Crunchy Guy Shakespearean Translation
Mommy always tells me thither art not monsters under mine bed. She’s wrong cuz I did hear a crunching under mine bed like the sound mine teeth maketh at which hour I did englut one of mommy’s cookies because she cannot maketh soft ones like grandma.
I popped mine headeth over the side of the bed but a wink to see if ‘t be true someone was eating cookies. Thither was a sir under thither, or a something. I don’t knoweth if ‘t be true ’t was a sir because ’t did look sort of like a lizard too, but he was not eating cookies. Cookies art not big, red, and juicy. I bethink he was eating Fluffy, mine cat, but I was not sure, so I did ask him.
“Fetch me mister, art thee eating mine cat?” he did not answer me though. He just did look up at me with a very very big smile with red all ‘round ‘t. Mommy sayeth I hath a big smile, but he hath got a bigger smile. I figured the cat must have been very tasty, so I did get under the bed to englut upon ’t cus mommy nev’r did cook kitty for dinner. I remembered mine manners real quick though and did ask if ’t he would share with me.
“Please, can I hath’t some too, please?” mommy calleth that a ‘please-sandwich’, but I just bethink ’t’s more nicer. He did not sayeth I could, but the sir did not telleth me to wend hence at which hour I did start eating ’t too. I couldn’t englut the bones like he could, so I picked those out like I doth with mushrooms.
The floor did get very soggy with blood, and I remembered mommy just did clean the floors with the big mop yond I was not allowed to useth as a pretend horsey. She beest very angered if ’t be true I did leave the soggy on the floor, so I did telleth the thing he did hath’t to englut outside.
I did telleth him whither the door was, but he just slithered up the wall and did slide out mine window. If ’t be true he ever cometh back, I’m going to asketh him to teacheth me yond trick.
This was not the best translation, but I hope it satisfies as a good enough example!
Sounds like Shakespeare
Loud music did fill the cubiculo, making 't hard to heareth aught else. Monica nervously did sitteth on the catch but a wink cubiculo waiting for steve to walketh in, the lady did look 'round the cubiculo, 't wasn’t did suppose to beest like this, 't wast did suppose to beest special, but 't wasn’t. Thither wast nay scented candles, nay did rise petrels on the catch but a wink cubiculo, nay foreplay. Instead the cubiculo wast dark, bitter cold and uninviting, the music wast way too loud and not romantic in the slightest, 't wast some heavy metal band steve did like but monica didn’t very much care for. The cubiculo eke did hath't a weird smelleth yond monica couldn’t quite maketh out. The music wast so loud monica barely did hear the door ope, the lady did turn to see steve entering with two cans of beer, he did wend to his stereo and did turn down the music to decent decibel, monica’s ears wast thankful for yond at least. Then he did sitteth on the catch but a wink cubiculo beside that lady and did tender that lady a can Oh i er, thee knoweth i don’t very much”- the lady did doth break off, looking down nervously. “what”? Steve did reply. “i, i don’t very much like beer”. The lady reminded him avoiding eye contact: “i did doth bethink thee did doth sayeth thee did want to receiveth in the humor”. Steve did doth sayeth impatiently: “i knoweth, i did doth, b-but i just did cullionly”- “what”? Steve interrupted, monica did dare to behold at him: “i just did cullionly like scented candles, a-and flowers, thee knoweth”? “romance, this is mine first time steve, 't’s did suppose to beest special”. Steve did roll his eyes at that lady ere groaning and flopping back on the catch but a wink cubiculo: “ye art such a wench”! He did sitteth up again, turning to that lady: “thee’re hither aren’t thee”? “with me, isn’t yond enow”? “of course 't is, i love thee i just”… the lady trailed off again, returning that lady attention to that lady lap: “just what”? “hm”? “cometh on spit 't out”! “'t’s just, i did doth bethink thee’d hath't did maketh moo of an effort yond’s all”. Steve didn’t answer instead he did open his can of beer and did take a swig, monica did look at him again: “wherefore art thee being like this”? Steve did stand angrily: “haply 't’s because we’ve been dating for four months and thee’re still just a frigid, uptight wench”! He slams the can down on the did grind, 't’s contents spilling everywhere, monica nervously did stand eke: “behold just because i wanna wait for the right time doesn’t cullionly i’m frigid or uptight”- steve did laugh bitterly: “oh so thee still wanna wait then”? Monica did shake that lady headeth rapidly: “nay, nay yond’s not what i did cullionly”! “thee been leading me on all this time”? “falsing to me”! “behold wherefore can’t we just enjoy each other”? “wherefore doth thee needeth”- steve scoffed again, getting a dram closer to that lady Needeth, i don’t needeth aught, especially from a prude like thee”. Monica backed up a few steps: “th-then wherefore art we coequal having this conversation”? “wherefore art thee acting so desperate”? “wherefore can’t thee wait”? Steve did get coequal closer to that lady, almost towering ov'r that lady: “because i shouldn’t hath't to, because i’ve waited long enow, because i couldst receiveth 't whenever and with whoever i did want to but i did doth choose to wait 'round for thee, anon i wanteth what i did earn”. At those words monica’s blood did runneth bitter cold as panic drained all the colour from that lady visage: “steve”- the lady did stop suddenly as the lady did watch steve giveth that lady a sinister smileth ere opening the can of beer he did hath't previously did tender to that lady, did hold 't ov'r that lady headeth and did pour 't all ov'r, slamming the exsufflicate can down on the floor whither the other can still did lie: “aw behold at thee eh, all did wet and i haven’t coequal did touch thee yet”. Steve did giveth another sinister smileth, monica bolted across the cubiculo, but steve did grab hold of that lady armeth a dram ere the lady couldst reacheth the door and maketh a breaketh for 't. He did drag that lady ov'r to the stereo, turning the music up louder than 't wast ere, swallowing up all monica’s desperate prithee: “steve, steve, baby prithee don’t doth this”! The lady did tryeth to yell ov'r the music: “breaketh thee off”! Steve fired back ere slamming that lady 'gainst the mure. Monica attempted to square him off but he only did grip that lady arms tighter, holding that lady in lodging. He did start kissing that lady neck as the music blared through the speakers: 't's early morn, the travelling lamp cometh out last night of all wast shaking and quaint loud Mine gib is purring, 't scratches mine skin so what is wrong with another sin? He nibbled at that lady earlobe as gouts of sorrow did roll silently down that lady visage, the lady did shake with fear as he did whisper loudly in that lady ear, making sure the lady couldst heareth him: “thee don’t coequal gust yond valorous, thy lucky i’m so willing, thee shouldst beest thanking me thee ungrateful cow”. The music did get louder and louder, monica’s increasing heartbeat blending in with the thumping did beat of the song: the wench is fill'd with pangs of hunger, the lady needeth to telleth so giveth that lady inches and feed that lady well moo days to cometh, new places to wend i've did get to leaveth, 't's time for a showeth. The lady did hark as the lady did close that lady eyes, but soft giving up and allowing steve to hath't his way with that lady… song did lay-to: rock thee like a hurricane. By scorpions
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