A note in love

I know I'm not perfect, and I have my shortcomings, flaws, and mistakes from time to time, but I'm trying; yes, I am trying always.

I know in myself that I've not given the very best of myself because I was afraid of many things and hurt in many ways. I couldn't explain some of those wounds and experiences.

Sometimes, I feel that I'm a lost cause, I'm not worthy, and I'll always be cold, abandoned, and not loved fully, or perhaps that's just my wounds talking and making me feel all of that.

I know that by a twist of fate, I left behind people because I couldn't handle myself, I couldn't bear the deep pain that I would bear for so long, and for that, I've hurt them.

How could I possibly explain myself in all of my realities and possibilities if I knew I would be deeply misunderstood and my words would be used against me because I touched some sore parts?

How can I possibly make people understand that there's also a way to love me right? I'm not demanding it; I just want to show how it is; sadly, it's often mistaken as questioning how they love.

To be honest, I always want to have a deep connection, to feel that I'm also getting understood and genuinely accepted, gradually, not having those parts of me being rejected because it's not pleasing to the eyes.

I know I'm not someone who can do everything and give all, but if my heart and soul feel what they need and the love that heals all the wounds, perhaps, that's the time I will give every bit of love that I can give and pour out.

Because it will be like a loop where I continue to lose myself often because I'm being pulled in all directions, or being told this is how I should love, or whatever. To be honest, love is something that can make you understand.

Only if you understand that love is not something to possess, but something to cultivate and take care of, because when I give the very best of me, that's the final straw.

When you're not feeling yourself and your mind's in a blur, and people misinterpret it and misunderstand,

It feels like I'm all alone and in the dark when I can't explain myself and they end up emotionally abandoning me,

Maybe, that's what I got for being different and against the flow, and it's sad, and maybe, I'm going to get lost again.

Maybe I'm a point where it's like floating yet falling down and getting bruised,

When it's not simply tiredness of the body but more of the soul,

A feeling that I can't chase away, it simply seeps into my skin,

Like I wanted to sleep more and rest more than just being awake and moving,

Like the life was slowly being taken away from me, little by little.

People often mistake my silence for anger or madness, not truly understanding that I'm quiet because I can't handle myself, and my emotions and that I need space to breathe and collect myself and my thoughts.

That my world was falling apart from the inside but they selfishly think that I don't consider their feelings when all I did was consider and understand, isn't that enough?

My soul was so tired, but I'm still trying, always trying.

I wish it was easy to say things and open up about the unsaid feelings I have within me, without feeling that it seems they only listen to prove a point, not to understand.

When I'm trying my best yet it seems that with one wrong move, every good thing I've done would be thrown out on the window. My heart is crying in silence.

What can I do or say when I'm often misunderstood, it's draining me.

It's ironic when you know that you're doing your best,

But you're not perfect, and you're flawed, yet you're trying,

But sometimes it can be excruciatingly painful,

When you lose sight of things in a second and everyone's mad at you,

When you're not feeling okay yet you're the one who keeps on making others happy.

But when you're not able to fulfill something because you're almost buried in the ground,

You're the one who is at fault and you'll be castigated as if you didn't do your part,

When your eyes are hazy and you're losing ground, you're still going to be blamed,

Blamed for the unexpected things and situations you have no control over,

Perhaps, the price of being a Saturnian would always be you'll go through hell first before you experience heaven.

~~~

Emotional exhaustion leaves you weary and blue,

Pulling your energy out, making you feel like you're tired,

From physical activity or too much physical movement,

But it's the emotions that make you feel that way,

Leaving you restless, tired, and sleepless at times.

You want to rest, but you wonder what kind of rest you need,

You wonder if it will go away or it will go on for days, weeks,

When you bottle up your emotions when you should express it,

It will leave a bitter taste in the mouth, and tiredness in the body,

Your head's spinning around and it can leave you feeling sick.

But then— don't bottle up the things you should be saying,

For it will leave you suffering and hurting,

Tiredness eating you alive in every aspect, every cell,

Would you let it overcome you, or will you take a break in between,

Express, elaborate, and feel your feelings, but don't let them drown you.

The projections of our wounds on other people may be some sort of relief for us,

But for those who absorb and feel those projections, it's torturous and painful,

We may have an outlet but the price of it is high, so high it costs others their peace of mind,

Then we wonder why they are like walking on eggshells, trying to collect themselves and their broken pieces,

All of us are prone to projecting our pains and wounds onto others, but we don't realize that until it's all too late.

Projections that lead to countless heartaches and pains.

I understand people most of the time, even if it's not easy for me,

Absorbing, feeling the emotions of many even if it can be draining,

It's like heading for battle I only wear thin armor,

But even if I may wear a strong armor, it won't suffice,

The emotions and energy drowning my senses, breaking me to pieces.

But you see, I try and try to deepen my understanding,

Even if it requires so much strength emotionally,

But what can I do, if I wear my heart on my sleeve,

Being the one who constantly feels everything even if I don't want to,

Perhaps, that's both my gift and my curse.