Crunchy Guy Shakespearean Translation

Mommy always tells me thither art not monsters under mine bed. She’s wrong cuz I did hear a crunching under mine bed like the sound mine teeth maketh at which hour I did englut one of mommy’s cookies because she cannot maketh soft ones like grandma.

I popped mine headeth over the side of the bed but a wink to see if ‘t be true someone was eating cookies. Thither was a sir under thither, or a something. I don’t knoweth if ‘t be true ’t was a sir because ’t did look sort of like a lizard too, but he was not eating cookies. Cookies art not big, red, and juicy. I bethink he was eating Fluffy, mine cat, but I was not sure, so I did ask him.

“Fetch me mister, art thee eating mine cat?” he did not answer me though. He just did look up at me with a very very big smile with red all ‘round ‘t. Mommy sayeth I hath a big smile, but he hath got a bigger smile. I figured the cat must have been very tasty, so I did get under the bed to englut upon ’t cus mommy nev’r did cook kitty for dinner. I remembered mine manners real quick though and did ask if ’t he would share with me.

“Please, can I hath’t some too, please?” mommy calleth that a ‘please-sandwich’, but I just bethink ’t’s more nicer. He did not sayeth I could, but the sir did not telleth me to wend hence at which hour I did start eating ’t too. I couldn’t englut the bones like he could, so I picked those out like I doth with mushrooms.

The floor did get very soggy with blood, and I remembered mommy just did clean the floors with the big mop yond I was not allowed to useth as a pretend horsey. She beest very angered if ’t be true I did leave the soggy on the floor, so I did telleth the thing he did hath’t to englut outside.

I did telleth him whither the door was, but he just slithered up the wall and did slide out mine window. If ’t be true he ever cometh back, I’m going to asketh him to teacheth me yond trick.

This was not the best translation, but I hope it satisfies as a good enough example!