As the year comes to a close, I want to have trust and be thankful for my past decsions. I want to have trust that everything will be okay and everything will work itself out. This year has been a whirlwind of emotions, ranging from many highs, like getting into colleges, and many lows, like crying every single day for weeks. I need to have trust that every "mistake" or frustrating thing that happened this year was for a reason. I want to choose to believe that 2018 will take me where I am meant to be.

The college application process is the devil. This fall was so difficult and challenging, inducing a multitude of tears. Now as the year comes to a close, I begin to recieve my acceptance letters. Ooo the relief! But yet, that just comes with more uncertaintiy and stress. Where will I end up? Will I even get any money from any schools? How far away will my friends be? How am I gonna pay for this? I think I might have to settle. Even though I have the relief of "getting in," I still know and understand nothing. It's frustrating. Yeah, that's a good word. This last half of this year has been frustrating. Geting into my dream school and having no money for it. Trying my hardest to make my last year of high school athletics the best, but not reaching my full potential. Crumbling under pressure. Crying and bawling at the hint of frustration and anger.

But yet, this is my senior year. My last year of high school. And not to mention the best high school in the country. Instead of choosing to reflect on 2017 (or at least the last half) in a negative manner, I choose to take the optimistic root. Despite the emotional meltdowns, I have laughed and created closer relationships more than ever before. From getting to see the Solar Eclipse with my class, to enduring painfully cringy Cross Country Senior Night speeches, to stressing over AP Lit pop quizzes, to dressing up for Homecoming, to laughing hysterically each day at lunch, to going to three parties in a row, I never fail to be grateful for all my experiences with those that surround me. Thinking about how my life has changed since freshman year. Thinking about how much I have grown as a person since freshman year. Thinking about how my inner social-butterfly has learned to out-flourish the devlil-like nature of stress and pressure. When thinkng about how much I have matured from just last year. It is amazing. And I choose to be proud. Instead of choosing to dwell on the mistakes or challenging moments in this past year. Or anytime in my past. Instead, when that ball drops and the clock strikes midnight in eleven short days, I choose to laugh at all my failures and learn from them. I am choosing to embrace 2018, with more trust that I am on the right path and gratitude for past memories and moments, than ever before. I am choosing. The stress isn't going to make anymore decisions for me. And neither the pressure or the frustration. But me.

I used to be full.

I used to be whole.

I used to laugh and smile.

I was like a pea in its pod.

I was like a hand in a glove.

I never doubted myself.

I knew who I was.

I was strong and confident.

I knew exactly what I wanted.

And I had it.

I had him.

But now I’m beginning to lose it.

I’m losing a part of myself.

He is taking me with him.

I don’t know what I want anymore.

I don’t smile as big or as bright.

I don’t laugh as hard or as often.

I cry more and more.

I long for the old me.

The old him.

I’m like a tree that has lost its leaves.

I’m like a phone with no charge.

I feel as if it’s all becoming a memory.

As if he is becoming a memory.

I want him back.

All of him.

More than anything.

I love him.

More than anything.

He's drifting and I don’t know how long I can wait for him to return.

But what if it’s me not him?

What if I am the one who has changed?

What if I am the one holding us back?

Holding him back.

What if I am the reason he doesn’t smile as much?

What if I am the cause of our drifting?

What if he doesn’t love me anymore?

I don’t know what I did.

Or if I did anything.

Or if his feelings are still true.

That’s the problem.

I just don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.

I don’t know how he feels.

Because he doesn’t tell me anymore.

Because he doesn’t show me anymore.

I don’t know if he cares.

About me.

About anything.

I just want to know.

Because I care.

More than he’ll ever know.