i have left in me. 1 more at least. for old times’ sake.

i’ll summon something from within, instead of spinning the wheel with an unknown entity.

if/when you pray, don’t make it about you all the time. it’s best to not ask for selfish things from something you can’t see or understand.

there’s a price. and you always pay. 1 way or another.

always.