On the Edge of a Precipice
A mother's guilt is endless.
Unable to breastfeed my babies,
Too depressed to function,
Anxious about how I am mothering,
Taking new meds to try to be normal,
Sweating through the night,
Working to pay off debt,
Taking naps when at home with kids,
Didn't get the dishes done again,
Forgot to put that patch on that uniform,
Skipping another shower to fit in breakfast,
Getting sick at the worst times,
Never cleaning til it's done,
Wishing for a minute this wasn't my life,
Taking everything out on the kids,
Yelling at their father too,
Buying a car instead of summer camp,
Waiting til last minute for everything,
Never putting myself first,
So undeserving of my family.
Broken, inadequacy the means of my own misery, I fear my children will become like me.
Effort long as the day,
Brave facing each job,
Teaching manners, instilling values,
Making them pull their weight,
Feeding each body, fulfilling each curiosity,
Giving opportunities, witnessing failure,
Seeing bravery through insecurities,
A mother's job is never done.
I will always ask myself:
Did I do a good job?
Was it worth all those sacrifices?
Did I do enough?
Was I enough?
Weather
The great rumbling surrounds me
As the clouds close in to darkness
Streaking light blinds me
Before I know it, I'm weeping
The world crying along with me
My emotions lie in puddles on the ground
Mud inhibiting my progress
The muck dragging me down as I fight up
Wind sweeps around me briskly
I shiver, though I can't feel the cold
Seeking shelter is my lone choice...
Shhhh....Steroids are bad...
Doctors hate it when you say:
"Steroids are the bomb!"
"I feel invincible on these!"
So I celebrate my rendezvous
With these little pills
They may make me sweat like a monsoon
But I feel energetic, wired
Ready to seize the day by its balls
And fly to the moon to get shit done
Ah, steroids. I regret how little time we have
However, I am not fond of body hair,
I'm already aggressive enough, and
four kids already gave me high blood pressure
Love Despite
Despite...
Being tired and cranky
Overwhelmed
Frustrated at life
Birthing four children
Gaining weight
Having postpartum depression
Being anxious as hell
Hating to clean
Having quiet time without him
Being jealous of his job
Always asking for help
Crying over stupid shit
Sweating in summer
Showering every other day when lucky
Despite all this, he loves me.
And for that alone, I will always love him.
I am alone.
A never ending job
The needs of others always before me
Choices made of convenience for them
Overwhelmed I shrink into meaninglessness
Provider and caretaker I may be
But where is me....happy?
I am like a phantom here
My presence and emotion retreat at others' joy
Ashamed, I bury myself in work
The numbness threatens to overpower me
Others have little hope of breaking me from solitary
Stop Hating the Other
Up : Down :: Hot : Cold
Black : White is not :: Love : Hate
The opposite of love is not hate
It is apathy (indifference)
Apathy : Hate :: Animosity : Hostility
It is a lack of caring
Hate is basically fear
I hate spiders (because they freak me out)
I hate broccoli (because it tastes awful)
I hate taxes (because I like keeping my money)
Fear is the only thing we should fear.
We should not fear a spider.
We should not fear broccoli.
We should not fear paying taxes.
When we think too much about ourselves
When we care too much about our money
When we care too much about our desires
We stop caring about important things
Each other
Our relationships
Doing the right thing
Helping one another
Do not stop caring
Do not let the fear in
Do not let hate set in
We are afraid of the OTHER
It is not us
It is different
It is not better or worse than us
It is just.....other
It needs care too